The Great Courses

A Perfect Plan

Dec 9, 2014 at 8:49 AM
3 years ago


Listening to Creationists mock The Big Bang (which, admittedly, suffers from a pretty lame title) really grinds my gears, partially because they usually follow the mockery with an outright declaration that they haven't read or watched any vetted data on the issue, and partially because they then eagerly declare that the True answer for our origins and "purpose" is...magic.

That's right, kids. God created hundreds of billions of galaxies so that he could focus his attention on an obscure rock in the Milky Way, on which he would create a dirt-man and rib-woman to stand at the top of a family tree bearing billions of branches, most of which would end up as kindling in the fires of Hell.

This omniscient deity would observe this unbelievable snafu and then have the nerve to act surprised.


When scolding, banishing and drowning failed to fix his Perfect Plan, instead of merely manifesting forgiveness to his beloved children or jetting back through time to implement a better idea, God decided to impregnate a teen girl with himself so that he could be born as flesh, learn carpentry, heal eyeballs with spit, whip money changers, clone fish, forgive prostitutes and ultimately have himself tacked to a few pieces of wood.

This last act would then become the secret password to God's Clubhouse for thousands of years, the instructions for entry written about in anonymous, vague and often contradictory texts penned 1,400 years before the invention of the printing press. God's only other signs to us would be unprovable personal experience claims, bumper-sticker platitudes from Pastor Joel Osteen and the occasional manifestation on a piece of dry toast.

Ultimately, once God feels he's given his arch enemy, Satan, enough time to scamper across God's territory wreaking havoc and stealing his children, Jesus will appear in the sky and take the faithful to their own private mansion somewhere in the far reaches of space (unless you subscribe to that whole New Earth thing). The non-compliant will get cooked up like sausages on the grill, and a Perfect Plan will have been fulfilled.

Sheesh. I need aspirin and coffee.

-Seth Andrews

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