The Great Courses

The Jesus Quiz

Seth
Feb 28, 2015 at 6:40 AM
2 years ago
Comments

Social media often has these simple quizzes (many little more than click bait), but when I saw the quiz on Jesus, I couldn't resist.  

If you MUST know what I'm talking about, the quiz is HERE.  :)

Much more entertaining was the comments section, and when I saw the inevitable prosyltizing and hell threats, I couldn't help but post this response.  

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I love the Bible. There's no other book which has supplied this level of unintentional comedy and intentional horror to so many.

Think about the God/Jesus story at its fundamentals. God is omniscient and omnipotent, but somehow he doesn't foresee that creating Lucifer (Ephesians 3:9) will eventually become a problem. So in his perfection, God creates a creature he foreknew would rebel, be cast out and totally piss on everybody's Corn Flakes.

This all-wise God then allows Lucifer to use the serpent to tempt/tease God's freshly-created and hugely susceptible children (Adam and Eve), and he doubles down on that mistake by placing an object of temptation (The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil) directly in their path. When this goes horribly awry, God has the nerve to act surprised.

Over this simple act of fruit-munching, billions of Adam's descendants become infected with sin, requiring rivers of blood for atonement, and ultimately, the blood of God himself. God, in his omnipotence, cannot simply manifest forgiveness to rescue humankind from an unspeakable torture chamber (that God himself created), so he constructs a plan which requires that he impregnate a teenage girl with himself so that he can become his own father, and the god/child will spend a few years performing miracles which can never be authenticated and ultimately have himself pinned to a few pieces of wood.

God will then have this act of sacrificial torture and execution documented by anonymous primitives 1,400 years before the invention of the printing press, the often conflicting stories compiled in a "Bible" comprised of books which are voted on (repeatedly and with different outcomes) by flawed, fallible humans, and for generations, apologists will argue over its most basic stories and claims.

While these discussions about Heaven, Hell, sin, Satan, salvation, baptism, the Holy Spirit, obedience and divine power are being haggled over, Jesus forgoes all opportunities to settle the issues with another in-person encounter and clearly-stated instructions, and he instead decides its more important to manifest his image in clouds, in dreams, and on various pieces of toast. When the authenticity of these "appearances" is challenged, the faithful will threaten Hell and call this "proof."

Meanwhile, whole segments of "The Good Book"...the ones which reveal Yahweh's commands to execute disobedient children (Deut 21:18-21), to have his army's soldiers kidnap virgin women for their own pleasures (Numbers 31:18), that he would skip the punishment of Pharaoh so he could instead commit infanticide (Exodus 11:5), to wipe out a half a million lives (all of which supposedly deserved it...including woman and infants) in a single battle against an opposing tribe (2 Chronicles 13:17), to banish menstruating women from their homes because they're icky (Leviticus 15:19-30), to declare that gays deserve execution (Romans 1:32), to mute the voices of females (1 Timothy 2:11-15), and to roast billions without end in the Most Unimaginable Torture Chamber Ever Created (Rev. 20:15)...those segments are ignored in favor of happy-clappy scriptures about love.

Finally, the Bible contains (obviously credible) stories of talking donkeys, 900-year-old humans, flying chariots of fire, talking shrubbery, levitation, giants, curses, global floods which leave no geological evidence, supermen who gain powers based on hair length, and people who can survive inside submerged fish for 72 hours.

Yes, the B-I-B-L-E. Actually...it's not really the book for me.  :)

Seth Andrews

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