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12-05-2014, 05:38 PM
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It was my best friends birthday, or rather it would have been. I will always miss her until it is my time to die, too. Like a deep, burning and hollow hole I will always miss her. I am okay though, and the reason I am okay is because she has been the best example in her short time of being okay. She could take any situation from anywhere and flip it to be the best damn thing that is happening. We could be in a raging storm or at a deserted desert and we'd be okay, because she'd find a reason why it is cool. Cool

Who knew that in 2011 at an age too-young her body would fail her. Her lungs would block her oxygen and she would gasp for breath. Out of nowhere, before she was supposed to meet me for lunch, in the wee hours of the morning her life ended painfully. We come into this world inhaling our first sharp breath, and there at the door of her parents home she desperately gasped for more and then suddenly left us all.

So, on her birthday this year I log into FB to check messages (my first mistake blah blah). Everyone we have in common- which is a lot since I worked with her, hung out with her and went to her family events, so basically everyone period- had all these updates about how she is on heaven's beautiful beach (her favourite thing) drinking bellinis (her favourite) listening to her music (insert her favourite), and how she is looking at us all and is happy and smiling, and is still with us and we will all join her one day. I know these people all miss her terribly, like me, and they want the best for her and them. I just hate to pretend. However, like them, I want to be okay. I want it to be okay. My friend, she taught me so well, too. I am so happy that I knew her even for the too-short time I have, because I have learnt so much. I have learnt how to be okay.

So I laced up and I left my home and I ran. I ran so hard and so fast- faster, longer and harder than I have in years. I ran until my own lungs were burning and gasping, I ran so each capillary in my lungs would be forced open and filled with sweet, delicious oxygen because today I can do that. I ran so fast that the weight of my body would not have the luxury of allowing the earth to feel it. On this day my body will listen to me because one day it's gonna give me the big fuck you and this will all be done.

Sometimes I am sad, sometimes I am lonely for my friend- but I am okay. I really am. I can even smile and think of all the wonderful people and things I have here. I can feel the warm sunshine and cool rain, I can drink up all the lovely things this life has to offer. I can choose how to live in any given moment. That, my friends, is how you be okay.


( I was going to simply sneak this into the whisper thread, but last time I said something about my stolen and likely dead dog someone told me to get over it, and that hurt a little. So, I just wanted to put this somewhere and clearly FB ain't the place, so thanks for the spot.)
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12-05-2014, 06:14 PM
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Many hugs...I am sorry.

The suckiest part of being rational is knowing that "we will not meet again" when we lose someone.

Beautifully written post LJ.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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12-05-2014, 06:17 PM
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Losing someone close to you is never easy—it shouldn't be. When it happens unexpectedly it seems worse because you never had an opportunity to say goodbye.
I'm sorry for your loss. Have one of these: Hug
Have two Hug, they're free.

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12-05-2014, 06:19 PM
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I am only 17 so me still being a pup all I can do is hug it out.

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[Image: Guilmon-41189.gif] https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOW_Ioi2wtuPa88FvBmnBgQ my youtube
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12-05-2014, 06:28 PM
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I'm sorry, LJ Sadcryface Hug
But if you are indeed O.K. I'm glad Heart Hug
I can't think of a better way to honor her memory than to bring it along with you into activities she'd have enjoyed Hug Hug

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12-05-2014, 06:36 PM
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Beautiful post, LJ.

I'm so sorry for the loss you are experiencing. Glad you are handling it well. Hug

Heart you!
Em

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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12-05-2014, 06:48 PM
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If it's any consolation, dying because the lungs seize is one of the more pleasant ways to go. It would be on my list of "druthers". I almost went that way once in a car accident, and it wasn't horrible at all.

The older we get, the more people we know who don't make it for one reason or another. It sucks. The only good thing about it is that, in the long run, it ends up making us more comfortable with our own death. It can also help us to live more fully. Like you did during your run.

And - it still sucks. Lots. Wish I could help. Heart

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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12-05-2014, 07:10 PM
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Hug


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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12-05-2014, 07:16 PM
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Not much to say that'll be of any help. Thinkin' about you though, LJ. It's not hard to remember good friends or family that left our lives before they should have, but it is hard to remember that they are no longer here.

Take care.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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12-05-2014, 07:22 PM
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What you said about your friend was beautiful.
She was very lucky to have you as a friend as well.
So sorry for your loss. Hug
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