A Fruitless Search for Love
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17-01-2016, 07:33 PM
A Fruitless Search for Love
Hi guys
So, yeah, I’m sad today. I’m not sure how you can help me, but this seems like a good way to unload feelings and negative stuff I’m holding in my head.

I’ve been having a tough time lately. I’m 26 years old and I haven’t had much luck finding love. I’ve gone out with guys, but there’s always seem to be something that stops things from moving forward. It’s a long list, but the most common are: I don’t like the guy, the guy does not like me, the guy says he wants something serious but really doesn’t or the guy is not currently in a financial or emotional situation to sustain a relationship with someone. Last guy I went out with fell into the first category I mentioned.

So far I’ve met all of them online and I’m fed up with it. I think I should just meet guys in person, but I am an introverted guy and don’t really like bars. Here, the bars are almost always loud - like, you couldn’t hear me talk if I shouted right in your eardrum loud - and the guys who go there are mostly party animals looking for hook ups. I don’t think there’s a place where you can just sit down and have a conversation with someone. I don’t think the bar scene is for me. (Plus, I get stares from older gentlemen and that really freaks me out.)

Long ago, I fell in love with my straight best friend. I was unhappy for a long time. It was the crisis that prompted me to accept myself as gay. It was the idea that I could feel that way about someone and that it be mutual that pushed me out of the closet. Ever since then, I’ve been searching for that, but the search has been an abysmal failure. Yes, I’ve read you should find happiness within yourself, but I don’t know what that means, and I can’t help but envy those who have found someone who is there for them no matter what. A pillar of support that will never break.

I guess I’m weak for needing that. I feel empty. I know it’s cliché to say it’s like a void in my heart, but that’s how it feels. I know what it’s like to be with someone you really love, and I want that feeling back. It’s been years now.

Thanks for reading this. I feel better just writing it. If you want to share a word of advice, or maybe experiences of your own, feel free.
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17-01-2016, 07:39 PM
RE: A Fruitless Search for Love
I have a thread about this. Smile

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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17-01-2016, 08:41 PM
RE: A Fruitless Search for Love
Hi Welcome to TTA Smile

I'm sorry you are having a hard time finding love. It does suck, I know Hug

I think the best thing to do is to keep putting yourself out there, eventually you will find the right one for you. Most people have to date quite a bit to find the right one for them. Some people are lucky enough to meet that person in high school, but most of us have to hop into the dating pool.

If you are feeling frustrated with dating in general, why not take a break, take up a hobby or something like that--who knows, you might even meet a potential bf there.

I hate the bar scene and dating sites myself--so totally agree with you there. I like joining groups or things like meetup.com as a way to meet like-minded people. Things go much better when there is no pressure and you are just looking to have fun.

You will find Mr. Right, you're still young. It will happen. I agree with the statement "Love yourself first and be happy with yourself." Confident, happy people who are comfortable in their own skin attract other people quite easily.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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17-01-2016, 09:36 PM
RE: A Fruitless Search for Love
I'm sorry you're going through this. Loneliness is hard. Maybe try something a little more organic to your lifestyle like joining a group or volunteering to help others, you will be involved with people whom you have similar interests and when you meet someone in that way that you are attracted to, you will have a real base of companionship already in place.

I hope you find what you're looking for, sometimes finding love within yourself is the best place to start. Be well.

[Image: dnw9krH.jpg?4]
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17-01-2016, 11:32 PM
RE: A Fruitless Search for Love
Start with loving yourself. Ain't nobody gonna love you if you don't love yourself. That means giving yourself a break, recognising that you can stumble and fall, and not beating yourself up over small things, or even big things. Just... find things that you enjoy doing, and do them. Enjoy being alive.

At the same time, in my opinion, nothing beats meeting people "the old-fashioned way". I know lots of people who have met and have wonderful relationships online, but I regard them as aberrations who must be eliminated outliers. In my experience, online dating is... just... kinda icky. I got the feeling that the girls I dated were... shopping Undecided

So you need to create opportunities to meet people (find a dance group, join a running club, go to pottery lessons - something, whatever *actually interests you*, it's very important that it's something that you like doing independent of love interests), and love yourself. If you like yourself you will be happy and that happiness will shine through to others, it will be attractive to people. That means that in all likelihood, whether you approach them or they approach you, dates will come your way. Also you can decide (since you've met the person already) whether you even want to date them, you can assess before even thinking of romance, whether the person is really nice or just pretend nice.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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18-01-2016, 07:55 AM
RE: A Fruitless Search for Love
First off -- unless you want to meet drunks - avoid the bars.....

Sure - not everyone in a bar is a drunk -- but most drunks like bars. It's just a "drunk rich environment".

.....

I can't believe women haven't figured this out. There's SOOOOOO many places where men congregate - that ANY woman who shows up, will probably get 20 phone numbers, just walking through......

Here's some of the places I've seen that women were a scarcity...

Any gun/knife show. Any motorcycle event. Any R/C flying field. Any farm auction.

What women seem to fail to realize -- is that it's generally VERY safe for them to wander around at such things - that are FULL of guys --- because the guys will generally be on their best behavior in front of any woman who shows up in such a place.......

Go where you're the minority. Then your choices are greater.

The only guys you'll meet at places like yoga classes, pottery lessons, basket weaving - ect --- are guys who are smart enough to go to places where WOMEN congregate........

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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18-01-2016, 10:25 AM
RE: A Fruitless Search for Love
(18-01-2016 07:55 AM)onlinebiker Wrote:  First off -- unless you want to meet drunks - avoid the bars.....

Sure - not everyone in a bar is a drunk -- but most drunks like bars. It's just a "drunk rich environment".

.....

I can't believe women haven't figured this out. There's SOOOOOO many places where men congregate - that ANY woman who shows up, will probably get 20 phone numbers, just walking through......

Here's some of the places I've seen that women were a scarcity...

Any gun/knife show. Any motorcycle event. Any R/C flying field. Any farm auction.

What women seem to fail to realize -- is that it's generally VERY safe for them to wander around at such things - that are FULL of guys --- because the guys will generally be on their best behavior in front of any woman who shows up in such a place.......

Go where you're the minority. Then your choices are greater.

The only guys you'll meet at places like yoga classes, pottery lessons, basket weaving - ect --- are guys who are smart enough to go to places where WOMEN congregate........

But.... if you go to something you don't really care for "gun/knife shows, motorcycle shows or others" then you will be stuck going to them forever with your partner or you will be guilty of "you used to like this, you've changed".

It's a lie by participation. Find things you are interested in first then pick the ones that are partner centric to your needs. Smile

A good idea, I just tweaked it a bit. Tongue

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18-01-2016, 10:33 AM
RE: A Fruitless Search for Love
There must be something you are interested in. Maybe science fiction conventions. I am not gay, but used to attend these, and they mostly seemed to be gay meeting grounds. If not that something, Maybe a vacation to a tropical island. We see a lot of gays here. Many of the Americans visiting here do so for sexual reasons. Prostitution is legal and mature white men are their natural prey, but gayness is accepted here. One of my few friends is a couple; he was born a girl and she born a boy. They met at the hospital where they both were undergoing sexual change operations. I know that is further out than your case, but there is something for everyone here in the Dominican Republic.
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18-01-2016, 11:13 AM
RE: A Fruitless Search for Love
Do what you enjoy doing -- hike, cycle, play softball, whatever -- and you'll know the people you meet there will be into at least one thing you like. Some of those people will be gay. Even if you don't find love, you will have an enjoyable time and meet people -- and networking is probably the best way to broaden your search.

That said, make peace with not being in love. Live with yourself, as yourself, and let it happen. Some things cannot be forced.
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18-01-2016, 11:26 AM
RE: A Fruitless Search for Love
(18-01-2016 10:33 AM)DerFish Wrote:  There must be something you are interested in. Maybe science fiction conventions. I am not gay, but used to attend these, and they mostly seemed to be gay meeting grounds. If not that something, Maybe a vacation to a tropical island. We see a lot of gays here. Many of the Americans visiting here do so for sexual reasons. Prostitution is legal and mature white men are their natural prey, but gayness is accepted here. One of my few friends is a couple; he was born a girl and she born a boy. They met at the hospital where they both were undergoing sexual change operations. I know that is further out than your case, but there is something for everyone here in the Dominican Republic.

...And if he wants to stay in the US (I think you are in the US, anyway?), he should come to San Francisco. Lots of cool people, very open-minded, lots of same sex couples/singles. I'm straight myself, but I love surrounding myself with other open-minded people.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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