A Little Letter to the Lord
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19-06-2013, 10:03 AM
A Little Letter to the Lord
Dear Sir or Madam:

First of all, please excuse me for greeting you in that impersonal way, but there’s so much disagreement about your name (is it Yahweh? Jehovah? Jesus? Allah? Brahma? Zeus? Marduk? El? Tiamat? . . . ), I didn’t know what else to say. I guess I could have gone with “Dear Lord,” but that sounds like what some people blurt out when they’re unpleasantly surprised. (“Dear Lord! What’s that smell?”)

I should also apologize for bothering you with a letter, since there’s really no point: you’re omniscient, so you already know what’s in my head. All I have to do is think my message and you’ve got it. But writing helps me organize my thoughts, so I hope you’ll bear with me if I go the old-fashioned route. Thanks.

Oh, by the way, since you’re omniscient, it’s obviously impossible for anyone to tell you things you’re not already aware of, so I really should preface each statement with, “As you know, . . .” But that would get old fast, so please assume every sentence I write begins that way, even if I don’t spell it out, OK?

I also need to confess I seriously doubt this letter will get to you. It’s not that I think it’ll get stuck on some subordinate angel’s desk or be intercepted by you-know-who. It’s that I don’t think there’s a “you” to receive it. I’m 99.9999% sure you don’t exist. But on the 0.0001% chance you do, I thought I’d give it a shot. Nothing to lose, right?

So here goes.

I’m writing to ask a favor.

I’m sure you’re aware . . . OK, I know you’re aware . . . that you are, to put it mildly, a controversial figure. No one seems to agree on the exact number of religions in the world, but I’ve seen estimates as high as 4,200. And they all have different ideas about you.

I guess that would be OK—after all, variety is the spice of life—if it weren’t for the fact that those different ideas have nasty consequences. I’m not talking about debates on Internet forums (although those can get pretty nasty). I’m talking about, well, people killing and maiming each other because of you—or rather, because of their different opinions about you.

Do you know how many people have died in religious conflicts? (Of course you do—it was just a figure of speech. Sorry.) I mean, there was the Roman persecution of the Christians, and the Christian persecution of the Jews, and the Muslim Wars of Conquest, and the Crusades, and the Thirty Years’ War, and the French Wars of Religion, and the Nigerian Civil War, and the Lebanese Civil War . . . Christians fighting Jews, Muslims fighting Jews and Christians and Hindus, Hindus fighting Buddhists, Catholics fighting Protestants, Sunnis fighting Shiites . . . We’re talking millions and millions of corpses here, Sir (or Madam).

And don’t get me started on the claims religions make about what rules you gave us—you know, the rules we have to obey or you’ll get really, really angry? They could fill books. I don’t have to tell you what some of your devotees do to people they think are following the wrong rules. It can get pretty ugly.

So I’m thinking: Wouldn’t it be great if somehow we found out definitively which religion was correct? Seems to me it would solve a lot of problems. No more “We’ve got the truth and you don’t and you’d better believe what we do or else.” I think it might cut down considerably on the mayhem, don’t you? And since you love us and want the best for us (or so I’ve heard), you’ve got to see the good in that. Am I right?

So you can probably see where I’m going with this. (Whoops. I’m doing it again. Of course you can see where I’m going with this. You can see everything. Darn.)

Couldn’t you please end the arguments and the wars and the slaughter and the maiming, and just tell us what we need to know? Tell us which is the One True Religion?

I mean, you’re up in heaven, or on the planet Kolob, or wherever you hang out, and you’re watching all this horrible stuff going down, all this violence and hatred coming from religious differences. No offense, but isn’t it kind of dickish to sit there silently and let the shit continue? (Sorry for the sketchy language. Got carried away there.)

I know you can find a way to tell us and let us know it’s really you. C’mon, you’re not just omniscient, you’re omnipotent, for godsake! You can do anything! You’ve talked directly to us humans in the past, or so the popular religions say; you can do it again! You could update your whirlwind or burning-bush appearances with state-of-the-art special effects. Or you could interrupt every TV and radio broadcast around the globe simultaneously with a thundering Public Service Announcement. (Just don’t do it while the World Cup is on, or the finals of Dancing With the Stars; it might piss people off.) You could email or text everyone alive from your heavenly account. Or hey, how’s this? How about a message in the sky, written in mile-high script in every language in the world? That would be impressive! I know you can figure it out. And all you’d need to say is, “Hello, everyone. This is God (or whatever name you prefer). Just wanted to let you all know that the _______ are right.” Fill in the blank as you see fit: Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Jews, Jains, Sikhs, Zoroastrians, Mormons, Wiccans, Scientologists, Rastafarians, Pastafarians, . . . whatever. Or you could tell us we’re all idiots and none of us is right! But . . . just tell us. Please.

That wouldn’t be so hard, would it?

Thanks for your consideration. I’ll be waiting patiently for your reply.

But I won’t hold my breath.

Yours sincerely,

cuff

Religious disputes are like arguments in a madhouse over which inmate really is Napoleon.
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19-06-2013, 12:12 PM
RE: A Little Letter to the Lord
My laughter began with - “Dear Lord! What’s that smell?” Tongue

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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19-06-2013, 12:31 PM
RE: A Little Letter to the Lord
How long before our tech can do the sky writing trick ? I think God's gotta come up with something more... anyway even that isn't gonna make me worship the fucker... why doesn't he just reach between my ears and apply the correct setting if he's OK with all these bullying tactics he's been accused of ?

Whoops... Sorry about all the third person stuff God... didn't see you there...
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19-06-2013, 12:57 PM
RE: A Little Letter to the Lord
Well, you know.... Consider ... this is how I view the bible ... as a piece of literature.

I think the whole bible thing was actually meant to be a "letter to the editor", so to speak. There were lots of stories going on - tons of gossip - some with actual life experiences some completely fabricated. Some humans who happened to be able to spell and write - some quite well - gathered and wrote down all the stories going around, no matter how crazy. Of course, some of those writers seriously identified with the egomaniacal, control freak god character they were writing about... which is why all the insistence on allegiance throughout the sections.

This entire bible crap was never meant to be anything more than a message in a bottle, tossed into an ocean of tales. None of this information is even necessary and maybe only a few bits of it never really was. Shy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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19-06-2013, 01:27 PM
RE: A Little Letter to the Lord
That was brilliant! Divinely (ahem) inspired! A 21st century Mark Twain homage!

Have you a response yet? Just wondering.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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19-06-2013, 01:27 PM
RE: A Little Letter to the Lord
For a schizophrenic, rambling, disconnected crappily written committee-written essay it sure does have some memorable phrases, poetry even, forsooth... though I'd blame that on William Tyndall mostly.
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19-06-2013, 01:47 PM (This post was last modified: 19-06-2013 08:19 PM by Full Circle.)
RE: A Little Letter to the Lord
(19-06-2013 12:57 PM)kim Wrote:  This entire bible crap was never meant to be anything more than a message in a bottle, tossed into an ocean of tales. None of this information is even necessary and maybe only a few bits of it never really was. Shy

That is an interesting observation. If the Bible had never been cobbled together would civilization had missed out on any worthwhile teachings or information?

Hammurabi's code was already around circa 2250 BC

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Code_of_Hammurabi
http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?titl...pdf&page=1

So is there anything in the Bible that was not known or could be used in practical everyday living that wasn't obvious before? (Disregarding all supernatural claims that I find useless).

Off the cuff I say no.

Dietary references in the Bible come from pevious Jewish law right?

Rules on sexual misadventures (or adventures) certainly preceded the Bible. Incest was known to cause birth defects (Oedipus was written in the 5th century BC) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest

The Bible doesn't condemn slavery so that's not even a consideration.

There is no medicine, math or physics taught, it gets all of it's cosmology wrong.

I can't think of anything in the Bible that we could not have done without.

Can anyone think of anything practical we have the Bible to thank for?

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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19-06-2013, 02:53 PM (This post was last modified: 19-06-2013 03:09 PM by Bucky Ball.)
RE: A Little Letter to the Lord
(19-06-2013 01:47 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  
(19-06-2013 12:57 PM)kim Wrote:  This entire bible crap was never meant to be anything more than a message in a bottle, tossed into an ocean of tales. None of this information is even necessary and maybe only a few bits of it never really was. Shy

That is an interesting observation. If the Bible had never been cobbled together would civilization had missed out on any worthwhile teachings or information?

Hammurabi's code was already around circa 2250 BC

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Code_of_Hammurabi
http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?titl...pdf&page=1

So is there anything in the Bible that was not known or could be used in practical everyday living that wasn't obvious before? (Disregarding all supernatural claims that I find useless).

Off the cuff I say no.

Dietary references in the Bible come from pevious Jewish law right?

Rules on sexual misadventures (or adventures) certainly preceded the Bible. Incest was known to cause birth defects (Oedipus was written in the 5th century BC) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest

The Bible doesn't condemn slavery so that's not even a consideration.

There is no mediicne, math or physics taught, it gets all of it's cosmology wrong.

I can't think of anything in the Bible that we could not have done without.

Can anyone think of anything practical we have the Bible to thank for?

Are you shitting me ? (As my brother would say Tongue )
Fashion.
Fashion advice.
What to wear, and what to do with stuff when you can't "get the spot out".
Some people's kids. I just don't know what this world is coming to.
"What was valuable in the Bible". Really. What a stupid question.
Fashion advice.
Leviticus 13:47-58
Leviticus 19:19, Deuteronomy 22:11
Deuteronomy 22:5
Deuteronomy 22:12
Job 40:10
Psalms 102:26, Isaiah 50:9, Isaiah 51:8
Ezekiel 16:9-14
Matthew 9:16, Mark 2:21, Luke 5:36
Mark 1:6
John 19:23
Acts 16:14
Acts 20:33
Revelation 18:11-12
Big Grin
Oh wait.
Nothing.

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein
Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music - Friedrich Nietzsche
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19-06-2013, 03:11 PM (This post was last modified: 19-06-2013 03:18 PM by cheapthrillseaker.)
RE: A Little Letter to the Lord
Subordinate Angel at his desk with a half-downed cup of coffee, sits there moderating the queue of mail inbound in God wondering if he'll ever get that raise, ever get better hours.

"Accept... accept... ignore... hell-bound... accept..." he says softly while mulling over each piece of mail.

"When is God going to update this section? Oh, Lord why hast thou forsaken me?!"

No answer was given.

Dead-end job at a dead-end area of Heaven, an Angel contemplates retiring for a fraction of an instant. His wings flutter, ruffling, as he looks up in fear for his insubordination.

Nothing happens. He's still sitting at his desk. He's still at his post.

Strange. He would have sworn action would have been taken against him for contemplating going against the will of his Lord.

For millennia, he contemplates his actions, all the while making sure the mail reaches its proper destination. Later on, his mind wanders to again think the same thoughts. He entertains it further for a few thousand years. He doesn't get why The Lord hasn't fired his ass and sent him to hell.

Finally, the Angel decides to up an quit; literally. He gets up from his desk as mail piles up, and goes to open the door.

Opening the door, he feels a great rush of hot air enter the room. At the door is a demon, pitchfork in hand.

"What am I doing here?!" exclaimed the Angel.

"You were sent here a long time ago," replied the demon, "we thought it would be funny having you do the exact same thing you did in heaven and see how long you'd last."

The demon looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Hey, Bob! You owe me 5 bucks!"

-by-

Wig Didely

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19-06-2013, 03:19 PM
RE: A Little Letter to the Lord
I suspect the wait will be lengthy. And not like waiting in line for crappy food, in the height of summer, Halloween or Christmas at Disneyland lengthy either...those waits are only hellishly long.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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