A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
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23-12-2015, 08:14 PM
A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
I'm I'm avoiding a religious control freak who's a son of a friend of mine. But I might be getting in a bind because of it.

I have a xtian friend who a bit older than me, her oldest son is about my age. Her youngest son is 5yrs younger than me and the worst kind of lying sponge who lives off her and his other family members. He is scum (ugly and lengthy backstory there) and I have no patience with him.

She was raised in the faith and to be submissive/passive to others needs or wants for most of her 73yrs. Her family often took advantage of this in the past. Not so much anymore since I've helped her to build confidence in herself. Her niece thinks that's wonderful, the others, not so much.

My friend rarely speaks of religion (except when she talks of her volunteer work which she is very active in), we came to terms a long time ago about this issue. She doesn't pray at the table when I visit even though I told her it didn't bother me, she should do as she always does and I will sit quietly and wait. She doesn't want to push it on me as her guest. This is the kind of friend she is. Heart

Her son "claims" he's very religious (he uses it to use people all the time) and takes every opportunity to bless me, pray for me, invite me to church and so forth. Last year he started showing up for our "girl's night in" dinners or when she served dessert. He would start giving these lengthy prayers at the table and including my name in his prayers, usually several times. Yes, he knows I'm atheist.

Always before he would be gone when I visited so my friend and I could visit, play cards, eat dinner without him there as a third wheel. It is her house. Then he started making it a point to be there. Even though I would ask if he was going to be in attendance and she would say no (she'd plan my visits when she knew he'd be gone) he started cancelling his plans at the last minute and showing up or not going out, much to my friends frustration. On occasion she would even change our plans and we'd go out just to avoid him thrusting himself back into our visit.

So I've been avoiding going over there the last few months. Inviting her over to my house more or insisting we go out and then instead of going back to her place for cards, saying I was tired and go home early. I felt bad about it and I know she's noticed but I will not be preached to by this hypocritical slimy creeper. He knows I won't challenge his behavior so not to risk my friendship with his mother. I will not force her to choose, which is what he's plying for.

I'm sure he would like to see me gone. She was much more pliable and more easily manipulated before we met. I helped her to stand on her own two feet, build her confidence, make her own decisions and do for herself instead of just following what others told her to do.

She came for lunch last week and she mentioned I hadn't been over to play cards in a while. I hemmed and hawed and agreed to come after the holidays and to a play date. Not sure what to do about this asshat. He lies to her, manipulates her and is now manipulating me through her. I do not DO manipulating!

Not sure there's an answer. Probably just needed to vent. I can't be offensive to him (which I would certainly do) without offending her. I love her, she's such a good friend and stayed by me all through my divorce even though I know she thinks divorce is a bad thing, she never let me see it or questioned my choices. Totally supportive. I just feel bad about this mess. Sad
*sigh*

Any suggestions? (Well, any that don't involve hit men.) Consider

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23-12-2015, 08:51 PM
RE: A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
That's a tough one. Did you try talking to her son directly--asking him to please respect your lifestyle choices? I would try that first and if he can't respect boundaries, I would just do what you are doing, which is to have his mom over your house for visits.
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23-12-2015, 09:06 PM
RE: A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
Those who really love you will stand by you, no matter what. Those people who are no longer part of our lives have already played their role in helping us find out who we really are.

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23-12-2015, 09:09 PM
RE: A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
Tell her that you love her dearly but that her son makes you feel uncomfortable. Let her know that you aren't avoiding her because of anything she has done. Explain that you would love to spend time with her but perhaps not at her home. Honesty is crucial in a friendship. But I also think it's important to let her know that your distance isn't because of her.

There is no reason that you and she can't have time without her son being present.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

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23-12-2015, 09:10 PM
RE: A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
(23-12-2015 08:51 PM)jennybee Wrote:  Did you try talking to her son directly--asking him to please respect your lifestyle choices?

He is obviously religious freak, he's imaginary friend does not teach "respect"
As great poet once said.
Quote:“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche

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23-12-2015, 09:15 PM
RE: A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
(23-12-2015 08:51 PM)jennybee Wrote:  That's a tough one. Did you try talking to her son directly--asking him to please respect your lifestyle choices? I would try that first and if he can't respect boundaries, I would just do what you are doing, which is to have his mom over your house for visits.

I did kind of address that but it's difficult since his life choices are to preach to me. I can hear him saying I should respect his mission to bring everyone to god. Rolleyes

The problem coming on is she doesn't drive at night and we live 25 miles apart in different towns and I fear she won't be driving over here even in the daytime too many more years. I will continue to visit her when she no longer wishes to drive here but one of my concerns is once she is dependent on him he will intervene in my visits and maybe not be willing to let me see her. I will stand by her for as long as possible and I do have her favorite niece on my side so that's one good thing in all this.

It's just frustrated. Thx for the idea. Smile

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23-12-2015, 09:16 PM
RE: A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
(23-12-2015 09:10 PM)izel Wrote:  
(23-12-2015 08:51 PM)jennybee Wrote:  Did you try talking to her son directly--asking him to please respect your lifestyle choices?

He is obviously religious freak, he's imaginary friend does not teach "respect"
As great poet once said.
Quote:“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche

I agree, but I thought it might at least be worth a try. When I was a christian, the churches told people to go out and try and "save" people for Jesus. He may feel it is his duty as a "good christian." Talking to him and telling him that she wants it to stop might help him feel off the hook for trying to save her and he may let her be. Or he may not. If it were me, I probably would nicely (out of respect for my friend) ask him to please stop. If that doesn't work, at least you tried.
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23-12-2015, 09:18 PM
RE: A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
(23-12-2015 09:09 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Tell her that you love her dearly but that her son makes you feel uncomfortable. Let her know that you aren't avoiding her because of anything she has done. Explain that you would love to spend time with her but perhaps not at her home. Honesty is crucial in a friendship. But I also think it's important to let her know that your distance isn't because of her.

There is no reason that you and she can't have time without her son being present.

Yes, we've always been honest with each other no matter what. I will address this next time we get together. Thank you. Smile

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23-12-2015, 10:17 PM
RE: A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
Tell him this when alone with him: "If you don't back off me I'm gonna punch your fucking lights out. Arsehole!".

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
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23-12-2015, 10:30 PM
RE: A Religious Asshat, Is Costing Me a Friend
(23-12-2015 10:17 PM)Banjo Wrote:  Tell him this when alone with him: "If you don't back off me I'm gonna punch your fucking lights out. Arsehole!".

That would mean I'd have 'to be' alone with him... not happening. I didn't use "creeper" by chance. No

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