A brief history of Escape Artist...
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04-01-2013, 11:55 AM
RE: A brief history of Escape Artist...
(04-01-2013 11:24 AM)morondog Wrote:  
(04-01-2013 10:23 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  I've spent a good deal of time trying to evaluate my feelings and thoughts about the marriage and him and as one of you said earlier in the thread, it's quite obvious that I don't love him anymore. I've reached the point of being hurt too much and can't bring myself to ever trust him again. But how do I tell him I want a divorce? How, when I'm frightened of what his reaction will be? There's been no physical abuse thus far in the relationship, but you hear so many stories of men who kill their girlfriend or spouse when they find out she is leaving him and that scares me to death. How do you know when you can trust someone? Maybe the fact that I'm afraid and unsure of what his reaction will be, that I'm afraid the reaction will be violent, is precisely because the trust is broken. I feel like I don't know who he is, that maybe I never did, and so how can I predict what he will do?

...regardless of how groundless you may feel it is...
It isn't entirely groundless. I suppose the basis of my fears goes back to a few things:

1. As a teenager, he was involved in an incident with a handgun. I won't go into specifics, but apparently because some guys from his school had talked about stealing some items from his aunt and uncle, or otherwise vandalizing their property, he took his uncle's handgun to school. He kept it in his car (in the floorboard or something) but it was found out and he spent a couple of weeks in juvenile detention for it. Since then, and I suppose partly because the gun was not on school property (he parked at a church of all places), it's been expunged from his record. But still - if his knee-jerk reaction was to go home and get a gun, that frightens me.

2. During the period of our marriage in which I was on the road to atheism - just waking up in general to all the various truths around me, especially in regards to him - I "acted out" so to speak. I flirted with some of his buddies in front of him, desperate to get his attention, to get him to see that things were slipping away and that I was desperate for him to give me a reason to hold onto him. I, obviously, still loved him at that time. One night when I was especially flirty with a buddy of his (and was especially drunk) we came home and he was just lying there in the bed next to me, muttering about how he should just kill himself and I know he must've known I was still awake. Because, after being married for so long, you tend to know your partner's sleep patterns and habits and the particular noises they make when they're asleep, etc. And so, knowing he knew I was awake, I have never felt so terrified in my life. I was afraid to go to sleep. Later, I just wrote it off as drunken paranoia, but I just don't know.

3. Other than that, he does have a temper - screaming, yelling - and is very impatient.

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RE: A brief history of Escape Artist... - Escape Artist - 04-01-2013 11:55 AM
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