A family dilema
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13-04-2014, 05:29 PM
A family dilema
Several years ago I emigrated to Germany leaving my native Austria behind. I started nightschool had a job and everything went according to plans I made until I had to go back home.
I am stuck here in the village that I grew up in taking care of my grandmother who is slowly starting to go dement.

And the reason why I am doing that is because my parents, uncles and aunts refuse to pay for her to be in an old peoples home, because they all hate her because she was such a horribly abusive mother.

Instead they pay me some money, whilest I am officaly unemployed, to take care of her regulary instead, on the basis that I am somehow qualified for that because I worked in a home for mentaly disabled people for a year as an assistant.
But I am not qualified for that. I was merely an assistant there, didnt get a education in nursing and besides that taking care of a person with down sysndrome is absolutly nothing like taking care of an old angry woman. So I am frequently in situations where I am in over my head.

For some years now I have constantly told my relatives that I will leave soon and that they will have to put her in a home or pay or a nurse. But they refuse. I dont know if they are serious about it and if they would literaly leave her alone to die. But I am not willing to take the risk of finding out by simply moving.

I am stuck here in a village in the middle of the alps, which is basicaly a nice place to live if you like sex with cows or your sister and has absolutly nothing to offer besides cows, inbreed farmers and disgusting jokel hillbilly bars.

All whilest knowing that I could be in Berlin, having the time of my life and studying statistical or practical mathmatics.

And hopelessness of this situation dawns on me each and every day as I get angrier and angrier as days pass.

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13-04-2014, 05:47 PM
RE: A family dilema
I used to love vacationing in small Austrian villages, and we had a cottage way up in the Austrian alps and I loved it there, too.

But vacationing there isn't being trapped there for the forseeable future.. I loved the "hillbilly bars" Smile But it would be different if I lived there and everyone knew me.

It's all very charming to visit, but I understand your frustration at being stranded there.

Taking care of someone with dementia can be VERRRY stressful. You may not be able to do it forever, some people get extremely belligerent in dementia.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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13-04-2014, 05:51 PM
RE: A family dilema
Usually the sign of packing your things makes people think more clearly. I don't think your family would literally just leave her all alone if you did move. I mean, they can't stop you from moving, and if you did move and they were faced with the situation, it may make them put her in a home. If that doesn't work out you can always go back... I guess.

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13-04-2014, 05:54 PM
RE: A family dilema
uhmmm, you shouldn't be carrying your family issues at the expense of your own life. Specially for a person that clearly isn't quite deserving of such sacrifice.

I's say you should push your family into taking care of her as they can, maybe even threaten them with denouncing them to social services or something like that.

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13-04-2014, 06:18 PM
RE: A family dilema
I agree with nach_in with "you shouldn't be carrying your family issues at the expense of your own life".

With that said I suggest you give whoever is paying you a written two-week notice that you will be going back to Berlin on that day. Pack your bags and on the 15th day and bis später!

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
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13-04-2014, 08:26 PM
RE: A family dilema
I am reminded of stories of musicians and authors who found themselves an elderly patron or mentor and went off to live with them at the country estate to study their art.

They sacrificed part of their youth for the opportunity.

I know this is not quite the same but perhaps you could turn it into that opportunity... foregoing the bright lights of Berlin for the tranquility of the Alps while you train to become one of the greatest mathematicians of our age.

Obviously you will need to arrange some on-line course and preferable one that is trainer-led with plenty of collaboration via mentoring / chat-rooms etc. (which is something that the apprentices of the past could not do).

The trick would be to get this funded by your family ...
The sales pitch:
You are sacrificing your future and taking way their feelings of guilt... that has got to be worth something.

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14-04-2014, 12:54 AM
RE: A family dilema
You have access to the Internet. If you can find an part time job and save some money, you will have better options.

Is finding a online job plausible for you ?

Want something? Then do something.
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14-04-2014, 04:44 AM
RE: A family dilema
As someone whos dealing with a wife in late stage dementia, please let me give some advice.

Get the hell out of there as soon as humanly possible, unless you have a strong emotional tie to her, it will consume your life. You will feel the walls slowly closing in on your own options , your thinking process, freedoms and personal happiness.

Her disease will leave you stressed and angry to the point where you start losing your mind also. It leaves you with a hopelessness that I cant explain, but it takes the life/energy out of you.

I'm currently trying to get my wife placed in a facility and dont know whether or not I can ever get my own life back on track. Dont end up like this.

If bullshit were music some people would be a brass band.
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14-04-2014, 11:51 AM
RE: A family dilema
Sorry to hear you have to deal with this.

You need to live your own life and should move in that direction. She isn't your responsibility and they need to step up and take care of her. I wouldn't want to leave her on her own either. If you leave and they do not help her are there public systems in place where you are to help?

My mom died from dementia and we were able to get her into a good nursing home. Dealing with it while professionals took care of her was hard enough. As her brain was shutting down she got more vilolent and difficult to handle (these were characteristics she never displayed before).

You said you're finding yourself in over your head and the fact that you recognize that means she needs someone trained to do so. If you need to vent feel free to PM me.

" Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous."
David Hume
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14-04-2014, 12:03 PM
RE: A family dilema
call social services yourself. Tell them that you will no longer be employed as her caretaker after a particular date- so they need to find a placement for her. If they want the info for your relatives, give it.

Send a written letter to your relatives that you are quitting your "caretaking job, have contacted social services, and on [particular date] you will be leaving town for your new life.

Don't give anyone options.

Just make your plans. There comes a time and place when they have to step up and deal with THEIR mother once and for all. Whether its paying for her care, making her a ward of the state.....whatever, but dumping on you is no longer an option.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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