About father

[Leela]

I thought about it a little more. I also talked to my mom about it because although she is not the best advisor, she knows him much better than I do.
I came to the conclusion that for now, I will just leave it all the way it was for the past 14,5 years. When I visit Munich (hopefully sometime next year) I will try to have coffee with him the way I would with my mother in law, and see how it goes.
I think that is the best approach for me right now.

A few people pointed out to me that it may not be the greatest idea to just bombard him with questions (of this kind) and probably close the doors for ever. Maybe a little bit of contact isn't the worst idea but I think coffee somewhere public is the best idea to start it off again.

Thanks a lot for all the input, I really appreciate your honesty.

[bemore]

Id say that your father is only human. We all make mistakes and sometimes we are blind to what we have done.

Ive done some abhorent stuff in the past that I guess would make people see me differently or not believe me. Either way I have changed and I have learned from my mistakes.

I hope it works out for you Leela.

[Anjele]

Leela,

Why don't you make a list of things you would like to know...questions you want answers for. Make some notes to yourself. What do you want to accomplish? What if he really doesn't have any answers? It sounds like even when he was trying to be a parent, he was ill-equipped to do so.

Send a letter saying you would like to hear his side of things. I don't think you will accomplish much if you begin an interrogation. After you both have had some time to think about it, perhaps having a cup of coffee would be somewhere to start.

Be prepared to be let down, be prepared to hear things you don't like. Also be open to the fact that you may learn a key piece of information that clears a lot of things up.

This doesn't have to be seen as a road to a reconciliation but a way to clear some questions.

Good luck with this and keep us posted.

[Leela]

Anjele the idea with the list and preparing is very good. I am a huge plan maker BUT in this case I am not going to.
I can handle him not wanting to have coffee, but I can not handle adressing these things and letting him hurt me again, even just a little.
I don't care how ill equipped he was as a parent. He is not a talker, he is not a person that will justify or explain ANYTHING he does. I never knew him like that, noone knows him like that.
Furthermore, he may be even less well equipped to talk to me now that I am an adult because (sorry if that sounds weird) I grew way smarter than he is or has ever been. If it came down to a real discussion I would have him dig his own trap.
I don't feel like making a real conversation. Maybe, until I meet him, I will be able to do small talk about the weather and shit like that. I think that will be enough.
I think I will listen to DLJs advice "hey remember me?..." and see where it goes.

[Anjele]

I get it...crappy parents are a real trial. It stays with you. I'm sorry you dealt with such BS...I got a plentiful serving myself and it stinks.

My mother simply casts blame onto others. That's how she explains her actions...it wasn't her fault. BLAH!

[Erxomai]

You shoulda let me be your daddy. Then you wouldn't have all this angst.