Alcoholism
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30-01-2017, 11:21 AM
Alcoholism
Hello dear TTA crew,

in the process of dealing with the death of my mother i came across another point where i owuld like to have some input.

The *issue* is my dad. He is the my last direct relative and i am thinking of adjusting my life in order to be able to support him. He is in his late 70s now (*1939).

Howver today i got notice (from his last surviving aunt) that he called her to inform her of the death of my mom. She also told me that "he was drunk like a russian". Well, he was raised in soviet russia, so technically that may even be correct in more than just one way, but thats another topic.

My point is: he isnt an alcoholic, but he is a heavy drinker, for all of his adult life. How do i deal with him? Its maybe a little late to ask this question, but anyhow...

My family is full of alcoholics, but he is different. He even despises the ones who were physically dependant. He is (seems to be) a very controlled heavy drinker, keeping himself always an inch away form alcoholism. Mo-Fri he always was and is sober. Fri-Sun he drank without end. This in fact ruined my parents marriage (and i told my mom that i completely support her decision to divorce him). He visits the doc regularly to get his liver checked, and the results aways were "ok". He drank and drove when i was a kid, he drank and was away the whole wekeend with some pals until sunday evening. On monday morning (technically still very drunk i guess) he went to work again and stayed sober until friday.
He has an incredibly strong will, i have plenty of evidence for this, and i know from my grandma that he is probably the most stubborn bastard on the face of this planet, literally (short story: grandpa coming hom from the eastern front, bows down to little dad and cigarettes fall out of his uniform. Grandpa asks 2y old dad to pick up cigs, dad refuses and walks away. My grandma told me this story). But for some reason he seems to invest this "gift" of will into willingly keeping himself one step from the proverbial "abyss". As he grew older he couldnt drink as much, and ramped it down. But it seems even at 77 he doenst quit. Some people die early due to alcoholism, much more early than 77, some are addicted physically and cant live without having a drink after they get up, but he doesnt seem to care. Alcohol seems to be his life long mistress whom he always keeps at an arms reach away.

Now my question is:
1) Is my impression right or wrong? Do people exist who are using (any kind of) drugs, excessively, but in a very controlled manner?
2) If so, how to deal with them? What is going on in their mind?
3) Is there a basic problem behind all of this (he never knew his own father, who died in the outskirts of Moscow in Winter of 1941)?

Since i am adult i told him that he can drink as much as he wants, but not.when.i.am.there.
Now the prospect of him maybe going to my moms funeral while being drunk? .....i am willing to seriously consider to reprimand him. This would not be acceptable to me. Dad or not, 77 or not. This is where i am willing to draw the line

What do you guys think?

Ceterum censeo, religionem delendam esse
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30-01-2017, 11:43 AM
RE: Alcoholism
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this coming on top of your mother's death.

Maybe consider writing a sincere, but also polite, letter to your father about your hope that he will be sober at your mother's funeral so that the two of you can say goodbye to her with clear heads? He can reject the request, but you will have tried.

He'll only change if he seriously wants to. While it's possible that you'll be able to make him want to change, it's not a good idea IMO to proceed with the assumption that that will happen. I'd advise you to assume instead that he's going to continue to be a heavy drinker with the same personality he's always had. Figure out what your limits would be in that scenario and make your commitments accordingly. At least when you start with basement expectations, you may have some pleasant surprises in store.

I hope things work out for you and your family.
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30-01-2017, 01:38 PM
RE: Alcoholism
I think denial sometimes happens in the families of alcoholics, and that you perhaps could be in denial. Weekend binge-drinking is certainly a form of alcoholism, one which features less a physical than a psychological component, but still, is an addictive pattern. There are such critters as functional alcoholics -- I'm one.

Personally, I think you should take care of your mother's services first. If he shows up drunk but behaving, save any discussion about the issue until later -- after her services, and when he's sober. If he shows up drunk and misbehaves, by all means get him to settle down, or escort him out.

As for dealing with his drinking long-term, that's his decision.

My sympathies on your loss, and on your difficulties dealing with your father in the aftermath. It can't be easy. Stay strong and focused.
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30-01-2017, 01:53 PM
RE: Alcoholism
He binges.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binge_drinking

Just ask him not to show up drunk at the funeral. Challenge his self control, bingers often take pride of being in control of drinking.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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30-01-2017, 02:00 PM
RE: Alcoholism
(30-01-2017 01:53 PM)Dom Wrote:  He binges.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binge_drinking

Just ask him not to show up drunk at the funeral. Challenge his self control, bingers often take pride of being in control of drinking.

It makes us feel like we earned the ensuing celebratory binge.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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30-01-2017, 06:54 PM
RE: Alcoholism
I suggest you stop rationalizing. He's an alcoholic.

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30-01-2017, 07:26 PM
RE: Alcoholism
Quote:Do people exist who are using (any kind of) drugs, excessively, but in a very controlled manner?

Yes. Every imaginable scenario happens. Some people take outrageous quantities of drugs and handle them quite well and remain very functional.

Quote:If so, how to deal with them? What is going on in their mind?

I don't think you can do anything about it. As for what's in their heads that's impossible to say.

Quote:Is there a basic problem behind all of this (he never knew his own father, who died in the outskirts of Moscow in Winter of 1941)?

Almost every heavy drug user has a complex set of reasons why they spend so much time drunk and stoned.

All the best to you.
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31-01-2017, 12:40 AM
RE: Alcoholism
(30-01-2017 01:53 PM)Dom Wrote:  He binges.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binge_drinking

Just ask him not to show up drunk at the funeral. Challenge his self control, bingers often take pride of being in control of drinking.

Pro Tip: If you have to control your drinking, you're an alcoholic. Drinking Beverage

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31-01-2017, 02:20 AM
RE: Alcoholism
(30-01-2017 11:21 AM)Deesse23 Wrote:  Hello dear TTA crew,

in the process of dealing with the death of my mother i came across another point where I would like to have some input.

——major snip——

The *issue* is my dad. He is the my last direct relative and I am thinking of adjusting my life in order to be able to support him. He is in his late 70s now (*1939).
Now the prospect of him maybe going to my moms funeral while being drunk? .....I am willing to seriously consider to reprimand him. This would not be acceptable to me. Dad or not, 77 or not. This is where i am willing to draw the line

What do you guys think?

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your mother's death, and please know that my thoughts are with you.

I'm afraid to say—as much as you're resisting the notion—that your dad is an alcoholic. He displays all the classic symptoms of reliance, excess, and denial.

The best you can do is to ask him—as a mark of respect and his sincerity—to not have any drinks on the day of your mother's funeral. You can't insist however; you can only suggest. And on the day I guess you'll just have to bite the bullet and accept his presence in whatever state he turns up. It's something only he can decide on, and as he's a responsible(?) adult, there's ultimately not a lot you can do—or should be expected to do.

I hope you (and he) get this sorted out amicably before the funeral, but as Cain said to God [sic] you're not your brother's keeper.

—Good luck.

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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31-01-2017, 03:24 AM
RE: Alcoholism
Thanks for your input so far guys. Thumbsup

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