All praise be to the Flying Spaghetti Monster!!
19-06-2011, 12:28 AM
All praise be to the Flying Spaghetti Monster!!
For truly His Noodly Appendages have touched us all.
This is the ONE time I'll say it, The church, ideologies, and beliefs of the FSM are SATIRE and used (efficiently) to demonstrate how insanely fucking ridiculous religious people sound to atheists.
The EXACT same arguments you use for your religion are just as easily used to support COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
Now that the serious stuff has been taken care of... let no one break character again.
For those of you in attendance today who are unfamiliar with the history and teachings of His Noodly Lordship, let me take some time to educate you. For His Noodles are the way and the sauce. My meatballs shall be your meatballs.
And now, a reading from the homepage of the FSM, as spoketh by Bobby the Apostle.
"The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, while having existed in secrecy for hundreds of years, only recently came into the mainstream when this letter was published in May 2005.
(An excerpt if I may from the Holy Doctrine)
Quote:"I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (Pastafarianism), and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence."
-So sayeth the great Servant of Pasta
Some claim that the church is purely a thought experiment, satire, illustrating that Intelligent Design is not science, but rather a pseudoscience manufactured by Christians to push Creationism into public schools. These people are mistaken. The Church of FSM is real, totally legit, and backed by hard science. Anything that comes across as humor or satire is purely coincidental.
Pastafarianism is a real religion.
By design, the only dogma allowed in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the rejection of dogma. That is, there are no strict rules and regulations, there are no rote rituals and prayers and other nonsense. Every member has a say in what this church is and what it becomes.
To outsiders it makes us hard to define, but here are some general things that can be said about our beliefs:
-We believe pirates, the original Pastafarians, were peaceful explorers and it was due to Christian misinformation that they have an image of outcast criminals today
-We are fond of beer
-Every Friday is a Religious Holiday
-We do not take ourselves too seriously
-We embrace contradictions (though in that we are hardly unique)"
And now recounting from the Sermon on the Mound of Spaghetti, where speaketh His Holy Noodlage with much grating of Parmesan to a crowd of naysayers:
Q: Is this a joke?
A: It’s not a joke. Elements of our religion are often described as satire and there are many members who do not literally believe our scripture, but this isn’t unusual in religion – it’s only more obvious in the case of our particular religion. A lot of Christians, for example, don’t believe the Bible is literally true – but that doesn’t mean they aren’t True Christians.
Q: How do Pastafarians believe our world was created?
A: We believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the world much as it exists today, but for reasons unknown made it appear that the universe is billions of years old (instead of thousands) and that life evolved into its current state (rather than created in its current form). Every time a researcher carries out an experiment that appears to confirm one of these “scientific theories” supporting an old earth and evolution we can be sure that the FSM is there, modifying the data with his Noodly Appendage. We don’t know why He does this but we believe He does, that is our Faith.
After answering two questions, His Noodleship became bored and floated away, as is custom when confronted by a mob of angry Anoodleists.
Pastafarians generally hold that anything remotely resembling His Holiest of Italian Dishes is a direct sign from FSM Himself. Ranging from our basic tributes to a pile of vomit on the floor of a McDonalds, as seen below.
Much to the delight of senile, closet homosexuals named TrainWreck everywhere, Pastafarianism DOES have a political agenda and we are actively spreading our message. Though we maintain the Dewey Decimal System will never be surpassed as a classification system and anyone who attempts to do so is fooling themselves and should be beaten with a burlap sack full of yams.
We are deeply concerned about the rise in global temperature due to the decline of pirates, as indicated by the following chart.
Also, it should be observed that many people dress up as pirates for Halloween, and the months following October 31 are generally cooler than those that precede it.
-The central belief is that an invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe "after drinking heavily." According to these beliefs, the Monster's intoxication was the cause for a flawed Earth. Furthermore, according to Pastafarianism, all evidence for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster in an effort to test Pastafarians' faith.
-The Pastafarian belief of Heaven contains a beer volcano and a stripper factory. The Pastafarian Hell is similar, except that the beer is stale and the strippers have sexually transmitted diseases.
According to Pastafarian beliefs, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians. Furthermore, Pastafarians believe that pirates' image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages and by Hare Krishnas. Instead, Pastafarians believe that they were "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children, adding that modern pirates are in no way similar to "the fun-loving buccaneers from history." In addition, Pastafarians believe that ghost pirates are responsible for all of the mysterious lost ships and planes of the Bermuda Triangle.
Pastafarians celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19.
A Rastafarian typically celebrates four major holidays.
-Around the time of Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, Pastafarians celebrate a vaguely defined holiday named "Holiday." Holiday does not take place on "a specific date so much as it is the Holiday season, itself." Because Pastafarians "reject dogma and formalism," there are no specific requirements for Holiday. Pastafarians are instructed to celebrate Holiday however they please.
Pastafarians interpret the increasing usage of "Happy Holidays", rather than more traditional greetings (such as "Merry Christmas"), as support for Pastafarianism. In December 2005, George W. Bush's White House Christmas greeting cards wished people a happy "holiday season," leading Henderson (Prophet Bobby) to write the President a note of thanks, including a "fish" emblem depicting the Flying Spaghetti Monster for his limousine or plane. Henderson also thanked Wal-Mart for its use of the phrase.
-During the Jewish holiday of Passover, Pastafarians celebrate Pastover, a festival in which they eat great quantities of pasta, primarily spaghetti, because it most resembles the Flying Spaghetti Monster. People also share short stories of when the Flying Spaghetti Monster began touching people with His Noodly Appendage, and participate in The Passing of the Eye Patch, a ritual in which everyone takes turns wearing an eyepatch and sharing stories of when they were touched by His Noodly Appendage.
-Ramendan is similar to the Islamic holiday of Ramadan. Instead of praying and fasting, participants spend a few days eating nothing but ramen instant noodles, remembering their days as college students, and giving thanks for how far they have come.
"Talk Like A Pirate Day"
-Although International Talk Like a Pirate Day was established before Bobby Henderson wrote his open letter to the Kansas State Board of Education, Pastafarians have adopted it as one of their holidays. On 19 September, during International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Pastafarians dress up and talk like pirates in order to celebrate the "pirate origins" of their faith.
The One Book, our Cookbook for a Tasty Life. A Recipe for Morals.
The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
The Gospel begins with the creation of the universe by an invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster. On the first day, the Flying Spaghetti Monster separated the water from the heavens; on the second, because He could not tread water for long and had grown tired of flying, He created the land—complemented by a beer volcano. Satisfied, the Flying Spaghetti Monster overindulged in beer from the beer volcano and woke up hungover. Between drunken nights and clumsy afternoons, the Flying Spaghetti Monster produced seas and land (for a second time, accidentally, because he forgot that he created it the day before) along with Heaven and a midget, which he named Man. Man and an equally short woman lived happily in the Olive Garden of Eden for some time until the Flying Spaghetti Monster caused a global flood in a cooking accident.
Captain Mosey and the Eight "I'd Rather You Didn'ts"
-The Gospel also contains the Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts", adherence to which enables Pastafarians to ascend to heaven, which includes a stripper factory and beer volcano. According to The Gospel, Mosey the Pirate captain received ten stone tablets as advice from the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Of these original ten "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts", two were dropped on the way down from Mount Salsa. This event "partly accounts for Pastafarians' flimsy moral standards." The "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" address a broad array of behavior, from sexual conduct to nutrition.
One commandment from the tablets is:
"I'd really rather you didn't build multimillion-dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to [His] Noodly Goodness when the money could be better spent ending poverty, curing diseases, living in peace, loving with passion and lowering the cost of cable."
SOURCES OF INFORMATION
The Holiest of Homepages
Wikipedia Page on FSM - which was authored by The Royal Noodle Himself, and is the main source of half the stuff posted on this thread
Become a Pastafarian Minister
Buy Our Holy Doctine from Amazon
"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."
"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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