Alpha Build Bible
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
04-02-2014, 08:40 AM
Alpha Build Bible
You know how the bible refers to God as being male? Well, as a male I can tell you that we sometimes passively take credit for things that we didn’t do or getting done in a shorter order than it really happens. “Oh Honey, I love this bird house, and you did it on your first try.” Mean while, behind the wood shed is 23 mangled and mishapened bird houses.

Well this thread is for us to have fun and make up quotes from the versions of the bible that are behind the wood shed.

This is from a friend of mine, that inspired this thread with this line “God said let there be light, and the world went blind.”

These are mine, “God made the earth and the sea, and then made man, then made note to self to make land first”

“God made man and woman equal in all things including sex drive and orgasm capacity, and man and woman were found three days later dead from exhaustion and dehydration”

Anyway, come up with your own and have fun reading and writing things up.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Stumpy McPatch's post
04-02-2014, 10:01 AM
RE: Alpha Build Bible
"God promised not to destroy the entire world with a flood, but he did wipe out countless lives with floods and tsunamis since then."
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
04-02-2014, 10:11 AM
RE: Alpha Build Bible
(04-02-2014 08:40 AM)Stumpy McPatch Wrote:  “God made man and woman equal in all things including sex drive and orgasm capacity, and man and woman were found three days later dead from exhaustion and dehydration”

Anyway, come up with your own and have fun reading and writing things up.


God was finishing up the process of creating man and woman. After he had built the basic structure, he began dividing up the odds and ends that would make men and women different.

After making subtle changes to his creations to differentiate them he came to the last two items in his bag. He pulled out the second to last and said "Here we have the ability to pee standing up."

Adam jumped up and down excitedly. "THAT IS AWESOME" he shouted "I have to have that! I could write my name in the snow, I could aim at bugs and things, OH, it would be so great! Please, Eve, let me have that. Nothing could possibly be more incredible than the ability to pee standing up. PLEASE!"

Eve rolled her eyes at Adam's immaturity and nodded. "Sure, knock yourself out. I'll take whatever is left"

So God gave Adam the penis. He immediately started running around peeing on things and generally waving about his odd new appendage. Clearly thrilled by his new found toy.

Eve looked to God and said, "Well, I suppose we should find out what the last item is."

Adam shouted from over a hill, "Doesn't matter! I got the best thing ever!"

God then dug down to the bottom of his bag and pulled out the last remaining item "Well, it looks like you're stuck with multiple orgasms"


Big Grin

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like itsnotmeitsyou's post
04-02-2014, 12:53 PM
RE: Alpha Build Bible
Damn you, Adam!
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes RobbyPants's post
04-02-2014, 05:53 PM
RE: Alpha Build Bible
Along the same lines as the last few: God made Adam, looked at his creation, and said "I can do better than that." Then he made Eve.

I don't claim to have made that up. I heard it somewhere, years ago.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
05-02-2014, 12:04 AM
RE: Alpha Build Bible
As THE LORD looked at the goddesses of other faiths, he felt a tingling sensation, and when he used his center arm to grasp his protrusion, he strained his muscles to the point of both his arm and his loins into severe damage. That is why humans are made with two arms, men with a delicate thigh, and commanded them not to strangle their dongles.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
05-02-2014, 03:42 AM
RE: Alpha Build Bible
And The Lord spoke to himself for no reason and said out-loud 'Let there be light!', as he proceeded to light his flatulence on fire, thus did he start all of creation.

[Image: GrumpyCat_01.gif]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
05-02-2014, 11:58 PM
RE: Alpha Build Bible
(04-02-2014 05:53 PM)Grasshopper Wrote:  Along the same lines as the last few: God made Adam, looked at his creation, and said "I can do better than that." Then he made Eve.

I don't claim to have made that up. I heard it somewhere, years ago.

Yes, you always make a rough draft before producing the masterpiece Big Grin

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
06-02-2014, 01:22 AM
RE: Alpha Build Bible
(05-02-2014 11:58 PM)aurora Wrote:  
(04-02-2014 05:53 PM)Grasshopper Wrote:  Along the same lines as the last few: God made Adam, looked at his creation, and said "I can do better than that." Then he made Eve.

I don't claim to have made that up. I heard it somewhere, years ago.

Yes, you always make a rough draft before producing the masterpiece Big Grin


Tell that to George Lucas, am I'm pretty sure his script for Episode 1 never left his yellow legal scratch pad... Drinking Beverage

[Image: GrumpyCat_01.gif]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
06-02-2014, 09:10 AM
RE: Alpha Build Bible
"And after Adam and Eve had eaten from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, god did bellow 'damn it, Sid Meyer'"
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: