Am I Being Childish?
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03-10-2014, 04:52 AM
Am I Being Childish?
Let me preface this with the fact that, yes, I believe I am. My goal here is to figure out why and hopefully change it.


I've been best friends with a woman I know since before I can remember. She and I have often sat at the bar and pondered over when and where we actually met; all efforts to recall the answer being fruitless. For as long as either of us can remember, we've simply been a part of each others' lives, and we've only gotten closer with age. (Maturity does that)

Since knowing her, she's only had one serious boyfriend, and even he wasn't around very often. She's a very conservative, set-in-her-ways kind of chick, and only ever hung out with him on official dates. In fact, I've never even met the dude. This is partly because he was apparently an asshole, and was thus never integrated fully into her life. He just never leveled up.

This worked out just fine with me, because she, my sister and I are like the Three Musketeers. I can text her saying "Let's get fucked up" and know that it'll be just the three of us sitting at a table in the pub, or sitting around the patio or standing around a campfire. Whenever we hang out, it's just us. We know each other; we know all of our little quirks and secrets. We have our in-jokes that nobody else would understand. (Or even find amusing) We can say shit to each other that most people would lose teeth for, and laugh. Hell, our official unofficial greeting is the one-finger salute - regardless of setting or company. It's just our little clique, and that's just the way I like it.

So, when she recently informed me that she not only has a new boyfriend but that things are getting serious with him (more so than with the previous one), I felt a surprising sense of dread shoot through me. Like that moment when you hear news that you're embarrassed to find unnerving, but still feel the rush of ice-water in your stomach. It was almost - and in fact may have been - a feeling of jealousy. Bear in mind that I feel nothing for this girl in the way of romance. Not even anything sexual. She's got a nice body and I've (half-heartedly) tried to get in her pants when we've been drunk, but I otherwise feel literally nothing. She's my best friend who's literally been there since before I can remember, and that's that.

Since hearing about this new boyfriend, though, that jolt of dread has sort of been stretched out, and I realized that I really don't fucking want him in the picture. I even find myself hoping with sincerity that he turns out to be as much a cunt as the last guy and will be dumped with haste.

Please don't misunderstand me; I don't want her to be treated like shit, and yes, I certainly want her to be happy. If she feels pursuing a relationship with someone will make her happy, I will not only support her, but even try to hook it up myself if need be. She deserves - and is free - to be with whomever she wishes and to be as happy as she wishes. And yet, even though I'm supportive on the outside and would never even consider voicing my feelings, on the inside, I'm sort of churning with disapproval. Why? Because I know that if he doesn't end up getting dumped, it's going to lead to him being integrated into our little group. Especially if they end up married at some point. And even if he's not there at literally every bonfire or bar-hop, I'm still gonna have to tolerate the fucker's insipid presence. Maybe he won't get our jokes. Maybe I'll flip her off as our usual greeting and one day he'll snap and tell me not to fucking do that to his girlfriend anymore. Maybe he'll be offended by my jokes about her mother and push her to ask me to censor myself while in their presence. (That's happened once before with another friend, and it pissed me right the fuck off) Maybe he'll get tipsy one night and wait until she goes to the bathroom to give me a civil but stern talking to about how I interact with the chick I've been friends with for-fucking-ever. You want a fast-track to being on my dick nerve? That's it. I take a swift kick to the nuts better than being asked by a newbie to stop treating my friend the way we've always treated each other.

Then again, maybe this is all in my head and he'd be the coolest dude I've ever met. Maybe we'd click immediately and be the best of friends. Maybe they'll joke that I should be the one in the wedding dress instead of her. (And I'd totally don a dress to the wedding because we're fucked up like that) Maybe everything bad that could happen is purely in my head.

The thing is, I don't want to find out. I don't care to find out. I want him to fuck off and for her to just be her - like I've always known her - for as long as I continue to know her. There is no 4th musketeer, and that's because they ditched him with the check and ran out the back door because he was cramping their style. It's me, my sister, and our friend. That's the way it should stay.

I realize I'm being petty and selfish. I know. And I feel like just as much of a dick as I am because of it. I realize that she can be with whomever she wants and I have no say in the matter. I also realize that grown-ups accept new friends into the fold all the time and that's how it is. It's life. But it seems that I can't help sitting over here stomping my feet and holding my breath because they invited another kid to the sleepover and I didn't want that. I feel like: she's my friend and that's how it's always been and I never asked to have another person around the campfire shoving their hand into the cooler. I've never brought someone else in. We both have other friends, but the three of us are the friends that you leave a party to be with at a moment's notice. More family than mere friends, and now there's the prospect of someone else joining the family. For some reason, I don't fucking like it.

In truth, though, I wish I could. Like I said, this is a non-issue. It's another person. Ok, so bring him and we can hang out. What's the issue? Again, I don't know. But I do want to stop this feeling of resentment and jealousy and whatever else this is from brewing inside of me whenever she talks about how well they're doing, or what her dad thought of him when she brought him over for dinner(!), or just how much fuckin' fun he is to be around I hate him I HATE HIM I HATE HIM! Censored

Seriously, wtf? Why am I being such an infant about this? Undecided Or, more importantly, how do I stop?

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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03-10-2014, 05:05 AM
RE: Am I Being Childish?
You are being human.

Jealous? Sure, a little. You don't want your bestest friend to find someone who might be more bester than you. Weeping

But fear is what is really going on. Fear of change.

The answer is acceptance. You have to accept that the only constant in life is change.

And I don't know how that is done except by putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward with your eyes wide open.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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03-10-2014, 05:12 AM
RE: Am I Being Childish?
Chances are this guy is nervous about being brought into your group especially since it's been a thing for so long. He is coming in as the outsider, not the greatest spot to hold.

Give him a chance. If they are happy together why be the one to make it difficult? He may be a great guy.

Of course he isn't going to get the jokes, at least not at first.

Don't overthink this. You have a friend of many years who has met a new person that she feels is important enough in her life to share him with you and your sister. Appreciate that.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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03-10-2014, 08:56 AM
RE: Am I Being Childish?
I understand caring about your good friend and any potential guys who come into her life, but sounds like it's more than that to me. Sounds like you've caught feelings for her. It happens. I'd explore those feelings to make sure your reaction to this guy is purely out of concern for her or you have feelings for her. Just my humble opinion. Angel

Be true to yourself. Heart
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03-10-2014, 10:07 AM
RE: Am I Being Childish?
Everyone already said the good stuff....

You're a good guy Miso!

Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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03-10-2014, 10:49 AM
RE: Am I Being Childish?
Im in this boat..... As the "new guy".
And i can tell you it's pretty hurtful to love someone yet feel judged as an outsider with a certain group of friends. One of them actually constantly reminisces on old stories i cant possibly know about. About 90% of the time is spent controlled by this one person who's not happy im in the picture now.
Although as 'good' friends each one should be happy for new & exciting love... One is not. And it's as clear as the nose on my face.
So how do i respond ?
Im grateful for any moments of acceptance i can get. I join the conversations whenever im able. And when its obvious im being excluded i just go outside by myself awhile. Sometimes i read or come here to the forum when im feeling unwanted. My partner never leaves me by myself for too long. Always asking "you ok babe?". Shes very cognizant of whats going on.
But neither of us try to manipulate or control any of it.
We're just being ourselves and allowing that sometimes friends worry and only time can fix such things.

Just thought id share the outsiders POV.

You might be being selfish. I really cant say. Maybe protecting. Either way only time will tell.

When I want your opinion I'll read your entrails.
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03-10-2014, 12:36 PM
RE: Am I Being Childish?
(03-10-2014 04:52 AM)Misanthropik Wrote:  Let me preface this with the fact that, yes, I believe I am. My goal here is to figure out why and hopefully change it.
---
What's the issue? Again, I don't know. But I do want to stop this feeling of resentment and jealousy and whatever else this is from brewing inside of me whenever she talks about how well they're doing, or what her dad thought of him when she brought him over for dinner(!), or just how much fuckin' fun he is to be around I hate him I HATE HIM I HATE HIM! Censored

Seriously, wtf? Why am I being such an infant about this? Undecided Or, more importantly, how do I stop?

Ha - you are a great friend - probably the greatest friend this person has ever had! Thumbsup

If you were my friend, I wouldn't want you to change... it seems this is just YOU in "care mode". It's probably just part of how you process your relationship feelings; it's something that helps you define your internal self awareness so it's able to mash up with your external confidence. It is part of what helps you know that you adore her, even though you know there's nothing there.

If her open discussion of him bothers you, let her know that you may need to "not hear it" (unless he's an asshole & she needs support) to remain ok with it. Advise her that such glowing reviews of this guy, stirs some primal thing that confuses your innards into thinking you are jealous, when you know that's not the case. Not only will she understand this, it might also be a bit of an ego boost for her. She certainly adores you as well, even though she also knows there's nothing there.

Congratulations and condolences: you love. Heart It is a human animal thing.

Sorry Miso, you'll just have to ride out this relationship, whatever the trajectory. Just let her know that you love her and good or bad, you guys still need to hang... no matter how the shit rolls out. Shy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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03-10-2014, 12:43 PM
RE: Am I Being Childish?
It doesnt have to be romantic sort of jealousy. People can get super jealous of someone's time and attention.
Period.

When I want your opinion I'll read your entrails.
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03-10-2014, 04:31 PM
RE: Am I Being Childish?
This poor guy is going to feel like the spouse going to a high school reunion for a school he didn't attend and maybe even a town he isn't from.

You can be the decent, welcoming guy (while still keeping a watchful eye peeled) or you can be the inconsiderate jerk. I think you know which is the better choice. Smile

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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03-10-2014, 09:12 PM
RE: Am I Being Childish?
Part of the reason our gang has been whittled down to just the three of us is because of how we interact with each other. Like I said, she's from a very conservative walk of life, and even though she herself is really outgoing and off-the-wall, her friends are really tight-assed. (Hence the reason we have our own groups of friends on the side) On more than one occasion, when they happen to be around, I'll say or do something humorous that offends their delicate sensibilities and I get a short reprimand on "respect." It really divided us all over time, and at the end of it, she stays because she "gets me" and my sister. Now it's a kind of unspoken agreement that nobody else belongs in the inner circle. (A rule which obviously changes with the addition of a life-partner)

I guess a lot of the worry is that this new guy might end up coming in and poisoning the group that's been standing strong for as long as we can remember. Just based on the types of people she gets involved with. I'm feeling protective of our long-standing history and don't want a newbie with a stick up his ass causing trouble when we're just trying to be us.

Of course, it's worth remembering that if he doesn't mesh with us or with her, then she'll likely get rid of him anyway. Maybe the problem would solve itself. Then again, maybe if my disapproval is made known, she'll see me as the source of the trouble and I'll be the one who gets "dumped." I'd like to think not, given our history, but...who knows.


I've still yet to meet the guy, so I invited her to bring him hiking with my sister and me later this month. I figure a mountain trail is neutral ground and his presence will feel less intrusive. She said she'd see what he's up to and get back to me.

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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