An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
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18-06-2011, 08:33 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
You're on fire at the moment BC Smile Cannot wait for the NT, I always get it shoved down my throat that the NT makes up for the gruesome nature of the OT.

Best and worst of Ferdinand .....
Best
Ferdinand: We don't really say 'theist' in Alabama. Here, you're either a Christian, or you're from Afghanistan and we fucking hate you.
Worst
Ferdinand: Everyone from British is so, like, fucking retarded.
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18-06-2011, 09:45 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: 28165_amos_t_sm.jpg]



Stupid small books. Get out of my way, I'm trying to find Jesus!



Stop keeping me from my brother (Buddy and Jesus Christ)! I want to hear what he has to say!

What have you got for me, Amos?



God visits a sheep herder named Amos. And the reason for his visit?

(Drumroll)
...
..
.

PUNISHMENT OF MANKIND!


[Image: 3d-applause.gif]



1:4 But I will send a fire into the house of Hazael, which shall devour the palaces of Benhadad.

-You know... I'm assuming God isn't going to have a radical change of heart in the last few chapters and start being kind to everyone. My count of vengeful god vs caring god is like 20,453 to 6.
The OT is a terrible book... but we'll save that for the post-OT review session.



1:7 But I will send a fire on the wall of Gaza

1:10 But I will send a fire on the wall of Tyrus

1:12 But I will send a fire upon Teman

2:2 But I will send a fire upon Moab

2:5 But I will send a fire upon Judah


-God loves to burn people alive. Kid with a magnifying glass.



[Image: Heatblast_shooting_fire.jpg]



5:18 Woe unto you that desire the day of the LORD! to what end is it for you? the day of the LORD is darkness, and not light.

5:19 As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him.

5:20 Shall not the day of the LORD be darkness, and not light? even very dark, and no brightness in it?


-Sounds to me like God is asking why anyone would look forward to judgement day, since it's going to be darkness and pain for everyone.



5:21 I hate, I despise your feast days, and I will not smell in your solemn assemblies.

5:22 Though ye offer me burnt offerings and your meat offerings, I will not accept them: neither will I regard the peace offerings of your fat beasts.

5:23 Take thou away from me the noise of thy songs; for I will not hear the melody of thy viols.

5:24 But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.

5:25 Have ye offered unto me sacrifices and offerings in the wilderness forty years, O house of Israel?


-Because the people of Israel haven't offered animal sacrifices for 40 years, God decides that even if they DID offer them now, he wouldn't take them. And also, you all smell terrible and I hate your stupid songs.



6:8 The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself, saith the LORD the God of hosts, I abhor the excellency of Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city with all that is therein.

6:9 And it shall come to pass, if there remain ten men in one house, that they shall die.


-And you know what? Jacob's palaces are stupid too. So stupid that I'm going to destroy them. And don't let me catch a bunch of guys living in the same house or I'll kill them too.



8:1 Thus hath the Lord GOD shewed unto me: and behold a basket of summer fruit.

8:2 And he said, Amos, what seest thou? And I said, A basket of summer fruit. Then said the LORD unto me, The end is come upon my people of Israel; I will not again pass by them any more.

8:3 And the songs of the temple shall be howlings in that day, saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place; they shall cast them forth with silence.


Lord: Hey Amos, what does this look like to you?
Amos: Uhhhh, summer fruit?
Lord: ...I'm gonna kill those fucking Israelis.
Amos: ...?


[Image: roundfruitsmall.jpg] = [Image: 220px-No_Israel.svg.png]



8:7 The LORD hath sworn by the excellency of Jacob, Surely I will never forget any of their works.

-But you just said... but... (turns back 2 pages)

"6:8 The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself, saith the LORD the God of hosts, I abhor the excellency of Jacob"



8:9 And it shall come to pass in that day, saith the Lord GOD, that I will cause the sun to go down at noon, and I will darken the earth in the clear day:

-Cause the sun to go down at noon? But that's physically impossible for sun to go down at noon for the entire world. And if you tilted the earth so that there was little sun for Israel, that means that on the opposite side of the earth, some poor bastards are only getting about three hours of darkness.



9:1 I saw the LORD standing upon the altar: and he said, Smite the lintel of the door, that the posts may shake: and cut them in the head, all of them; and I will slay the last of them with the sword: he that fleeth of them shall not flee away, and he that escapeth of them shall not be delivered.

9:3 And though they hide themselves in the top of Carmel, I will search and take them out thence; and though they be hid from my sight in the bottom of the sea, thence will I command the serpent, and he shall bite them:


-Amos sees God (in human form?) standing on an altar?? The Lord says that any that try to run from the Lord's sword will be put down. Even if they hide at the bottom of the sea, the Lord will use his telepathy and command serpents to attack.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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20-06-2011, 08:09 PM (This post was last modified: 20-06-2011 08:39 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: obadiah.gif]



[Image: obadiahholla1.gif]

[Image: obadiahholla2.gif]



Pretty much sums it up. A single chapter long, Obadiah is essentially worthless. It's a condemnation of the city of Edom... the end.
[Image: jonah.jpg]



1:1 Now the word of the LORD came unto Jonah the son of Amittai, saying,

1:2 Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me.


-God tells someone to drop what they're doing and go be the voice of vengeance towards some random "wicked" civilization (sound familiar?).



1:3 But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD.

1:4 But the LORD sent out a great wind into the sea, and there was a mighty tempest in the sea, so that the ship was like to be broken.


-But apparently Jonah had heard of what happened to all the other "prophets" of the Lord, because he took off running like a sane person. God was having none of that. He sent a tempest to drown Jonah.



1:15 So they look up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging.

1:17 Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.


-Which of course is absolutely possible, since the giant fish was under telepathic orders from God not to digest him.



[Image: jonah-in-the-stomach.jpg]



Jonah prays to God from inside the fish saying "Ok, you got me. Let me out of here and I will praise your name and do what you ask."

2:10 And the LORD spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.


-God said to the fish, "Grrrrggggllllgrrllgrel" which is of course Fish for "Let him go." I think it also means something in Murlock (Warcraft joke).



3:4 And Jonah began to enter into the city a day's journey, and he cried, and said, Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown.

-Jonah delivers God's message and the people of Nineveh put on "sackcloths" and repented.

3:10 And God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them; and he did it not.

-And God's like "oh nevermind, you've learned your lesson." Which... kind of makes the whole trip seem like a waste. I mean couldn't God have appeared to the people of Nineveh themselves since God (being omnipotent and all) knew that they would quickly repent?



4:1 But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.

4:2 And he prayed unto the LORD, and said, I pray thee, O LORD, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country?


-Jonah shares my confusion and goes off to sulk.

4:4 Then said the LORD, Doest thou well to be angry?

-God tells Jonah his attitude isn't very helpful.



So to "prove a point" God makes a gourd grow up over Jonah and provide shade for him, which removes Jonah's grief. The next day, God has worms eat the gourd, and Jonah passes out from the sun. Then God asks:

4:9 And God said to Jonah, Doest thou well to be angry for the gourd? And he said, I do well to be angry, even unto death.

4:10 Then said the LORD, Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not laboured, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night:

4:11 And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more then sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?


-God points out in an overly intricate and convoluted way that Jonah doesn't seem to care about the people God almost slaughtered, but cares about the demise of a gourd.



[Image: gourd.jpg]



This whole story was pointless

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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20-06-2011, 08:41 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Almost there Buddy! I eagerly await your read on the words of the one they called the Christ. Wink

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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20-06-2011, 09:24 PM (This post was last modified: 20-06-2011 09:54 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
THE BOOK OF

[Image: Micah_Title.gif]



AKA, something to read in between pasting quotes from Pasture on your facebook so your friends can join you in laughing at him



I'm going to compact these into more obvious structures, since all these books are the same thing.


PERSON GOD CONTACTED THIS TIME:

Micah


REASON FOR THE CONTACT:

Destruction and punishment (the usual)


List of ways God is going to destroy things:

1:3 For, behold, the LORD cometh forth out of his place, and will come down, and tread upon the high places of the earth.

1:4 And the mountains shall be molten under him, and the valleys shall be cleft, as wax before the fire, and as the waters that are poured down a steep place.

1:6 Therefore I will make Samaria as an heap of the field, and as plantings of a vineyard: and I will pour down the stones thereof into the valley, and I will discover the foundations thereof.

1:7 And all the graven images thereof shall be beaten to pieces, and all the hires thereof shall be burned with the fire, and all the idols thereof will I lay desolate: for she gathered it of the hire of an harlot, and they shall return to the hire of an harlot.

1:8 Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls.

3:12 Therefore shall Zion for your sake be plowed as a field, and Jerusalem shall become heaps, and the mountain of the house as the high places of the forest.

5:12 And I will cut off witchcrafts out of thine hand; and thou shalt have no more soothsayers:

5:15 And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such as they have not heard.

6:13 Therefore also will I make thee sick in smiting thee, in making thee desolate because of thy sins.

6:14 Thou shalt eat, but not be satisfied; and thy casting down shall be in the midst of thee; and thou shalt take hold, but shalt not deliver; and that which thou deliverest will I give up to the sword.

6:15 Thou shalt sow, but thou shalt not reap; thou shalt tread the olives, but thou shalt not anoint thee with oil; and sweet wine, but shalt not drink wine.



[Image: micah4-3.jpg]



2:1 Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil


-Woe to them that devise evil!

2:3 Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, against this family do I devise an evil

-Wait, what?



7:5 Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom.

-Damn friends, guides, and lovers... deceitful liars and whores is what they are.



[Image: top_33_bmp.jpg]




[Image: nineveh-book-of-nahum_t.jpg]



Ok, I haven't even looked yet. 1000 bucks says the Lord contacts a guy named Nahum because he wants to destroy things and wants Nahum to be his voice. Let's have a look.



1:1 The burden of Nineveh. The book of the vision of Nahum the Elkoshite.

1:2 God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; the LORD will take vengeance on his adversaries, and he reserveth wrath for his enemies.

1:3 The LORD is slow to anger, and great in power, and will not at all acquit the wicked: the LORD hath his way in the whirlwind and in the storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet.

1:4 He rebuketh the sea, and maketh it dry, and drieth up all the rivers: Bashan languisheth, and Carmel, and the flower of Lebanon languisheth.

1:5 The mountains quake at him, and the hills melt, and the earth is burned at his presence, yea, the world, and all that dwell therein.

1:6 Who can stand before his indignation? and who can abide in the fierceness of his anger? his fury is poured out like fire, and the rocks are thrown down by him.


-Alright? I guess I was kinda right? This time he seems angry at the earth itself. Those mountains and oceans have pissed him off and he will have vengeance.



2:3 The shield of his mighty men is made red, the valiant men are in scarlet: the chariots shall be with flaming torches in the day of his preparation, and the fir trees shall be terribly shaken.

2:4 The chariots shall rage in the streets, they shall justle one against another in the broad ways: they shall seem like torches, they shall run like the lightnings.


-I don't understand... what this book is saying. It's like a bad poet on Spoken Word night at the jazz club. Fir trees? Flaming chariots as fast as lightning?



2:8 But Nineveh is of old like a pool of water: yet they shall flee away. Stand, stand, shall they cry; but none shall look back.

2:10 She is empty, and void, and waste: and the heart melteth, and the knees smite together, and much pain is in all loins, and the faces of them all gather blackness.


-Alright. We've discovered the "wicked" city that will feel his wrath... and she'll make everybody's balls hurt.



3:3 The horseman lifteth up both the bright sword and the glittering spear: and there is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcases; and there is none end of their corpses; they stumble upon their corpses:

3:4 Because of the multitude of the whoredoms of the well favoured harlot, the mistress of witchcrafts, that selleth nations through her whoredoms, and families through her witchcrafts.

3:7 And it shall come to pass, that all they that look upon thee shall flee from thee, and say, Nineveh is laid waste: who will bemoan her? whence shall I seek comforters for thee?


-Blah blah blah. Another random city called a whore and laid to waste by the great merciful douchebag.


[Image: prophet_1.jpg]

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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20-06-2011, 11:26 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: habakkuk_2117_itunes_feed_image.jpg]



You know the deal. God says he'll destroy some city.

He so angry, He destroy you long time.




2:16 Thou art filled with shame for glory: drink thou also, and let thy foreskin be uncovered: the cup of the LORD's right hand shall be turned unto thee, and shameful spewing shall be on thy glory.

-Uncover my foreskin and spew my shame all over my glory? You got it, God. What's that? You'll cup me with your right hand? Thanks.



[Image: splooge_big.jpg]



No wonder they call this book Bukkake ...errr Habakkuk.



3:3 God came from Teman, and the Holy One from mount Paran. Selah. His glory covered the heavens, and the earth was full of his praise.

3:4 And his brightness was as the light; he had horns coming out of his hand: and there was the hiding of his power.

3:5 Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet.


-God had horns coming out of his hand, burning coals at his feet, and brought forth a pestilence. Now who does that sound like?


[Image: church+lady.jpg]



3:10 The mountains saw thee, and they trembled: the overflowing of the water passed by: the deep uttered his voice, and lifted up his hands on high.

3:11 The sun and moon stood still in their habitation: at the light of thine arrows they went, and at the shining of thy glittering spear.


-God frightens mountains and make the Sun... stand still... even though... the Sun already stands still.



That's all I got out of it. You know... for necessary, divine books directly from God to mankind... these all seem like filler material.
I could very easily have lived my life without ever knowing the contents of Habakkuk.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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21-06-2011, 06:19 PM (This post was last modified: 09-07-2011 10:05 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: ThroneSm.jpg]



I'll finish these bastards today and maybe start the NT (yippee!) by midnight.




1:1 The word of the LORD which came unto Zephaniah the son of Cushi...

-Step 1, contact random goat herder. Step 2?

1:2 I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD.

1:3 I will consume man and beast; I will consume the fowls of the heaven, and the fishes of the sea, and the stumbling blocks with the wicked: and I will cut off man from off the land, saith the LORD.


-WOW. He didn't even tap dance around for a few verses or introduce himself. Just, "Hey Zephaniah! I'm gonna fucking destroy EVERYTHING MUAHAHAHAHA!"



[Image: the-bible-demotivational-poster-1248399797.jpg]



1:7 Hold thy peace at the presence of the Lord GOD: for the day of the LORD is at hand: for the LORD hath prepared a sacrifice, he hath bid his guests.

1:8 And it shall come to pass in the day of the LORD's sacrifice, that I will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel.


-So the day of the Lord is at hand... but it shall come to pass? NOW IS THE TIME... for me to tell you about the future. And God doesn't like funny clothes.



1:14 The great day of the LORD is near, it is near, and hasteth greatly, even the voice of the day of the LORD: the mighty man shall cry there bitterly.

1:15 That day is a day of wrath, a day of trouble and distress, a day of wasteness and desolation, a day of darkness and gloominess, a day of clouds and thick darkness,


-So now the day is NEAR. The Lord seems to be getting off on just thinking about this approaching doom.



1:17 And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung.

-Fap fap fap.



God starts listing all the things he's going to destroy:

Gaza, Ashkelon, Ekron, the sea coast, Canaan, the Philistines, Moab, the children of Ammon, Ethiopians, Assyrians, and Nineveh.




3:8 Therefore wait ye upon me, saith the LORD, until the day that I rise up to the prey: for my determination is to gather the nations, that I may assemble the kingdoms, to pour upon them mine indignation, even all my fierce anger: for all the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy.

3:9 For then will I turn to the people a pure language, that they may all call upon the name of the LORD, to serve him with one consent.

3:12 I will also leave in the midst of thee an afflicted and poor people, and they shall trust in the name of the LORD.


-After the Lord destroys everything in a fit of rage, whoever survives will be awed and humbled and will surely worship this psychopath.



[Image: Haggai%20logo_5.jpg]



God demands that people build him a house on a mountaintop (why?) and they ignore him and repair their own houses. So God brought a drought upon their land until they listened.



2:8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts.

-God and his need for material possessions.



2:22 And I will overthrow the throne of kingdoms, and I will destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the heathen; and I will overthrow the chariots, and those that ride in them; and the horses and their riders shall come down, every one by the sword of his brother.

-Sigh. Look God, this is getting goddamned monotonous. You could've condensed these last 12 books into one sentence. "I'm about to bring the pain on all you motherfuckers." You can call it the Book of Ohnohedidnt.



[Image: ironclad-james-purefoy-1-8-10-kc.jpg]

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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21-06-2011, 09:36 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: zechariah.gif]



God wakes up Zechariah with an air horn (I'm assuming, he is a dick after all) and says:

1:2 The LORD hath been sore displeased with your fathers.

1:3 Therefore say thou unto them, Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Turn ye unto me, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will turn unto you, saith the LORD of hosts.


-Well. Much calmer approach this time. Simply tell them this. God must have taken his Valium.



1:8 I saw by night, and behold a man riding upon a red horse, and he stood among the myrtle trees that were in the bottom; and behind him were there red horses, speckled, and white.

-Zech sees a bunch of strange colored horses, who then talk and tell an angel that they have traveled the earth and it is calm (sitteth still and at rest), who then relays that to God.



[Image: Horse-Angel-horse-angel-1280x960.jpg]



Next, 2 angels are hanging out talking to each other for some reason, and Zech sees a man "with a measuring line" who is trying to measure Jerusalem. So Zech says:

2:4 And said unto him, Run, speak to this young man, saying, Jerusalem shall be inhabited as towns without walls for the multitude of men and cattle therein:

2:5 For I, saith the LORD, will be unto her a wall of fire round about, and will be the glory in the midst of her.


-Get the hell out of here, buddy! God's gonna start setting things on fire!



3:1 And he shewed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right hand to resist him.

3:2 And the LORD said unto Satan, The LORD rebuke thee, O Satan; even the LORD that hath chosen Jerusalem rebuke thee: is not this a brand plucked out of the fire?


-Joshua, an angel, and Satan are hanging out. And God's like, "Get out of here Satan, you're cramping my style." Then they turn their noses up at Joshua's dirty clothes and give him clean ones... because dirt... is bad? I didn't know the Lord was such a snob.


This next part doesn't make too much sense. Decode it with me!



3:8 Hear now, O Joshua the high priest, thou, and thy fellows that sit before thee: for they are men wondered at: for, behold, I will bring forth my servant the BRANCH.

3:9 For behold the stone that I have laid before Joshua; upon one stone shall be seven eyes: behold, I will engrave the graving thereof, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will remove the iniquity of that land in one day.

3:10 In that day, saith the LORD of hosts, shall ye call every man his neighbour under the vine and under the fig tree.


-I bring forth my servant... the BRANCH? And this stone has seven eyes? I will engrave the graving? Everyone under the vine and fig trees is my neighbor?



4:1 And the angel that talked with me came again, and waked me, as a man that is wakened out of his sleep.

4:2 And said unto me, What seest thou? And I said, I have looked, and behold a candlestick all of gold, with a bowl upon the top of it, and his seven lamps thereon, and seven pipes to the seven lamps, which are upon the top thereof:

4:3 And two olive trees by it, one upon the right side of the bowl, and the other upon the left side thereof.


-Stop waking me up! What do you want? You wanted to show me a candlestick with a bowl on it with seven lamps on the bowl and also seven pipes and two trees? Yes that's a very impressive balancing trick, can I go back to sleep?



4:4 So I answered and spake to the angel that talked with me, saying, What are these, my lord?

4:5 Then the angel that talked with me answered and said unto me, Knowest thou not what these be? And I said, No, my lord.

4:6 Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the LORD unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the LORD of hosts.


-What are these supposed to be? This is the word of the Lord? You show me a bunch of pipes and lanterns on a bowl on a candlestick and expect me to understand? Why not just tell me?



4:11 Then answered I, and said unto him, What are these two olive trees upon the right side of the candlestick and upon the left side thereof?

4:12 And I answered again, and said unto him, What be these two olive branches which through the two golden pipes empty the golden oil out of themselves?

4:13 And he answered me and said, Knowest thou not what these be? And I said, No, my lord.

4:14 Then said he, These are the two anointed ones, that stand by the LORD of the whole earth.


-Stop messing with me angel, I already told you I didn't get it, so answer me already. "These are the two anointed ones?" What the hell does that mean?



5:7 And, behold, there was lifted up a talent of lead: and this is a woman that sitteth in the midst of the ephah.

5:8 And he said, This is wickedness. And he cast it into the midst of the ephah; and he cast the weight of lead upon the mouth thereof.

5:9 Then lifted I up mine eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came out two women, and the wind was in their wings; for they had wings like the wings of a stork: and they lifted up the ephah between the earth and the heaven.

5:10 Then said I to the angel that talked with me, Whither do these bear the ephah?

5:11 And he said unto me, To build it an house in the land of Shinar: and it shall be established, and set there upon her own base.


-A woman is the personification of evil. And two women with stork-like wings fly off to build a home base with an ephah... which google tells me is a unit of measurement. No, not confusing at all. Thanks for the easy-to-read moral lesson, Bible!



6:1 And I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came four chariots out from between two mountains; and the mountains were mountains of brass.

6:2 In the first chariot were red horses; and in the second chariot black horses;

6:3 And in the third chariot white horses; and in the fourth chariot grisled and bay horses.

6:4 Then I answered and said unto the angel that talked with me, What are these, my lord?

6:5 And the angel answered and said unto me, These are the four spirits of the heavens, which go forth from standing before the LORD of all the earth.

6:6 The black horses which are therein go forth into the north country; and the white go forth after them; and the grisled go forth toward the south country.


-Zechariah (really tripping balls on LSD at this point) sees the multi-colored horses again with chariots, who are apparently spirits of the heavens who travel the world...



[Image: Zechariah-Prophecy-of-Four-Horses.jpg]



6:12 And speak unto him, saying, Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, saying, Behold the man whose name is The BRANCH; and he shall grow up out of his place, and he shall build the temple of the LORD:

6:13 Even he shall build the temple of the LORD; and he shall bear the glory, and shall sit and rule upon his throne; and he shall be a priest upon his throne: and the counsel of peace shall be between them both.


-God's main man The BRANCH (so it's a man and not an actual branch) shows up and God says he'll eventually rule the temple... that he is to build. I would think that if you built a temple by yourself, it's already assumed that you should be the one to rule it.



7:9 Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, saying, Execute true judgment, and shew mercy and compassions every man to his brother:

7:10 And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.


-Sayeth the man who mercilessly kills millions of widows, orphans, strangers, poor people, and brothers. It's nice to jam in a random moral teaching once every 10 books.



10:3 Mine anger was kindled against the shepherds, and I punished the goats: for the LORD of hosts hath visited his flock the house of Judah, and hath made them as his goodly horse in the battle.

-Let's say that first part is a metaphor. So God was mad at his prophets or his religious leaders... so he punished his followers? What kind of bullshit discipline system are you running God? And why does God spend SO much time punishing his own followers rather than focusing on all the non-believers, like say... every civilization to the east?



God alternates between threatening to destroy his people and praising how great they will soon be. Then he names 2 sticks "Beauty" and "Bands."

11:10 And I took my staff, even Beauty, and cut it asunder, that I might break my covenant which I had made with all the people.

11:14 Then I cut asunder mine other staff, even Bands, that I might break the brotherhood between Judah and Israel.


-Doesn't that say right there that God broke his covenant with his people? So what the hell are we doing here? God has forsaken everyone and we should stop cutting the foreskins off our babies.



12:9 And it shall come to pass in that day, that I will seek to destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem.

-Lots and lots of nations have come against Jerusalem and won. The city has switched hands so many times that I, too would angrily accuse it of being a whore... if I were a crazy person.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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21-06-2011, 10:42 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: page86-malachi.png]



The LAST Old Testament Book MOFOS! Are you as excited as I am??? Feel my nipples!




The Edomites start off by asking God why he hates them and when will he stop hating them, to which God replies, "Everything you build, I will tear it down, because you constantly offer me blind and sickly animal sacrifices."

2:1 And now, O ye priests, this commandment is for you.

2:2 If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart.

2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.


-Start worshiping me better or I will make you impotent and smear shit on your face.



3:8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

3:9 Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.

3:10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.


-God loves that money. It's a good thing we created currency out of arbitrary metals or else we would have nothing to appease God. Doesn't that sound strange that the author of this book wants you to bring all your money to a storehouse in exchange for blessings?



[Image: god.money.jpg]



4:4 Remember ye the law of Moses my servant, which I commanded unto him in Horeb for all Israel, with the statutes and judgments.

-2nd verse from the end. Must be pretty important. Yet "the Old Testament laws don't apply anymore" sayeth the illiterate Christians.



And the very last piece of departing knowledge from the loving God?

4:6 And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.


-Ah, a threat and a curse. That's the deity we've all come to know.


I'll do a quick recap and then walk hand in hand with Jesus on a sandy beach

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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21-06-2011, 10:49 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Odd that you didn't comment on Zechariah 13:3

And it shall come to pass, that when any shall yet prophesy, then his father and his mother that begat him shall say unto him, Thou shalt not live; for thou speakest lies in the name of the LORD: and his father and his mother that begat him shall thrust him through when he prophesieth.

Take that, Harold Camping.

The God excuse: the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument. "God did it." Anything we can't describe must have come from God. - George Carlin

Whenever I'm asked "What if you're wrong?", I always show the asker this video: http://youtu.be/iClejS8vWjo Screw Pascal's wager.
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