An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
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10-07-2011, 10:19 AM
 
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
LOL! Nice post, very funny!!
Speaking of Genesis you should check out this short cartoon my friends made:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtz-avIaL...re=related

If you like it they have another episode too Smile
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11-07-2011, 09:10 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
The last of the gospels... And I like how the evidence that Parture wanted us to accept as proof of Christianity was so inconsistent within the four(not 12 or 11) accounts we have...

I don't believe Jesus is the son of God until I see the long form birth certificate!
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13-07-2011, 02:10 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
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The Acts or History of the Apostles


-Yeah this post is incredibly long like the other ones. Suck it-


1:1 The former treatise have I made, O Theophilus, of all that Jesus began both to do and teach,

1:2 Until the day in which he was taken up, after that he through the Holy Ghost had given commandments unto the apostles whom he had chosen:

1:3 To whom also he shewed himself alive after his passion by many infallible proofs, being seen of them forty days, and speaking of the things pertaining to the kingdom of God:


-Infallible proofs? Half the disciples doubted that it was Jesus. An unrecognizable man with wounds on his hands is hardly infallible proof. And someone "speaking of the things pertaining to the kingdom of God" proves nothing. I could go outside right now and stand on a park bench and start describing the divine cars we will drive in heaven and that doesn't suggest that I know what I'm talking about. The proofs themselves should provide their own "infallible" status, not someone who wants them to be so describing them as such.



1:10 And while they looked stedfastly toward heaven as he went up, behold, two men stood by them in white apparel;

1:11 Which also said, Ye men of Galilee, why stand ye gazing up into heaven? this same Jesus, which is taken up from you into heaven, shall so come in like manner as ye have seen him go into heaven.


-Completely new recounting of Jesus ascension that isn't found in the other gospels. Two dudes dressed in white claim that Jesus shall return in the same celestial teleportation manner.



The disciples along with 100 or so people gather in a house on Mount Olivet to form the first Christian ministry and start off the meeting by describing the demise of Judas Iscariot:

1:18 Now this man purchased a field with the reward of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out.


-Even though in Matthew, it claims that he gave his money to priests and hung himself.



Then to fill the missing apostle spot, they gamble.

1:24 And they prayed, and said, Thou, Lord, which knowest the hearts of all men, shew whether of these two thou hast chosen,

1:25 That he may take part of this ministry and apostleship, from which Judas by transgression fell, that he might go to his own place.

1:26 And they gave forth their lots; and the lot fell upon Matthias; and he was numbered with the eleven apostles.


-It seems that Einstein was wrong, God apparently DOES play with dice.



2:2 And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting.

2:3 And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them.

2:4 And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.


-It gets windy and everyone has flaming tongues on their heads... and they are filled with the power of the Babel Fish, and everyone can understand everyone. They were amazed and grateful for this because there were people from dozens of kingdoms there... which makes you wonder what they hoped to accomplish by being there in the first place. If a gathering of Italians took place near me, I wouldn't bother going because I wouldn't understand a single word of the meeting.



2:13 Others mocking said, These men are full of new wine.

-Though some people thought "speaking in tongues" sounded like drunken babble.



2:17 And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams:

2:18 And on my servants and on my handmaidens I will pour out in those days of my Spirit; and they shall prophesy:

2:19 And I will shew wonders in heaven above, and signs in the earth beneath; blood, and fire, and vapour of smoke:

2:20 The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and notable day of the Lord come:


-Peter hears them mocking as expected and uses this as his cue to begin his sales pitch. He jumps up on a table and begins telling everyone present to repent, because there are the last days.



2:31 He seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption.

-Apparently Jesus got lost on his way to heaven and ended up in hell.



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2:36 Therefore let all the house of Israel know assuredly, that God hath made the same Jesus, whom ye have crucified, both Lord and Christ.

2:37 Now when they heard this, they were pricked in their heart, and said unto Peter and to the rest of the apostles, Men and brethren, what shall we do?

2:38 Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.


-Thus begins the Christian practice of making the innocent feel guilty, and then claiming to have a remedy for that guilt; just repent and be baptized.



2:41 Then they that gladly received his word were baptized: and the same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls.

-The 120 that were present at the start of the meeting is suddenly 3000.



2:44 And all that believed were together, and had all things common;

2:45 And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need.


-The first Christians were the first communists.



3:6 Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk.

3:7 And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength.


-The disciples continue doing the miracles that Jesus was praised for. All Peter has to do is claim that HE is the son of God and a sect called Peterians will be developed.



4:13 Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marvelled; and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus.

-So Peter and John were unlearned and ignorant men... awesome. The main supporters of Christianity were considered dumbasses by those around them. But since they were so bold and assertive in their claims, they MUST have been with Jesus.



5:1 But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession,

5:2 And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet.

5:3 But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land?

5:4 Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God.

5:5 And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things.

5:6 And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him.

5:7 And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in.

5:8 And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much.

5:9 Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out.

5:10 Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband.


-The first people to deny the communist way of life were killed by God.



5:12 And by the hands of the apostles were many signs and wonders wrought among the people; (and they were all with one accord in Solomon's porch.

5:15 Insomuch that they brought forth the sick into the streets, and laid them on beds and couches, that at the least the shadow of Peter passing by might overshadow some of them.

5:16 There came also a multitude out of the cities round about unto Jerusalem, bringing sick folks, and them which were vexed with unclean spirits: and they were healed every one.


-The apostles can do the exact same thing as Jesus. Peter is so powerful that his shadow can heal people. Throughout the Bible, there have been people that have done the same miracles as Christ. And people will argue "well the apostles can only do miracles because of God" ...well that's the exact thing that Jesus claimed. That God was working through him. So the only difference between Jesus and all these other miracle workers is that Jesus was able to self-resurrect. But the resurrection story is completely different in all the gospels, so Christians are basing their entire lives on a contradicting, jumbled story?



5:17 Then the high priest rose up, and all they that were with him, (which is the sect of the Sadducees,) and were filled with indignation,

5:18 And laid their hands on the apostles, and put them in the common prison.

5:19 But the angel of the Lord by night opened the prison doors, and brought them forth, and said,


-Angels carry out a prison break.


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The guards notice that the apostles were gone, went out and captured them again, and brought them before a counsel:

5:40 And to him they agreed: and when they had called the apostles, and beaten them, they commanded that they should not speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go.

5:41 And they departed from the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name.


-The apostles are glad for the beating, since it was for the good of the Lord.



6:7 And the word of God increased; and the number of the disciples multiplied in Jerusalem greatly; and a great company of the priests were obedient to the faith.

6:8 And Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people.


-The spread of cancer begins. Oh, and a guy named Stephen does magic tricks.



Stephen tells a long ass boring story, then concludes that Jews are evil.

7:54 When they heard these things, they were cut to the heart, and they gnashed on him with their teeth.


-Cause that's what Jews do when confronted with the divine truth, they gnash their teeth, probably while cutting themselves and screeching like demons.



7:55 But he, being full of the Holy Ghost, looked up stedfastly into heaven, and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing on the right hand of God,

7:56 And said, Behold, I see the heavens opened, and the Son of man standing on the right hand of God.

7:57 Then they cried out with a loud voice, and stopped their ears, and ran upon him with one accord,

7:58 And cast him out of the city, and stoned him: and the witnesses laid down their clothes at a young man's feet, whose name was Saul.

7:59 And they stoned Stephen, calling upon God, and saying, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.

7:60 And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep.


-Stephen goes, "Look I can see God and Jesus! Why can't you guys see him?" so he gets stoned, but not before he takes a Righteous Nap.



Philip went into Samaria and cast out unclean spirits and healed the lame.

8:9 But there was a certain man, called Simon, which beforetime in the same city used sorcery, and bewitched the people of Samaria, giving out that himself was some great one:

8:10 To whom they all gave heed, from the least to the greatest, saying, This man is the great power of God.

8:11 And to him they had regard, because that of long time he had bewitched them with sorceries.


-Just fantastic. A man named Simon had already "bewitched the people of Samaria" with his constant sorcery and likewise claiming that he was a great prophet. He rolls with the apostle crew for a while, but gets kicked out for offering to pay gold to receive the power to fill people with the Holy Ghost.



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Saul, the front runner on Christian persecution, is on his way to Damascus with his posse to do evil things to Christians, when he hears the voice of Jesus from the heavens. They converse and Jesus is like, "What's your deal, dude?" And Saul goes, "Oh, you DO exist. My bad." So Jesus makes Saul blind for three days for some reason and sends him into the city to meet up with this guy named Ananius. Ananius also talk to Jesus and complains that Saul is a dick so why is he now the chosen voice of God? Jesus is like:

9:15 But the Lord said unto him, Go thy way: for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles, and kings, and the children of Israel:

9:16 For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake.


-I'm making him do my work so I can fuck with him. Then Ananius walks into the room where Saul was and heals his blindness.



9:22 But Saul increased the more in strength, and confounded the Jews which dwelt at Damascus, proving that this is very Christ.

9:23 And after that many days were fulfilled, the Jews took counsel to kill him:


-The evil Jews decide to kill Saul for his change of heart... probably while gnashing their Jew teeth.



9:40 But Peter put them all forth, and kneeled down, and prayed; and turning him to the body said, Tabitha, arise. And she opened her eyes: and when she saw Peter, she sat up.

-Peter raises Tabitha from the dead. So simple they should sell Resurrection for Dummies books.



10:9 On the morrow, as they went on their journey, and drew nigh unto the city, Peter went up upon the housetop to pray about the sixth hour:

10:10 And he became very hungry, and would have eaten: but while they made ready, he fell into a trance,

10:11 And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending upon him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth:

10:12 Wherein were all manner of fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air.

10:13 And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat.

10:14 But Peter said, Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean.

10:15 And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.

10:16 This was done thrice: and the vessel was received up again into heaven.

10:17 Now while Peter doubted in himself what this vision which he had seen should mean, behold, the men which were sent from Cornelius had made enquiry for Simon's house, and stood before the gate,


-Peter is starving and has a vision where God offers him a blanket full of animals and says "kill and eat." Peter is confused and turns God down.



10:39 And we are witnesses of all things which he did both in the land of the Jews, and in Jerusalem; whom they slew and hanged on a tree:

-The Book of Acts so far is just Peter and his crew going around preaching and converting, while at the same time blaming the Jews over and over for the death of Jesus.



12:1 Now about that time Herod the king stretched forth his hands to vex certain of the church.

12:2 And he killed James the brother of John with the sword.

12:3 And because he saw it pleased the Jews, he proceeded further to take Peter also. (Then were the days of unleavened bread.)


-Herod kills James and imprisons Peter because it made the Jews happy. Damn Jews.



12:7 And, behold, the angel of the Lord came upon him, and a light shined in the prison: and he smote Peter on the side, and raised him up, saying, Arise up quickly. And his chains fell off from his hands.

12:8 And the angel said unto him, Gird thyself, and bind on thy sandals. And so he did. And he saith unto him, Cast thy garment about thee, and follow me.

12:9 And he went out, and followed him; and wist not that it was true which was done by the angel; but thought he saw a vision.

12:10 When they were past the first and the second ward, they came unto the iron gate that leadeth unto the city; which opened to them of his own accord: and they went out, and passed on through one street; and forthwith the angel departed from him.


-An angel sneaks into prison, kicks Peter in the side and whispers, "Get your clothes on and follow me." Then they sneak out of prison, without much explanation as to how Peter got out of the cell while there were multiple guards standing there.



12:12 And when he had considered the thing, he came to the house of Mary the mother of John, whose surname was Mark; where many were gathered together praying.

-ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THE MARY'S? You get the feeling that the authors of the Bible were such misogynists that women were just unimportant objects. Whatever, call her Mary. Yeah call that one Mary too. I don't care, just call them all Mary.



12:20 And Herod was highly displeased with them of Tyre and Sidon:

-Ezekiel (26:14, 21; 27:36) prophesied that Tyre would be completely destroyed by Nebuchadrezzar, never to be built again. Yet it wasn't destroyed, as is evident from this verse. (SAB)



12:21 And upon a set day Herod, arrayed in royal apparel, sat upon his throne, and made an oration unto them.

12:22 And the people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man.

12:23 And immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost.


-People in the Bronze Age apparently assume that any loud voice is the voice of a god (would explain a lot of the "messages from God" parts). The Lord gets jealous that Herod is being praised and not sharing any of the glory, so he immediately kills him.

-I looked up Herod's death since he was an actual person and there would be records if such an event took place. First, Herod died in 4 BCE, long before the events of Acts and before Jesus was even born. Second, it was believed that Herod died of a combination of chronic kidney disease and scabies... and the only person to disagree with the time of death and cause of death is of course Josephus, the Divine Historian. But Josephus also described the death as "Herod's Evil" and wasn't born until 37 AD... which means he wasn't of "thinking age" until about 60 AD (given the generous assumption that he began his work as a historian at 23)... so how he drew his conclusions of a man who died 64 years beforehand is beyond me.



Paul is preaching the events of the gospels to some Gentiles while the Jews are in synagogue.

13:42 And when the Jews were gone out of the synagogue, the Gentiles besought that these words might be preached to them the next sabbath.

13:44 And the next sabbath day came almost the whole city together to hear the word of God.

13:45 But when the Jews saw the multitudes, they were filled with envy, and spake against those things which were spoken by Paul, contradicting and blaspheming.

13:46 Then Paul and Barnabas waxed bold, and said, It was necessary that the word of God should first have been spoken to you: but seeing ye put it from you, and judge yourselves unworthy of everlasting life, lo, we turn to the Gentiles.

13:50 But the Jews stirred up the devout and honourable women, and the chief men of the city, and raised persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them out of their coasts.


-The Jews were so jealous of the size of the crowd that came to hear Paul, they lashed out and threw Paul and Barnabas out of the city. How can the Jews be praised and chosen by God in the OT, then despised and blamed for the death of Jesus in the NT? What ever happened to "love thy neighbor" or "turn the other cheek?" The disciples are hellbent on painting the Jews as jealous murderers.



Meanwhile, in the next city:

14:2 But the unbelieving Jews stirred up the Gentiles, and made their minds evil affected against the brethren.

14:5 And when there was an assault made both of the Gentiles, and also of the Jews with their rulers, to use them despitefully, and to stone them,


-To convince someone of anything other than what the apostles are saying is to "make their minds evil." And of course, they get chased out of the city by death threats.



14:8 And there sat a certain man at Lystra, impotent in his feet, being a cripple from his mother's womb, who never had walked:

14:9 The same heard Paul speak: who stedfastly beholding him, and perceiving that he had faith to be healed,

14:10 Said with a loud voice, Stand upright on thy feet. And he leaped and walked.


-I hope God isn't recruiting for God's army. Cause he'll just have a bunch of ex-cripples, atrophied limbs learning to work, and people who are just now using their eyes.



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14:11 And when the people saw what Paul had done, they lifted up their voices, saying in the speech of Lycaonia, The gods are come down to us in the likeness of men.

14:12 And they called Barnabas, Jupiter; and Paul, Mercurius, because he was the chief speaker.

14:13 Then the priest of Jupiter, which was before their city, brought oxen and garlands unto the gates, and would have done sacrifice with the people.


-Take great care to notice... the people back then were VERY gullible and eager to claim that any and all things were the work of whatever gods they happen to believe in. In this case it was the gods Jupiter and Mercurius.



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14:19 And there came thither certain Jews from Antioch and Iconium, who persuaded the people, and having stoned Paul, drew him out of the city, supposing he had been dead.

14:20 Howbeit, as the disciples stood round about him, he rose up, and came into the city: and the next day he departed with Barnabas to Derbe.


-Them damn Jews demons convinced the same people who a few verses ago thought Paul was a god... to stone him and throw his body outside the city. He gets up and they move on to the next city that will most likely try to kill them.



The disciples, Paul, and Barnabas gather to discuss whether or not people still need to get circumcised to get into heaven. Peter stands and says, "The Lord trusts us and knows what is in our hearts so what we decide must be Lord-approved."

15:10 Now therefore why tempt ye God, to put a yoke upon the neck of the disciples, which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear?

15:11 But we believe that through the grace of the LORD Jesus Christ we shall be saved, even as they.


-Peter's way of saying that circumcision is an inconvenience that no one should bear and that if we trust in Jesus, it will make up for not being circumcised.



15:24 Forasmuch as we have heard, that certain which went out from us have troubled you with words, subverting your souls, saying, Ye must be circumcised, and keep the law: to whom we gave no such commandment:

-The apostles decide, on a hunch that God approves since he's not interjecting, that circumcision is unnecessary and the OT laws don't have to be followed. Sounds a lot like the behavior of the modern Christians; change the doctrines to better suit your wants.



15:28 For it seemed good to the Holy Ghost, and to us, to lay upon you no greater burden than these necessary things;

15:29 That ye abstain from meats offered to idols, and from blood, and from things strangled, and from fornication: from which if ye keep yourselves, ye shall do well. Fare ye well.


-Attention people, we have conferred with the Holy Ghost and we come to the following agreement. The only important laws that you should follow are:

1. Don't offer animal sacrifices to false gods
2. Abstain from blood (this is why JW's can't accept blood transfusions)
3. Abstain from "things strangled" ??? Uh, some clarification on that please? Don't choke things? Or don't eat animals that have been suffocated to death?
4. Abstain from fornication... ummmm, why? You don't have to cut part of your dick off anymore, but now you aren't allowed to use your dick at all.

Good day and take care.



15:36 And some days after Paul said unto Barnabas, Let us go again and visit our brethren in every city where we have preached the word of the LORD, and see how they do.

15:37 And Barnabas determined to take with them John, whose surname was Mark.

15:38 But Paul thought not good to take him with them, who departed from them from Pamphylia, and went not with them to the work.

15:39 And the contention was so sharp between them, that they departed asunder one from the other: and so Barnabas took Mark, and sailed unto Cyprus;

15:40 And Paul chose Silas, and departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God.

15:41 And he went through Syria and Cilicia, confirming the churches.


-Paul and Barnabas decide to travel throughout the land and see if people are actually listening to them and doing as commanded, but Paul doesn't like Barnabas' friend choices so they split up. Contention within the ranks already?



16:5 And so were the churches established in the faith, and increased in number daily.

16:6 Now when they had gone throughout Phrygia and the region of Galatia, and were forbidden of the Holy Ghost to preach the word in Asia,


-God hates Asians.



16:14 And a certain woman named Lydia, a seller of purple, of the city of Thyatira...

-Finally, a woman not named Mary... and she sells... purple.



16:16 And it came to pass, as we went to prayer, a certain damsel possessed with a spirit of divination met us, which brought her masters much gain by soothsaying:

16:18 And this did she many days. But Paul, being grieved, turned and said to the spirit, I command thee in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her. And he came out the same hour.


Divination: The practice of foretelling future events through supernatural means.
Soothsaying: Telling prophecies.

-Paul runs into a woman who claims to foresee future events through prophecy via supernatural sources, aka the EXACT same thing Paul and his gang do... and he's convinced she is possessed by a spirit who must be cast out. Gotta eliminate the competition, I guess.



As is the norm when a psycho cult comes to town, Paul and crew are beaten and thrown into prison. And again, God doesn't care about human laws.

16:26 And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's bands were loosed.


-He lets EVERYONE out of prison. Thanks, God.



16:27 And the keeper of the prison awaking out of his sleep, and seeing the prison doors open, he drew out his sword, and would have killed himself, supposing that the prisoners had been fled.

16:28 But Paul cried with a loud voice, saying, Do thyself no harm: for we are all here.

16:29 Then he called for a light, and sprang in, and came trembling, and fell down before Paul and Silas,

16:30 And brought them out, and said, Sirs, what must I do to be saved?

16:31 And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.

16:32 And they spake unto him the word of the Lord, and to all that were in his house.

16:33 And he took them the same hour of the night, and washed their stripes; and was baptized, he and all his, straightway.

16:34 And when he had brought them into his house, he set meat before them, and rejoiced, believing in God with all his house.


-The jailor goes, "Might as well kill myself" and Paul goes, "Wait! You can be saved by Jesus Christ as well as your whole family (so as long as my parents are saved, I'm good to go? Great!)." So the jailor is now their best buddy and has dinner with them. Yeah. Sounds totally believable.



17:5 But the Jews which believed not, moved with envy...

17:13 But when the Jews of Thessalonica had knowledge that the word of God was preached of Paul at Berea, they came thither also, and stirred up the people.


-I can't figure out why the Jews are so angry at the disciples all the time...

17:10 And the brethren immediately sent away Paul and Silas by night unto Berea: who coming thither went into the synagogue of the Jews.

-Oh that's right. Perhaps it's because the disciples use Jewish synagogues as their favorite place to preach a non-Jewish religion.



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17:16 Now while Paul waited for them at Athens, his spirit was stirred in him, when he saw the city wholly given to idolatry.

17:17 Therefore disputed he in the synagogue with the Jews, and with the devout persons, and in the market daily with them that met with him.

17:18 Then certain philosophers of the Epicureans, and of the Stoicks, encountered him. And some said, What will this babbler say? other some, He seemeth to be a setter forth of strange gods: because he preached unto them Jesus, and the resurrection.


-Paul is hanging out in Athens and gets restless and spirit stir crazy (picture Kirk Cameron on a coke binge) and starts confronting all the Jews in their synagogues and in the market place. The philosophers say, "Who is this person babbling about strange gods?"



Paul is preaching to the Athenians and mocking them for believing in their crazy gods while failing to see the irony of such a mockery. The Athenians don't receive him too well:

17:32 And when they heard of the resurrection of the dead, some mocked: and others said, We will hear thee again of this matter.




18:4 And he reasoned in the synagogue every sabbath, and persuaded the Jews and the Greeks.

18:5 And when Silas and Timotheus were come from Macedonia, Paul was pressed in the spirit, and testified to the Jews that Jesus was Christ.

18:6 And when they opposed themselves, and blasphemed, he shook his raiment, and said unto them, Your blood be upon your own heads; I am clean; from henceforth I will go unto the Gentiles.


-Paul leaves Athens and goes to Corinth, where he spends EVERY sabbath in the Jewish synagogues preaching blasphemy and threatening violence. What a swell guy, I don't understand why he wasn't greeted warmly wherever he went.



Some people are impressed by Paul's constant miracles and exorcisms so they go, "hey we'll give it a try" and the demon goes, "I know Jesus, and I know Paul, but who are you?" Then the demon possessed person attacks the would be exorcists and they run away.

-Apparently Satan hands out rosters to his demons of the best known prophets because they all know the workers of Christ on a first name basis.



19:19 Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver.

-The first Book Burning for Christ party is held, and many books of "curious arts" are burned. You gotta wonder if biology, chemistry, or astronomy would be considered "curious arts" back then.



20:7 And upon the first day of the week, when the disciples came together to break bread, Paul preached unto them, ready to depart on the morrow; and continued his speech until midnight.

20:8 And there were many lights in the upper chamber, where they were gathered together.

20:9 And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep: and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead.

20:10 And Paul went down, and fell on him, and embracing him said, Trouble not yourselves; for his life is in him.


-Paul's sermon was so long and boring that a guy fell asleep and fell out his window. When they came to claim the body, Paul jumps on top of him and hugs him tight, claiming "he's still alive!"



20:27 For I have not shunned to declare unto you all the counsel of God.

20:28 Take heed therefore unto yourselves, and to all the flock, over the which the Holy Ghost hath made you overseers, to feed the church of God, which he hath purchased with his own blood.

20:29 For I know this, that after my departing shall grievous wolves enter in among you, not sparing the flock.

20:30 Also of your own selves shall men arise, speaking perverse things, to draw away disciples after them.

20:31 Therefore watch, and remember, that by the space of three years I ceased not to warn every one night and day with tears.


-In that wonderful Christian self-righteous tone, Paul tells the people of some random city that he tried his best to teach them about God, and that after he leaves it's totally their fault if they F it up. Plus I always find it amusing when prophets warn people not to listen to other prophets; that somehow THEIR mental link to the supernatural deities is the only true one and you should just take their word for it.



The Jews try to kill Paul again but he convinces them to let him speak for a second by apparently claiming to be a Jew:

21:39 But Paul said, I am a man which am a Jew of Tarsus, a city in Cilicia, a citizen of no mean city: and, I beseech thee, suffer me to speak unto the people.




After hearing Paul basically recount the acts of Acts and claim that he is a messenger from Jesus:

22:22 And they gave him audience unto this word, and then lifted up their voices, and said, Away with such a fellow from the earth: for it is not fit that he should live.

22:23 And as they cried out, and cast off their clothes, and threw dust into the air,


-Yup, they get naked, throw dust in the air, and try to kill him.



Later before the centurions can punish him, he claims to be innocent and a Roman so gather the council. And after Paul sees that the council is half Pharisee and half Sadducee, he claims to be of Pharisee descent. And also manages to threaten everyone with condemnation.

23:1 And Paul, earnestly beholding the council, said, Men and brethren, I have lived in all good conscience before God until this day.

23:2 And the high priest Ananias commanded them that stood by him to smite him on the mouth.

23:3 Then said Paul unto him, God shall smite thee, thou whited wall: for sittest thou to judge me after the law, and commandest me to be smitten contrary to the law?




23:11 And the night following the Lord stood by him, and said, Be of good cheer, Paul: for as thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem, so must thou bear witness also at Rome.

-Jesus hangs out with Paul in jail, reassuring him. Which makes me wonder again, how does the author know what Jesus said to Paul in a prison cell? It's just Jesus and Paul by themselves. During the "divine inspiration" that occurred when people were writing the Bible, did Jesus make sure to include that part? "Make sure you write about when I showed up in jail and comforted Paul. Yeah, that will make me look awesome."



[Image: jesus_prison.gif]



The Jews conspire to kill Paul so they have him moved to another prison.



24:12 And they neither found me in the temple disputing with any man, neither raising up the people, neither in the synagogues, nor in the city:

24:13 Neither can they prove the things whereof they now accuse me.

24:14 But this I confess unto thee, that after the way which they call heresy, so worship I the God of my fathers, believing all things which are written in the law and in the prophets:


-At his new prison, Paul starts pouring on the lies. "I never set foot in their temples nor did I try to preach to anyone. And also, I'm a Jew."



25:7 And when he was come, the Jews which came down from Jerusalem stood round about, and laid many and grievous complaints against Paul, which they could not prove.

-Surrounded again by evil, baby killing Jews, Paul asks to be judged by Caesar. So they take him to king Agrippa, who hears his story and completely believes him. The king claims that he would give him freedom if only he hadn't appealed to Caesar. So they load Paul on a boat to presumably take to Caesar, but at this point in Acts (chap. 27), the author begins narrating as if he were on the ship as well.

27:1 And when it was determined that we should sail into Italy, they delivered Paul and certain other prisoners unto one named Julius, a centurion of Augustus' band.

27:2 And entering into a ship of Adramyttium, we launched, meaning to sail by the coasts of Asia; one Aristarchus, a Macedonian of Thessalonica, being with us.

27:3 And the next day we touched at Sidon. And Julius courteously entreated Paul, and gave him liberty to go unto his friends to refresh himself.


-Nearly every verse of this chapter has "we" in it.



The boat hits some bad weather and Paul assures them that everything will be alright because an angel spoke to him that night. They end up crashing on some rocks and swimming to shore.

28:3 And when Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks, and laid them on the fire, there came a viper out of the heat, and fastened on his hand.

28:4 And when the barbarians saw the venomous beast hang on his hand, they said among themselves, No doubt this man is a murderer, whom, though he hath escaped the sea, yet vengeance suffereth not to live.

28:5 And he shook off the beast into the fire, and felt no harm.

28:6 Howbeit they looked when he should have swollen, or fallen down dead suddenly: but after they had looked a great while, and saw no harm come to him, they changed their minds, and said that he was a god.


-Good LORD people back then are ready to attribute anything to god status, as long as they are baffled by it.

-(The snake story is especially interesting since there are no poisonous snakes on Malta, and there is no evidence of their existence in the past.) (SAB)



Paul finally gets his hearing in Rome and the Jews ask him to explain himself:

28:22 But we desire to hear of thee what thou thinkest: for as concerning this sect, we know that every where it is spoken against.


-Your little religious sect is hated by everyone. Paul ends up being put under house arrest for 2 years, and many people come to hear his words, "some believing and some not."



Moral of Acts? The Jews are spiteful creatures who only wish to kill the righteous.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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15-07-2011, 11:40 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: 4327924717_88abdd2722_o.jpg]



AKA The Epistle to the Romans
AKA Paul repeating everything he's been preaching but in writing this time



Dear Romans, did you have fun at the BBQ last weekend? Carol's potato salad was delish... no but seriously.

1:1 Paul, a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle, separated unto the gospel of God,

1:8 First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, that your faith is spoken of throughout the whole world.


-Paul introduces himself, claims to speak for Christ, and thanks everyone who believes. Very formal and business-like.

1:9 For God is my witness, whom I serve with my spirit in the gospel of his Son, that without ceasing I make mention of you always in my prayers;

-Alright, starting to get a little self-righteous here. Sort of a "I can show you poor souls the way because I am special" kind of vibe happening now



1:20 For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; that they are without excuse:

1:21 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

1:22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools.


-By not believing creationism with its obvious evidence, we are fools. We all KNOW that God exists, we just choose to make up alternate explanations because we have foolish hearts.



1:25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.

1:26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:

1:27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.


-While not spoken from Jesus himself, Jesus' leading spokesman at the time claims God hates gays and lesbians.



1:29 Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,

1:30 Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,

1:31 Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:

1:32 Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.


-Not sure if Paul is talking about gays or sinners in general... but I'm pretty sure some of those insults aren't bad things. Fornication, debate, whispering, proud, disobedient to parents (some parents don't deserve respect or obedience)... these things aren't insults. Oh, and all these proud debaters who have sex deserve to die.



You are all sinners and Jesus is the way and you will be judges by your deeds... unless you have faith... then your deeds don't really matter.

4:5 But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness.

Jesus died for you, through the death of an innocent man are the guilty able to be saved... blah blah blah.




[Image: 20110318182437!V%26A_-_Raphael,_St_Paul_...(1515).jpg]



6:23 For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

-No mention of hell. If sin equals nonexistence and being a Christian equals eternal life... I seriously choose sin.



7:6 But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter.

-Paul claims that like a wife is no longer bound to her husband by law when he dies, we are no longer bound to the OT laws because Jesus died. This is a pretty big assumption to just be throwing around Paul. Are you sure you don't want to wait until one of your many angelic visits or divine dreams tells you such? I'm still baffled as to why we were even given the many many many laws of the OT in the first place? All those people who sprinkled the blood of birds on other birds and sacrificed turtles every time their wives had their periods and married their rape victims... was all for nothing, since those were just temporary placeholder laws that only applied to certain people of a certain time period and demographic.



7:7 What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.

7:8 But sin, taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead.


-This also raises some questions. Without being told what sin was, were we still sinners? Without specific good and bad Biblical legislation, we were left to our own human nature. We would fornicate because it was pleasurable and necessary to the survival of our species. We would be promiscuous because like animals, it is not in our nature to restrict ourselves to one person. That would be a hindrance to efficiently increasing our population. So why were we born with the subconscious desire to do sinful acts?



8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

-This verse is so incorrect that a new word should be invented to describe the level of wrong it has achieved: "frimsical" That verse was completely frimsical.



9:13 As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.

9:14 What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? God forbid.

9:15 For he saith to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.

9:16 So then it is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy.

9:17 For the scripture saith unto Pharaoh, Even for this same purpose have I raised thee up, that I might shew my power in thee, and that my name might be declared throughout all the earth.

9:18 Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth.

9:19 Thou wilt say then unto me, Why doth he yet find fault? For who hath resisted his will?

9:20 Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?

9:21 Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour?

9:22 What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction:


-God makes some people so they can go to heaven and some people so he can punish them and send them to hell. And for those of us created solely for the purpose of demonstrating his wrath on to speak out and question God as to why he made us in the first place would be silly. For we are just toys and God is the toymaker. He can do whatever he wants with us.



More blah blah, just picture any modern preacher and you'll get the gist of Romans. You can be saved through Christ, be good, repent, be baptized, and live your life according to the words of the gospels.



Paul spends the rest of Romans preaching love for nonbelievers, peace, helping others, and doing good for God. Which is all quaint. Then he uses the last chapter to give a shout out to all his friends of the church, "Salute Urbane, our helper in Christ... etc" and then completely contradicts his love for nonbelievers bit.

16:17 Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.

16:18 For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.


-Like someone who greets the new kid in school with a warm welcome, then later turns to his friends and goes, "What a douche, let's stay away from that kid."

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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[+] 1 user Likes Buddy Christ's post
16-07-2011, 12:05 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
I literally squealed when I saw you posted a new update! You really should refine this and publish the book, 'The Atheists Critique of the Bible'... I certainly would buy it, you can even include a 'bible' study session in the back, lol!

[Image: 1471821-futurama_bender_s_big_score_imag...er-1-1.jpg]
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23-07-2011, 10:32 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(04-04-2011 02:35 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  Yep. This is gonna be a long one.

Feel free to throw your own logical dissections at any time.


GENESIS


First off, I'm skipping the whole "how were plants created before light/photosynthesis, how was light created before the sun, contradictions of which was created first" word games. Those take up too much time and words and pie.


1:16 "And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also."

-The moon is not a light, it is a reflection of the sun's light. This is the first of many examples that suggest that God's omnipotence seems to be limited to the knowledge of the demographics and time period of when the Bible was written. Strange.


1:26 "And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness"

-Our? Just how many gods are there?


2:2 "And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made."

-even though they say that God only "rested" to set an example of how would should rest on the 7th day, couldn't the Bible just say "rest on Sunday" ??(question mark)? It clearly says God rested, which means that this all-powerful being was worn out from all those valleys and hills and Wyoming and platypuses.


The Garden and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil


-Sooooo... God takes these 2 newly formed, ignorant to life humans, puts them in a garden with a tree bearing food, nonchalantly goes "don't eat from it" ... then leaves... to go make Venus, I guess. And you know the rest.

So... WHY did he put them near the tree? WHY did he have that which he didn't want humans to attain be edible and tempting? WHY did he leave? WHY did he allow Satan the Snake to be in the garden, knowing full well that he would tempt them? Why did God design these 2 humans to be susceptible to temptation?

Then God comes strolling by (3:8 "walking in the garden in the cool of the day") at the PRECISE moment after they eat the fruit and goes "whoa whoa, what's going on here?" (I'm paraphrasing, of course)

It's like having a 2 year old child and going "Now son, I'm going to leave these delicious chocolate chip cookies sitting right here within reach of you. I'm going to the store to buy some Funyuns. Don't eat them. Bye!" When any caring parent would remove temptation, knowing that the child doesn't know any better.

So it's quite obvious to me that God WANTED man to F up royally. God created man with the sole purpose of imposing "original sin" upon him, so that he may feel guilty and grovel and ask forgiveness for something that wasn't his fault for all eternity.

That child who ate the cookies is now 40 and the parent is still bringing it up daily. "I don't care if you saved an orphanage from burning down today... remember when I told you not to eat those cookies and you did?"


Cain slays Abel and is "cast out" arbitrarily from one remote location of this empty world to another random remote location. Then he worries that "every one that findeth me shall slay me."

-This is a strange worry since he is 1 of 3 people in existence. Then he sleeps with his wife to start the incestual chain of humanity... but where did his wife come from?


6:4 "There were giants in the earth in those days"

-I'm assuming these are literal giants and not "intellectual giants" or some modern term.


Then the Lord decides that all humanity is corrupt and needs to be massacred via flood.

-One... why the need for an elaborate flood? Why not just use your God powers and make every one not exist? You can only create from nothing, not turn into nothing? Two, were we not already told that men were made in His image? So either God is evil and corrupt, which is why we turned out like we did before and after the flood... or he is incapable of creating things how he wants. God is a flawed designer.

Maybe that's why he doesn't show his face anymore. He tried once, messed up and started over. Then he was like "whoa hold on, hold on. No, stop making more people. Wait, why did you kill that guy? Stop fucking! There's too many of you already! You know what!? Fuck this, I'm out!"


Then there's the Ark which I won't discuss do to redundancy. There are thousands of videos mocking this obvious nonsensical fairy tale already. The average thinker explaining the flaws of Noah and his ark is analogous to a world renowned chemist giving a lecture on the validity of alchemy.


Then Noah (the only righteous man in the world) gets hammered on wine and passes out naked.


Then the humans build an impressive tower and God (completely caught off guard) confuses them by making them speak multiple languages because their tower was more impressive than the one he made in shop class.


Many pages of slaves and servitude and historical inaccuracies and more incest


18:9 "And God said unto him, 'Where is Sarah thy wife?'" You're omnipotent, God. Quit messing with me. And stop asking about my wife, perv.


Lot offers his virgin daughters to a mob of rapists to appease their lust for the sexually attractive angels


God burns Sodom and Gomorrah to the ground, including all those "evil" children and newborn babies.


God turns Lot's wife in a pillar of salt just for kicks and giggles. Why exactly was it so wrong to look back at a village being assaulted by fire raining from the sky? If no one was supposed to look, perhaps God could've made the destruction a little more subtle.


Lot's daughters got their father drunk, then raped him." Yeah, I've been really drunk before, even drunk, high, and on acid at the same time. And not once during that time would I have "mistakenly" slept with my family members. Especially since they lived in a cave, separate from anyone that could have been confused for a bar skank.


21:1 "And the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken. For Sarah conceived..."

-God made a booty call


For some reason, God takes human form and wrestles Jacob. He is losing so he cheats and gropes Jacob's inner thigh.


Various pages discerning which parts of the penis to chop off.


Onan is murdered by God for spooging on the ground instead of impregnating his brother's wife.


A 7000 page story about Joseph being thought dead, but actually not.


INTERMISSION


For those of you that read this far... Bravo, you bored and dedicated souls. Obviously all the books aren't as interesting or important as Genesis, and will be skipped over (I'm looking at you Psalms).

Now I continue on with Exodus. Ahem...

That is one of the funniest things I have ever read - love it! Big Grin
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25-07-2011, 12:22 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(16-07-2011 12:05 AM)monkeyshine89 Wrote:  I literally squealed when I saw you posted a new update! You really should refine this and publish the book, 'The Atheists Critique of the Bible'... I certainly would buy it, you can even include a 'bible' study session in the back, lol!

I'm considering it to the point where I've looked up publishing sites. Job hunting sucks and a degree in Comp Sci is apparently worthless unless you speak Chinese or Indian, so the next logical step is to attempt writing. The only problem is, people usually buy books like they buy everything else; brand oriented. People will buy a George Carlin book not necessarily because of how good it is, but because they recognize the name and want to show people that they're a fan of George Carlin. So if people like AmazingAtheist can't get their atheist books to sell, who's going to buy anything from me?

But on with the critique. I'm super hopped up on NyQuil so this may get interesting.


[Image: 1corinthians_header.jpg]



Paul's Epistle to the "Church of God which is at Corinth."



1:4 I thank my God always on your behalf, for the grace of God which is given you by Jesus Christ;

-Again, starting off kind of presumptuous. "Don't worry, I thank God on your behalf. No need to thank me."



1:19 For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.

1:21 For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe.


-Wisdom is bad because you won't find God with your wisdom, but rather through the foolishness of preaching will you understand.



1:26 For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:

1:27 But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;

2:1 And I, brethren, when I came to you, came not with excellency of speech or of wisdom, declaring unto you the testimony of God.

2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.


-More praising of the virtue of stupidity. The only thing that's worth knowing is Jesus.



Paul claims that the people of the church at Corinth are fornicators and should:

5:5 To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.

5:9 I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators:

5:10 Yet not altogether with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world.

5:13 But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.


-In true Christian fashion, if your friends and family have problems and aren't perfect Christians like yourself, you should remove them from your life. No reason to risk upsetting Christ by associating with these miscreants.



6:15 Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.

6:16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.

6:17 But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.

6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.


-I like the "What?" part. You can almost picture the incredulous audience response when he tells people to be abstinent. Christians aren't too fond of sex, leading me to believe that all Christians are incapable of pleasing another human being.



7:1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.


-I lol'ed. In order to keep us from fornicating, we should get married. Sounds about right.



[Image: current-christian-marriage.jpg]



7:7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

7:8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.

7:9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.


-Given the two evils of marriage and hell, it's better to marry than to burn. Seriously, what do Christians have against sex? It doesn't hurt anybody and it's a source of happiness and pleasure... oh wait, I guess that's what bothers them. Christianity isn't the biggest fan of non-violence and pleasure. They're much bigger fans of sacrifice and suffering.



7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

-This is the 2nd or 3rd mention that as long as one person in the family believes, then the whole family is saved. That's gotta piss Christians off something awful to know that my godless, blaspheming ass is still going to heaven because of my relatives.



7:18 Is any man called being circumcised? let him not become uncircumcised. Is any called in uncircumcision? let him not be circumcised.

7:19 Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing, but the keeping of the commandments of God.


-First, I don't know how I'd go about becoming "uncircumcised." Would I have to buy a foreskin and sew it on? And second, Paul clearly states that circumcision is meaningless now, so why does it still take place outside of Jewish denominations?



7:21 Art thou called being a servant? care not for it: but if thou mayest be made free, use it rather.

7:22 For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is Christ's servant.


-Sounds to me like God's apathy toward slavery is finally explained. It doesn't matter if you're a slave to men or a free man... because we are all slaves to God. Now get God another sandwich before he beats you with a rod.



[Image: shackles_of_columbus.jpg]



7:25 Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment, as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful.

7:26 I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be.

7:27 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.


-Paul emphasizes many times throughout this book that these aren't direct commandments from God, but rather just Paul's hunches. I guess it's good to be a virgin and if you happen to be single, stay single. But if you're already married, might as well stay married. Which of course contradicts the previous verse about not burning.



7:29 But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none;

-The reason for all this "it doesn't really matter" attitude is because God is coming any day now, so what's the point? Says the man who lived 2000 years ago. Also another mention that we won't be with our spouses in heaven.



7:32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:

7:33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.


-Would you make up your mind, Paul? Is marriage good or not? If these are the passages used to make the "leaders of the church cannot get married" rule, then why is there so much emphasis on the anti-adultery commandments in the Old and New Testaments?



7:36 But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry.

7:37 Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well.

7:38 So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.


-Ok, so it's fine to get married, it's just not as good as staying single.



7:40 But she is happier if she so abide, after my judgment: and I think also that I have the Spirit of God.

-But none of this really matters, because once again, it's just Paul's opinion.



8:1 Now as touching things offered unto idols, we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth.

8:2 And if any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know.


-Knowledge makes you prideful, which is bad in the Christian world. Then a quote straight from Socrates.



A few chapters dedicated to whether or not we should eat the meat offered to idol gods. Which, of course, has zero application to modern society. Divine foresight at its best.



9:16 For though I preach the gospel, I have nothing to glory of: for necessity is laid upon me; yea, woe is unto me, if I preach not the gospel!

9:17 For if I do this thing willingly, I have a reward: but if against my will, a dispensation of the gospel is committed unto me.

9:19 For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more.

9:20 And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law;

9:21 To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law.

9:22 To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.


-Paul claims that he preaches the gospel, not because he wants to, but because is forced to. And that to convert as many people as possible, he will pretend to be one of them while preaching. Like an "atheist" who joins our forum with ulterior motives , all under the pretense of a flatulent feline.



10:7 Neither be ye idolaters, as were some of them; as it is written, The people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.

-Don't sit down to eat... then rise up and play? Don't swim for at least 30 minutes after eating? You lost me.



11:1 Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.

11:2 Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you.


-Paul seems more interested in people following him as Paulians than following Christ. Paul is doing the exact same thing as Jesus did, only claiming that he is speaking for Jesus, whereas Jesus spoke for God.



[Image: Poussin-The-Ecstasy-of-St-Paul.jpg]



11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

-Paul gives us the Christian hierarchy of gender importance. Women are less than men, who are less than Christ, who is less than God. Sexism still thriving several books into the NT.



11:6 For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.

11:7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.

11:8 For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man.

11:9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.


-If a woman dares to pray without covering her head, she should be shaved. A man doesn't have to cover his head because he is the image of God, where women are just lowly creatures made from men. Why do women chose to follow this shit?



11:27 Wherefore whosoever shall eat this bread, and drink this cup of the Lord, unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord.

11:28 But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup.

11:29 For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord's body.

11:30 For this cause many are weak and sickly among you, and many sleep.


-If you eat the Christ wafers and drink the Jesus wine at church and you are unworthy, then you will get sick and damn yourself to hell.



13:4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

13:5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

13:6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

13:7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.


-Replace "charity" with "love" and wham bam, you've got one of the many overused 1st Corinthians passages for wedding ceremonies.



An entire chapter dedicated to the importance of speaking in tongues. Because if you speak in a language that men don't understand, then only God can understand you.

14:18 I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than ye all:


-And not to brag, but I speak in tongues more than anybody.

14:22 Wherefore tongues are for a sign, not to them that believe, but to them that believe not: but prophesying serveth not for them that believe not, but for them which believe.

14:23 If therefore the whole church be come together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there come in those that are unlearned, or unbelievers, will they not say that ye are mad?

14:27 If any man speak in an unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and that by course; and let one interpret.

14:28 But if there be no interpreter, let him keep silence in the church; and let him speak to himself, and to God.


-Lot of rules for speaking in tongues. We don't want to scare off unbelievers with our madness, so let some of us interpret what those speaking in tongues are saying... because we obviously understand each others' babble-speak.



14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.

14:35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.


-WOWZA. No dancing around it, eh? Women, shut up and be obedient while at church, and if you have any questions, wait until you get home then ask your husband. (Since men understand everything and women are perpetually confused and slow to learn.)

-Other versions have changed "obedience" to "submissive" ...which just sounds worse to me.



15:3 For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures;

15:4 And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:


-Where in the scriptures? The best part about living in an illiterate time is that you can say things like this and people just believe you. Unfortunately, we in the modern age have mastered the art of reading (except in the south).



15:6 After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep.

-What? None of the gospels mention that anyone outside the apostles witnessed the resurrected Jesus. But Acts claims that 120 people saw him, and now Paul is claiming that 500 people saw him. Strange how the number keeps going up as the years pass.



15:7 After that, he was seen of James; then of all the apostles.

15:8 And last of all he was seen of me also, as of one born out of due time.

15:9 For I am the least of the apostles, that am not meet to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.


-I am JUST NOW realizing that Paul is actually Saul, the persecutor of Christians who was blinded for 3 days by God. I had to google it to make sure. I'm sorry if you all knew this already, but there's no transition, Saul just becomes Paul the disciple and starts preaching to people.



[Image: conversion_of_st_paul-400.jpg]



15:12 Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead?

15:13 But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen:

15:14 And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain.


-Paul continues on this path of logic for a while, going "And if Christ never rose from the dead then we are all fucked for believing in false gods, etc" and you kind of wait for him to drop that "this is the reason why we're not in fact fucked" bombshell but he just concludes with:

15:20 But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept.

-If Christ didn't rise from the dead then we are screwed, but it's okay, because Christ rose from the dead.



Paul closes out his heartfelt letter to Corinth with a promise of damnation to unbelievers and sends his love through Christ.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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28-07-2011, 03:16 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: 16735_2_Corinthians_1_t_sm.jpg]



1:1 Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God, and Timothy our brother, unto the church of God which is at Corinth, with all the saints which are in all Achaia:

-Paul doesn't so much as get a Like on his Facebook post to the good people at Corinth, so he collaborates with his church buddy Timothy and they release a remix, much in the way Eminem goes to Dr Dre to freshen up his beats.



Paulothy starts off by praising God for half a page, then starts speaking in lyrical riddles.

1:17 When I therefore was thus minded, did I use lightness? or the things that I purpose, do I purpose according to the flesh, that with me there should be yea yea, and nay nay?

1:18 But as God is true, our word toward you was not yea and nay.


-Already, the Corinthians are considering burning the letters like they burnt the last ones.



2:1 But I determined this with myself, that I would not come again to you in heaviness.

2:2 For if I make you sorry, who is he then that maketh me glad, but the same which is made sorry by me?

2:3 And I wrote this same unto you, lest, when I came, I should have sorrow from them of whom I ought to rejoice; having confidence in you all, that my joy is the joy of you all.


-Paulothy then explains why he hasn't stopped by Corinth in language so confusing it might as well be pig latin hieroglyphs.



3:6 Who also hath made us able ministers of the new testament; not of the letter, but of the spirit: for the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life.

-This is a very "eyebrow raising" sentence for me. He's saying that people like him are very good at preaching the "good Christian feeling" but he's more or less illiterate when it comes to the book itself. Don't focus on what the Bible says, focus on the goodness that Christianity preaches. I've heard similar things before, when I quote one of the many immoral scripture passages. The Bible isn't there to dwell on and pour over word for word, it's there as a starter kit to get the "do-good spirit" in you.



3:13 And not as Moses, which put a veil over his face, that the children of Israel could not stedfastly look to the end of that which is abolished:

3:14 But their minds were blinded: for until this day remaineth the same veil untaken away in the reading of the old testament; which veil is done away in Christ.

3:15 But even unto this day, when Moses is read, the veil is upon their heart.

3:16 Nevertheless when it shall turn to the Lord, the veil shall be taken away.


-He continues his condemnation of Bible readers by claiming that the Jews and those who follow the Old Testament, even Moses himself, didn't really understand the will of God because they didn't know or understand everything that Jesus stood for. They only saw half the puzzle completed. So to read and follow JUST the OT is to have a veil over your heart and mind. Not until you accept the New Testament and the teachings of Jesus will you see things clearly.

This is analogous to being a rookie basketball player and claiming that Michael Jordan was an average player and didn't really know what he was doing. You don't belittle the people who made your obsession what it is today just to make yourself look better.



5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight:

-This is one of the dumbest suggestions ever written. This is the shorter, more bumper-stickery way of saying "I know this belief goes against all logic, observable evidence, and rational thought available to me, but I am afforded the choice to believe in pure nonsense because my belief system is based on faith, or the complete absence of evidence or logic."



[Image: saupload_sheep_off_cliff.jpg]



6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

6:15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?

6:17 Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.


-So by subscribing to the believe that a zombie rose from the dead and teleported up to space to live with his dad/self magician overlord to relieve humans of an invisible affliction given to us by a talking snake thousands of years ago, Christians rightfully consider themselves the light, the clean, the pure, and the chosen ones. And everyone else who doubts this are unclean, the darkness, infidels, and unworthy of a Christian's company or friendship. Must get lonely up on that self-righteous pedestal.



Paul congratulates all Christians on being so awesome by preaching the word of the Lord. After they're done patting themselves on the back, Paul jumps into his next segment of his letter. He expresses his joy in hearing how pissed and depressed the Corinthians were made by his first letter. He claims that this proves that they yearn for divine repentance, that they were bothered by his scorning because they want to be right in God's eyes.



8:9 For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that ye through his poverty might be rich.

-This doesn't make any sense at all. Jesus was never rich. And he certainly didn't choose to become poor or desire to see his followers wealthy; he constantly preached the exact opposite of that actually. And if meant to be a metaphor, like rich in spirit, it still doesn't make sense, because Jesus was never considered poor in anything character-wise, or else he would have seemed less godly, and we wouldn't want that.



There's also plenty of mentions of a person called Titus in this book. But apparently that's a story all its own.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Titus



9:1 For as touching the ministering to the saints, it is superfluous for me to write to you:

-"It's unnecessary and redundant for me to write to you Corinthians" says Paul as he writes to the Corinthians.



10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

10:6 And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.


-Down with imagination and any thought, idea, or belief that goes against God. A Christian's mind is a prisoner and his every thought bound and captive to the obedience of Jesus. No philosophers or free thinkers allowed.



11:1 Would to God ye could bear with me a little in my folly: and indeed bear with me.

11:2 For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.


-Bear with me a second because I really don't know what I'm talking about. Seriously, bear with me while I struggle to make this up on the spot. I'm gonna deliver you to Christ like I'm delivering virgins to their new husbands. I'm jealous that you're all gonna get fucked by Christ. He's gonna deflower you and I wish it was me. But I've been a whore to other religions all my life, so it's not gonna be as special.



11:4 For if he that cometh preacheth another Jesus, whom we have not preached, or if ye receive another spirit, which ye have not received, or another gospel, which ye have not accepted, ye might well bear with him.

11:13 For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ.

11:14 And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.

11:15 Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works.


-The brilliant failsafe built into Christianity shows itself again. If someone comes along claiming the exact same things I'm claiming with the same messiah story and spirits and gospels... it's the work of Satan. Even if the prophets of such a religion claim to be righteous just like I'm claiming... it's Satan in disguise. Trust me when I say 2 + 2 = 4... except just this one time it equals 3. Oh, and Satan can transform into an angel of light.



[Image: angel_of_light.jpg]



Paul lists all the times he was persecuted and beaten and mocked and then praises these acts because:

12:10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.


-I enjoy being beaten for God.



Paul then promises to visit Corinth soon... while also claiming that they really don't want him to visit because he won't take it easy on the sinners. He also expresses some hesitation to visit because:

12:20 For I fear, lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I would, and that I shall be found unto you such as ye would not: lest there be debates, envyings, wraths, strifes, backbitings, whisperings, swellings, tumults:

12:21 And lest, when I come again, my God will humble me among you, and that I shall bewail many which have sinned already, and have not repented of the uncleanness and fornication and lasciviousness which they have committed.


-He thinks that if he visits, the holy image he has of them in his mind will be ruined by all the debating and fighting and fornicating that surely goes on there.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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31-07-2011, 01:49 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: header_galatians.jpg]



AKA Paul expands his spam mail to the people of Galatia



1:9 As we said before, so say I now again, if any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed.

-Paul copy and pasted his letters to the Corinthians and sent them to the Galatians. He didn't think that people would round up his letters and put them side by side in a book.



2:16 Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified.

-This sounds very quote friendly, so I'll post it in case a future Christian quotes it. The NT is very dismissive of the OT laws and emphasizes faith alone. Doesn't matter what you do, your faith is all that matters. Sounds to me like the lazy man's version of Judaism. I don't want to do all this stuff that's commanded of me, so telepathy will suffice. Now I don't even have to stop watching America's Got Talent, I can just pray during the commercials.

2:21 I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain.

-And the reason for all this emphasis on faith, is that if we are just good OT law followers, then Jesus died for no reason. So all this comes not from any established creed or logic based reasoning, but out of sympathy for a crucified man's beliefs. Christianity is a post-mortem grief suppression party that everyone else allowed to persist for entirely too long.



2:17 But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is therefore Christ the minister of sin? God forbid.

-Child molesting priests immediately come to mind. Does Jesus advocate pedophilia through the actions of his disciples? "God forbid" is sort of a cop out.



3:10 For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse: for it is written, Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them.

3:11 But that no man is justified by the law in the sight of God, it is evident: for, The just shall live by faith.


-It is written that anyone who doesn't follow the OT laws are cursed, but Paul claims that those who follow the laws are also cursed since it is clearly EVIDENT that God needs more than just law-followers. Keep in mind, this is all just Paul making assumptions here. And Paul is hardly one of God's favorite people. He used to be one of the biggest Christian persecutors until God blinded him and forced him to do his bidding. So it's safe to say the man may have some animosity hidden away. Perhaps he's saying all this to purposely lead Jews astray.



3:13 Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us: for it is written, Cursed is every one that hangeth on a tree:

-We aren't cursed if we don't follow the law, because Jesus was the curse for us. How do we know this? Because it was written that everyone who hangs on a tree is cursed... and Jesus... hung on a cross... which is made of wood. This is some serious guessing going on here.


[Image: 450429673_484f8ed371.jpg]



3:19 Wherefore then serveth the law? It was added because of transgressions, till the seed should come to whom the promise was made; and it was ordained by angels in the hand of a mediator.

3:20 Now a mediator is not a mediator of one, but God is one.

3:21 Is the law then against the promises of God? God forbid: for if there had been a law given which could have given life, verily righteousness should have been by the law.

3:22 But the scripture hath concluded all under sin, that the promise by faith of Jesus Christ might be given to them that believe.

3:23 But before faith came, we were kept under the law, shut up unto the faith which should afterwards be revealed.

3:24 Wherefore the law was our schoolmaster to bring us unto Christ, that we might be justified by faith.

3:25 But after that faith is come, we are no longer under a schoolmaster.


-A whole lot of trying to justify the dismissing of the OT laws. There are no angels dictating this speech. God hasn't spoken up once with his heavenly booming voice. This is just Paul, a guy pretending to know what he's talking about.



5:2 Behold, I Paul say unto you, that if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing

5:3 For I testify again to every man that is circumcised, that he is a debtor to do the whole law.

5:4 Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace.

5:6 For in Jesus Christ neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision; but faith which worketh by love.


-Now Paul condemns circumcision, saying that those who are already circumcised don't get any special treatment... in fact Jesus dislikes you, because you have signed the agreement to follow the OT law with your dick skin and as we are quickly learning, Christ hates law-followers compared to faith-lovers.



5:18 But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.

5:19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,

5:20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,

5:21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.


-Things that sins of the flesh and therefore, unhealthy to the spirit: sex, sex, and dirty sex. Also witchcraft (goes without saying), hatred in general (so natural human emotions are evil?), things that differ (?), jealousy, conquest, rebellion, and envious drunken murderers.



5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

5:23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.


-Meanwhile, things that make the spirit thrive include: love, joy, peace, suffering (?), being good and submissive. Seems kind of cheap to just list off things that are globally accepted as "good or desired concepts" such as love and peace and then claim that "that's the side we're on." A delicious peanut butter sandwich, a hot stone massage, a giggling baby... these are just some of the things that Christianity embraces, so why not join our club? Don't become an atheist, they enjoy things such as being a few cents short of exact change and cell phone calls during movies.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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06-08-2011, 02:25 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: ephesians.jpg]



Paul continues forwarding annoying postcards to random people. This time it's to the good people at Ephesus.



The epistles to the Ephesians were supposedly written by Paul during one of his many prison sentences, however, pretty much every scholar agrees that it was authored by someone pretending to be Paul years after his death.



2:2 Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience:

-Satan is the "prince of the power of the air." Until modern times Christians believed that Satan was responsible for storms and droughts. (See The Warfare of Science With Theology, Chapter 11 by Andrew Dickson White) (SAB)



2:8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

2:9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.


-A reaffirming of the "faith, not deeds" position that Paul has taken up. It seems kind of stupid that a fundamentalist who kills hundreds of innocents in a suicide bomb is worthy of heaven, but someone who doesn't really subscribe to the whole god thing, but rather spends his whole life doing good deeds and helping people goes straight to hell.



2:12 That at that time ye were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world:

2:13 But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ.


-Break em down, then build them up.

For we all know you were lost, hopeless souls doomed to damnation before Jesus.

"Oh no, I didn't know that! Did you hear that everyone? Apparently, we're lost and doomed!"

But it's ok, because your doomed status which I just now gave you has been wiped clean by the man I'm trying to convince you to believe in, Jesus.

"Yes! We're now saved! Let's all start believing in this Jesus character, lest we be hopeless again! Better safe than sorry!"



2:15 Having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances; for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace;

-The ten commandments are null and void now, as are all laws that God mentioned in the OT. In this manner, Jews can now become Christians, because that was the will of Jesus.



3:1 For this cause I Paul, the prisoner of Jesus Christ for you Gentiles,

-I don't do these things willingly. Submission for Christ. For fans of bondage.



3:14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

3:15 Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,

3:16 That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;

3:21 Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end.


-If I were to describe to you a man who required you to kneel, to submit to his greatness, and in return he'll reward you with glory and riches... what would you think? Personally, I would picture Xerxes or any other narcissistic ruler on a power trip and assume that person is a douchebag.



[Image: kneel-before-king.jpg]



3:17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,

3:19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.


-You can use the word "love" as much as you want, it still doesn't apply. What did Jesus do? Over the span of a few years, he fed 4 thousand people and cured the sick and blind that he happened to come in contact with. He didn't feed the world, or remove blindness as an earthly affliction altogether. Where does he earn this title of "Ultimate Symbol of Love?"



4:9 Now that he ascended, what is it but that he also descended first into the lower parts of the earth?

-This is terrible grammar, but it sounds like it's talking about how Jesus first went to hell before he ascended to heaven. The problem is that it claims that hell is in "the lower parts of the earth," which speaks to the ignorance of the time period.



A few lines telling people to not steal, covet, or lie, and that anyone who does these things will receive the wrath of God, therefore:

5:7 Be not ye therefore partakers with them.


-Completely exclude them from your lives. Ah, Christianity. Trying to save the souls of sinners by completely ostracizing them for 2000 years.



[Image: 10963099.jpg]



5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.


-Another pro-women's rights slogan. Women, subject yourself to your husbands because you are worth less than them. Obey and fear him. Then get back in the kitchen and fix dinner like a good little trophy wife.



6:5 Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ;

6:8 Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free.


-Slaves, obey your masters and be fearful of them, because it nothing matters on earth. In heaven, we're all God's bitches and he's our pimp.



Paul concludes like a skilled snake oil vendor, as with all his letters. Not-Jesus is a disease... but lucky for you I happen to be selling Jesus. How bout that? I am the informer of an invisible, symptomless sickness and also a purveyor of the cure.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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