An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
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22-11-2011, 01:52 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(22-11-2011 01:22 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  -Look, Paul's letters are hard to understand. But if you are unlearned and try to decipher his chicken scratch for your own understanding, you do so at your own destruction.

Hey! I resemble that remark! Good thing I got Holy Spirit; which of course is tao if one understands it, insanity if one doesn't. Tongue

More good stuff, Buddy Christ. Wink

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22-11-2011, 02:40 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
I was honestly thinking about doing this very thing.

You did a far better job, than I would ever do & I honor you for that. Smile
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24-11-2011, 04:28 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: 1-john-1_t1.jpg]


"The First Epistle of John... was written to counter the heresies that Jesus did not come 'in the flesh,' but only as a spirit. It also defined how Christians are to discern true teachers: by their ethics, their proclamation of Jesus in the flesh, and by their love." Written around 100 AD by "John the Evangelist."

1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

1:10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

-So either you admit you're a sinner and have a bloodbath in Christ's blood... or claim you have no sin and ipso facto bingo bongo, you just called Jesus a liar and farted in his unsuspecting face.

2:7 Brethren, I write no new commandment unto you, but an old commandment which ye had from the beginning. The old commandment is the word which ye have heard from the beginning.

2:8 Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth.

-Either John is some master wordsmith and is confusing me with his brilliant poetry, or he just juxtaposed contradictions, creating the very definition of nonsense.

2:15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

-That's kinda cynical, John. All you see in the world is lust and pride? All the selfless acts and inspirational accomplishments of men are self-righteous and godless?

2:18 Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrists; whereby we know that it is the last time.

-I'm pretty sure there are no little children reading the Bible. And the antichrist will soon come... to join all the other antichrists that are already here?

2:22 Who is a liar but he that denieth that Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist, that denieth the Father and the Son.

-Ah, no wonder there are so many antichrists. Because anyone who isn't a Christian is the antichrist. Well if that's who you're waiting on, then technically every baby born is an antichrist.

3:2 Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.

-Christianity. Truly the most humble religion on earth. Since we are the sons of God, Jesus will be just like us when he returns.

[Image: church-or-the-state-fair-of-jesus.jpg]

3:8 He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.

3:9 Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.

-So we atheists are spawns of Satan, and all Christians are sinless children of God. And why did God need to create Jesus to destroy the works of the devil? Why didn't God just destroy/not create the devil in the first place? Then there would be no devil, so there would be no malicious works, which would negate the need for Jesus. Everybody wins.

3:12 Not as Cain, who was of that wicked one, and slew his brother. And wherefore slew he him? Because his own works were evil, and his brother's righteous.

-Once you accept that Cain was wicked/evil... you have to realize that Cain was the VERY FIRST CHILD that Adam and Eve produced. God creates these two supposedly goodly creatures... and the first thing they do is disobey God and give birth to a wicked, murderous child? That should have been God's first clue to start over, instead of waiting until Noah's time and having to murder everyone on the planet.

3:15 Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.

-Like... our ACTUAL brother? Or like the brethren of fellow mankind? What if my brother is a dick and pees on me while I'm sleeping?

4:9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.

-But you just said that God created Jesus explicitly to come to earth and destroy the works of Satan? I seriously doubt that doing exactly what he had planned to do was a sacrifice on God's part.

[Image: satanwins.jpg]

Half a page of "God is love and to have love is to have God because God loved us so we should love..."

5:7 For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one.:

-(SAB) This is the clearest, and pretty much the only, expression of the Trinitarian concept in the Bible. It is not, however, found in the earliest Greek manuscripts and is omitted from most modern translations. Here, for example, are verses 7-8 in the New Revised Standard Version:

"There are three that testify: the Spirit and the water and the blood, and these three agree."

5:21 Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen.

-The strangest sign off line I've seen so far. "Oh, and by the way children, stay away from idols. Peace!"

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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26-11-2011, 12:31 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR-9IGPrQ72S4W2IGDYWF4...YoAZrz75DQ]

2nd John is 1 chapter, 13 verses long and the only notable verse is:

9 Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son.

10 If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed:

11 For he that biddeth him God speed is partaker of his evil deeds.

-If you are friendly to non-believers or even wish them well, you are just as much a sinner as they are. How kind.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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27-11-2011, 05:12 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: 3_john_title.jpg]

13 I had many things to write, but I will not with ink and pen write unto thee:

-3rd John is a cut and paste replica of 2nd John, one chapter long, and completely unnecessary. "John" wrote to somebody to tell them he had many things to write... but isn't going to. But at least now there's only two more books left before I'm finished.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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28-11-2011, 11:45 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: JUDE.gif]

1 Jude, the servant of Jesus Christ, and brother of James, to them that are sanctified by God the Father, and preserved in Jesus Christ, and called:

-The author is claiming to be Jude, brother of James, which is fine until you realize which James he's talking about. The James in question is "James the Just," the leader of the Christian movement after the death of Jesus.

We're also talking about the brother of Jesus from the gospels of Matthew and Mark:

"Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? and are not his sisters here with us? And they were offended at him."

And the son of Mary:

"Some women were watching from a distance. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and of Joseph, and Salome."

So this author is claiming to be the brother of Jesus. Doubtful, but let's listen up.

[Image: 200px-Saint_James_the_Just.jpg]

5 I will therefore put you in remembrance, though ye once knew this, how that the Lord, havingthat believed not. saved the people out of the land of Egypt, afterward destroyed them

-To remind followers of an event that happened a really long time ago, aka the Christian Specialty.

7 Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.

-And to remind us that fags will forever burn in fire. Also part of the Christian Specialty.

9 Yet Michael the archangel, when contending with the devil he disputed about the body of Moses, durst not bring against him a railing accusation, but said, The Lord rebuke thee.

-Apparently, this is a story taken from something called The Assumption of Moses, which according to Wikipedia is:

The Assumption of Moses (otherwise called the Testament of Moses) is a Jewish apocryphal pseudepigraphical work. It is known from a single sixth-century incomplete manuscript in Latin that was discovered by Antonio Ceriani in the Biblioteca Ambrosiana in Milan in the mid-nineteenth century and published by him in 1861.

-I saw "apocryphal pseudepigraphical work" and gave up all hope. Sounds like an interesting story though, if somebody wants to research it and let us know.

11 Woe unto them! for they have gone in the way of Cain, and ran greedily after the error of Balaam for reward, and perished in the gainsaying of Core.

12 These are spots in your feasts of charity, when they feast with you, feeding themselves without fear: clouds they are without water, carried about of winds; trees whose fruit withereth, without fruit, twice dead, plucked up by the roots;

13 Raging waves of the sea, foaming out their own shame; wandering stars, to whom is reserved the blackness of darkness for ever.

-Still talking about sinners and unbelievers, "Jude" goes off on a poetic tangent that's just lovely.

14 And Enoch also, the seventh from Adam, prophesied of these, saying, Behold, the Lord cometh with ten thousands of his saints,

15 To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken against him.

-This one is from the Book of Enoch, an ancient Hebrew non-canonical text. At least this Jude person is clearly educated on the texts of his religion.

22 And of some have compassion, making a difference:

23 And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.

-After hating on sinners the entire chapter, Jude throws out a well wishing, compelling Christians to "save them with fear." To use earthly fear to pull them from eternal fire.

And that's that. I may get into Revelations later today, and I will pick it apart, word for word.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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28-11-2011, 07:05 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
I'm quite looking forward to revelations... my butt cheeks are clenched so tight in anticipation that the squirrel is trying to dig his way out through my stomach to get air. Actually the squirrel could easily be a girl for all I know.

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments." -Jim Morrison
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29-11-2011, 12:46 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: Book_Of_Revelation_by_Angeliq.jpg]

1:1 The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant John:

-The Book of Revelation is supposedly authored by John of Patmos, which is supposedly St John the disciple after he was exiled to the island of Patmos. And it was told to John by an angel, who had heard it from Jesus, who got it from a Post-It note left by God. A divine telephone game delivered our prophecy of doom, which will come to pass any day now. Annnnnny moment now. God and his 1000 year seconds.

Let's start this bitch!

[Image: book-of-revelation.jpg]

1:4 John to the seven churches which are in Asia: Grace be unto you, and peace, from him which is, and which was, and which is to come; and from the seven Spirits which are before his throne;

-Asia and the Christians are finally on speaking terms now. And John is speaking for the "seven Spirits before the throne??"

1:7 Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen.

-So Jesus will float down on his cloud mobile and everyone will be able to see him (since the earth is flat and all). Then we'll all start wailing? Pardon? Amen? Christians always bother me with their sporadic placing of Amen. Isn't that a word used to denote the end of a conversation with the heavens? That'd be like me walking around going, "I'm heading off to the dry cleaners to pick up my clothes. The end. I'll be back in a few minutes. The end."

1:9 I John, who also am your brother, and companion in tribulation, and in the kingdom and patience of Jesus Christ, was in the isle that is called Patmos, for the word of God, and for the testimony of Jesus Christ.

1:10 I was in the Spirit on the Lord's day, and heard behind me a great voice, as of a trumpet,

1:11 Saying, I am Alpha and Omega, the first and the last: and, What thou seest, write in a book, and send it unto the seven churches which are in Asia;

-After I was stranded on an island for a few years, I started hearing voices, which commanded me to write a book and distribute it to random places in Asia. What's crazy about that?

1:12 And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden candlesticks;

1:13 And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle.

1:14 His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;

1:15 And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.

1:16 And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.

1:17 And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:

1:18 I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death.

1:19 Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter;

1:20 The mystery of the seven stars which thou sawest in my right hand, and the seven golden candlesticks. The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks which thou sawest are the seven churches.

-I almost don't even need to make fun of this one. But at least let me recap. In the midst of 7 candles I saw a man wearing a golden girdle, with flaming eyes and snow white hair, with brass feet and a watery voice, and he was holding 7 stars and puking a sword. When I saw this man I collapsed at his brass feet, where he told me that he was dead, but now alive, and has the keys to hell. So clearly I'm not making any of this following story up and you should believe every word I say.

2:1 Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write; These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;

-And John isn't writing to the 7 churches... he's writing to the 7 angels of the churches... as represented by the 7 stars in candlestick Jesus' hand.

2:2 I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:

2:4 Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

2:5 Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.

-I know you've done good works, angel. But if you don't repent for "leaving thy first love," I'll come and take away your candlestick. So far, Revelation is the hilarious ramblings of a mad man. Hopefully this comedic gold continues.

2:8 And unto the angel of the church in Smyrna write; These things saith the first and the last, which was dead, and is alive;

2:9 I know thy works, and tribulation, and poverty, (but thou art rich) and I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan.

2:10 Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.

2:11 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death.

-And to the angel of Smyrna, Jesus said that some of your Jews are actually Satanists who will put the actual Jews in jail. But if you keep your faith for 10 days, the "second death" won't be painful. Yes! Keep the classics coming, John!

2:12 And to the angel of the church in Pergamos write; These things saith he which hath the sharp sword with two edges;

2:13 I know thy works, and where thou dwellest, even where Satan's seat is: and thou holdest fast my name, and hast not denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antipas was my faithful martyr, who was slain among you, where Satan dwelleth.

2:14 But I have a few things against thee, because thou hast there them that hold the doctrine of Balaam, who taught Balac to cast a stumblingblock before the children of Israel, to eat things sacrificed unto idols, and to commit fornication.

2:15 So hast thou also them that hold the doctrine of the Nicolaitanes, which thing I hate.

2:16 Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth.

2:17 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.

-SAB summed all this up nicely. Jesus knows where Satan lives: the town of Pergamos! And Jesus has a few things against that town, too. There was that stuff a while back with Balaam and Balac, eating things sacrificed to idols, fornication, and whatnot. But what he really hates is the doctrine of Nicolaitanes. Repent or Jesus will fight with the sword that sticks out of his mouth. Whoever overcomes will get some mana to eat, along with a white stone with their own secret name written on it.

2:18 And unto the angel of the church in Thyatira write; These things saith the Son of God, who hath his eyes like unto a flame of fire, and his feet are like fine brass;

2:19 I know thy works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience, and thy works; and the last to be more than the first.

2:20 Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols.

2:21 And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not.

2:22 Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds.

2:23 And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.

2:24 But unto you I say, and unto the rest in Thyatira, as many as have not this doctrine, and which have not known the depths of Satan, as they speak; I will put upon you none other burden.

2:25 But that which ye have already hold fast till I come.

2:26 And he that overcometh, and keepeth my works unto the end, to him will I give power over the nations:

2:27 And he shall rule them with a rod of iron; as the vessels of a potter shall they be broken to shivers: even as I received of my Father.

2:28 And I will give him the morning star.

-Once again, this is so much awesomeness that I'm now typing from my back because I've fallen to the floor in hysteria. Over to you again, Skeptic. Jesus has a few things against Thyatira, too. Jezebel has taught them to fornicate and eat things sacrificed to idols. So Jesus will throw Jezebel and her sex partners into a bed of torture. Then he'll kill her children (with death). Whoever overcomes will rule everyone else with an iron rod, smashing the others to pieces. Jesus will even throw in the morning star (the planet Venus?) as a bonus prize.

3:1 And unto the angel of the church in Sardis write; These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars; I know thy works, that thou hast a name that thou livest, and art dead.

3:3 Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent. If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee.

-I'm pretty sure that's sexual harassment, Jesus.

3:4 Thou hast a few names even in Sardis which have not defiled their garments; and they shall walk with me in white: for they are worthy.

3:5 He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels.

-The few that are worthy get to wear white clothes. Spaghetti nights are gonna be a bitch. And those that cross over to the heavenly side, I won't cross your name out of my special book and then I'll ask my dad if you're allowed to sleep over.

3:7 And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write; These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth;

3:8 I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name.

3:9 Behold, I will make them of the synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet, and to know that I have loved thee.

-Philadelphia? Alright. Getting a little tired of this madness. Blah blah, I realize you've done good works, but [insert crazy rambling] blah blah.

3:14 And unto the angel of the church of the Laodiceans write; These things saith the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of the creation of God;

3:15 I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot.

3:16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.

-I use this quote a lot on cherry picking Christians who only do the convenient commandments in the Bible. It's nice to know where I got it from, now I can throw out a "Revelation 3:16" at the end to piss them off more.

Wow. All this and we're only on chapter 4. But now that the stupid church letters are done, let's celebrate with one of the many sweet Revelation pics.

[Image: bookofrevelation.jpg]

4:1 After this I looked, and, behold, a door was opened in heaven: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither, and I will shew thee things which must be hereafter.

4:2 And immediately I was in the spirit: and, behold, a throne was set in heaven, and one sat on the throne.

4:3 And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone: and there was a rainbow round about the throne, in sight like unto an emerald.

-People take this shit seriously? So far, the great and often-referenced book is harder to take seriously than Michael Jackson's denial of having cosmetic surgery. John became a spirit, floated up to heaven, and saw a throne under a rainbow. Thrones. Heaven is a monarchy. A very misty monarchy with sunlight that causes rainbows.

4:4 And round about the throne were four and twenty seats: and upon the seats I saw four and twenty elders sitting, clothed in white raiment; and they had on their heads crowns of gold.

4:5 And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God.

-24 dudes dressed in white with gold crowns... because gold... an arbitrary material praised on earth for it's rarity... is still used in heaven. And even in heaven, spirits are still represented by something earthbound. It's heaven. Wouldn't spirits just be... spirits?

4:6 And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind.

4:7 And the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle.

4:8 And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, LORD God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.

-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!! Fours beasts... full of eyes... who sat around saying, "Holy, holy, holy, LORD God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come."

4:9 And when those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to him that sat on the throne, who liveth for ever and ever,

4:10 The four and twenty elders fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying,

4:11 Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

-Soooooo, these men, who I assume were holy or revered by God to have assumed the mantle of "crown wearing personal council of God," are forever slaves to God, praising his greatness from their knees and throwing their crowns at his feet, which is probably the only reason why God gave them crowns in the first place. He DID say earlier in the Bible that we are all slaves to God.

Let's take a breather, cause this next bit is even more ridiculous and hilarious.

5:1 And I saw in the right hand of him that sat on the throne a book written within and on the backside, sealed with seven seals.

5:2 And I saw a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice, Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof?

5:3 And no man in heaven, nor in earth, neither under the earth, was able to open the book, neither to look thereon.

5:4 And I wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon.

-The man sitting on the throne had a book sealed with 7 seals. And a strong angel (there are weak angels?) shouted, "Who can open this book?" And everyone in heaven and on earth and "under the earth" (the flat earth?) heard him, but no one could manage to open the book (very Sword in the Stone), and so I burst into tears because I really wanted to see what was in the book.

5:5 And one of the elders saith unto me, Weep not: behold, the Lion of the tribe of Juda, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof.

5:6 And I beheld, and, lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth.

5:7 And he came and took the book out of the right hand of him that sat upon the throne.

-The "lion of Juda" ...who is actually a dead lamb with 7 horns and 7 eyes... each horn and eye actually being a spirit of God (what happened to the lanterns?)... came forth and took the book from the throne man.

[Image: ch5_pat_10_7%20sealed%20scroll_small.jpg]

5:8 And when he had taken the book, the four beasts and four and twenty elders fell down before the Lamb, having every one of them harps, and golden vials full of odours, which are the prayers of saints.

5:9 And they sung a new song, saying, Thou art worthy to take the book, and to open the seals thereof: for thou wast slain, and hast redeemed us to God by thy blood out of every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation;

-The slave elders fell and worshiped again, only this time with harps and perfume bottles full of prayers. Then they sang the song of book opening. Keep in mind, this is all supposed to be a true story, or else the rest of the book would be false as well.

5:14 And the four beasts said, Amen. And the four and twenty elders fell down and worshipped him that liveth for ever and ever.

-Hope those slave elders have knee pads, cause that's a lot of grovelling.

Then the lion/sheep man (Jesus) starts opening the book seals one by one, and after each seal is opened, one of the beasts says, "Come and see" and then something strange happens.

First seal:
6:2 And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.

Second seal: 6:4 And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.

-So with each seal opened so far, horses appear with armed riders to go kill things on earth. Alrighty.

Third Seal: 6:5 And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.

Fourth Seal: 6:8 And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.

-Johnny Cash taught me this one long before the Bible did.

Fifth Seal: 6:10 And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth?

6:11 And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their fellowservants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled.

Sixth Seal: 6:12 And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;

6:13 And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.

6:14 And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.

-The stars of heaven "fell to earth" ...because all the stars are simply floating above earth in a very cartoony fashion. Land is the bottom of the universe and the sky is the top part.

7:1 And after these things I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, nor on the sea, nor on any tree.

-If you're wondering what happened to the 7th seal, that doesn't happen until next chapter. First we have to discuss the four corners of the square shaped earth.

7:2 And I saw another angel ascending from the east, having the seal of the living God: and he cried with a loud voice to the four angels, to whom it was given to hurt the earth and the sea,

7:3 Saying, Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads.

7:4 And I heard the number of them which were sealed: and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the tribes of the children of Israel.

-An angel had to appear to give the other angels instructions. They were just chillin, playing four-square and waiting for their next move. We first have to mark all the ones to be saved before we start destroying everything. Because we can't tell who's holy or not... unless they have a mark on their head. And only 144,000 Jews will get into heaven. Seems a very specific number. Hate to be Jew number 144,001.

7:9 After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, ofall nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands;

7:10 And cried with a loud voice, saying, Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb.

7:11 And all the angels stood round about the throne, and about the elders and the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and worshipped God,

-Pretty much anything calls for worship from the elders.

[Image: 24elders.jpg]

7:15 Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple: and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them.

-For being one of the lucky few that dedicated their lives to God, they now get to serve him day and night in his temple for all eternity. Temple. Serve. The vain God has slaves tend to him in his building of vanity.

8:1 And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.

-For a span of 30 minutes, finally everyone in heaven shuts the hell up for a second.

8:2 And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven trumpets.

-Dammit. The silence was nice while it lasted, but here come that damn angelic brass section again. So when you die, does God himself personally give you trumpet lessons or does that come with the wings?

8:7 The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up.

8:8 And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood;

8:9 And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died; and the third part of the ships were destroyed.

8:10 And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters;

8:11 And the name of the star is called Wormwood: and the third part of the waters became wormwood; and many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter.

8:12 And the fourth angel sounded, and the third part of the sun was smitten, and the third part of the moon, and the third part of the stars; so as the third part of them was darkened, and the day shone not for a third part of it, and the night likewise.

8:13 And I beheld, and heard an angel flying through the midst of heaven, saying with a loud voice, Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth by reason of the other voices of the trumpet of the three angels, which are yet to sound!

-At this point I'm convinced that God has OCD. Everything must be done in 7's and he starts to destroy the earth in thirds. Then an angel flies around warning people that there are still 3 trumpets left to blow. So watch out.

9:1 And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit.

9:2 And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit.

9:3 And there came out of the smoke locusts upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power.

9:4 And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads.

-A star forms a bottomless pit, then locust scorpions climb out and are given specific instructions to stay out of the proverbial flower bed. Kill all unmarked humans... but stay off my grass, I just planted some nice tulips.

9:5 And to them it was given that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months: and their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man.

9:6 And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them.

-So next time you hear this damn verse being used to scare you into believing, remind the person that this quote was referring to locust scorpions that climbed out of a bottomless pit formed by a star from heaven after five angels blew trumpets in a vision about a book that was opened by a dead lamb/lion hybrid.

9:7 And the shapes of the locusts were like unto horses prepared unto battle; and on their heads were as it were crowns like gold, and their faces were as the faces of men.

9:8 And they had hair as the hair of women, and their teeth were as the teeth of lions.

9:9 And they had breastplates, as it were breastplates of iron; and the sound of their wings was as the sound of chariots of many horses running to battle.

9:10 And they had tails like unto scorpions, and there were stings in their tails: and their power was to hurt men five months.

9:11 And they had a king over them, which is the angel of the bottomless pit, whose name in the Hebrew tongue is Abaddon, but in the Greek tongue hath his name Apollyon.

-Oh, and that the locust scorpions had horse bodies, man faces, women's hair, lion teeth, armor, wings, and were commanded by an angel king while ruled over the bottomless pit. I'd sooner believe that if I don't repent, the giant will climb down the magic beanstalk and grind my bones to make his bread.

9:13 And the sixth angel sounded, and I heard a voice from the four horns of the golden altar which is before God,

9:14 Saying to the sixth angel which had the trumpet, Loose the four angels which are bound in the great river Euphrates.

9:15 And the four angels were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men.

9:16 And the number of the army of the horsemen were two hundred thousand thousand: and I heard the number of them.

-Now four angels emerge from the Euphrates with an army of 200 million to kill off 1/3rd of mankind... but first they must prepare for over a year? Prepare what? Are they raising the troop morale and going over the battle plan?

9:17 And thus I saw the horses in the vision, and them that sat on them, having breastplates of fire, and of jacinth, and brimstone: and the heads of the horses were as the heads of lions; and out of their mouths issued fire and smoke and brimstone.

9:18 By these three was the third part of men killed, by the fire, and by the smoke, and by the brimstone, which issued out of their mouths.

9:19 For their power is in their mouth, and in their tails: for their tails were like unto serpents, and had heads, and with them they do hurt.

-These horses had lion heads that breathed fire, smoke, and brimstone. And don't forget the serpent tails. My bad everyone. All this time I thought I was critiquing the Bible, the cornerstone of the religion believed by millions of adults. Turns out I've been reading The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe this whole time.

[Image: Jesus-rev2.jpg]

9:20 And the rest of the men which were not killed by these plagues yet repented not of the works of their hands, that they should not worship devils, and idols of gold, and silver, and brass, and stone, and of wood: which neither can see, nor hear, nor walk:

-I don't know about you, but if I saw 200 million hybrid creatures kill 1/3rd of earth's population by shooting flames out its mouth... I would seriously consider converting to whatever beliefs would keep me from being killed next.

10:1 And I saw another mighty angel come down from heaven, clothed with a cloud: and a rainbow was upon his head, and his face was as it were the sun, and his feet as pillars of fire:

10:2 And he had in his hand a little book open: and he set his right foot upon the sea, and his left foot on the earth,

10:3 And cried with a loud voice, as when a lion roareth: and when he had cried, seven thunders uttered their voices.

-An angel emerges from heaven wearing cloud pants, with his feet on fire, and a rainbow head and sun face, carrying a book. Then he straddled the coast line (I'd stick both of those flaming feet in the ocean if I were you). One foot on earth, one on the ocean... guess there were no tides or waves that day.

10:8 And the voice which I heard from heaven spake unto me again, and said, Go and take the little book which is open in the hand of the angel which standeth upon the sea and upon the earth.

10:9 And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey.

10:10 And I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter.

-Here, take this book and eat it. It will taste like honey but it will probably give you the runs for weeks.

God then sends two prophets to earth to spread the word of end times, men who can stop the rain from falling from heaven and anyone who causes them harm will be consumed with fire from their mouths.

11:7 And when they shall have finished their testimony, the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit shall make war against them, and shall overcome them, and kill them.

11:10 And they that dwell upon the earth shall rejoice over them, and make merry, and shall send gifts one to another; because these two prophets tormented them that dwelt on the earth.

11:11 And after three days and an half the spirit of life from God entered into them, and they stood upon their feet; and great fear fell upon them which saw them.

11:12 And they heard a great voice from heaven saying unto them, Come up hither. And they ascended up to heaven in a cloud; and their enemies beheld them.

-After the word is spread, Bottomless Pit Angel King will kill the prophets? And when the people of earth are done rejoicing that the assholes are dead, God will bring them back to life and levitate them up to heaven.

11:14 The second woe is past; and, behold, the third woe cometh quickly.

11:15 And the seventh angel sounded; and there were great voices in heaven,

saying, The kingdoms of this world are become the kingdoms of our Lord, and of his Christ; and he shall reign for ever and ever.

11:16 And the four and twenty elders, which sat before God on their seats, fell upon their faces, and worshipped God,

11:17 Saying, We give thee thanks, O LORD God Almighty, which art, and wast, and art to come; because thou hast taken to thee thy great power, and hast reigned.

11:19 And the temple of God was opened in heaven, and there was seen in his temple the ark of his testament: and there were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail.

-Finally the angel marching band gets around to the finale and once the slave elders are done grovelling at his glory, God begins his destruction of earth.

[Image: lationtime.jpg]

Alright. Halfway through the book. Time for a break. I'll try to finish this tonight, but it's just so long and hilarious. I peeked ahead at Revelation 12... apparently, there are dragons coming up. This is set to rival Lord of the Rings in fantasy epicness. Tell the truth. R.A. Salvatore wrote this, didn't he?

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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[+] 1 user Likes Buddy Christ's post
29-11-2011, 01:23 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible

It's scaring the livin' bejezus out of me... and I love it!! trippin.....whoa..

Who can turn skies back and begin again?
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29-11-2011, 04:38 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: revelation.jpg]


12:1 And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars:

12:2 And she being with child cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered.

12:3 And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads.

12:4 And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born.

-We start off part 2 with a pregnant woman clothed in sun, and the moon... under her feet? Was she walking on the moon or was she wearing moon shoes? She also wore a crown, just for the hell of it. Anyways, a red dragon appears from heaven (dragons live in heaven) with seven heads, ten horns, and each head wearing... a crown. The dragon... wore apparel... that we use to signify leaders in one of our political systems. So after his tail knocked 1/3rd of the stars out of the sky... which would be roughly a trillion trillion trillion stars... he waited next to the woman for her to give birth, so he could eat the baby. Because as we all know, dragons love to eat babies.

12:5 And she brought forth a man child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron: and her child was caught up unto God, and to his throne.

12:6 And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God, that they should feed her there a thousand two hundred and threescore days.

12:7 And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels,

12:8 And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven.

-I forgot to mention that this pregnant woman was in heaven (12:1) when she gave birth and ran off to the wilderness. Wilderness. In heaven. Then Michael and his angel army fought off the dragon, probably with their swords, since heaven uses outdated weaponry (chariots and bow and arrow and such).

[Image: woman_clothed_in_sun.jpg]

12:9 And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.

-Finally, a mention of Satan being cast out of heaven. Of course, you have to accept that he has the power to turn into a dragon and has an angel army of his own first.

12:12 Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time.

12:13 And when the dragon saw that he was cast unto the earth, he persecuted the woman which brought forth the man child.

12:14 And to the woman were given two wings of a great eagle, that she might fly into the wilderness, into her place, where she is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time, from the face of the serpent.

12:15 And the serpent cast out of his mouth water as a flood after the woman, that he might cause her to be carried away of the flood.

12:16 And the earth helped the woman, and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth.

-Heads up, earth! We just threw a dragon out of heaven and naturally, the only place a being cast from heaven can land is earth, since heaven is directly above earth. The woman, not in heaven anymore, sprouts wings and flies away, but not until the dragon shoots flood waters out his mouth at her, which are swallowed up by the earth.

13:1 And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.

13:2 And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.

-A sea creature rises from the depths, looking eerily similar to Satan, only this creature has a crown on every horn on its head. I can't wait until the crown appears, with crowns for hands and a great many crowns on its crown. Anyways, this sea creature has the body of a leopard and bear's feet. Satan the dragon transfers all his power to the creature.

[Image: beast_of_revelation.jpg]

The dragons wounds are healed by the power of Satan and he is able to speak, so he blasphemes against God for a while until:

13:11 And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.

-Yep. Another beast appears, this one with goat horns and the voice of a dragon (Skyrim?). This beast impresses people with miracles and fire from the sky.

13:16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:

13:17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

13:18 Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

-666, the number of the beast.

14:1 And I looked, and, lo, a Lamb stood on the mount Sion, and with him an hundred forty and four thousand, having his Father's name written in their foreheads.

14:2 And I heard a voice from heaven, as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder: and I heard the voice of harpers harping with their harps:

14:3 And they sung as it were a new song before the throne, and before the four beasts, and the elders: and no man could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth.

14:4 These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. These are they which follow the Lamb whithersoever he goeth. These were redeemed from among men, being the firstfruits unto God and to the Lamb.

-Jesus the sheep is standing around on a mountain with his 144,000 Jews singing a song that only those who are to be saved can learn. And to be a part of this 144,000 you must be a virgin. Bummer. This sounds like a Christian road trip from hell. A bunch of virgins travelling around the wilderness singing songs with harps and trumpets? Sounds more like band camp.

14:14 And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle.

14:15 And another angel came out of the temple, crying with a loud voice to him that sat on the cloud, Thrust in thy sickle, and reap: for the time is come for thee to reap; for the harvest of the earth is ripe.

14:16 And he that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped.

-Jesus is chilling in his cloud recliner wielding a sickle (rather primitive weapon for the son of God) and an angel flies by and tells him to get off his ass and get to work. So Jesus follows the command of the angel and "reaps the earth." Then another angel comes along, also brandishing a sickle and reaps the earth as well, just in case Jesus missed any.

[Image: JesusSickle215.JPG]

15:5 And after that I looked, and, behold, the temple of the tabernacle of the testimony in heaven was opened:

15:6 And the seven angels came out of the temple, having the seven plagues, clothed in pure and white linen, and having their breasts girded with golden girdles.

15:7 And one of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God, who liveth for ever and ever.

-As I was going to St Ives
I met a man with seven wives
Every wife had seven sacks
Every sack had seven cats
Every cat had seven kittens
Kittens, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to St Ives?

Wait, no that's the English nursery rhyme from Die Hard with a Vengeance. Got caught up in these numbers and fables. And the answer is one.

16:1 And I heard a great voice out of the temple saying to the seven angels, Go your ways, and pour out the vials of the wrath of God upon the earth.

16:2 And the first went, and poured out his vial upon the earth; and there fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men which had the mark of the beast, and upon them which worshipped his image.

16:3 And the second angel poured out his vial upon the sea; and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea.

16:4 And the third angel poured out his vial upon the rivers and fountains of waters; and they became blood.

16:8 And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire.

16:9 And men were scorched with great heat, and blasphemed the name of God, which hath power over these plagues: and they repented not to give him glory.

16:10 And the fifth angel poured out his vial upon the seat of the beast; and his kingdom was full of darkness; and they gnawed their tongues for pain,

16:12 And the sixth angel poured out his vial upon the great river Euphrates; and the water thereof was dried up, that the way of the kings of the east might be prepared.

16:17 And the seventh angel poured out his vial into the air; and there came a great voice out of the temple of heaven, from the throne, saying, It is done.

16:18 And there were voices, and thunders, and lightnings; and there was a great earthquake, such as was not since men were upon the earth, so mighty an earthquake, and so great.

-That's it? This day has been hyped up for thousands of years. The fury of God finally unleashed on earth and what do we get? Bloody seas and rivers, sores, a great heat, darkness, a dried up river, and a couple of natural occurrences? Seriously God, you could have went with a supernova or a black hole in the center of the earth or a fleet of dragons or just a fucking nuclear bomb. Instead we get some inconveniences. Oh how I tremble.

17:1 And there came one of the seven angels which had the seven vials, and talked with me, saying unto me, Come hither; I will shew unto thee the judgment of the great whore that sitteth upon many waters:

17:2 With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.

17:3 So he carried me away in the spirit into the wilderness: and I saw a woman sit upon a scarlet coloured beast, full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns.

17:4 And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication:


17:6 And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.

-I have no idea what any of this says. Some great whore sitting on a beast, drinking from a golden cup of sin and branded with the title, "Mother of Harlots?" Later we're told that one day Jesus will wage a war against the ten kingdoms symbolized by the ten horns on her head.

[Image: Whore-beast.jpg]

19:2 For true and righteous are his judgments: for he hath judged the great whore, which did corrupt the earth with her fornication, and hath avenged the blood of his servants at her hand.

-Praise God for his ability to judge others from his self-righteous throne.

19:4 And the four and twenty elders and the four beasts...


... fell down and worshipped God that sat on the throne, saying, Amen; Alleluia.

19:7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.

19:8 And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.

-Either Jesus has a wife in heaven, or it's a metaphor and we're the wife, ready to get fucked by the Lord.

19:11 And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.

19:12 His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.

19:13 And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.

19:14 And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.

19:15 And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.

19:16 And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.

-A man riding a white horse (outdated technology again) who is somehow Jesus AND the word of God appears wearing SEVERAL crowns on one head.

19:20 And the beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that wrought miracles before him, with which he deceived them that had received the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone.

19:21 And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh.

-The beast and false prophet (???) were cast into a lake of fire, then everyone else was killed by Jesus with his mouth sword.

20:1 And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having the key of the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand.

20:2 And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years,

20:3 And cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal upon him, that he should deceive the nations no more, till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be loosed a little season.

-So an angel binds Satan the dragon (so who the hell was the beast and the false prophet?) and casts him into the bottomless pit for 1000 years, then released him.

[Image: michaelangel.jpg]

20:7 And when the thousand years are expired, Satan shall be loosed out of his prison,

20:8 And shall go out to deceive the nations which are in the four quarters of the earth, Gog, and Magog, to gather them together to battle: the number of whom is as the sand of the sea.

20:9 And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them.

20:10 And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.

-So if it's already known what Satan will do when released, why the imprisonment in the first place? Why not just immediately cast him into the fire? And what I'm gathering from this is that God was the one who created the lake of fire, where many many of his followers will eventually end up. So why is Satan the bad guy? He's just another dude who got fucked over by God on a power trip, same as the rest of us.

20:12 And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.

20:15 And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.

-God is a pretentious, condescending prick who will throw you into the fire he created if you aren't on his VIP list.

21:1 And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.

21:2 And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

21:9 And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb's wife.

21:10 And he carried me away in the spirit to a great and high mountain, and shewed me that great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God,

-So his wife is the city of Jerusalem, which is gushes on and on about how great the city is as it descends. So after the great bloody apocalypse, we start over again? Sounds like a nightmare.

22:6 And he said unto me, These sayings are faithful and true: and the Lord God of the holy prophets sent his angel to shew unto his servants the things which must shortly be done.

22:7 Behold, I come quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the sayings of the prophecy of this book.

22:16 I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star.

22:18 For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:

22:19 And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

22:20 He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.

22:21 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

-So let me see if I understand all this. A man who's been exiled to a desolate island suddenly has this vision. A vision of such importance that he would be allowed back into civilization to spread word of this vision. In fact, to NOT hear about this vision would damn you to hell. Interesting how the timing of the vision coincided with his desire to get off the island. Why the fuck would anyone believe anything in that rambling incoherent acid trip story we just witnessed? Talking creatures with several eyes and horns and crowns and dragons and angelic cavalry warfare. Fantastic.

[Image: Archangel_Michael.jpg]

[Image: Revelation-620x320.jpg]

(I've finally done it! I'll get some sleep, then tomorrow I'll add a Conclusion section to sum up the New Testament and all we've learned. Might I now make a humble request? That this post be stickied to the top so these 20 pages don't fade into obscurity?)

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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