An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
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03-06-2011, 12:51 AM (This post was last modified: 03-06-2011 01:05 AM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: psalms_2.jpg]

Fuck that shit. Psalms is 150 chapters long.

Alright fine. But since this isn't "the word of God" but rather a collection of poems for God, I'm gonna skim it for the gems.

6:5 For in death there is no remembrance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks?

-Another OT shout out to the lack of an afterlife. We should praise the Lord as much as we can in life, because we can't praise if we're dead.

-20 chapters praising God's ability to fly around burning unbelievers with his wraith and blowing angry winds with his nostrils-

23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

23:2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

23:3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

23:5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

-I addressed this in another post. The shepherd does not tend his sheep because he loves them and wants only good things for them. He tends them so that they are ready for the slaughter. But I guess a poem likes this:

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He feedeth me and giveth me water until I am fat and meaty.
He leadeth me up with a loving touch into a slaughterhouse.
I follow willingly, for I shall not question.
He choppeth off my head, cut me into pieces, and feasteth on my flesh.
He weareth mine flesh as a new shirt."

wouldn't be met with the same adoration.

[Image: sheep%201.jpg]

(This is the greatest drawing of a sheep EVER)

-More run of the mill cultist fervor. Claiming of all the horrible ways God can disperse with the wicked. Religious people patting themselves on the back for having such a great and wise ruler-

37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth;

-I'm confused. I know that Psalms is supposedly written by a plethora of authors, including those that wrote the NT... but is this a quote from Jesus or did Jesus use this in his speech? I'm only baffled because I'm constantly getting told by Old Testament dismissing Christians that the things Jesus said were groundbreaking and there was never a more insightful man. But if he's just rehashing the verses from the OT, then he's nothing special.

37:29 The righteous shall inherit the land, and dwell therein for ever.

-I thought the meek would inherit the earth? I smell a religious war coming, between the righteous and the meek. Something tells me the righteous will prevail.

53:1 The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. Corrupt are they, and have done abominable iniquity: there is none that doeth good.

53:2 God looked down from heaven upon the children of men, to see if there were any that did understand, that did seek God.

53:3 Every one of them is gone back: they are altogether become filthy; there is none that doeth good, no, not one.

53:4 Have the workers of iniquity no knowledge? who eat up my people as they eat bread: they have not called upon God.

-A wonderful poem about atheists. We are fools who do no good. Not a single good thing. And am I reading that last line correct? We eat religious people? Is this the origin of the baby sandwich?

Lots of disturbing passages about showing no mercy to the heathens and the righteous celebrating the vengeance of God by washing their feet in the blood of the wicked.

-Let's stop pretending that this is some sort of moral building, family value enriching social club. It's an animal sacrificing, bloodthirsty cult who delights in the demise of others.

68:17 The chariots of God are twenty thousand, even thousands of angels: the Lord is among them

-It's a good thing the Lord uses such outdated weaponry. And only a few thousand? I think we could take him.

74:12 For God is my King of old, working salvation in the midst of the earth.

74:13 Thou didst divide the sea by thy strength: thou brakest the heads of the dragons in the waters.

74:14 Thou brakest the heads of leviathan in pieces, and gavest him to be meat to the people inhabiting the wilderness.

[Image: 482px-Destruction_of_Leviathan.png]

74:17 Thou hast set all the borders of the earth

75:3 The earth and all the inhabitants thereof are dissolved: I bear up the pillars of it

...the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved

...all the foundations of the earth are out of course.

- Ah, the earth, with all its borders and pillars. A great day for theist scientists everywhere.

79:5 How long, LORD? wilt thou be angry for ever? shall thy jealousy burn like fire?

79:6 Pour out thy wrath upon the heathen that have not known thee, and upon the kingdoms that have not called upon thy name.

-Why don't you cool it every once in a while, Lord? Maybe go punish someone else, you know, maybe the ones who actually deserve your anger?

Christ, I'm only on chapter 84!

92:10 But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an unicorn

-The Bible has mentioned unicorns about 20 times now. You gotta think, if it REALLY was referring to animals with one horns, like a rhinoceros, WHY are they constantly praising and comparing godly things to it? Did they really hold the rhinoceros on such a high pedestal?

104:2 Who coverest thyself with light as with a garment: who stretchest out the heavens like a curtain:

-(From AnnoSkept) Galileo cited this verse in his "Letter to the Grand Duchess Christina" saying, "Astronomers seem to declare what is contrary to Scripture, for they hold the heavens to be spherical, while the Scripture calls it 'stretched out like a curtain.'" He argued, following Augustine, that the Church should avoid interpreting such passages in a way that might later conflict with scientific understanding. Unfortunately, the Church did not take his advice.

117:1 O praise the LORD, all ye nations: praise him, all ye people.

117:2 For his merciful kindness is great toward us: and the truth of the LORD endureth for ever. Praise ye the LORD.

- ...that's it. That's the whole chapter. Apparently whoever was given 117 as a homework assignment didn't take it too seriously and made it up 5 minutes before handing it in.

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we're given
Use them and let's start trying
To make it a place worth living in

-Wait. Those are Phil Collins lyrics. Sorry, it's late and I'm 136 chapters deep. Although... those are better moral teachings than anything I've seen so far in the Bible.

All praise be to Phil Collins!

[Image: phil_collins.jpg]

137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

-This verse... I've tried to use it in context with the rest of the chapter, I've tried to consider it as a metaphor, or look for a possible mistranslation. I got nothing. Dash your babies against the stones... and you'll be happy.

-Alright I had to know, so I googled it. And the most common rebuttal is that this quote is "taken out of context" ??? Alright, here's the verse before it:

137:8 O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.

Quote from a preacher:

"The scriptures are talking of Babylon the city of evil spoken of in Revelation and as for the scripture of the little ones, many scholars believe and i agree... it is speaking of the women of "babylon" having abortions"

-Apparently it's just payback to the "evil city of Babylon" by smashing their babies against the rocks. But does that make anyone happy?

[Image: 5ZxXQ.jpg]

And I'm the immoral one?

147:4 He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names.

-Wow. Considering the trillion billion gabazillion stars, hopefully he just calls them Star 1, Star 2, etc or he's in trouble.

148:7 Praise the LORD from the earth, ye dragons, and all deeps:

[Image: dragonnews_bible1.jpg]

This whole chapter has just been a giant death wish for all heathens. Please, Lord, burn this person and break this person's teeth from their head and mercilessly smite this person, while we faithful dance and wash ourselves in their blood.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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03-06-2011, 09:16 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(03-06-2011 12:51 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  147:4 He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names.

-Wow. Considering the trillion billion gabazillion stars, hopefully he just calls them Star 1, Star 2, etc or he's in trouble.
I did the math. And if my calculations are correct, if you were to name star one "A", star two "B", star 27 "AA", star 27 "AB", star 53 "AAA", and so on, you'd end up going to 17 character names. Star "AILEJVQIPDILTXKGI", welcome home honey! And that's with only visible stars.

I don't believe Jesus is the son of God until I see the long form birth certificate!
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03-06-2011, 11:03 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
So, I have an iPhone and I have a free bible app. It's a very useful app, I can look up any verse in many translations. Sometimes I look up the same verse you are putting here. What translation are you using? I find the most similar in the American standard and amplified versions. They still have 'dragon'. None use unicorn that I have- it uses wild beast, strong Ox or Bull. The catholic bible doesn't even use all verses, the cut a lot out. There was no psalm 92:10. King James and other newer models have completely different translations, or rather interpretations. Older ones are so ye ol English that some sentences look like another language.
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03-06-2011, 01:45 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
I use the KJV because in my opinion that was the last English version before they started making "modern day alterations" to become more accessible. Every time I post a verse on FB, I get a lot of "where did you get that? My version says this..."

Of course the version they're using is something like the "Daily Living Bible"

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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04-06-2011, 01:34 AM (This post was last modified: 04-06-2011 01:39 AM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: proverbs.jpg]

1:1 The proverbs of Solomon the son of David, king of Israel;

-Right off the bat, you're lying to me. (SAB) "The book of Proverbs was written several centuries after Solomon supposedly lived. So it wasn't written by Solomon. It was forged by someone who claimed to be Solomon."

-Proverbs is referred to as Wisdom Literature, since it is the wise teachings of Solomon (even though he's apparently already dead), and remember; Solomon was the wisest man in all the land-

1:10 My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not.

1:11 If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause:

-Because that's what sinners say, right? "Come on, let's go ambush someone just to see them bleed. And then let's go wreak havoc on the innocent for absolutely no reason! It will be a fun afternoon."

1:26 I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh;

1:27 When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you.

1:28 Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me:

-God is more interested in mocking your pitiful cries than forgiving you. You shall call upon me, but I won't answer? Isn't that the opposite of what Christianity teaches? That it's never too late to ask for forgiveness?

3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

-Ah, the cornerstone of Christianity. Just trust in the Lord and stop trying to figure things out. I realize that the Bible says giants, dragons, witches, and unicorns... but don't try to understand all that, just TRUST me.

To be fair, there are smatterings of ACTUAL wise teachings that I've been skipping over. Here are some of the good ones.

1:8 My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother:

2:2 So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;

2:10 When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul;
2:11 Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee:

3:13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.

-The strange thing is, just after all this praising of wisdom and understanding, it uses the verse listed above about NOT trying to understand. Either way, Christians certainly aren't the intellectual standard bearers of our society.

3:35 The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.

-More promoting of wisdom and dismissing of fools. I think I'm going to start quoting these when theists try to use Creationist arguments. I'll prove the age of the earth with astronomy, and then use the verse above and go "Proverbs 3:35" all smugly just to piss them off on several levels.

[Image: ar121881906294243.jpg]

4:5 Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not;

4:7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

-Ok, at this point you're just being redundant. It's not a "wise teaching from the wisest man on earth" if it's just chapter after chapter of "you should strive to be wise... cause wisdom is good... so get wisdom... and keep it... oh, and also, understanding... you should get that too."

5:18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.

5:19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

-Wiser words were never spoken. I'm starting to embrace the wisdom now. If you'll excuse me, I have some ravishing and some breasts waiting to satisfy me.

-Back. No luck. She has a headache (I don't actually have a wife... but the random stranger who I tried to ravish claimed to have a headache).

9:10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.

-Oh NOW I see. The theist version of wisdom and understanding is completely different than mine. Here I am trying to understand the ways of the world and expand my mind to the different ideologies and concepts, even learning a new language or two, when really to be wise I just had to fearfully subjugate myself to the Lord. No wonder they're praising "wisdom" every other verse.

[Image: wisdom-green-sign.jpeg]

(In reference to giving in to whorish women)

9:17 Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.

9:18 But he knoweth not that the dead are there; and that her guests are in the depths of hell.

-That was damn near Shakespearean. Love of wisdom, hatred of women, and a love of titties. Keep it up Proverbs, I'm becoming a fan.

10:13 In the lips of him that hath understanding wisdom is found: but a rod is for the back of him that is void of understanding.

-Seriously. I get it. Wisdom good. Understanding good. Can we move it along please?

10:18 He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool.

[Image: fox-20081027-newsroom.jpg]

11:12 He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.

12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

- Nice

Interspersed with all this wisdom and understanding... are just descriptions of the righteous and the wicked. Along the lines of "the righteous will inherit this; the wicked won't inherit anything. The righteous only desire to do right; the wicked only do evil. The righteous will live long prosperous lives, while the wicked man shall starve."

13:20 He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.

-Well come on now. Some of my best friends are morons, but that doesn't mean I should stop talking to them. I'm sorry dude, you're just not wise enough to be my friend.

13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

-There's a bunch of verses in the Bible that sound like the "spare the rod, spoil the child" line but none of them actually say that. Same message and all. Though I'm not sure that "not beating your son" equates to hating him.

[Image: spare_the_rod_and_spoil_the_child_photo_...5B1%5D.jpg]

14:8 The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way: but the folly of fools is deceit.

15:2 The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.

-Truly words of incredible insight. Fools... speak foolishness. Deep.

15:7 The lips of the wise disperse knowledge: but the heart of the foolish doeth not so.

-The wise are wise, the foolish are fools. THIS TRULY IS THE WORK OF GENIUSES!

15:14 The heart of him that hath understanding seeketh knowledge: but the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness.


16:4 The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil.

-God made wicked people so he could punish them.

16:16 How much better is it to get wisdom than gold! and to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver!

-That's it! From now on, I'm putting all the rehashed wisdom/understanding lines here:

17:24 Wisdom is before him that hath understanding; but the eyes of a fool are in the ends of the earth.
17:27 He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.
18:2 A fool hath no delight in understanding
19:8 He that getteth wisdom loveth his own soul: he that keepeth understanding shall find good.
23:23 Buy the truth, and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding.
...I gave up posting them all when I realized I might as well quote the whole book.

16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

-Has been twisted around to make a sexier sounding expression to be used as lines in movies about demons and priests and Al Pacino.

[Image: devils.jpg]

19:18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.

-Beat your child and don't stop just because he's crying.

20:2 The fear of a king is as the roaring of a lion: whoso provoketh him to anger sinneth against his own soul.

-It's a sin to anger your king. So stop criticizing Obama... it's a sin.

[Image: laden.jpg]

(What the hell is with these pics, you ask? It's my thread, I can post whatever I want. But seriously, I've just been spending too much time at

20:24 Man's goings are of the LORD; how can a man then understand his own way?

-So wait. Now you're telling me that we CAN'T understand our ways, though we would clearly be wise to do so.

20:27 The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly.

20:30 The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.

-Ummmmm. What?

21:9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

-True that.

21:19 It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

-And again.

22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

-Finally. The first wise thing this "book of wisdom" has presented so far.

22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

-Christ! I already beat my kid to save his soul and because I love him, now I'm beating him to make him smarter?

[Image: 6a00e55188bf7a883401156f47495c970c-800wi]

23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.

23:14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

-I said beat that little bastard! Don't worry, he's not going to die from it.
(There's a lot of seriously disturbed "beaten children" pics that I could post, but I'm here to analyze and inform, not make you vomit)

23:27 For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit.

23:28 She also lieth in wait as for a prey, and increaseth the transgressors among men.

-Those damn whores with their deep ditches, deceiving us otherwise righteous men into damnation.

24:17 Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth:

-Alright Proverbs. That's two. I'll chalk you up for saying two worthwhile things at this point.

27:15 A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

-I don't know what you mean... but I'm assuming it's more hate-speech towards women.

[Image: bitchy.jpg]

28:9 He that turneth away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer shall be abomination.

-Assuming the "law" is the commandments of Moses or God's law. So even if you live a good life and pray to God, he will ignore you for not doing as He commands.

28:21 To have respect of persons is not good: for for a piece of bread that man will transgress.

-I'm having fun googling these verses just to see how massively they've been altered to seem more friendly.

"Showing partiality is never good, yet some will do wrong for a mere piece of bread."

"It is not good to have respect for a man's position: for a man will do wrong for a bit of bread."

29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.

[Image: Cute-Baby-girl-boy-asleep-so-Hard-photo-01.jpg]

-There. I beat my child unconscious. Is she wise yet? Because she appears to have brain damage.

30:17 The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it.

-So now birds are going to eat out the eyes of my child.

31:3 Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.

[Image: media_httpimgurcomtph_ogfJc.jpg.scaled1000.jpg]

So I'm assuming this is called wisdom literature because it mentions the word "wisdom" EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE. Not because it offers us anything wise. The wise are full of wisdom and the righteous do that which is right. Conversely, the foolish do foolish things and the wicked will die horribly and alone because they are wicked. Let us all reflect on the divinely inspired, thought provoking, Mensa manual that is "The Book of Proverbs." Truly it will take years of contemplation and volumes full of calculations scribbled by scholars to comprehend this complex ingenuity of morals.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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04-06-2011, 07:49 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Just in to say huge THANK YOU for this enormous and great job!

"Never underestimate how narrow-minded, petty and stupid people can be". Mark Fulton, forum member
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05-06-2011, 11:09 PM (This post was last modified: 17-06-2011 08:08 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: fish.png]

Short one, let's knock it out like I knocked out my child in Proverbs.

[Image: SuperPunchOutInline_1238429334.jpg]

1:5 The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.

-(SAB) "Although this verse is interpreted figuratively today, it was taken literally by virtually all Christians until the Copernican revolution, and was used by the Church to condemn Galileo for teaching the heliocentric heresy."

1:6 The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits.

1:7 All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.

-Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication.

The author (supposedly Solomon) goes on a "sad but true" rant about how all that we accomplish on earth is meaningless and vain.

2:17 Therefore I hated life; because the work that is wrought under the sun is grievous unto me: for all is vanity and vexation of spirit.

2:18 Yea, I hated all my labour which I had taken under the sun: because I should leave it unto the man that shall be after me.

2:19 And who knoweth whether he shall be a wise man or a fool? yet shall he have rule over all my labour wherein I have laboured, and wherein I have shewed myself wise under the sun. This is also vanity.

3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;


-Turn turn turn.

3:12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

3:13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

-Eat, drink, and be merry. The motto of life.

[Image: 10-reasons-to-drink-beer-1.jpg]

5:15 As he came forth of his mother's womb, naked shall he return to go as he came, and shall take nothing of his labour, which he may carry away in his hand.

5:18 Behold that which I have seen: it is good and comely for one to eat and to drink, and to enjoy the good of all his labour that he taketh under the sun all the days of his life, which God giveth him: for it is his portion.

-Still going on about how everything we have and do is meaningless, so just enjoy life.

7:3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.

7:4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

-Starting to veer into emo-speech now. Ah man, it's better to feel pain because that's the only true way to grow.

7:15 All things have I seen in the days of my vanity: there is a just man that perisheth in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man that prolongeth his life in his wickedness.

-Why do bad things happen to good people?

8:15 Then I commended mirth, because a man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry: for that shall abide with him of his labour the days of his life, which God giveth him under the sun.

-A paragraph of ideas stretched out into 11 chapters. What we do in life is "vain" and we should enjoy the time we are given here on earth. There's also a lot of "what's the point? We'll never understand the workings of the world, so why try?" utterances.

9:5 For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten.

9:6 Also their love, and their hatred, and their envy, is now perished; neither have they any more a portion for ever in any thing that is done under the sun.

9:7 Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart;

-It's pretty much obvious that the OT authors didn't believe in an afterlife. Oh, and also... eat, drink, and be merry. In case you had forgotten.

[Image: Formerly_Obese_Man.jpg]

9:10 Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might;for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.

-Whatever your chosen path in life, do it with all your heart.

9:11 I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

9:12 For man also knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are taken in an evil net, and as the birds that are caught in the snare; so are the sons of men snared in an evil time, when it falleth suddenly upon them.

-How did this book make it into the Bible? This is far too observant and rational to be placed with these other books. Time and chance? I thought those concepts were scoffed at by evolution-hating theists?

11:8 But if a man live many years, and rejoice in them all; yet let him remember the days of darkness; for they shall be many. All that cometh is vanity.

11:9 Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment.

11:10 Therefore remove sorrow from thy heart, and put away evil from thy flesh: for childhood and youth are vanity.

Well, apart from the Emo vibe and the constant reminders to eat, drink, and be merry, this was the FIRST book in the Bible that wasn't ridiculous.

Congrats, Ecclesiastes. You are the very first book to receive my:

[Image: 456474931_0356ba4a8d.jpg]

...wait, no that's the seal for my "other" forum.

Here you go!

[Image: seal-of-approval.jpg]

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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14-06-2011, 10:09 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: SongOfSolomon.jpg]

The Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs, or Song of Songs of Solomon, depending on how Jewish you want to delve) is supposedly written by Solomon (though again, it was written hundreds of years after he was already dead), and is quite disturbing. It's a sort of love poem to a woman, but it's only 8 chapters long and mentions her breasts about once a chapter, as well as some other nonsensical poetry.

1:5 I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon.

1:6 Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.

-I'm sure they're using the term "black" to mean actually black and not negro, but still this passage struck me as strange.

4:1 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.

4:2 Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.

4:3 Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.

4:4 Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.

-What women wouldn't want to hear that she looks like goats, sheep, and a tower?

5:4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.

-I.... I got nothing.

7:1 How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.

7:2 Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.

7:3 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.

7:4 Thy neck is as a tower of ivory; thine eyes like the fishpools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bathrabbim: thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus.

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7:7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

7:8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;

-Like any man trying to write poetry, his mind keeps drifting back to the moon balloons.

8:1 O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.

8:2 I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.

-Wait... if you were my brother sucking my mom's nips, I wouldn't mind? "Juice of my pomegranate?" What the hell is going on with this book?

8:8 We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?

8:10 I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.

-My sister's chesticles are small compared to my massive towers.

Short, confusing, and a little perverted. Perfect book to be included in the word of the Lord.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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14-06-2011, 02:20 PM (This post was last modified: 14-06-2011 02:23 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
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1:11 To what purpose is the multitude of your sacrifices unto me? saith the LORD: I am full of the burnt offerings of rams, and the fat of fed beasts; and I delight not in the blood of bullocks, or of lambs, or of he goats.

1:13 Bring no more vain oblations; incense is an abomination unto me; the new moons and sabbaths, the calling of assemblies, I cannot away with; it is iniquity, even the solemn meeting.

1:14 Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hateth: they are a trouble unto me; I am weary to bear them.

-Suddenly, God completely goes against everything he stood for in the previous 22 Books. "You know how I commanded you all to sacrifice animals to me constantly? Well now I hate it... and I hate incense... and gatherings."

And also, God has a soul and becomes weary.

1:18 Come now, and let us reason together...

-Who is this and what did you do with the real God? God doesn't reason with people, he commands them and punishes them mercilessly when they fail to meet his standards. Is this God's cousin, Todd, filling in for him?

1:19 If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land:

1:20 But if ye refuse and rebel, ye shall be devoured with the sword: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.

-Oops, nevermind. There he is.

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3:1 For, behold, the Lord, the LORD of hosts, doth take away from Jerusalem and from Judah the stay and the staff, the whole stay of bread, and the whole stay of water.

-God settles back into his old habits of threatening terrible things if people don't listen to him for a few chapters.

3:12 As for my people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O my people, they which lead thee cause thee to err, and destroy the way of thy paths.

-Women in power = ungodly abomination

3:16 Moreover the LORD saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet:

3:24 And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth; and burning instead of beauty.

-Because women are such blatant whores, God will make people ugly, bald, and smelly.

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(Quit being such a whore, Jasmine)

4:1 And in that day seven women shall take hold of one man, saying, We will eat our own bread, and wear our own apparel: only let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach.

-(SAB) After God takes away women's jewelry and perfume, "discovers their secret parts," and makes them all bald and stinking, he'll kill their husbands. Women will then become so desperate that "seven women will take hold of one man, saying ... let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach."

-Lessons of the Bible: Women are whores.

6:1 In the year that king Uzziah died I saw also the LORD sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple.

6:5 Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.

6:6 Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar:

6:7 And he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.

-First, God doesn't fit well in a Democracy. There are no thrones and the President of Presidents doesn't have the same ring to it. "Behold I saw the Lord in a 3 piece suit giving a speech on tax cuts, and Yay, the angels were controlling the teleprompter."

-Second... what does coal touching someone's lips have to do with sin or anything? And why did an angel have to use tongs? Angels can be burned by earthly fire?

[Image: 180px-Isaiah%27s_Lips_Anointed_with_Fire.jpg]

7:14 Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.

-See! It says right there! PROPHECY!! Of course... "virgin" in this case was a mistranslation of "young woman" and Jesus... was never called Immanuel... or any variation of the name. So a young woman will have a son and name him Immanuel... sometime in the future... A MIRACLE!!

8:3 And I went unto the prophetess; and she conceived, and bare a son. Then said the LORD to me, Call his name Mahershalalhashbaz.

-Wow. We were just going to call him Tim or something simple, but ok, Mahahafdjhfdjkshfiusehfieu it is. Prepare for a life of ridicule.

9:18 For wickedness burneth as the fire: it shall devour the briers and thorns, and shall kindle in the thickets of the forest, and they shall mount up like the lifting up of smoke.

9:19 Through the wrath of the LORD of hosts is the land darkened, and the people shall be as the fuel of the fire: no man shall spare his brother.

9:20 And he shall snatch on the right hand, and be hungry; and he shall eat on the left hand, and they shall not be satisfied: they shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm:

-God doing what he does best, describing the horrible things he will do to the wicked, including God-induced cannibalism.

10:28 He is come to Aiath, he is passed to Migron; at Michmash he hath laid up his carriages:

10:29 They are gone over the passage: they have taken up their lodging at Geba; Ramah is afraid; Gibeah of Saul is fled.

10:30 Lift up thy voice, O daughter of Gallim: cause it to be heard unto Laish, O poor Anathoth.

10:31 Madmenah is removed; the inhabitants of Gebim gather themselves to flee.

-At least 80% of the Bible could be described as "filler material." The message of this book was SO important to God that he crossed over into our realm and "inspired" specific men to write the divine pages. And yet, only a handful of passages contribute anything of value. The rest is rambling nonsense. Which is the perfect way to deter the illiterate populace of the time from reading it.

11:8 And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den.

-Ah, the cockatrice. The legendary rooster headed dragon that seems to have stopped existing around the same time logic became popular.

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God, while telling of how he will destroy existence when the time comes, says that he will destroy the universe and shake the heavens and make the sun and the moon stop giving light and says:

13:15 Every one that is found shall be thrust through; and every one that is joined unto them shall fall by the sword.

13:16 Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished.

-I'll kill everyone that I find, smash your children to pieces in front of you, and rape your wives. Is all that really necessary God?

While claiming that Babylon will never be inhabited again after the Lord's army is done killing everything, he says:

13:21 But wild beasts of the desert shall lie there; and their houses shall be full of doleful creatures; and owls shall dwell there, and satyrs shall dance there.

13:22 And the wild beasts of the islands shall cry in their desolate houses, and dragons in their pleasant palaces: and her time is near to come, and her days shall not be prolonged.

-People may not inhabit Babylon, but those damn satyrs and dragons will be abundant.

[Image: Satyr.jpg]

16:11 Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.

-It's great that you can make your farts sound like a harp, but I don't see how that's relevant to anything.

17:1 The burden of Damascus. Behold, Damascus is taken away from being a city, and it shall be a ruinous heap.

-Swing and a miss.

19:1 The burden of Egypt. Behold, the LORD rideth upon a swift cloud, and shall come into Egypt: and the idols of Egypt shall be moved at his presence, and the heart of Egypt shall melt in the midst of it.

19:2 And I will set the Egyptians against the Egyptians: and they shall fight every one against his brother, and every one against his neighbour; city against city, and kingdom against kingdom.

-God will ride to earth on his cloud of justice and war and more war and killing and always war...

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19:14-19:24 are all unfulfilled prophecies from the Lord

There are 66 chapters in Isaiah and about 64 of them are boring.

24:1 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty, and maketh it waste, and turneth it upside down, and scattereth abroad the inhabitants thereof.

24:20 The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard, and shall be removed like a cottage; and the transgression thereof shall be heavy upon it; and it shall fall, and not rise again.

-A chapter or two about God's apocalypse.

27:1 In that day the LORD with his sore and great and strong sword shall punish leviathan the piercing serpent, even leviathan that crooked serpent; and he shall slay the dragon that is in the sea.

-Strange. This sounds like a work of fiction, yet people tell me otherwise.

30:6 The burden of the beasts of the south: into the land of trouble and anguish, from whence come the young and old lion, the viper and fiery flying serpent...

30:22 Ye shall defile also the covering of thy graven images of silver, and the ornament of thy molten images of gold: thou shalt cast them away as a menstruous cloth; thou shalt say unto it, Get thee hence.

-I'll throw you out like a tampon. Gross.

34:2 For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies: he hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter.

34:3 Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood.

34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

-And so on and so on. You know how it goes by now, people. Blood and slaughters and death, yada yada.

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34:7 And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.

34:13 And thorns shall come up in her palaces, nettles and brambles in the fortresses thereof: and it shall be an habitation of dragons, and a court for owls.

34:14 The wild beasts of the desert shall also meet with the wild beasts of the island, and the satyr shall cry to his fellow; the screech owl also shall rest there, and find for herself a place of rest.

43:20 The beast of the field shall honour me, the dragons and the owls: because I give waters in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people, my chosen.

-The Bible's 10,785th (roughly) shout out to unicorns, dragons, and mythical creatures.

Isaiah retells the story of Hezekiah and the angel that killed an army while they slept and so on... probably while using large font and double spacing so that he can meet the page number requirement as put forth by Professor Jehovah.

45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.

-Well... in no uncertain terms, God clears up something that's still debated. I, the LORD, create evil. A google search reveals that the Christian defense is that "evil" could have also been translated to mean "mischief" or "calamity" ...but I really don't see how that changes anything.

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49:26 And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine: and all flesh shall know that I the LORD am thy Saviour and thy Redeemer, the mighty One of Jacob.

-Again Lord, a bit excessive.

I skimmed the rest of Isaiah and didn't see anything that hasn't been mentioned 1000 times before (I am the Lord, I will kill this and slaughter this and curse this and destroy this... and dragons... and cockatrices... and the foundations of the earth... the usual.

Bloody Warfare Promotion vs Divine Moral Guide count:
22 - 1

(Ecclesiastes was alright)

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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17-06-2011, 06:48 PM (This post was last modified: 17-06-2011 08:18 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Alright, here we go. We're entering into the realm of "Books of the Bible no one ever mentions." The Hoseas and Haggais of the Holy Book of Death.

[Image: jeremiah+1.jpg]

1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

-The motto of abortion protestors everywhere.

God talks to Jeremiah when he is just a child and says:

1:10 See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant.

-Get em while they're young, God? And once again, God continues his 4000 year old game of toy soldiers, plotting his strategic takeover of several kingdoms.

God tells Jeremiah to go forth and tell the people living in Jerusalem that they are worthless and that God is the one who has given them all they have... while also referring to the women as "harlots" who act like "donkeys in heat."

-God continues to verbally abuse the people of Jerusalem through Jeremiah, calling them whores who don't deserve him-

"If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man's, shall he return unto her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but thou hast played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, saith the LORD."

"and thou hast polluted the land with thy whoredoms"

"and thou hadst a whore's forehead, thou refusedst to be ashamed."

"and there hath played the harlot."

"yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also"

"And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks."

-All this in the span of 9 verses. Seems someone is infatuated with whores.

[Image: jesus_whores.jpg]

Jeremiah tries to rally the people of Jerusalem to accept God once again and prepare for battle against evil, but it doesn't seem to work. He questions God's terrorist methods of recruitment:

5:3 O LORD, are not thine eyes upon the truth? thou hast stricken them, but they have not grieved; thou hast consumed them, but they have refused to receive correction: they have made their faces harder than a rock; they have refused to return.

5:11 For the house of Israel and the house of Judah have dealt very treacherously against me, saith the LORD.

5:12 They have belied the LORD, and said, It is not he; neither shall evil come upon us; neither shall we see sword nor famine:

5:13 And the prophets shall become wind, and the word is not in them: thus shall it be done unto them.

-Israel and Judah have discovered that God isn't real, and that regardless of whether they believe or not, nothing bad will happen to them.

So God decides to overthrow his "chosen people" and make them into slaves.

5:15 Lo, I will bring a nation upon you from far, O house of Israel, saith the LORD: it is a mighty nation, it is an ancient nation, a nation whose language thou knowest not, neither understandest what they say.

5:17 And they shall eat up thine harvest, and thy bread, which thy sons and thy daughters should eat: they shall eat up thy flocks and thine herds: they shall eat up thy vines and thy fig trees: they shall impoverish thy fenced cities, wherein thou trustedst, with the sword.

5:19 And it shall come to pass, when ye shall say, Wherefore doeth the LORD our God all these things unto us? then shalt thou answer them, Like as ye have forsaken me, and served strange gods in your land, so shall ye serve strangers in a land that is not your's.

-Even the most historically loyal followers of God feel his wrath. God demands attention like a 16 year old girl and doesn't like to be ignored.

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5:23 But this people hath a revolting and a rebellious heart; they are revolted and gone.

5:24 Neither say they in their heart, Let us now fear the LORD our God, that giveth rain

-While God is standing on his pedestal, giving his monologue of terror, Jeremiah interrupts him and goes, "Uhhh, God? Everybody left already. And they don't seem to fear you either."

"Circumcise yourselves to the LORD, and take away the foreskins of your heart"

"behold, their ear is uncircumcised"

-I'm starting to wonder if we mistranslated the word "circumcise" at this point.

6:11 Therefore I am full of the fury of the LORD; I am weary with holding in: I will pour it out upon the children abroad, and upon the assembly of young men together: for even the husband with the wife shall be taken, the aged with him that is full of days.

6:12 And their houses shall be turned unto others, with their fields and wives together: for I will stretch out my hand upon the inhabitants of the land, saith the LORD.

-First, realize that this is the Lord talking. It's prefaced with "Thus sayeth the Lord of hosts" and ends with "saith the Lord." Now that we've established that the Lord himself is speaking, let's have a listen.

Therefore I am full of the fury of the LORD

God refers to himself in the third person... and as always, he's full of rage.

I am weary with holding in

The Lord is weary (he can become tired) of always holding back this boiling anger towards mankind.

I will pour it out upon the children abroad, and upon

So he decides to kill lots and lots of children, husbands, and elderly people simply to appease his rage. And then, just for fun, he'll give the houses of the dead to other people.

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7:17 Seest thou not what they do in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem?

7:18 The children gather wood, and the fathers kindle the fire, and the women knead their dough, to make cakes to the queen of heaven, and to pour out drink offerings unto other gods, that they may provoke me to anger.

-God (in an incredulous tone) goes, "Have you seen what they're doing in Judah and Jerusalem? Children gathering wood? Fathers making fires? Women making cakes for the queen of heaven? (?) Not on my watch!"

7:20 Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, mine anger and my fury shall be poured out upon this place, upon man, and upon beast, and upon the trees of the field, and upon the fruit of the ground; and it shall burn, and shall not be quenched.

7:21 Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Put your burnt offerings unto your sacrifices, and eat flesh.

-Eat your own goddamned burnt offerings. I am sick of them, saith the Lord. (SAB)

8:17 For, behold, I will send serpents, cockatrices, among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you, saith the LORD.


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9:4 Take ye heed every one of his neighbour, and trust ye not in any brother: for every brother will utterly supplant, and every neighbour will walk with slanders.

9:5 And they will deceive every one his neighbour, and will not speak the truth: they have taught their tongue to speak lies, and weary themselves to commit iniquity.

9:6 Thine habitation is in the midst of deceit; through deceit they refuse to know me, saith the LORD.

-Anyone who claims to not know me is deceitful and convinces himself with lies that I don't exist, therefore don't trust him because he lives his life through lies.

10:3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

10:4 They deck it with silver and with gold...

-God hates Christmas trees

12:1 Righteous art thou, O LORD, when I plead with thee: yet let me talk with thee of thy judgments: Wherefore doth the way of the wicked prosper? wherefore are all they happy that deal very treacherously?

-There go those arrogant humans again with their logic. Can't you see that God is busy destroying Israel, the land of the faithful?


13:1 Thus saith the LORD unto me, Go and get thee a linen girdle, and put it upon thy loins, and put it not in water.

13:2 So I got a girdle according to the word of the LORD, and put it on my loins.

13:3 And the word of the LORD came unto me the second time, saying,

13:4 Take the girdle that thou hast got, which is upon thy loins, and arise, go to Euphrates, and hide it there in a hole of the rock.

13:5 So I went, and hid it by Euphrates, as the LORD commanded me.

13:6 And it came to pass after many days, that the LORD said unto me, Arise, go to Euphrates, and take the girdle from thence, which I commanded thee to hide there.

13:7 Then I went to Euphrates, and digged, and took the girdle from the place where I had hid it: and, behold, the girdle was marred, it was profitable for nothing.

-Go get a girdle and hide it in a rock near the Euphrates river. You see! The girdle is destroyed! The point of all this?

13:10 This evil people, which refuse to hear my words, which walk in the imagination of their heart, and walk after other gods, to serve them, and to worship them, shall even be as this girdle, which is good for nothing.

13:11 For as the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so have I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah, saith the LORD;

-So that God can go: "Evil people will soon look like that tattered girdle, and I shall cleave them the way a girdle cleaves a man's balls.

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Skipping through more redundant passes "I am the Lord, I will slaughter these people" ..."they snuffed up the wind like dragons" ...along with God still delightfully plotting his revenge on Jerusalem, "I'm going to sell these people, then send a famine to these people."

-God rambles on for chapters going "I'm gonna do it! Any day now, I'm gonna kill everyone and they won't be mourned or buried and they will be a 'dung on the earth.' I'm super serious. Hey Jeremiah, don't get married or have kids because I'm about to kill every woman and child. (16:1-7) For realz."

16:10 And it shall come to pass, when thou shalt shew this people all these words, and they shall say unto thee, Wherefore hath the LORD pronounced all this great evil against us? or what is our iniquity? or what is our sin that we have committed against the LORD our God?

16:11 Then shalt thou say unto them, Because your fathers have forsaken me, saith the LORD

-You know that whole bit about "not punishing people for the sins of their fathers" I mentioned a few books ago? Forget it. I'm specifically killing all you because of your fathers' actions.


18:1 The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD, saying,

18:2 Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words.

18:3 Then I went down to the potter's house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels.

18:4 And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.

18:5 Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying,

18:6 O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the LORD. Behold, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.

-God uses an analogy where He is the bad potter and Israel is the mistake. And like a potter, He will reshape the clay of Israel until he fixes his mistake. Of course, a potter doesn't make little clay children shapes, breathe life into them, give them the ability to feel pain, and then stomp on them and set them on fire.

God has Jeremiah smash a pot to emphasize what the potter will soon do to the pottery. They arrest Jeremiah and put him in the stocks. So God goes off on everyone, calling his priests and prophets wicked liars.

23:11 For both prophet and priest are profane; yea, in my house have I found their wickedness, saith the LORD. (And pretty much the rest of chapter 23)

...while continuing to threaten everyone without actually doing anything.

24:2 One basket had very good figs, even like the figs that are first ripe: and the other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad.

-Yeah, tell those naughty figs how bad they've been. The Lord says that the figs are like the people, and he will save the good figs and destroy the evil figs. Seriously God, I get it. It's been 24 chapters of prophecy. Get to it already.

The king of Babylon attacks Jerusalem (finally) and before much fighting occurs, the Lord tells the people of Jerusalem to release all their slaves as a covenant with Babylon. So they do... and then promptly have the slaves caught and returned back into servitude. God gets pissed (not at slavery, but because they disobeyed him) and re-promises to do all those horrible things that he had been talking about this whole book.

-Jeremiah spends years in a Babylonian dungeon until Jerusalem is finally captured.

34:4 Yet hear the word of the LORD, O Zedekiah king of Judah; Thus saith the LORD of thee, Thou shalt not die by the sword:

34:5 But thou shalt die in peace: and with the burnings of thy fathers, the former kings which were before thee

-Lord to Zedekiah: I promise you shall die in peace

39:6 Then the king of Babylon slew the sons of Zedekiah in Riblah before his eyes: also the king of Babylon slew all the nobles of Judah.

39:7 Moreover he put out Zedekiah's eyes, and bound him with chains, to carry him to Babylon, and put him in prison till the day of his death (52:11).

-Lord to Zedekiah: But that doesn't mean we can't kill your sons in front of you, stab out your eyes, and drag you off to Babylonian dungeons until you die! Gotcha! Always read the fine print, buddy!

Jeremiah continues his job as God's messenger of destruction, going kingdom to kingdom, using Jerusalem as proof that he means business. The Lord also stops by Judah and says, "I'm not finished with you, Judah. Your women have learned nothing and are still whores and burn incense to the wrong gods. I'll be back."

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47:6 O thou sword of the LORD, how long will it be ere thou be quiet? put up thyself into thy scabbard, rest, and be still.

-Good question. When are you gonna stop this killing, Lord? Can you put your sword down for a few damn years?

48:10 Cursed be he that doeth the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood.

-Ah, so cursed be those televangelists and those that use religion for their own use... and cursed be the WHAT THE FUCK? Cursed be the pacifists? If you don't want to kill, stay out of God's army because he's in it for the blood.

-Admittedly, this is in reference to the coming destruction of Moab that the Lord is plotting, but does that really make it better? Even if he was wiping out the Nazis, should those who don't want to kill another human being be cursed?

The Lord then spends a page per kingdom describing how he's going to destroy and curse and plague it, including the Ammonites, the Babylonians, and Chaldeans.

51:20 Thou art my battle axe and weapons of war: for with thee will I break in pieces the nations, and with thee will I destroy kingdoms;

-Kind of seems like God has finally lost it and is just destroying with abandon now.

As usual, God is all talk and doesn't follow up on his threats. And isn't it strange that God has been fighting the same people this entire time? For an all-powerful being who desires nothing more than the destruction of kingdoms and the seizure of their lands... he seems to be hung up on these Moabites, Babylonians, Ammonites, Amalekites, and Philistines. You would think the entire Middle East would be one big country called Godville at this point.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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