An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
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17-06-2011, 07:06 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(03-06-2011 12:51 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  [Image: sheep%201.jpg]

(This is the greatest drawing of a sheep EVER)

Looks more like a pig to me. Wink Helluva task you've taken on here, brother. Bravo!

Breathing - it's more art than science.
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17-06-2011, 07:34 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
The Book
of

Lamentations


(The Book is so worthless I couldn't even find a pic for the title)


This book is 5 chapters LAMENTING (get it now?) the destruction of Jerusalem and Judah that took place in the Book of Jeremiah


1:8 Jerusalem hath grievously sinned; therefore she is removed: all that honoured her despise her, because they have seen her nakedness: yea, she sigheth, and turneth backward.

1:9 Her filthiness is in her skirts;

1:10 The adversary hath spread out his hand upon all her pleasant things:

the LORD hath trodden the virgin, the daughter of Judah, as in a winepress.

Jerusalem is as a menstruous woman


-Basically God just rips on the cities the entire book. "Ohhhhh, did you see what I did to Judah? Jerusalem is a whore and I totally RAPED that bitch!"



2:20 Behold, O LORD, and consider to whom thou hast done this. Shall the women eat their fruit, and children of a span long? shall the priest and the prophet be slain in the sanctuary of the Lord?

2:21 The young and the old lie on the ground in the streets: my virgins and my young men are fallen by the sword; thou hast slain them in the day of thine anger; thou hast killed, and not pitied.


-I'm not sure who exactly is speaking to the Lord, though they say the author and speaker is Jeremiah... though that would mean he had a HUGE change of heart since last time we saw him. But he basically calls God out for a page or two, going, "We are defeated and humbled! You win, are you satisfied!"

To which God responds, "Shut up, noob fag."


NEXT BOOK

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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18-06-2011, 12:40 AM (This post was last modified: 18-06-2011 11:14 AM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: 205-bible-lg.jpg]



Why am I doing these so fast? Because after this, there isn't a book longer than 15 chapters until I reach the NT. And I can't wait to meet Jesus.
This is also officially the last book I recognize in the OT.




1:1 Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, in the fifth day of the month, as I was among the captives by the river of Chebar, that the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God.

-Thirtieth year of what, exactly? It's certainly not 30 AD (Ezekiel lived around 590 BC) and the Julian calendar won't be used until 45 BC... so what the hell is he talking about? But anyways, Ezekiel starts hallucinating.



1:4 And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.

1:5 Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.

1:6 And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.

1:7 And their feet were straight feet; and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf's foot: and they sparkled like the colour of burnished brass.

1:8 And they had the hands of a man under their wings on their four sides; and they four had their faces and their wings.

1:9 Their wings were joined one to another; they turned not when they went; they went every one straight forward.

1:10 As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.

1:11 Thus were their faces: and their wings were stretched upward; two wings of every one were joined one to another, and two covered their bodies.


-Ezekiel sees creatures that have 4 wings and 4 heads (a human, lion, ox, and eagle head)



1:27 And I saw as the colour of amber, as the appearance of fire round about within it, from the appearance of his loins even upward, and from the appearance of his loins even downward, I saw as it were the appearance of fire, and it had brightness round about.

1:28 As the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud in the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness round about. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face, and I heard a voice of one that spake.


-Ezekiel checks out God's package, sees that it is on fire, and declares it to be the holiest of packages.



2:1 And he said unto me, Son of man, stand upon thy feet, and I will speak unto thee.

-Yes, Lord? What message do you have for me that you make such a grand entrance from heaven? What pearl of wisdom do you want to share to better the lives of your creations?

2:3 And he said unto me, Son of man, I send thee to the children of Israel, to a rebellious nation that hath rebelled against me: they and their fathers have transgressed against me, even unto this very day.

-Dammit God! This again!? All you care about is punishing those who mock you. How about instead of showing yourself and your crazy 4 headed beasts to ME... you go to Israel and convince them yourself?



2:9 And when I looked, behold, an hand was sent unto me; and, lo, a roll of a book was therein;

3:1 Moreover he said unto me, Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll, and go speak unto the house of Israel.

3:2 So I opened my mouth, and he caused me to eat that roll.

3:3 And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee.


-Here. Eat this scroll. It will fill your bowels like a mofo.


[Image: Raphael_Vision_Of_Ezekial_sm.jpg]
(Are those children clutching God's naked torso?)



3:7 But the house of Israel will not hearken unto thee; for they will not hearken unto me: for all the house of Israel are impudent and hardhearted.

-Sooooo, you already KNOW that the people of Israel won't listen to me? Why am going then?

God informs Zekey that if he doesn't go tell the people of Israel that they are evil, God will kill them all, including Zeke. If he tells them, they may all die, but Ezekiel will be spared.



4:1 Thou also, son of man, take thee a tile, and lay it before thee, and pourtray upon it the city, even Jerusalem:

4:2 And lay siege against it, and build a fort against it, and cast a mount against it; set the camp also against it, and set battering rams against it round about.


-But first, God makes Zeke build a model of a fort so that he can besiege it... which is a "sign that Israel will fall."



Then the Lord makes Zeke lie on his left side for 390 days to make up for "Israel's 390 years of iniquity" and then on his right side for 40 days for "Judah's 40 years of iniquity." Then he makes Zeke eat and drink a bunch of specific things in specific amounts to represent various things that other people committed against God.

-If you see God descending towards you from heaven, run. He's only looking to make you jump through hoops and deliver messages to far away lands.

4:12 And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

-Now eat these barley cakes made out of shit. Human shit. And I want you to do it in front of people.



[Image: Poop_Birthday_Cake_by_ShinseiTenshi.jpg]



5:1 And thou, son of man, take thee a sharp knife, take thee a barber's razor, and cause it to pass upon thine head and upon thy beard: then take thee balances to weigh, and divide the hair.

5:2 Thou shalt burn with fire a third part in the midst of the city, when the days of the siege are fulfilled: and thou shalt take a third part, and smite about it with a knife: and a third part thou shalt scatter in the wind; and I will draw out a sword after them.


-Now shave off your hair and beard and divide the pile into 3 parts. Burn one pile of hair in the middle of the city. Attack another pile with a knife. And throw the rest into a gust of wind.

Why are you doing this to me, God? What have I ever done to you? Are you THAT bored?




5:12 A third part of thee shall die with the pestilence, and with famine shall they be consumed in the midst of thee: and a third part shall fall by the sword round about thee; and I will scatter a third part into all the winds, and I will draw out a sword after them.

-God tries to justify the hair thing with a clumsy explanation. "You see... I'll kill a third with a sword like you knifed your hair... and then pestilence is kinda... like fire... it spreads... and then... the wind. (shrug)"



6:3 And say, Ye mountains of Israel, hear the word of the Lord GOD; Thus saith the Lord GOD to the mountains, and to the hills, to the rivers, and to the valleys; Behold, I, even I, will bring a sword upon you, and I will destroy your high places.

6:4 And your altars shall be desolate, and your images shall be broken: and I will cast down your slain men before your idols.

6:5 And I will lay the dead carcases of the children of Israel before their idols; and I will scatter your bones round about your altars.


-God starts doing what he does best. Shouting threats to anyone who will hear him. He does turn it up a notch there at the end.



7:2 Also, thou son of man, thus saith the Lord GOD unto the land of Israel; An end, the end is come upon the four corners of the land.

-Zekey runs around going "Awww shit, the world is gonna end, son!" (Notice the "four corners" line as well) With God following behind him spouting his hate-speech:

7:17 All hands shall be feeble, and all knees shall be weak as water.

7:25 Destruction cometh; and they shall seek peace, and there shall be none.

8:18 Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them.




God tells Ezekiel to go through the city of Jerusalem (I thought it was desolate and destroyed) and make a mark on anyone that cries out for an end to idol/other god worshiping. These are the only ones that will be saved from the massacre.

9:6 Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark; and begin at my sanctuary. Then they began at the ancient men which were before the house.

And the genocide was carried out by a group of soldiers helping Zeke.




The 4 headed creatures appear before Ezekiel again and... things get weird.

10:10 And as for their appearances, they four had one likeness, as if a wheel had been in the midst of a wheel.

10:12 And their whole body, and their backs, and their hands, and their wings, and the wheels, were full of eyes round about, even the wheels that they four had.

10:13 As for the wheels, it was cried unto them in my hearing, O wheel.


-So the creatures are wheels made of wheels, which are covered in eyes, and God yells "O Wheel!" at the wheels. Riiiiiiiight.



[Image: 5246ezekiel.jpg]



The spirits pick up Ezekiel and take him to the next place, the "Lord's house" (huh?) where 25 men are hanging out, so God has Zeke preach to them, and one of them falls over dead. Then God vows to kill the other 24 eventually and the spirits pick of Ezekiel again and take him to Babylon. Wow. What?



13:2 Son of man, prophesy against the prophets of Israel that prophesy, and say thou unto them that prophesy out of their own hearts, Hear ye the word of the LORD;

-Ehhhh. You lost me at prophesy.



13:18 And say, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to hunt souls! Will ye hunt the souls of my people, and will ye save the souls alive that come unto you?

13:20 Wherefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I am against your pillows, wherewith ye there hunt the souls to make them fly, and I will tear them from your arms, and will let the souls go, even the souls that ye hunt to make them fly.


-God hates... armpit pillows? And soul hunters? What is happening to coherent sentences?



God doing his usual standup routine: blood and plague and slay and sword and fire and more blood and suffering "and you will know that I am the LORD."


[Image: ezekial5.jpg]



16:3 And say, Thus saith the Lord GOD unto Jerusalem;

-God starts talking to Jerusalem as if it were a woman...

16:6 And when I passed by thee, and saw thee polluted in thine own blood, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live; yea, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live.

16:7 I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou wast naked and bare.

16:8 Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness: yea, I sware unto thee, and entered into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord GOD, and thou becamest mine.


-"So hey Jerusalem, I was walking by the other day and I was like whoa, you are COVERED in blood, but damn, nice breasts and hair. I think it's time for love, let me cover your nakedness with my skirt."

-And he goes on saying he "cleaned and dressed you, and put fine jewelry on you, and took care of you" ...even though I seem to remember it was the Lord who caused the blood in the first place. Like spouse abuse, the Lord punches Jerusalem in the face, but then cleans her up later.




The Lord then explains to her that she DID ask for it:

16:15 But thou didst trust in thine own beauty, and playedst the harlot because of thy renown, and pouredst out thy fornications on every one that passed by; his it was.

16:16 And of thy garments thou didst take, and deckedst thy high places with divers colours, and playedst the harlot thereupon: the like things shall not come, neither shall it be so.

16:17 Thou hast also taken thy fair jewels of my gold and of my silver, which I had given thee, and madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them.


-If you didn't have sex with everyone that walked by and take my gifts for granted, I wouldn't have to hit you, baby.

-This is becoming one of my favorite chapters in the Bible.


16:22 And in all thine abominations and thy whoredoms thou hast not remembered the days of thy youth, when thou wast naked and bare, and wast polluted in thy blood.

16:26 Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy neighbours, great of flesh; and hast increased thy whoredoms, to provoke me to anger.


-Remember your youthful days, Jerusalem, when you went and slept with the big-dicked Egyptians (great of flesh)? This is fantastic. God himself is describing his intimate moments with this whore of a city.


16:28 Thou hast played the whore also with the Assyrians, because thou wast unsatiable; yea, thou hast played the harlot with them, and yet couldest not be satisfied.

16:29 Thou hast moreover multiplied thy fornication in the land of Canaan unto Chaldea; and yet thou wast not satisfied therewith.

16:30 How weak is thine heart, saith the LORD GOD, seeing thou doest all these things, the work of an imperious whorish woman;

16:32 But as a wife that committeth adultery, which taketh strangers instead of her husband!

16:33 They give gifts to all whores: but thou givest thy gifts to all thy lovers, and hirest them, that they may come unto thee on every side for thy whoredom.

16:35 Wherefore, O harlot, hear the word of the LORD:

16:36 Thus saith the Lord GOD; Because thy filthiness was poured out, and thy nakedness discovered through thy whoredoms with thy lovers, and with all the idols of thy abominations, and by the blood of thy children, which thou didst give unto them;

16:37 Behold, therefore I will gather all thy lovers, with whom thou hast taken pleasure, and all them that thou hast loved, with all them that thou hast hated; I will even gather them round about against thee, and will discover thy nakedness unto them, that they may see all thy nakedness.

16:38 And I will judge thee, as women that break wedlock and shed blood are judged; and I will give thee blood in fury and jealousy.

16:39 And I will also give thee into their hand, and they shall throw down thine eminent place, and shall break down thy high places: they shall strip thee also of thy clothes, and shall take thy fair jewels, and leave thee naked and bare.

16:40 They shall also bring up a company against thee, and they shall stone thee with stones, and thrust thee through with their swords.


-In case you didn't get all that, the whore Jerusalem had sex with Assyrians, Canaanites, Chaldeans, and complete strangers, but still was not satisfied. So she hired men to "come in unto her on every side. And because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her nakedness before all of her lovers. After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more. Then he'll have her stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords."

That calls for a round of Pimpin' Jesus pics!


[Image: jesus+3.jpg] [Image: pimp+jesusislove.gif] [Image: pimp_god.jpg]
[Image: AX_2010_36__Pimp_Jesus_by_Goldenkitsune_Queen.jpg]



20:49 Then said I, Ah Lord GOD! they say of me, Doth he not speak parables?

-Roughly translated, "Is he fucking crazy? (SAB)



God talks about how sharp and shiny his sword will be for the slaughter.



22:20 As they gather silver, and brass, and iron, and lead, and tin, into the midst of the furnace, to blow the fire upon it, to melt it; so will I gather you in mine anger and in my fury, and I will leave you there, and melt you.

22:21 Yea, I will gather you, and blow upon you in the fire of my wrath, and ye shall be melted in the midst therof.


-Is it just me, or does it seem like God is becoming more and more unhinged as the Bible progresses. I mean he's not even trying to separate the righteous from the wicked anymore (21:3)



ANOTHER STORY ABOUT WHORES

23:1 The word of the LORD came again unto me, saying,

23:2 Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother:

23:3 And they committed whoredoms in Egypt; they committed whoredoms in their youth: there were their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity.


-Dammit God, I'm trying to sleep. Stop showing up and talking about whores you once knew and their virgin teats.


23:5 And Aholah played the harlot when she was mine; and she doted on her lovers, on the Assyrians her neighbours,

23:7 Thus she committed her whoredoms with them, with all them that were the chosen men of Assyria, and with all on whom she doted: with all their idols she defiled herself.

23:8 Neither left she her whoredoms brought from Egypt: for in her youth they lay with her, and they bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her.

23:10 These discovered her nakedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword: and she became famous among women; for they had executed judgment upon her.

23:11 And when her sister Aholibah saw this, she was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms.

23:14 And that she increased her whoredoms: for when she saw men pourtrayed upon the wall, the images of the Chaldeans pourtrayed with vermilion,

23:28 For thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will deliver thee into the hand of them whom thou hatest, into the hand of them from whom thy mind is alienated:

23:29 And they shall deal with thee hatefully, and shall take away all thy labour, and shall leave thee naked and bare: and the nakedness of thy whoredoms shall be discovered, both thy lewdness and thy whoredoms.

23:30 I will do these things unto thee, because thou hast gone a whoring after the heathen, and because thou art polluted with their idols.

23:34 Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and thou shalt break the sherds thereof, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD.

23:47 And the company shall stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire.

23:48 Thus will I cause lewdness to cease out of the land, that all women may be taught not to do after your lewdness.


-RECAP: Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. But the fate of the surviving sister was even worse. Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. (SAB)


How am I just now discovering the book of Ezekial?



GOD COOKS HUMAN FLESH IN A POT


24:3 And utter a parable unto the rebellious house, and say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Set on a pot, set it on, and also pour water into it:

24:4 Gather the pieces thereof into it, even every good piece, the thigh, and the shoulder; fill it with the choice bones.

24:5 Take the choice of the flock, and burn also the bones under it, and make it boil well, and let them seethe the bones of it therein.

24:6 Wherefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! bring it out piece by piece; let no lot fall upon it.

24:10 Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned.

24:11 Then set it empty upon the coals thereof, that the brass of it may be hot, and may burn, and that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed.


-This is my longest review by far, but I can't skip over delightful stories like these!



God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her, then tells all the Israelites that he's going to kill their children and they shouldn't mourn either. Then he threatens to "stretch out his hand" over Moab, Philistine, and Tyrus and destroy things so that everyone will know that he is the LORD.



[Image: d5689_Iphone_Apps_iPhone-God-Calling-480x308.jpg]



RING RING

RING RING

-What?

Hey it's God again, so this one time I knew this other whore...

-Christ, man! Again?

29:7 When they took hold of thee by thy hand, thou didst break, and rend all their shoulder: and when they leaned upon thee, thou brakest, and madest all their loins to be at a stand.

29:8 Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee.


-I don't even know what you're saying man! Loins are standing up and you're doing something with a sword?



Few more pages of God killing everyone and "pouring his fury" on random kingdoms (God is perpetually pissed). It's strange that the stuff I skip over and don't include isn't boring, unimportant stuff... but rather killing after killing that has become so commonplace that I feel it would be redundant to list them all.



Ezekiel shares his prophecies with the mountains at God's request, and then to a valley full of bones, which then become animated:

37:8 And when I beheld, lo, the sinews and the flesh came up upon them, and the skin covered them above: but there was no breath in them.

37:9 Then said he unto me, Prophesy unto the wind, prophesy, son of man, and say to the wind, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live.

37:10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up upon their feet, an exceeding great army.


-YES. Ezekiel raises an army of undead skeletons to "walk the land of Israel" ...and then never mentions them again. This is beyond ridiculous. Like worse than Dungeons and Dragons.



[Image: ezekiel-bones-35.gif]



Chapter 40-43 consist entirely of collections of measurements... taken by a "man who had the appearance of brass"... of an imaginary building.



The rest of the book is spent with God giving implicit instructions on animal sacrifices, how to do it, how to prepare it, how to sprinkle the blood, what the priests should be wearing when they do it, etc. I feel like I've stumbled onto a hidden treasure chest in the Bible. Congrats if you've read this whole thing. That was a lot of text, but damn did I enjoy it.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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18-06-2011, 03:12 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Wonderful work! Smile I appreciate these posts SO much!

"Never underestimate how narrow-minded, petty and stupid people can be". Mark Fulton, forum member
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18-06-2011, 12:44 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Who doesn't enjoy Ezekiel? Big Grin

The God excuse: the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument. "God did it." Anything we can't describe must have come from God. - George Carlin

Whenever I'm asked "What if you're wrong?", I always show the asker this video: http://youtu.be/iClejS8vWjo Screw Pascal's wager.
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18-06-2011, 02:12 PM (This post was last modified: 09-07-2011 10:01 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: daniel.jpg]



We are now entering into what is called The Book of the Twelve, called such because these last 12 books were by minor prophets.
So I guess they were only "slightly in touch with God."




1:9 Now God had brought Daniel into favour and tender love with the prince of the eunuchs.

-Starting things off with a bromance.



Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah go before King Nebuchadnezzar and because God had just blessed them for maintaining their vegan status (1:15), the king considered them to be geniuses.

1:20 And in all matters of wisdom and understanding, that the king enquired of them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers that were in all his realm.


-Even better than the magicians and astrologers, the dominant scientific fields of the time, which would explain the rich logic that runs through this book like a vein of ore runs through a mountain.

-And of course the modern day translations are fun to look at: "wonder workers, scribes, users of secret arts, diviners, wise men" or my favorite featured comment of the site...

"Magicians and astrologers - Probably the same as philosophers and astronomers among us." Yes, because magician and astrologer is basically synonymous with philosopher and astronomer. I'm going to start telling people that I majored in Magic for 2 years.



King Nebuchadnezzar has a bad dream, then calls all his magicians and astrologers to his bed and asked them to interpret the dream. And they say, "Sure, just tell us what your dream was." To which the king says, "No, because then you'll have time to figure out a fake interpretation. If you're really wise men, then YOU tell ME my dream and THEN interpret it." The magicians claims that no man on the planet could do that, so the king orders all the wise men in kingdom killed, including Daniel and his friends.

Daniel hears of this and goes to the king and says "I can do it, because God is on my side."

2:31 Thou, O king, sawest, and behold a great image. This great image, whose brightness was excellent, stood before thee; and the form thereof was terrible.

2:32 This image's head was of fine gold, his breast and his arms of silver, his belly and his thighs of brass,

2:33 His legs of iron, his feet part of iron and part of clay.

2:34 Thou sawest till that a stone was cut out without hands, which smote the image upon his feet that were of iron and clay, and brake them to pieces.

2:35 Then was the iron, the clay, the brass, the silver, and the gold, broken to pieces together, and became like the chaff of the summer threshingfloors; and the wind carried them away, that no place was found for them: and the stone that smote the image became a great mountain, and filled the whole earth.

2:36 This is the dream; and we will tell the interpretation thereof before the king.


-He saw a gold headed image, with silver chest and arms, brass belly and thighs, and iron legs, with feet part iron and part clay. A stone smashed the image, scattering the gold, silver, brass, and iron in the wind. The stone became a great mountain that filled the whole earth.

-And his interpretation is: The image's gold head is Nebuchadnezzar. He will be replaced by another kingdom (silver chest and arms), which will be replaced by a third kingdom (brass belly and thighs), and a fourth kingdom (iron legs). This last kingdom with be both stong and weak (feet of iron and clay). Then God will raise up one final kingdom, which will destoy the other kingdoms and last forever.



2:46 Then the king Nebuchadnezzar fell upon his face, and worshipped Daniel, and commanded that they should offer an oblation and sweet odours unto him.

2:48 Then the king made Daniel a great man, and gave him many great gifts, and made him ruler over the whole province of Babylon, and chief of the governors over all the wise men of Babylon.


-Daniel also put his 3 buddies in charge of the affairs of Babylon. All this because Daniel correctly guessed the dream. King Nebuchadnezzar isn't a person, he's a game show. And the prizes are amazing.



The king builds a huge statue out of gold and invites all the "princes, the governors, and the captains, the judges, the treasurers, the counsellors, the sheriffs, and all the rulers of the provinces, to come to the dedication of the image."

3:4 Then an herald cried aloud, To you it is commanded, O people, nations, and languages,

3:5 That at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the golden image that Nebuchadnezzar the king hath set up:

3:6 And whoso falleth not down and worshippeth shall the same hour be cast into the midst of a burning fiery furnace.


-We have gathered here today to worship this statue the king made. Whoever wishes to not participate in the grovelling will be thrown into a fiery furnace. The choice is yours.



Someone notices that David's friends aren't grovelling to the statue, so they tell the king and the king accuses them and they say it's against their religion to worship other gods and idols. So the king demands that the fiery furnace be heated 7 times hotter than usual, then has guards throw the men into it. The fires are so hot that the guards die while throwing them in.

3:23 And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:24 Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.

3:25 He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.


-The 3 men aren't affected by the fire and the king sees a fourth person who "is like the Son of God" ...which is strange, since such a thing hasn't existed yet to reference.

-The king pulls them out and praises their god, and says:

3:28 Then Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who hath sent his angel, and delivered his servants that trusted in him, and have changed the king's word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god, except their own God.

3:29 Therefore I make a decree, That every people, nation, and language, which speak any thing amiss against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill: because there is no other God that can deliver after this sort.


-From now on, whoever says something bad about this particular god will be cut into pieces, because no other gods can demonstrate their powers like this god can. Nebuchadnezzar has a pretty aggressive style. Pray to this statue or die, alright now pray to this god or die.



I could just post one pic... but I do love FIRE!

[Image: dan-3-furnace.jpg] [Image: artbook__025_025__threemeninthefieryfurnace_sm___1.jpg] [Image: furnace.jpg] [Image: The.Fiery.Furnace.jpg]


And my personal favorite:


[Image: TheFieryFurnace.jpg]


(PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT I CONSTANTLY IGNORE COPYRIGHT LOGOS! FOR I AM DOING THE WORK OF THE LORD)



Chapter 4 is supposedly written by Nebuchadnezzar himself and tells of another dream he has, something about a giant tree that gets chopped down and Daniel tells him it's a metaphor for what will become of the king.



Chapter 5 is about king Belshazzar, "Nebuchadnezzar's son" ...which is incorrect.


-Apparently, the author of Daniel knew of only two Babylonian kings during the period of the exile: Nebuchadnezzar and Belshazzar, who he wrongly thought was the son of Nebuchadnezzar. But Nebuchadnezzar died in 562 BCE and was succeeded by his son, Awil-Marduk (referred to in the bible as "Evilmerodach"). (SAB)



5:5 In the same hour came forth fingers of a man's hand, and wrote over against the candlestick upon the plaister of the wall of the king's palace: and the king saw the part of the hand that wrote.

5:6 Then the king's countenance was changed, and his thoughts troubled him, so that the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against another.


-Belshaz (his new nickname) sees a detached hand writing on the wall, so his knees start shaking and the "joints of his loins loosed?" His balls dropped?



5:8 Then came in all the king's wise men: but they could not read the writing, nor make known to the king the interpretation thereof.

-So the Queen tells Belshaz about a guy who helped "his father" with a similar problem. Daniel, The Master Interpreter, is brought in to help. Daniel says that the scribblings say that Belshaz's kingdom has been evaluated and found to be wanting, therefore the kingdom shall be divided and given away.

Daniel is proclaimed "third ruler of the kingdom" ...and then later that night, Belshaz is mysteriously killed.



The new king preferred Daniel above everyone else in his kingdom because Daniel was such a perfect guy. The other administrators tried to find something wrong with him, but they couldn't. So they came up with another plan: attack his religion. Have the king sign a decree saying that anyone who asked any god or man (other than the king) for anything in the next thirty days will be fed to the lions.

When Daniel heard about the new decree, he immediately broke it by going to his room to pray. The conspirators caught him in the act and told the king, who "cast Daniel into the lion den saying, "Don't worry. God will deliver you." (SAB)




[Image: DanielAndTheLions.jpg]



The king checks on Daniel and the lions the next morning and BEHOLD!!! angels have closed the lion's mouths.

6:24 And the king commanded, and they brought those men which had accused Daniel, and they cast them into the den of lions, them, their children, and their wives; and the lions had the mastery of them, and brake all their bones in pieces or ever they came at the bottom of the den.


-So the king throws the entire family of the accusers into the lions den, where their bones were broken under the lion's teeth.



[Image: daniel-in-the-lions-den-zoom.jpg]



This time Daniel has a dream of a bunch of different frankenstein animals with random body parts, which I'm sure means something important. Daniel has a lot more visions and is visited by a babbling angel named Gabriel, none of which are very exciting.



[Image: the-beast-of-daniel-and-revelation.jpg]

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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18-06-2011, 04:12 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: Hosea.jpg]



1:2 The beginning of the word of the LORD by Hosea. And the LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD.

-God tells Hosea, "You might as well go get yourself a whore wife and have whore children, since everyone else in the land is doing it. Hosea doesn't pick up on the sarcasm.

1:3 So he went and took Gomer the daughter of Diblaim; which conceived, and bare him a son.



[Image: hoseacomic2.jpg]



1:4 And the LORD said unto him, Call his name Jezreel; for yet a little while, and I will avenge the blood of Jezreel upon the house of Jehu, and will cause to cease the kingdom of the house of Israel.

-Name your child Jezreel so I can kill things in his name.

1:6 And she conceived again, and bare a daughter. And God said unto him, Call her name Loruhamah: for I will no more have mercy upon the house of Israel; but I will utterly take them away.

-Name your second child Loruhamah (which means "unloved"), because I will be show no mercy while destroying Israel.

1:9 Then said God, Call his name Loammi: for ye are not my people, and I will not be your God.

-Name your third child Loammi, because I just don't give a shit anymore. Me and Israel are totally done.



2:2 Plead with your mother, plead: for she is not my wife, neither am I her husband: let her therefore put away her whoredoms out of her sight, and her adulteries from between her breasts;

2:3 Lest I strip her naked, and set her as in the day that she was born, and make her as a wilderness, and set her like a dry land, and slay her with thirst.

2:4 And I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms.

2:5 For their mother hath played the harlot: she that conceived them hath done shamefully:


-At first I thought that Hosea was suddenly denouncing his whore wife ("she is not my wife"), but after this person is done ripping on her, it says:

2:13 And I will visit upon her the days of Baalim, wherein she burned incense to them, and she decked herself with her earrings and her jewels, and she went after her lovers, and forgat me, saith the LORD.

-So God is pretending that Gomer is HIS whore wife and he's berating her for not being faithful to him? These later books are proof that the God of Abraham has lost his mind.



3:1 Then said the LORD unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the LORD toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine.

-Hey Hosea, go cheat on your wife with a drunk chick who worships other gods. It's a party up in here.


[Image: Hosea+Art.jpg]



The Lord drones on about whores and how whorish everyone is and how the whores will go a whoring in their whorish ways.




When he's done verbally penetrating whores, he goes off on how the city of Ephraim (which I understand to be his other name for Israel... Genesis 48) is evil and he will kill their children and make women's wombs miscarry and dry up their breasts.



13:16 Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.

-Enough of this. Someone has to stop God from killing. And I've got a secret weapon.


DROP THE ELBOW, MACHO MAN!!


[Image: jesus+and+macho+man.jpg]

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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18-06-2011, 04:23 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(18-06-2011 12:40 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  Why am I doing these so fast? Because after this, there isn't a book longer than 15 chapters until I reach the NT. And I can't wait to meet Jesus.

Yeah, he's gonna fuck with your head. Just be sure to get the Red Letter version and focus on the red letters instead of the peanut gallery. Wink

Breathing - it's more art than science.
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18-06-2011, 08:04 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Quote:10:3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

10:4 They deck it with silver and with gold...

I want this to be on a Christmas card!

BuddyChrist Wrote:
Quote:-Is it just me, or does it seem like God is becoming more and more unhinged as the Bible progresses. I mean he's not even trying to separate the righteous from the wicked anymore

Nah, I think he's pretty consistent throughout. Remember, he did flood the ENTIRE world in the very first book of the OT regardless of the innocence of many...

Anyways, I'm so happy that somebody is doing this, 'cause I have such a hard time trying to read through the Bible. Bad syntax just drives me crazy, and there is a hell of a lot of bad writing in that book o.0 But, I may have to check out some of these absolutely BATSHIT CRAZY chapters... I had no idea that the Bible was chock full of pornography. Seriously, religious parents allow their children to read a book that contains chapters on whores and whoring? And here I thought they condemned that sort of stuff...


Oh, and there are ZOMBIES?!?! That's effing awesome!!! Big Grin

"Remember, my friend, that knowledge is stronger than memory, and we should not trust the weaker." - Dr. Van Helsing, Dracula
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18-06-2011, 08:28 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: 29455_joel_tilt.jpg]

The size of the title pic is about the size of the book



I'll give you 100 chances to guess how the book begins, but you'll only need 1.

1:15 Alas for the day! for the day of the LORD is at hand, and as a destruction from the Almighty shall it come.


-Here comes the Lord again, using another "prophet" to spread word about his destruction of things.



2:13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil.

-Yes. The great and kind, God, who has displayed his mercy time and time again... by destroying innocents because he desires their land or simply because he's bored.



2:31 The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and terrible day of the LORD come.

-You know... it's been THOUSANDS of years since you threatened this stuff, Lord. Are you gonna get around to it sometime? Or are you busy somewhere making MORE universes and beings that you can punish for ignoring your invisibility?



That's it. Book over. 3 chapters of the Lord threatening to bring the hammer down on everyone.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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