An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
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04-04-2011, 02:35 AM (This post was last modified: 02-11-2012 02:55 PM by Buddy Christ.)
An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
Yep. This is gonna be a long one.

Feel free to throw your own logical dissections at any time.


GENESIS


First off, I'm skipping the whole "how were plants created before light/photosynthesis, how was light created before the sun, contradictions of which was created first" word games. Those take up too much time and words and pie.


1:16 "And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also."

-The moon is not a light, it is a reflection of the sun's light. This is the first of many examples that suggest that God's omnipotence seems to be limited to the knowledge of the demographics and time period of when the Bible was written. Strange.


1:26 "And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness"

-Our? Just how many gods are there?


2:2 "And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made."

-even though they say that God only "rested" to set an example of how would should rest on the 7th day, couldn't the Bible just say "rest on Sunday" ??(question mark)? It clearly says God rested, which means that this all-powerful being was worn out from all those valleys and hills and Wyoming and platypuses.


The Garden and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil


-Sooooo... God takes these 2 newly formed, ignorant to life humans, puts them in a garden with a tree bearing food, nonchalantly goes "don't eat from it" ... then leaves... to go make Venus, I guess. And you know the rest.

So... WHY did he put them near the tree? WHY did he have that which he didn't want humans to attain be edible and tempting? WHY did he leave? WHY did he allow Satan the Snake to be in the garden, knowing full well that he would tempt them? Why did God design these 2 humans to be susceptible to temptation?

Then God comes strolling by (3:8 "walking in the garden in the cool of the day") at the PRECISE moment after they eat the fruit and goes "whoa whoa, what's going on here?" (I'm paraphrasing, of course)

It's like having a 2 year old child and going "Now son, I'm going to leave these delicious chocolate chip cookies sitting right here within reach of you. I'm going to the store to buy some Funyuns. Don't eat them. Bye!" When any caring parent would remove temptation, knowing that the child doesn't know any better.

So it's quite obvious to me that God WANTED man to F up royally. God created man with the sole purpose of imposing "original sin" upon him, so that he may feel guilty and grovel and ask forgiveness for something that wasn't his fault for all eternity.

That child who ate the cookies is now 40 and the parent is still bringing it up daily. "I don't care if you saved an orphanage from burning down today... remember when I told you not to eat those cookies and you did?"


Cain slays Abel and is "cast out" arbitrarily from one remote location of this empty world to another random remote location. Then he worries that "every one that findeth me shall slay me."

-This is a strange worry since he is 1 of 3 people in existence. Then he sleeps with his wife to start the incestual chain of humanity... but where did his wife come from?


6:4 "There were giants in the earth in those days"

-I'm assuming these are literal giants and not "intellectual giants" or some modern term.


Then the Lord decides that all humanity is corrupt and needs to be massacred via flood.

-One... why the need for an elaborate flood? Why not just use your God powers and make every one not exist? You can only create from nothing, not turn into nothing? Two, were we not already told that men were made in His image? So either God is evil and corrupt, which is why we turned out like we did before and after the flood... or he is incapable of creating things how he wants. God is a flawed designer.

Maybe that's why he doesn't show his face anymore. He tried once, messed up and started over. Then he was like "whoa hold on, hold on. No, stop making more people. Wait, why did you kill that guy? Stop fucking! There's too many of you already! You know what!? Fuck this, I'm out!"


Then there's the Ark which I won't discuss do to redundancy. There are thousands of videos mocking this obvious nonsensical fairy tale already. The average thinker explaining the flaws of Noah and his ark is analogous to a world renowned chemist giving a lecture on the validity of alchemy.


Then Noah (the only righteous man in the world) gets hammered on wine and passes out naked.


Then the humans build an impressive tower and God (completely caught off guard) confuses them by making them speak multiple languages because their tower was more impressive than the one he made in shop class.


Many pages of slaves and servitude and historical inaccuracies and more incest


18:9 "And God said unto him, 'Where is Sarah thy wife?'" You're omnipotent, God. Quit messing with me. And stop asking about my wife, perv.


Lot offers his virgin daughters to a mob of rapists to appease their lust for the sexually attractive angels


God burns Sodom and Gomorrah to the ground, including all those "evil" children and newborn babies.


God turns Lot's wife in a pillar of salt just for kicks and giggles. Why exactly was it so wrong to look back at a village being assaulted by fire raining from the sky? If no one was supposed to look, perhaps God could've made the destruction a little more subtle.


Lot's daughters got their father drunk, then raped him." Yeah, I've been really drunk before, even drunk, high, and on acid at the same time. And not once during that time would I have "mistakenly" slept with my family members. Especially since they lived in a cave, separate from anyone that could have been confused for a bar skank.


21:1 "And the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken. For Sarah conceived..."

-God made a booty call


For some reason, God takes human form and wrestles Jacob. He is losing so he cheats and gropes Jacob's inner thigh.


Various pages discerning which parts of the penis to chop off.


Onan is murdered by God for spooging on the ground instead of impregnating his brother's wife.


A 7000 page story about Joseph being thought dead, but actually not.


INTERMISSION


For those of you that read this far... Bravo, you bored and dedicated souls. Obviously all the books aren't as interesting or important as Genesis, and will be skipped over (I'm looking at you Psalms).

Now I continue on with Exodus. Ahem...

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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04-04-2011, 05:03 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Do not give short shrift to my favorite books of the Holy Word of God: Wink

Leviticus
Numbers
Deuteronomy

Handy-dandy resource for your research:
http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/index.htm

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04-04-2011, 05:48 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
I'm actually using that site, Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible, comedy bits by David Cross, and my own rapist wit to form these things.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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04-04-2011, 06:57 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
I prefer this summary Smile

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04-04-2011, 08:38 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(04-04-2011 02:35 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  2:2 "And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made."

-even though they say that God only "rested" to set an example of how would should rest on the 7th day, couldn't the Bible just say "rest on Sunday" ??(question mark)? It clearly says God rested, which means that this all-powerful being was worn out from all those valleys and hills and Wyoming and platypuses.
Technically saturday, but you know how christianity likes to bastardize certain days if not practices from pagan religions for the sake of converts.
(04-04-2011 02:35 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  
The Garden and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil


-Sooooo... God takes these 2 newly formed, ignorant to life humans, puts them in a garden with a tree bearing food, nonchalantly goes "don't eat from it" ... then leaves... to go make Venus, I guess. And you know the rest.

So... WHY did he put them near the tree? WHY did he have that which he didn't want humans to attain be edible and tempting? WHY did he leave? WHY did he allow Satan the Snake to be in the garden, knowing full well that he would tempt them? Why did God design these 2 humans to be susceptible to temptation?

Then God comes strolling by (3:8 "walking in the garden in the cool of the day") at the PRECISE moment after they eat the fruit and goes "whoa whoa, what's going on here?" (I'm paraphrasing, of course)

It's like having a 2 year old child and going "Now son, I'm going to leave these delicious chocolate chip cookies sitting right here within reach of you. I'm going to the store to buy some Funyuns. Don't eat them. Bye!" When any caring parent would remove temptation, knowing that the child doesn't know any better.

So it's quite obvious to me that God WANTED man to F up royally. God created man with the sole purpose of imposing "original sin" upon him, so that he may feel guilty and grovel and ask forgiveness for something that wasn't his fault for all eternity.

That child who ate the cookies is now 40 and the parent is still bringing it up daily. "I don't care if you saved an orphanage from burning down today... remember when I told you not to eat those cookies and you did?"
We've been discussing this one in my comparative world religion class. I'm the only atheist in there, and somehow we still all come up with the same answer, the only thing that varies is the intellectual level/chosen words to express it: The god of the bible is a douche.
(04-04-2011 02:35 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  6:4 "There were giants in the earth in those days"

-I'm assuming these are literal giants and not "intellectual giants" or some modern term.
Always found this one odd too. Genesis talks about creating plants, birds, animals, humanity, sun and moon, blah blah blah, but oh yeah, did we forget to mention THE GIANTS? The existence of giants seems vastly important to me, from a food chain aspect and from a paleontological aspect. Pics or it didn't happen, Abraham-ists.

(04-04-2011 02:35 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  God burns Sodom and Gomorrah to the ground, including all those "evil" children and newborn babies.
I could actually see catholicism's pre-revoked limbo god being ok with that, as long as they weren't baptized. Because babies are born bad. Thats why we must symbolically drown them. Or just eat them like The_Observer Cooking Newborns Thread Big Grin

(04-04-2011 02:35 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  21:1 "And the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken. For Sarah conceived..."

-God made a booty call


For some reason, God takes human form and wrestles Jacob. He is losing so he cheats and gropes Jacob's inner thigh.
I've known people who thought they had to see their god as more moral than those of the greeks and romans. This passage says otherwise.

Yeah dude, do Leviticus.

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04-04-2011, 09:25 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
I HAVE to do Exodus next. It's the Bible's "How To" section on slaves. I have to sleep first... then find money for rent... then impress the fine, leathery skinned ladies at my bowling league... then I'll try another chapter.

I'm doing Leviticus of course, but Deuteronomy may be a challenge. It's so ridiculous in it's own right that I will have trouble mocking it. I mean, if a woman breaks up a fight by grabbing a dude's junk, you should cut off her hand? Where do I go from there?

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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05-04-2011, 12:14 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(04-04-2011 09:25 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  I'm doing Leviticus of course, but Deuteronomy may be a challenge. It's so ridiculous in it's own right that I will have trouble mocking it. I mean, if a woman breaks up a fight by grabbing a dude's junk, you should cut off her hand? Where do I go from there?

Where do you go from there? Revelations. Don't forget to take a hit of acid (LSD) so you can understand it.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Richard Dawkins comes to me, speaking words of reason, now I see, now I see.
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05-04-2011, 01:23 PM (This post was last modified: 15-04-2011 11:48 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Exodus



Baby Moses constructs a mini sailboat out of Legos and reenacts Huckleberry Finn minus the black guy until he discovers the underwater city of Rapture, where he then must alter his genetics through plasmids in an attempt to destroy Big Daddy.

-More or less, this is exactly what happened.


2:24 "And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob."

-God "took notice" and "remembered his covenant" ... meaning that God can be distracted and forgetful. He looked up from the Lakers game and went "oh shit, the covenant. My bad, I forgot."


God appears to Moses as a burning bush

-Why? So far God has shown himself physically to Adam and Eve, then manifested himself as a professional wrestler with Jacob, and now this? Seems like God is slowly getting lazier. "Ah whatever, a bush will do, now where's my omnipotent Zippo?"

[Image: THE-BURNING-BUSH.jpg]


4:3 And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it.
4:4 And the LORD said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand:

4:6 And the LORD said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow.
4:7 And he said, Put thine hand into thy bosom again. And he put his hand into his bosom again; and plucked it out of his bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as his other flesh.


-So Moses takes his rod/serpent and his stinkfist magic trick that he got from a bush and sets off to gather up his posse.


4:25 Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.

-Moses' wife goes all Lorena Bobbitt on his ass.


6:3 "And I appeared unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, by the name of God Almighty, but by my name JEHOVAH was I not known to them."

-First instance where God mentions his name. If he had gone with Brent or Todd, it probably wouldn't have been received as well.


7:5 "And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD"

-Prideful, vengeful dick much?


Moses engages the Pharaoh's magicians in a epic sorcery battle. Much like a modern day Chris Angel vs David Blaine showdown.

[Image: sorcerers_apprentice_magic.jpg]


Moses did the snake trick, the magicians did the snake trick. Moses hit em with bloody rivers and the magicians did likewise. Moses frogged their asses and the magicians frogged him right back. Moses cast Affliction of Lice +4 and the magicians tried to duplicate but were lacking the proper Tier 9 gear set from the epic dungeon final boss loot.

-Which was strange, considering the time frame, you would think that everyone would have already had lice.


Then Moses gives em flies, dead cattle, and boils.


9:14 "For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou may know that there is none like me in all the earth."

-God being a prick again


9:23 "And Moses stretched forth his rod toward heaven: and the LORD sent thunder and hail."

-Really God? A natural weather occurrence? We're all so very impressed.

[Image: mage.jpg]


The hail killed the cattle for a 2nd time. And the Pharaoh, apparently the hardest man in the world to convince, changed his mind again after the hail stopped.


So Moses makes it dark and has a locust rave party. Every time Moses asks the Pharaoh to let his people go, the Lord intervenes and "hardens the Pharaoh's heart so that he would not let them go."

-The Lord is using the Pharaoh as his puppet so that he may continuously torture people and put on a display of power.


12:12 "For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast; and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the LORD."

-God kills innocent babies and asks Moses' people to smear blood on their door frames, so that the Lord, in his genocidal rampage, doesn't accidentally kill the wrong children. I mean... we're a chapter and a half into this book and I already don't want to worship this God character.

-God also kills the cattle for a 3rd time. But he probably resurrected them to kill them again because as he so proudly states, I am the friggin LORD!!


After his slaughter, God goes on to make arbitrary rules about the Passover holiday he just created in celebration of himself (ummm... you shall only eat unleavened bread. So help me, if I find leaven in your house...).


12:45 "A foreigner and a hired servant shall not eat thereof... for no uncircumcised person shall eat thereof."


-In Sweet 16 fashion, the Lord states that no immigrants, blacks, or Jews can come to his party.


13:17 "And it came to pass, when Pharaoh had let the people go, that God led them not through the way of the land of the Philistines"

-"Land of the Philistines" is quite a strange term to be mentioned hundreds of years before the Philistines even settled in Canaan... Bible alteration much?


Then the Pharaoh emptied out Egypt's army to chase after these refugees who seemed to mean more to him than the million he already ruled over. But God, taking the form of half-cloud/half-fire, parted the sea, knocked off the Egyptian's chariot wheels, and drown them all.

-Once again, for an all-powerful being this seems rather elaborate and unnecessary. Why not just make the Pharaoh not chase after them, the way you mind controlled him earlier? Or just block their path? Must you satisfy your urge to kill again?

[Image: moses-parting-red-sea.jpg]


15:3 "The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name."

-Very useful reference when discussing how christianity is a religion of "peace" ...along with the millions of people he kills in the next cities


Moses and his people wander around lost in the desert for 40 years, complaining the whole time


God slaughters the Amalekites... but only as long as Moses keeps his hand raised.

-Huh?

[Image: tiger-fist-pump.bmp]


Moses goes "I'm going up this magic mountain to my secret meeting with God... oh and if anyone follows me, you'll die." Then he presents them with the 10 Commandments, which I'll not go into since many brilliant people have already ripped them apart (Carlin, Penn and Teller, etc).


Exodus 21: The Guide to Owning a Slave

-Detailed instructions on how to split up your new slave from his family and which of his kids are now yours if his wife gives birth (Hint: it's all of them).

-How to sell your daughter and what to do if she fails to please her new master


21:15 And he that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death.
21:16 And he that stealeth a man, and selleth him, or if he be found in his hand, he shall surely be put to death.
21:17 And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.


-Unruly children should be put to death, and don't steal my slaves motherf...


21:20 And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished.
21:21 Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.


21:26 And if a man smite the eye of his servant, or the eye of his maid, that it perish; he shall let him go free for his eye's sake.
21:27 And if he smite out his manservant's tooth, or his maidservant's tooth; he shall let him go free for his tooth's sake.


-Beat your slave with a rod, just don't kill him... and if you kill him, make sure it takes a few days for him to die. And don't put out his eye or knock out a tooth, or else you have to let him go


22:18 "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."

-One of my favorite lines in the Bible. Those damn witches.

[Image: monty_python_witch-701441.jpg]


22:19 "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death."

-Bestiality = Death


Pages of "Thou shall not"s and animal sacrifices.


God shows his metrosexual side and spends 7 pages talking about curtains, candlesticks, perfume, and accessories


28:30 "And thou shalt put in the breastplate of judgment the Urim and the Thummim;"

-The Book of Mormon gets a shout out


Instructions on how to kill, cut up, and burn your animal sacrifices. And how to cover yourself with the sacrificial blood.

-Getting a little creepy. Little tribal for my taste.


31:14 "Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death:"

-Kill the Sabbath workers. Seems to be an unbelievable amount of killing for this peaceful religion.


Moses gets uber pissed when he sees his people dancing naked around a golden calf, so he melts it down, mixes it with water and makes people drink it.

[Image: Mooby%20the%20Golden%20Calf.jpg]


33:23 "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen".

-You can't look at God's face, but feel free to check out His ass


34:14 "For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:"

-Wait... now his name is Jealous? Jealous who is jealous? Obvious troll is obvious?


At this point the author of Exodus realizes he needs more filler pages to meet his page count quota and starts telling the story of Mount Sinai again. He then closes out his masterpiece with 5 pages describing the construction of a tabernacle.

[Image: moses_with_tablets.jpg]

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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06-04-2011, 04:00 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(04-04-2011 02:35 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  
GENESIS

BC - good stuff Smile

Loved your use of graphics on Exodus! Inspiring!

My wife just got me an ipad2 for a birthday present. In exploring my new toy, I actually downloaded the KJ Bible on iBooks (free of course) and reread Genesis last night - what fun!

How anyone can read that book and not come away with it as a fairy tale is beyond me...

The one conundrum that is left out: The bible is pretty clear on how many times Adam "got to know" Eve and the children they had. The whole lineage thing goes on ad nauseum...

So how is it that after Cain kills off Abel he is banished but manages to find a wife? On top of that - the dude is concerned that anywhere he goes post banishment - people are going to want to kill him for his misdeed. Where'd all these "people come from? Wouldn't they be his brothers and sisters, etc.?

Or, maybe it's me and I just don't read clearly... Huh

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06-04-2011, 05:58 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Actually, when he says "everyone will try and kill me" the only other people in existence are his parents.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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