An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
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13-04-2011, 11:28 AM (This post was last modified: 15-04-2011 07:07 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(13-04-2011 12:49 AM)Firestorm2408 Wrote:  I literally just registered to this forum for the sole purpose of telling you to keep these posts up I LOVE THEM!

I'm gonna go check out the other stuff now and maybe introduce myself but know that it was your awesomeness and yours alone that made me actually make an account good sir!

YEEES. I HAVE THE POWER!!

[Image: he-man-movie-070523.jpg]

I was actually thinking of giving up on these because I just watched ebolaworld's Ridiculous Bible Stories series and realized there was no way I could top that.

But fret not, I SHALL CONTINUE!


And Virus... your gift will only last until I decide to give another like... then I become the Neighbor of the Beast. Isn't there a sexy icon or something that I can adorn my name with? Perhaps change my name to different color like a faux admin (since I am now He Who Recruits). If I gave you my address, could you send me an envelope full of Pizza Rolls?

I HAVE SPOKEN!

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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13-04-2011, 11:36 AM
 
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(13-04-2011 02:00 AM)GodVirusDeleted Wrote:  Out of curiosity Firestorm, how did you find this thread?

I've been a TTA fan for some time but only now felt the need to look at the forum and this was simply the first post I read on here and what a good read it is!
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13-04-2011, 02:23 PM (This post was last modified: 14-04-2011 12:03 PM by cfhmagnet.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(13-04-2011 11:28 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  And Virus... your gift will only last until I decide to give another like... then I become the Neighbor of the Beast. Isn't there a sexy icon or something that I can adorn my name with? Perhaps change my name to different color like a faux admin (since I am now He Who Recruits). If I gave you my address, could you send me an envelope full of Pizza Rolls?

I HAVE SPOKEN!
Buddy Christ now has fanbois... and demands. B_C how do you continue to become more epic?

Quote tags changed Smile

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Something something something complete
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13-04-2011, 04:13 PM
 
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Might want to Re-Do your quote tags there buddy because it wasn't me that said any of that Smile
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13-04-2011, 04:39 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Buddy or buddy? Cause my quotes are accurate. And as to how I become more epic... I eat Wheaties with Zeus and he gives me fashion advice.

Sounds like a morning show: Wheaties with Zeus

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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15-04-2011, 10:32 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: tagjr_sw_sesame_cookie_00_s6_20548.jpg]

This will be short and compressed because Numbers is boring and I can't hold in my raging desire to get to Deuteronomy.



-15 Chapters of nothing happening. Israelites still lost in the desert.



-Moses gets water to flow from a stone for his thirsty followers by hitting it with a stick.


[Image: waterstone.jpg]



21:2 "And Israel vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities."

21:3 "And the LORD hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities: and he called the name of the place Hormah."


-God massacres entire cities of innocent people



21:5 "And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread."

21:6 "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died."


-The people who faithfully followed Moses on his word, and have been lost in the desert for 40 years complain that they are starving and dehydrated... so God kills them. "I said keep it down back there, I'm trying to drive!"



21:34 "And the LORD said unto Moses, Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people, and his land; and thou shalt do to him as thou didst unto Sihon king of the Amorites, which dwelt at Heshbon."

21:35 "So they smote him, and his sons, and all his people, until there was none left him alive: and they possessed his land."


-And yet another senseless genocide... and we're not even onto the next chapter yet.



-Reference to the "Book of the Wars of the Lord." Why couldn't they have "lost" some worthless book like Psalms and kept the much more intriguing sounding one?



15:32 "And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day."

15:35 "And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp."


-If you so much as pick up twigs on Sunday, you deserve the electric chair.



22:28 "And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass,"

-the sexiest line in the Bible, followed by a confusing and seemingly superfluous tale of a donkey complaining to its master for beating him his whole life, voiced by Eddie Murphy.


[Image: rembran19.jpg]



-More altars and animal sacrifices. So far, this has been in every book of the Bible, so it must be important. Yet because it's no longer accepted as social norm, the Lord's followers have discarded this obviously insignificant ritual.



23:22 "God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn."

-Well... he actually meant... oh hell.

[Image: tumblr_l5scwmC3WU1qcp5fmo1_500.jpg]



24:15 "And he took up his parable, and said, Balaam the son of Beor hath said, and the man whose eyes are open hath said:"

24:16 "He hath said, which heard the words of God, and knew the knowledge of the most High, which saw the vision of the Almighty, falling into a trance, but having his eyes open:"


-I just have to say... for being the divine work of God, this is the worst grammar and sentence composition I have ever seen. Even granting it the dozen or so language translations it has endured, this is just redundancy to the extremes.



25:1 And Israel abode in Shittim, and the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab.
25:2 And they called the people unto the sacrifices of their gods: and the people did eat, and bowed down to their gods.
25:4 And the LORD said unto Moses, Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel.
25:5 And Moses said unto the judges of Israel, Slay ye every one his men that were joined unto Baalpeor.
25:6 And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
25:7 And when Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand;
25:8 And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel.


-Holy tap dancing Christ in a cartoon. Moses has the men involved in the orgy beheaded and their heads hung/staked up to deter the "fierce anger of the Lord." Then they spear a man and a foreign woman, which pleases the Lord so much he spares them from his rabid plague.



-Moses slaughters the Midianites at the Lord's bidding and burns their cities and captures their women and children.

-Why exactly? The Lord seems infinitely pissed at the human race and desires the painful death of anyone not already killing in his name.



31:17 "Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him."

31:18 "But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."


-Moses kills all the male children and all the women who aren't virgins. But he keeps the female children for sex slaves.

-Seriously... we're only 4 books in. How do people read this and go "that's the moral doctrine I want to base my life after!"



33:3 "And they departed from Rameses in the first month, on the fifteenth day of the first month; on the morrow after the passover the children of Israel went out with an high hand in the sight of all the Egyptians. "

33:4 "For the Egyptians buried all their firstborn, which the LORD had smitten among them: upon their gods also the LORD executed judgments."


-The Lord is still ritualistically killing the firstborns of people who have no idea why or what they did wrong. And also, the Lord punished the "other gods." Monotheism be damned.



-Then the Lord rambles on about all the land they will soon control, I'm assuming while wringing his hands and cackling maniacally. Fade to black.

End Scene.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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16-04-2011, 01:02 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Quote:15:32 "And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day."

15:35 "And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp."

-If you so much as pick up twigs on Sunday, you deserve the electric chair.

In the Old Testament, the Sabbath is actually on Saturday... There have been divisions within Christianity over this point Undecided

Quote:-Seriously... we're only 4 books in. How do people read this and go "that's the moral doctrine I want to base my life after!"

'Cause they skip to the "good" stuff in the New Testament, of course Rolleyes

Anyways, I'm enjoying these summaries; trying to get through the Bible is tedious work, so I don't envy you Tongue

"Remember, my friend, that knowledge is stronger than memory, and we should not trust the weaker." - Dr. Van Helsing, Dracula
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16-04-2011, 03:12 PM (This post was last modified: 16-04-2011 04:14 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Get comfortable folks, this is gonna be a long one.

[Image: deuteronomy.gif]



2:31 And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have begun to give Sihon and his land before thee: begin to possess, that thou mayest inherit his land.

2:33 And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people.

2:34 And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain:


-After giving his soldiers a pep talk about how much land they can conquer, the Lord kills off the men, women, and children of yet another random city.



3:3 So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining.

3:4 And we took all his cities at that time, there was not a city which we took not from them, threescore cities, all the region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan.

3:6 And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city.


-The Lord and his people slaughter the men, women, and children of 60 more cities. The Lord's body count is up to about a billion at this point, and not once has it been explained why Moses is on a killing spree. At this point, it's pretty obvious that God is a bloodthirsty deity who desires killing and animal sacrifices to appease his bloodlust.



3:11 For only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants;

all the region of Argob, with all Bashan, which was called the land of giants.


-The 4th mention of giants.



4:2 Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.

12:32 What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.


-Direct from God's mouth. If you're not an Orthodox Jew, you're wrong. You must adhere to everything I have ever commanded of you. However, that hasn't stopped the many many alterations to the Bible to make it more "modern friendly."



God gives what sounds like a goodbye speech, while tooting his own horn. "Have you ever seen another God talk from fire? And remember when I parted the seas? And remember that one time when you didn't want to fight those people but I owned those fools for you? That was all me, baby. Now remember my commandments and keep my statutes, for I am off."

Then they re-explain the Ten Commandments to all the new recruits that didn't get the Post-It, while emphasizing for the 13th time or so "I am a jealous God and will punish your children's children for your sins."



God goes on a self-masturbatory rant. "You will know my words and fear me, lest you invoke my wraith, but if you follow me, fear not, for I am a merciful God."

[Image: Xerxes_300.jpg]



8:2 And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.

-This whole "40 years wandering the desert" thing? Yeah that was all just a test to your loyalty. Surprise! This suggests that God isn't omniscient (which would actually help the theist's case greatly if they would just concede this one tidbit).



10:16 Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked.

-Bet you didn't know God was a poet.



12:27 And thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, the flesh and the blood, upon the altar of the LORD thy God: and the blood of thy sacrifices shall be poured out upon the altar of the LORD thy God, and thou shalt eat the flesh.

-I'm starting to think that "blood" and "offerings" are the 2 most used words in the Bible.



13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God


-God commanding our religious family members to kill us atheists. So the very fact that we are all still alive is proof of their disobedience.



God rambling about not eating shrimp or eagles or bats, and how to buy or sell a Hebrew slave.



17:2 If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God, in transgressing his covenant,

17:3 And hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded;

17:5 Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.


-Kill everyone who has different religious beliefs from your own.



18:10 There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch.

18:11 Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer.

18:12 For all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD:


-WHAT? Because wizardry, witchcraft, and necromancy are real things, right? (sarcasm) So John Edwards (Crossing Over) is the devil? And tarot card readers are minions of demons?



18:20 But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die.

18:21 And if thou say in thine heart, How shall we know the word which the LORD hath not spoken?

18:22 When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.


-So we should kill prophets whose predictions don't come true. Isn't this justification for the killing of Jesus? He promised many things "the meek shall inherit the earth, this generation will by no means pass away till all these things take place, etc" that didn't come true.



20:13 And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword:

20:14 But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shalt eat the spoil of thine enemies, which the LORD thy God hath given thee.

20:16 But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth:


-In the cities the Lord gives you, take the women, children, and cattle for yourself. If the city isn't given to you by God (then why attack it?), kill everything that moves.



21:11 And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;

21:12 Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;

21:13 And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.

21:14 And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go


-If you're attracted to one of the slaves, you take her home with you and after a month you can "go in unto her" and she's you're wife. Unless you decide afterward that you don't want her anymore... then you can kick her out.



21:18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

21:19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

21:20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

21:21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.


-If your bastard son won't listen to you, drag him out into public, call him fat and drunk, and invite your neighbors to stone him to death.

-If you've noticed that my humorous pictures frequency has slowed down... I'm feeling a little queasy from all the killing and raping and "moral values" being put out as something children should be taught. It's not like I'm excluding the "moral" or "good" parts, I'm just not finding any.



22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

-Don't dress in drag. Which is a strange thing for the Lord to say since WE were the ones who invented clothing and decided which designs were meant for which gender. So we made a dress and went "this is for women" and God stepped in and went "and don't you DARE wear that if you're a man!"



22:13 If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; etc

22:20 But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
'22:21 Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die


-That's right folks. If a man ends up hating his wife and wants a divorce, he can claim she wasn't a virgin. Then the woman's parents must provide proof of her virginity (bloody sheets) to the elders or else the wife should be stoned to death on her father's doorstep.



22:22 If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.

-Adulterers should be killed



22:23 If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;

22:24 Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city


-If a betrothed virgin woman is raped within shouting distance of others, she should be killed for not crying out loud enough.



22:28 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; (22:28-29)

22:29 Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her


-However if the virgin gets raped and isn't engaged to anyone, then the rapist must pay her father money and then marry her.

-You see? I can't make jokes about these, because they are jokes themselves.



23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

-Can't enter the kingdom of God without a nice package



24:14 Thou shalt not oppress a hired servant that is poor and needy, whether he be of thy brethren, or of thy strangers that are in thy land within thy gates:

...and some other passages about gathering food for the poor.


-These verses are few and far between. The pattern of the Bible seems to be: slaughter, slaughter, rape, sacrifice, be nice to people, slaughter slaughter, sacrifice, plunder and burn, seriously... be nice to people.



25:5 If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her.

-You have to marry your brother's wife if you don't have kids



25:7 And if the man like not to take his brother's wife, then let his brother's wife go up to the gate unto the elders, and say, My husband's brother refuseth to raise up unto his brother a name in Israel, he will not perform the duty of my husband's brother.

25:9 Then shall his brother's wife come unto him in the presence of the elders, and loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face, and shall answer and say, So shall it be done unto that man that will not build up his brother's house.

25:10 And his name shall be called in Israel, The house of him that hath his shoe loosed.


-Unless of course you don't like your brother's wife. Then she can steal his shoes, spit in his face, and change his name to "the guy who has loose shoes."



25:11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:

25:12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.


-Nothing more need be said.



God goes on another rant about all the bad things that will happen to you if you don't listen to him.



[Image: join_his_army_today_gods_army_postcard-p...bm_400.jpg]



28:20 The LORD shall send upon thee cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that thou settest thine hand unto for to do, until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly; because of the wickedness of thy doings, whereby thou hast forsaken me.

28:21 The LORD shall make the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee from off the land, whither thou goest to possess it.

Etc

Including: 28:30 Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her: thou shalt build an house, and thou shalt not dwell therein: thou shalt plant a vineyard, and shalt not gather the grapes thereof.


-Yeah. Some dude will sleep with your wife and you'll be all pissed and go to tend your vineyard but you can't seem to get any grapes to grow.



28:53 And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters

-Oh wait we're still going on about the bad things? You will become a cannibal and eat your own children? I get it already!




32:22 For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains.

32:23 I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them.

32:24 They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust...


-God gets super pissed and stomps around muttering to himself.



Moses dies at the ripe old age of 120. And there was much sadness.

[Image: moses-demotivational-poster-1221330337.jpg]



(That last bit was rushed. God hacked into my computer and tried to stop my blasphemy with a virus, but my Avast! antivirus proved too much for him.)

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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16-04-2011, 04:25 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
woo avast!!!! a testament to man's ability to cope with god's wrath =p

Well at least they've finally mentioned how they convince the children they aren't monsters. They stone any children who think they are evil, so that the rest are too afraid to talk. Good thing we cleared up child raising wouldn't want people using their own ideas.

Sorry you have to go through all of this brutal history. The wonderful suggestion is that Judaism was the moral high ground of these times and that the other tribes were savages. You know, the groups of people tending to their civilization and keeping everyone alive. Mercy is one thing that should only be given by god.

I'm not a non believer, I believe in the possibility of anything. I just don't let the actuality of something be determined by a 3rd party.
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16-04-2011, 04:28 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(16-04-2011 01:02 PM)SecularStudent Wrote:  In the Old Testament, the Sabbath is actually on Saturday... There have been divisions within Christianity over this point Undecided

The way I understand it is that Constantine changed the Sabbath from the 7th day to the 1st day during his reforms and people have just gone with it since they don't know the first thing about the religion they're following anyways.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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