An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
16-04-2011, 03:12 PM (This post was last modified: 16-04-2011 04:14 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Get comfortable folks, this is gonna be a long one.
2:31 And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have begun to give Sihon and his land before thee: begin to possess, that thou mayest inherit his land.
2:33 And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people.
2:34 And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain:
-After giving his soldiers a pep talk about how much land they can conquer, the Lord kills off the men, women, and children of yet another random city.
3:3 So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining.
3:4 And we took all his cities at that time, there was not a city which we took not from them, threescore cities, all the region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan.
3:6 And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city.
-The Lord and his people slaughter the men, women, and children of 60 more cities. The Lord's body count is up to about a billion at this point, and not once has it been explained why Moses is on a killing spree. At this point, it's pretty obvious that God is a bloodthirsty deity who desires killing and animal sacrifices to appease his bloodlust.
3:11 For only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants;
all the region of Argob, with all Bashan, which was called the land of giants.
-The 4th mention of giants.
4:2 Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.
12:32 What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.
-Direct from God's mouth. If you're not an Orthodox Jew, you're wrong. You must adhere to everything I have ever commanded of you. However, that hasn't stopped the many many alterations to the Bible to make it more "modern friendly."
God gives what sounds like a goodbye speech, while tooting his own horn. "Have you ever seen another God talk from fire? And remember when I parted the seas? And remember that one time when you didn't want to fight those people but I owned those fools for you? That was all me, baby. Now remember my commandments and keep my statutes, for I am off."
Then they re-explain the Ten Commandments to all the new recruits that didn't get the Post-It, while emphasizing for the 13th time or so "I am a jealous God and will punish your children's children for your sins."
God goes on a self-masturbatory rant. "You will know my words and fear me, lest you invoke my wraith, but if you follow me, fear not, for I am a merciful God."
8:2 And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.
-This whole "40 years wandering the desert" thing? Yeah that was all just a test to your loyalty. Surprise! This suggests that God isn't omniscient (which would actually help the theist's case greatly if they would just concede this one tidbit).
10:16 Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked.
-Bet you didn't know God was a poet.
12:27 And thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, the flesh and the blood, upon the altar of the LORD thy God: and the blood of thy sacrifices shall be poured out upon the altar of the LORD thy God, and thou shalt eat the flesh.
-I'm starting to think that "blood" and "offerings" are the 2 most used words in the Bible.
13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;
13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God
-God commanding our religious family members to kill us atheists. So the very fact that we are all still alive is proof of their disobedience.
God rambling about not eating shrimp or eagles or bats, and how to buy or sell a Hebrew slave.
17:2 If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God, in transgressing his covenant,
17:3 And hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded;
17:5 Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.
-Kill everyone who has different religious beliefs from your own.
18:10 There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch.
18:11 Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer.
18:12 For all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD:
-WHAT? Because wizardry, witchcraft, and necromancy are real things, right? (sarcasm) So John Edwards (Crossing Over) is the devil? And tarot card readers are minions of demons?
18:20 But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die.
18:21 And if thou say in thine heart, How shall we know the word which the LORD hath not spoken?
18:22 When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.
-So we should kill prophets whose predictions don't come true. Isn't this justification for the killing of Jesus? He promised many things "the meek shall inherit the earth, this generation will by no means pass away till all these things take place, etc" that didn't come true.
20:13 And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword:
20:14 But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shalt eat the spoil of thine enemies, which the LORD thy God hath given thee.
20:16 But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth:
-In the cities the Lord gives you, take the women, children, and cattle for yourself. If the city isn't given to you by God (then why attack it?), kill everything that moves.
21:11 And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;
21:12 Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;
21:13 And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.
21:14 And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go
-If you're attracted to one of the slaves, you take her home with you and after a month you can "go in unto her" and she's you're wife. Unless you decide afterward that you don't want her anymore... then you can kick her out.
21:18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:
21:19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;
21:20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
21:21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.
-If your bastard son won't listen to you, drag him out into public, call him fat and drunk, and invite your neighbors to stone him to death.
-If you've noticed that my humorous pictures frequency has slowed down... I'm feeling a little queasy from all the killing and raping and "moral values" being put out as something children should be taught. It's not like I'm excluding the "moral" or "good" parts, I'm just not finding any.
22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.
-Don't dress in drag. Which is a strange thing for the Lord to say since WE were the ones who invented clothing and decided which designs were meant for which gender. So we made a dress and went "this is for women" and God stepped in and went "and don't you DARE wear that if you're a man!"
22:13 If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; etc
22:20 But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
'22:21 Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die
-That's right folks. If a man ends up hating his wife and wants a divorce, he can claim she wasn't a virgin. Then the woman's parents must provide proof of her virginity (bloody sheets) to the elders or else the wife should be stoned to death on her father's doorstep.
22:22 If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.
-Adulterers should be killed
22:23 If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;
22:24 Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city
-If a betrothed virgin woman is raped within shouting distance of others, she should be killed for not crying out loud enough.
22:28 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; (22:28-29)
22:29 Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her
-However if the virgin gets raped and isn't engaged to anyone, then the rapist must pay her father money and then marry her.
-You see? I can't make jokes about these, because they are jokes themselves.
23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
-Can't enter the kingdom of God without a nice package
24:14 Thou shalt not oppress a hired servant that is poor and needy, whether he be of thy brethren, or of thy strangers that are in thy land within thy gates:
...and some other passages about gathering food for the poor.
-These verses are few and far between. The pattern of the Bible seems to be: slaughter, slaughter, rape, sacrifice, be nice to people, slaughter slaughter, sacrifice, plunder and burn, seriously... be nice to people.
25:5 If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her.
-You have to marry your brother's wife if you don't have kids
25:7 And if the man like not to take his brother's wife, then let his brother's wife go up to the gate unto the elders, and say, My husband's brother refuseth to raise up unto his brother a name in Israel, he will not perform the duty of my husband's brother.
25:9 Then shall his brother's wife come unto him in the presence of the elders, and loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face, and shall answer and say, So shall it be done unto that man that will not build up his brother's house.
25:10 And his name shall be called in Israel, The house of him that hath his shoe loosed.
-Unless of course you don't like your brother's wife. Then she can steal his shoes, spit in his face, and change his name to "the guy who has loose shoes."
25:11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
25:12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.
-Nothing more need be said.
God goes on another rant about all the bad things that will happen to you if you don't listen to him.
28:20 The LORD shall send upon thee cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that thou settest thine hand unto for to do, until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly; because of the wickedness of thy doings, whereby thou hast forsaken me.
28:21 The LORD shall make the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee from off the land, whither thou goest to possess it.
Including: 28:30 Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her: thou shalt build an house, and thou shalt not dwell therein: thou shalt plant a vineyard, and shalt not gather the grapes thereof.
-Yeah. Some dude will sleep with your wife and you'll be all pissed and go to tend your vineyard but you can't seem to get any grapes to grow.
28:53 And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters
-Oh wait we're still going on about the bad things? You will become a cannibal and eat your own children? I get it already!
32:22 For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains.
32:23 I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them.
32:24 They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust...
-God gets super pissed and stomps around muttering to himself.
Moses dies at the ripe old age of 120. And there was much sadness.
(That last bit was rushed. God hacked into my computer and tried to stop my blasphemy with a virus, but my Avast! antivirus proved too much for him.)
"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."
"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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