An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 13 Votes - 4 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
16-04-2011, 07:51 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(16-04-2011 03:12 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  Get comfortable folks, this is gonna be a long one.

[Image: deuteronomy.gif]






3:3 So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining.

3:4 And we took all his cities at that time, there was not a city which we took not from them, threescore cities, all the region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan.

3:6 And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city.


-The Lord and his people slaughter the men, women, and children of 60 more cities. The Lord's body count is up to about a billion at this point, and not once has it been explained why Moses is on a killing spree. At this point, it's pretty obvious that God is a bloodthirsty deity who desires killing and animal sacrifices to appease his bloodlust.
Suddenly understanding American foreign policy so much better now...



(16-04-2011 03:12 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  4:2 Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.

12:32 What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.


-Direct from God's mouth. If you're not an Orthodox Jew, you're wrong. You must adhere to everything I have ever commanded of you. However, that hasn't stopped the many many alterations to the Bible to make it more "modern friendly."
Well, we changed that. The Jews killed Jesus! That's why we're christian now.

(16-04-2011 03:12 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God


-God commanding our religious family members to kill us atheists. So the very fact that we are all still alive is proof of their disobedience.
So technically, is there any such thing as a "good" christian?

(16-04-2011 03:12 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

-Don't dress in drag. Which is a strange thing for the Lord to say since WE were the ones who invented clothing and decided which designs were meant for which gender. So we made a dress and went "this is for women" and God stepped in and went "and don't you DARE wear that if you're a man!"
Well the all-knowing lord knew what we would pick. And once it was solidified, he let us know that like anger and the dark side, dressing in drag is a path to the homo side. And god couldn't have that, it's much too immoral, especially compared to genocide.

(16-04-2011 03:12 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  22:13 If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; etc

22:20 But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
'22:21 Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die


-That's right folks. If a man ends up hating his wife and wants a divorce, he can claim she wasn't a virgin. Then the woman's parents must provide proof of her virginity (bloody sheets) to the elders or else the wife should be stoned to death on her father's doorstep.
Unless you happen to be catholic. Then the church will only do this for you so many times until they say no, pick a wife and stay with her already, and you give the pope the finger and found your own religion.

(16-04-2011 03:12 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

-Can't enter the kingdom of God without a nice package
Or for the citizens of the town I live in, any hummer or navigator will do. Really, any obnoxiously large gas-guzzling suv that stupid trophy wives can't handle because they are on their cell phones at the same time will do as a "package" substitute if yours happens to be too small.

(16-04-2011 03:12 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  24:14 Thou shalt not oppress a hired servant that is poor and needy, whether he be of thy brethren, or of thy strangers that are in thy land within thy gates:

...and some other passages about gathering food for the poor.


-These verses are few and far between. The pattern of the Bible seems to be: slaughter, slaughter, rape, sacrifice, be nice to people, slaughter slaughter, sacrifice, plunder and burn, seriously... be nice to people.
I'm impressed, I didn't think Deuteronomy had an actual "moral" post. Good find. Can we get back to the slaughter of innocents please?

(16-04-2011 03:12 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  28:53 And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters

-Oh wait we're still going on about the bad things? You will become a cannibal and eat your own children? I get it already!
Thanks, that more like the bible I know and love.





(16-04-2011 04:28 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  
(16-04-2011 01:02 PM)SecularStudent Wrote:  In the Old Testament, the Sabbath is actually on Saturday... There have been divisions within Christianity over this point Undecided

The way I understand it is that Constantine changed the Sabbath from the 7th day to the 1st day during his reforms and people have just gone with it since they don't know the first thing about the religion they're following anyways.
I've heard from good authority that sunday was a day used for worshiping a sun god (sun-day. Get it?) The christian hierarchy figured if they just changed a few things around, it would make conversion easier.

Thanks for continuing Buddy_Christ. I eagerly await your next critique.

Something something something Dark Side
Something something something complete
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-04-2011, 02:57 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: joshua.jpg]



Joshua takes over management of Moses' "Iron Fist of God" war company, complete with a bluetooth headset on speed dial to God.



Joshua sends spies to Jericho to spy on them... so they "take refuge" in the house of a prostitute named Rahab.



3:17 And the priests that bare the ark of the covenant of the LORD stood firm on dry ground in the midst of Jordan, and all the Israelites passed over on dry ground, until all the people were passed clean over Jordan.

-The ground rises up so that the people can cross the Jordan river without getting their socks soggy. The Nazis were then intercepted by Indiana Jones who then... no wait, that's not right.



5:13 And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, there stood a man over against him with his sword drawn in his hand: and Joshua went unto him, and said unto him, Art thou for us, or for our adversaries?

5:14 And he said, Nay; but as captain of the host of the LORD am I now come. And Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and did worship, and said unto him, What saith my Lord unto his servant?

5:15 And the captain of the LORD's host said unto Joshua, Loose thy shoe from off thy foot; for the place whereon thou standest is holy. And Joshua did so.


-Joshua pretty much believes anything anyone says ever. Then the Lord's captain tells him to take his shoes off... the punishment for refusing your brother's wife if I remember correctly.


[Image: spiritualwarfarepptitle.jpg]



The Lord says that if you want me to topple the walls of Jericho, you must have seven priests take seven ram horns and walk around the city seven times on the seventh day, then blow the horns.

-Nothing like arbitrary patterns and rituals to make the ridiculous seem miraculous.

"How could someone have brought that pigeon back to life?"

"Well, they danced for 10 days and 10 nights and ordered a 10 piece Chicken McNugget combo while playing 10 degrees of Kevin Bacon with their friend Diez."

"Oh, well that makes sense."



[Image: jerichowalls.jpg]




The Lord commands that only Rahab the prostitute shall be spared from the slaughter, for helping his spies earlier.

-So this hooker is the only person in Jericho worth saving? Are we to believe that every single person murdered in the 100 or so cities the Lord invades is soulless and evil?

"Well they didn't worship the correct God."

-How could they? God only recently started talking to a select few people and instead of trying to convince his "children" of his existence, he opts for the much more entertaining "massacre them all without giving them a chance."



6:19 But all the silver, and gold, and vessels of brass and iron, are consecrated unto the LORD: they shall come into the treasury of the LORD.

-Notice he doesn't say "for the people of the Lord" or "the Lord's followers," he says "this omnipotence isn't gonna pay for itself, bitches... make money papers, my new album drops this summer from my band Savior Self."



6:21 And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword.

-God's 31st genocide.



Joshua tells his posse to take a handful of dudes and go kill the people of Ai. They fail and get turned away. So Josh is like "What up, God? I'm trying to kill in your name and you're being a dick about it."

And God is like "Yo dude, I said not to take the 'accursed thing' and you took the 'accursed thing' ..." and rambled on for 8 more paragraphs about this "accursed thing."

So Joshua takes the family of the guy who apparently took the "accursed thing" and stones them to death.




God (the master in tactical warfare) lays out an ambush plan... instead of just... you know... using his powers as God and destroying them. Through trickery and ambush, they overcome the people of Ai (which, according to historians was already ancient ruins during the time of this battle).



[Image: book_of_joshua__image_2_sjpg963.jpg]



10:12 Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon.

10:13 And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Is not this written in the book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day


-While killing some more people, Joshua asked God to make the sun and the moon stand still. But since we now know science, does this mean that the Lord stopped the Earth from rotating? Then later, did he start it spinning again?

-And why did they need the sun AND the moon? Does that mean the Lord also made the moon stop revolving around the Earth? Wouldn't that have messed with the gravitational pull, the tides, the climate, and the axis of Earth's rotation?



[Image: joshua.jpg]



God has Joshua kill every living being in the cities of Makkedah, Libnah, Lachish, Gezer, Eglon, Hebron, Debir, and so on and so on until 22 kingdoms had been completely massacred down to the last child. And all this simply because the people of Israel are the "people of God," not because any of those kingdoms were notoriously ruthless or vile.

-This isn't the game Risk... you can't just take over land cause you think you deserve to have it. Anyone that's seen war, imagine how bad it was, then imagine that you had to take a sword and kill defenseless, crying women and children just because your boss said so.



Joshua then divvies up the land among his people and the Bible rambles on for pages about who got what and where the borders of random places resided.



Joshua dies. Punch and pie were served.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like Buddy Christ's post
20-04-2011, 11:46 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Quote:The Lord says that if you want me to topple the walls of Jericho, you must have seven priests take seven ram horns and walk around the city seven times on the seventh day, then blow the horns.

There's a great Radiolab Short on the physics involved in blowing down a wall with trumpets. I don't want to spoil the ending, but it looks as if it's - *gasp* - impossible!

"Remember, my friend, that knowledge is stronger than memory, and we should not trust the weaker." - Dr. Van Helsing, Dracula
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
21-04-2011, 02:02 AM (This post was last modified: 21-04-2011 02:10 AM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: judges_cycle.jpg]



God appoints Judah to run things while Joshua most likely is having a rave party in heaven... even though heaven doesn't exist at this point in the Bible. And within 2 verses of being appointed, Judah has slain 10,000 men for the Lord.

-You know, for being the divine word of God that was so important for men to hear, the Bible just seems to be a glorified recounting of the Lord's military successes.



Judah then kills everyone in Jerusalem and Hebron... gets cocky and goes "Whoever conquers Debir can have my daughter as a wife.

-Example #183,247 of women being subjugated and treated as lessers in the Bible.



1:19 And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.

-Well we've discovered God's kryptonite. When Armageddon comes and the Lord wages his war against us sinners, I'm hopping in my "iron chariot."

[Image: aaa.jpg]



As illustrated in the opening picture, there begins an endless loop where "the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD:" which caused the response: "the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them" to some random king.



An assassination in God's name, followed by the killing of 10,000 Moabites, followed by the killing of 600 Philistines, then Sisera, the leader of one of the enemies, escapes and is met by a woman named Jael, who feeds him, gives him milk, tells him to worry not... then drives a tent stake through his head while he sleeps.

-!!!!!!!



6:1 And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of...

-Staying true to the established theme, People do evil, God gets pissed and sells them into slavery. These have got to be the hardest to convince people on the planet. The Lord, who frequently talks and interacts with these people, has helped them conquer nearly 100 kingdoms to this point, and they remain unimpressed and would rather worship other gods.



Gideon and an angel sit under a tree and have a discussion. Gideon goes "where are all these miracles that our fathers have told us about?" And God intervenes in the convo and goes "oh yeah? I'll help you kill all the Midianites. That'll show you."



6:21 Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff that was in his hand, and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. Then the angel of the LORD departed out of his sight.

-For absolutely no reason, the angel sets a rock on fire with a staff, then disappears. He might as well have went "Ta Daaaa!"



6:34 But the Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet; and Abiezer was gathered after him.

[Image: trumpet-player.jpg]



6:37 Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said.

-I thought I made it clear about not tempting the Lord? Gideon still looking for convincing magic tricks from the Big Guy. Why not get something out of your demands for magic tricks? Why not say "If thou can make a stuffed crust pepperoni pizza appear with a 2 liter of mountain dew... then I will know thou wilt save Israel."



7:7 And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you, and deliver the Midianites into thine hand: and let all the other people go every man unto his place.

-God decides Gideon's army is too big for an impressive victory, so he makes them all drink water and the 300 that "lapped water like a dog" become the new army.



Gideon's masterful plan is to split his 300 men into 3 groups, arm them with trumpets and glass containers, and then surround the enemy, blow the trumpets, break the glasses, and shout "The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon!"

-Sun Tzu be damned, Gideon and his brass section are the true tacticians.



Gideon dies and "much whoring" takes place.



9:9 But the olive tree said unto them, Should I leave my fatness, wherewith by me they honour God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees?

9:10 And the trees said to the fig tree, Come thou, and reign over us.

9:11 But the fig tree said unto them, Should I forsake my sweetness, and my good fruit, and go to be promoted over the trees?

9:12 Then said the trees unto the vine, Come thou, and reign over us.


-If someone can explain this to me, it would just be a delight. Trees... just randomly start talking to each other. If symbolic or a metaphor, it is so poorly done that the message is completely lost. Perhaps they were conspiring as to whether or not to attack Saruman at his wizardly tower.



9:53 And a certain woman cast a piece of a millstone upon Abimelech's head, and all to brake his skull.

9:54 Then he called hastily unto the young man his armourbearer, and said unto him, Draw thy sword, and slay me, that men say not of me, A women slew him. And his young man thrust him through, and he died.


-Kill me quick! I don't want the guys at the office to know a woman bested me. Dynamite sexism there, Bible.



The children sin again and God is fed up with it.

10:13 Yet ye have forsaken me, and served other gods: wherefore I will deliver you no more.

10:14 Go and cry unto the gods which ye have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your tribulation.


-"Why don't you go tell your new best friend your problems," says God, while sulking in the corner.



Jephthah (worst name ever) makes a deal with God that if he helps him slaughter the Ammonites, he will sacrifice the first person who "comes from his house to greet him." So God kills, and Jephthah's daughter is lucky enough to be the one to greet him first. So she "goes up and down the mountains bewailing her virginity" for 2 months (you'd think she'd just use those 2 months to go get laid) and then Jephthah kills her and sacrifices her as promised.

-I guess no last minute Abraham/Isaac rescue this time, eh Lord?



12:6 Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan: and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand.

-LOL. I guess this is akin to having black people say "ask" and "ambulance" and then killing them when they inevitably "axe" for that "amba-lance."



13:9 And God hearkened to the voice of Manoah; and the angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her.

-Husbands are never around when angels come unto women and make them pregnant. (Joke goes to SkepAnnotBib)



SAMSON WAS BORN

-Hell yeah, now we're getting into the good stuff. Samson, the Biblical Chuck Norris who looked like Fabio, bursts into this world with a roundhouse kick through his mom's uterus.



Fabio tells his parents to go get him that fine piece of ass who "pleases him well" so he can make her his wife. Then a random lion appears and Samson goes "I ain't impressed" and drop a Hogan Leg Drop on him.

[Image: samson-31.gif]



Samson poses a terrible riddle to some people, claiming that if they can't solve it within 7 days, they have to give him 30 sheets and 30 garments. They panic and consider burning down his wife's family's house. His wife weeps and tells them the answer so Samson calls her a "heifer" and:

14:19 And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. And his anger was kindled, and he went up to his father's house.

14:20 But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend.


-That's right. He kills 30 random people, steals their stuff and gives it to the people who solved his riddle. Then he gives his cow of a wife to his buddy.



Then he tries to make a booty call on the wife he gave away and the father-in-law says he already gave the wife to someone else since he thought Samson hated her. So Samson gets pissed and decides to take revenge on the Philistines (why??) by catching 300 foxes, lighting their tails on fire and setting them loose in Philistine cornfields.

So the Philistines get pissed and kill the father-in-law and the cow wife (why????) Samson's own people tie him up for being a dick, so he goes all Super Saiyan, breaks the ropes, and kills 1000 people with the jawbone of a donkey, then gets thirsty so the Lord makes water flow from the jawbone for him to drink."


[Image: samson_15_19.jpg]



-Let's all just take a minute and let that all sink in. Moral guidebook, indeed.



16:1 Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her.

-Why is this information in the Bible? The Lord wanted us to know that Samson liked hookers?



Then Samson sleeps with a chick named Delilah, who is being paid to find out Samson's weakness (how do they know he has a weakness?). So she blatantly asked him what his weakness is. He says:

16:7 If they bind me with seven green withs that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

So she binds him with green withs and says "Surprise, it was a trap! The Philistines are upon you now." ... and he breaks free of them and laughs. And she's like:

16:10 Behold, thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: now tell me, I pray thee, wherewith thou mightest be bound.

16:11 And he said unto her, If they bind me fast with new ropes that never were occupied, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.


-This continues, with Delilah going "AHA we've got you now!" and Samson going "Nope, I was just kidding." and she immediately goes "Ahh man, seriously, what's your weakness? Don't you love me?"

-Until he ACTUALLY tells her his weakness, a shaved head, then falls asleep in her lap. So of course they shave him, capture him, and bring him to be sacrificed to their god, so he asks the Lord for the strength to go all terrorist on their asses and brings the house down, killing himself and 3000 people. What kind of building is held up by 2 pillars?

[Image: samson-cd2.gif]



I'm going to post the next piece in its entirety, or else it will seem like I'm making it up.

19:24 Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing.

19:25 But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.

19:26 Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was, till it was light.

19:27 And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold.

19:28 And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place.

19:29 And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.


-(From SkepAnnoBible) After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep. The Levite puts her body on an ass and takes it home. Then he chops the body up into twelve pieces (while still alive?) and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.

-All of this was to "wake people up" and to get them to take action.



So the Israelites gather for war against the Benjamites and the mob who abused the concubine (and not against the guy who chopped her into pieces strangely). God says Judah and his clan should go first in the war against the Benamites... and 22,000 of Judah's clan get slaughtered.

So they ask God again for guidance and he says "yeah sure, try again," and 18,000 more Israelites were killed in an epic fail.

So they go back and say to God "what the fuck is your deal?" and he's like "alright, THIS time you'll win, I'm super serious." And the Israelites prevail.




20:48 And the men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to.

-They pay back a mob of people who sexually abused a concubine... by killing every child from the cities the men came from. Makes sense to me.



But now since all the Benjamite women and children had just been killed, there were no wives for the 600 Benjamite men that survived and became slaves. So the Israelites go "hey, the Jabeshgilead people didn't show up to our concubine war meetings, let's go kill them and take their virgin women!"

21:10 And the congregation sent thither twelve thousand men of the valiantest, and commanded them, saying, Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children.

21:11 And this is the thing that ye shall do, Ye shall utterly destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man.

21:12 And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male: and they brought them unto the camp to Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan.


-So now they've found 400 virgins for the 600 Benjamite men, but they still need 200 more. So they:



21:20 Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards;

21:21 And see, and, behold, if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh, and go to the land of Benjamin.


-Yep. Go kidnap the women of Shiloh while they're dancing. Problem solved.

[Image: judges_21_23_the_benjamites_at_shiloh.jpg]



Ah, the Bible. Teaching us for 2000 years that when faced with a dilemma... genocide, kidnapping, pedophilia, slavery, and animal sacrifices will fix things in a pinch.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Buddy Christ's post
21-04-2011, 08:26 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(21-04-2011 02:02 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  6:37 Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said.

-I thought I made it clear about not tempting the Lord? Gideon still looking for convincing magic tricks from the Big Guy. Why not get something out of your demands for magic tricks? Why not say "If thou can make a stuffed crust pepperoni pizza appear with a 2 liter of mountain dew... then I will know thou wilt save Israel."
Dude! I totally did stuff just like that when I was first thinking about becoming an atheist. Mind you I was 12.




I just tried it again. Still an atheist Big Grin



(21-04-2011 02:02 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  9:9 But the olive tree said unto them, Should I leave my fatness, wherewith by me they honour God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees?

9:10 And the trees said to the fig tree, Come thou, and reign over us.

9:11 But the fig tree said unto them, Should I forsake my sweetness, and my good fruit, and go to be promoted over the trees?

9:12 Then said the trees unto the vine, Come thou, and reign over us.


-If someone can explain this to me, it would just be a delight. Trees... just randomly start talking to each other. If symbolic or a metaphor, it is so poorly done that the message is completely lost. Perhaps they were conspiring as to whether or not to attack Saruman at his wizardly tower.
1. God creates trees
2. God makes trees talk for the time equivalent of 4 biblical passages
3. God decides talking trees are dumb, never does trick again
4. ????
5. Christians profit Sad


(21-04-2011 02:02 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  Jephthah (worst name ever) makes a deal with God that if he helps him slaughter the Ammonites, he will sacrifice the first person who "comes from his house to greet him." So God kills, and Jephthah's daughter is lucky enough to be the one to greet him first. So she "goes up and down the mountains bewailing her virginity" for 2 months (you'd think she'd just use those 2 months to go get laid) and then Jephthah kills her and sacrifices her as promised.
Yeah, just tried the "hey god, if you exist take me back in time to check whether this virgin was hot or not...." you get where I'm going. Didn't work any better than the pizza and dew

(21-04-2011 02:02 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  [Image: samson-31.gif]




[Image: samson_15_19.jpg]
Dude, I swear those two pics and the third one of Samson you posted under these two came straight from a children's bible I used to read religiously...




Can I at least get a chuckle?



(21-04-2011 02:02 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  Then Samson sleeps with a chick named Delilah, who is being paid to find out Samson's weakness (how do they know he has a weakness?). So she blatantly asked him what his weakness is. He says:

16:7 If they bind me with seven green withs that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

So she binds him with green withs and says "Surprise, it was a trap! The Philistines are upon you now." ... and he breaks free of them and laughs. And she's like:

16:10 Behold, thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: now tell me, I pray thee, wherewith thou mightest be bound.

16:11 And he said unto her, If they bind me fast with new ropes that never were occupied, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.


-This continues, with Delilah going "AHA we've got you now!" and Samson going "Nope, I was just kidding." and she immediately goes "Ahh man, seriously, what's your weakness? Don't you love me?"

-Until he ACTUALLY tells her his weakness, a shaved head, then falls asleep in her lap. So of course they shave him, capture him, and bring him to be sacrificed to their god, so he asks the Lord for the strength to go all terrorist on their asses and brings the house down, killing himself and 3000 people. What kind of building is held up by 2 pillars?
This is a very VERY serious part of the bible that you should take very literally man...never EVER tell a bitch your weakness! She will use it against you every time. I'm telling you man, I dated one like that.

(21-04-2011 02:02 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  19:27 And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold.

19:28 And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place.

19:29 And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.[/b]

-(From SkepAnnoBible) After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep. The Levite puts her body on an ass and takes it home. Then he chops the body up into twelve pieces (while still alive?) and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.
Okay, I've seen sexism in the bible. I've seen senseless torture and genocide. Rape comes off as a good thing in certain passages. But this is the first case of an obvious lust murder that I've ever seen in the bible. Dude would have been like Joel Rifkin had he lived in our day. Can't believe I never saw this part before.



(21-04-2011 02:02 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  So they go back and say to God "what the fuck is your deal?" and he's like "alright, THIS time you'll win, I'm super serious." And the Israelites prevail.[/b]
God. Troll extraordinaire? Or just Al Gore, southpark style?


(21-04-2011 02:02 AM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  Ah, the Bible. Teaching us for 2000 years that when faced with a dilemma... genocide, kidnapping, pedophilia, slavery, and animal sacrifices will fix things in a pinch.
You gotta admit man, that puts the history of the christian religion into context. NOW I get where they're coming from.

Something something something Dark Side
Something something something complete
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
24-04-2011, 09:24 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: Book_of_Ruth.jpg]



1:4 And they took them wives of the women of Moab; the name of the one was Orpah, and the name of the other Ruth: and they dwelled there about ten years.



[Image: evil-oprah.jpg]


THE END



-Oh wait... it said "Orpah."



But seriously, the book of Ruth is 4 chapters long and is just the story of how Ruth waited until Boaz got drunk and fell asleep, then undressed him and slept next to him until he woke up. Then Boaz woke up, went "ah what the hell, I'm already naked" and did Ruth. Then he purchased her as his wife.

-Why? Why is this book in the book of the Lord? What message are we supposed to obtain from this? That once again, it's cool to deceive a guy to sleep with him to get what you want?

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
25-04-2011, 05:08 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
They need as many examples of evil women as possible since they can't just rid the world of women. Obviously the actual women seem to keep failing to be such lustful evil creatures as the book says.

I'm not a non believer, I believe in the possibility of anything. I just don't let the actuality of something be determined by a 3rd party.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
26-04-2011, 07:05 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Is it just me or does God ask a lot of questions for someone who is omniscient. Also Adam and Eve really were set up, God must of known that they would epically fail yet he still put them in that situation. How mean!
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
26-04-2011, 07:08 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
I have been reading these over the passed couple days. I love it, I love that I can understand this book now. I could make no sense of it before. Thanks for all the time you are taking- I laughed a lot too. Guess I just don't understand Hebrew translated into ye ol' English. Can't wait to read more!
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-05-2011, 07:04 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
This one is for the theists who have invaded our forum with the mentality of a cancer; invade and attack.

[Image: 240691230_tp.jpg]


The Lord "shuts up Hannah's womb" so that it's only by his grace that she bear children. Samuel pops out.

-Like taking candy from a child so that you can give it back to them and be the cause of their joy... the joy that's replacing the pain you also caused.



2:8 ...for the pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon them.

-This wonderful chestnut is one of many wrong details about the earth that appear in the Bible. This line also gives credence to glaringly obvious fact that the knowledge of the Bible were limited to the knowledge and demographics of the men who wrote it.

-And if it is supposed to be figurative... figurative of what? What exactly are figurative pillars that the earth is sitting upon?



The Lord calls out to Samuel 3 times before getting through (bad reception in heaven), and says:

3:11 And the LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle.


-The writing style of Samuel is much different than the previous books; different grammar, word choices, etc. And also the Lord is gonna make some ears tingle.

-Then God tells Samuel that Eli's descendants will be forever punished because of some sins that his sons committed.



4:18 And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years.

-After finding out his 2 sons had died in battle, Eli goes "well what about the ark?" then falls backwards off his chair and breaks his neck. Just fantastic.

[Image: shmuel-a04b-eli.jpg]



God kills roughly 50,000 people for being around and looking at his Ark.

-Possessive son of a bitch, ain't he? "That's MY ark. Don't look at it, stupid!"



9:3 And Kish said to Saul his son, Take now one of the servants with thee, and arise, go seek the asses.

-Oh if only my morals would let me quote mine.



10:3 Then shalt thou go on forward from thence, and thou shalt come to the plain of Tabor, and there shall meet thee three men going up to God to Bethel, one carrying three kids, and another carrying three loaves of bread, and another carrying a bottle of wine:

10:4 And they will salute thee, and give thee two loaves of bread; which thou shalt receive of their hands.


-Saul predicts the future for Samuel and then it happens, much like... an Oracle?

[Image: Oracle%20bench.jpg]



Saul is chosen to become king, but they can't find him. So the Lord pokes his head out of the clouds and goes:

10:22 Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff.

10:23 And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward.


-That's right. Perhaps he's hiding in his "stuff."



11:1 Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the men of Jabesh said unto Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve thee.

11:2 And Nahash the Ammonite answered them, On this condition will I make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes


-Didn't the Bible already say that the men of Jabeshgilead had been killed off a few years ago? (Judges) And sure we'll make a deal with you... just poke out your right eye. Better than a handshake.



More animal sacrifices and slaughtering as the Israelites battle the Philistines.



God commands Saul to slaughter every man, woman, and child of the Amalekites to appease a grudge he has against them from hundreds of years ago. Saul kills everyone but the king and the best cattle to sacrifice to the Lord, and the Lord gets super pissed because He said kill everyone.




15:22 And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.

15:23 For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.


-I've got red flags going off in my brain. This clearly magnifies the use of the Bible as tools used by rulers to keep order of the masses. Obey. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. Martin Luther King Jr was apparently the devil.



15:32 Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past.

15:33 And Samuel said, As the sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal.


-Soooo, Samuel chops the king into pieces for the amusement of the Lord



God secretly makes David the new king since Saul refused to kill and:

16:14 But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him.

-God... the most goodly being possible... sends an evil spirit to fuck with Saul. Satan, my ass. God make the snake in the garden and is now sending demonic spirits to harass people who don't want to massacre people. Later David plays a harp to make Saul's evil spirit go away.



David slays Goliath... then cuts off his head and parades around with it.

[Image: Dave-and-Goliath.jpeg]



Saul makes David collect 100 Philistine foreskins in order to purchase Saul's daughter as his wife. So David plays the overachiever and collects 200 foreskins. Not sure what you'd want with the skin of 200 dicks... perhaps make a soup.



20:30 Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness?

20:41 And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another


-Jonathan and David get all gay with each other and Saul gets pissed and throws a spear at Jonathan.



[Image: clipart%20jonathan%20and%20david.JPG?tim...9647599716]



David demands that Nabal, a wanderer, give him all his stuff and Nabal goes "who the hell is David, I haven't even heard of this prick. Should I start giving my stuff to anyone that claims to deserve it?" and leaves, except later Nabal's wife packs up all his stuff and brings it to David and grovels, where David then declares multiple times that he would kill anyone "that pisseth against a wall."

10 days later, God kills Nabal and David takes all his stuff and his wife anyways.




27:9 And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive

-It doesn't really matter at this point if I tell you who was killed, just know that God can't stand to go for a few months without slaughtering entire cities.



Saul uses a witch to do her necromancy and bring Samuel back from the dead... so that he can once again go "Dude, how come God rejected me again?" and Samuel's all like "I already told you, dude. You didn't kill everyone like God said to... oh and by the way, you and your sons are going to die tomorrow. Peace."

[Image: david-witch-endor2.jpg]

Notice that the witch has a wand. It just wouldn't be TRUE magic without a magic wand.



Saul's sons and armorbearer are killed by the Philistines so Saul falls on his own sword and kills himself.



The Amalekites... who have been completely wiped out twice in the past few years by the Israelites... invade a bunch of cities and take a bunch of people hostage without killing any of them (which side is the moral one?), so David catches up with them, kills them all (again), and rescues his two wives.



[NOTE]
The more I read the Bible and see "This person then went over here and said this... then they fell down grovelling... then they secretly did this and whispered this to this person before killing him with this object" ...the more I realize that no one is there taking notes. There isn't a court stenographer following each person along jotting down the specifics and dialogues of these people. How does anyone know what the angel who visited this person in the night said or that God was angry for this specific reason?

Realize that this is a work of fiction and so plot lines, dialogues, motives, and details are easily made up to move the story along.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Buddy Christ's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: