An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
10-05-2011, 09:42 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
That's right bitches! I'm still doing these.
At this point, it's completely autodidacticism (it's a word) driven. I don't care if anyone is still following me in this journey, because I'm learning more parodying each passage than I have in my 10 or so previous readings of the Bible. I specifically referenced Saul's jealousy for David from 1 Samuel in an argument recently to my and the other person's surprise, when before I could only remember the gist of biblical messages.
So let us continue the learning.
2nd Samuel starts off with two contradictions. A messenger says to David that 1. He was an Amalekite (but they have been completely slaughtered several times now, including the entire reason that Saul was shunned and killed in the first place... because he killed all but the king of the Amalekites) and 2. The messenger claims to have slain Saul, even though 1st Samuel says Saul fell upon his own sword.
So David has the messenger killed.... ???
David describes the love of Jonathan to be greater than that of a woman.
2:8 But Abner the son of Ner, captain of Saul's host, took Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and brought him over to Mahanaim;
2:9 And made him king over Gilead, and over the Ashurites, and over Jezreel, and over Ephraim, and over Benjamin, and over all Israel.
-Apparently the author of 2nd Samuel didn't get the memo from the author of 1st Samuel about the whole "Saul and all his family and friends being killed," because Saul's son pops into existence and is made king.
2:14 And Abner said to Joab, Let the young men now arise, and play before us. And Joab said, Let them arise.
2:15 Then there arose and went over by number twelve of Benjamin, which pertained to Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and twelve of the servants of David.
2:16 And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow's side; so they fell down together: wherefore that place was called Helkathhazzurim, which is in Gibeon.
-I'm hoping the word "play" was mistranslated, because after the young men finish stabbing each other in the side (in a playful, fatally wounding kind of way), the house of Saul and the house of David continue "playing" until 300 men are dead. And this tactical "playfare" continues for a few decades.
Then a lot of people get stabbed "under the fifth rib." Much like the "sprinkling the blood seven times" guy, this author found a repeating phrase he can keep coming back to.
A lot of assassinations take place, and then the assassins are punished by being cut into pieces and hung from various places.
5:19 And David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand.
-David's like "Yo God, you wanna go arbitrarily kill some more Philistines?" and the Lord is all like "Hellz yeah! I'll go get my shotgun." God hates the Philistines simply for being born in the wrong country.
While transporting God's ark, it starts to fall off the ox wagon, so Uzzah stops it from falling with his hand... so God kills him. "I said don't touch my treasure chest, bitches!"
6:14 And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod.
-King David dances in his underwear for God, and Michal, the daughter of Saul sees him and goes "dude, what the fuck are you doing?" and David's like "umm, hello? It's for GOD!" and God curses Michal with a worthless vagina.
6:23 Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.
-Even though... later in the Bible, she gives birth to 5 sons
David kills a lot more Philistines and Syrians just because he can.
11:1 And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah.
-Is there any context in any scenario where the killing of children is righteous or moral? Perhaps if they are all demon spawn, like Children of the Damned. But seriously, "And they destroyed the children" ... anyone who claims the Bible is a moral guide should be immediately slapped in the face from this point on.
David then proves why he's God go-to guy by seeing a hot chick, sending for her, sleeping with her, and getting her pregnant. And when he finds out she's pregnant David has her husband come home from battle to try to trick him into thinking it's the husbands kid.
But the husband refuses to go to his house saying, "why should I be allowed to eat, drink, and enjoy the comforts of my home while my combat brothers still fight in the fields?" Great, so the husband is also a noble man.
So David tries the oldest trick in the Good Book, getting him drunk... but he still refuses to go home to his wife. So David sends him back into battle with instructions to his commanders to put him at the front of the most dangerous battles, where he of course dies. Then David marries the dude's wife.
11:27 And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.
-FINALLY! The Lord is displeased! It took many books and incest and genocide and slaughtering babies and children and rape. But when David knocks up a soldier's wife, the Lord is like "Whoa whoa whoa! What is this? Adultery? Not on my watch, mister!"
12:7 And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man.
-I'm going to start using this one in conversations. "Ohhh, nice shot dude! Thou art the man!"
12:11 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.
12:14 Howbeit, because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die.
-So to "punish" David, God gives some of his several wives to his neighbor so that everyone can watch them screw... and then kills the innocent child that David never wanted in the first place. Wow what a terrible punishment.
After the baby dies, David goes about his day all chipper and the servants ask him why he isn't mourning the baby and he goes "I did mourn... while the baby was alive. But since God took the child anyways, there's nothing I can do about it." (Shrug) Then since the baby's mother (dead soldier's wife) is grieving, David humps her again and she gives birth to another kid.
13:1 And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.
13:2 And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do anything to her.
13:6 So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand.
13:11 And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.
13:14 Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.
-David's son rapes his own sister so that she'll marry him (Bible law as stated earlier, raped virgins must marry their rapists), but she refuses. So the rapist's brother (Absalom) has the servants murder him to make everybody feel better.
16:22 So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel.
-Absalom has a big orgy for all the land to witness.
18:7 Where the people of Israel were slain before the servants of David, and there was there a great slaughter that day of twenty thousand men.
18:8 For the battle was there scattered over the face of all the country: and the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured.
-Ummm. What? The trees ate people?
Absalom gets his head caught in an oak tree so Joab throw darts through his heart.
God puts a famine on David's people for three years because of things Saul did back in the day. So to appease God, David hangs 2 of Saul's sons and 5 sons of Michal (who... as mentioned previously... couldn't bear children).
A few pages about how God can shake the foundations of heaven with his wrath and how he can breathe fire and ride cherubs and fire arrows, and praises are given to God for his ability to break enemy necks and take names.
Rambles on about the heroic deeds of random soldiers (such as the captain who killed 800 men at one time with his spear).
David sins by "incorrectly numbering the amount of people that he controlled" so he asks God for forgiveness. And being the blood thirsty God that we know and love so much, God offers David a choice of 3 options. Door number 1? A famine of 7 years on his people. Door number 2? Flee from your enemies for 3 months. And Door number 3? A pestilence on your people for 3 days.
-So of course David picks the shortest one (gotta be a sucker bet) and God sends a pestilence that kills 70,000 of David's men... but of course leaves David completely unharmed (that'll teach him!).
Bet you'll count how many people you have correctly next time, asshole!
"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."
"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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