An atheist's critique of the Bible (Book and eBook now available)
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26-05-2011, 06:18 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
2nd Chronicles, here we g......

[Image: wpid-asleep-at-desk-2010-11-4-06-511.jpg]



And I'm back.



First 13 or so chapters of 2nd Chronic (my nickname for this book, not Dr Dre's upcoming album) are yet more recapping of things we've already covered, such as Solomon and his conquests.



13:15 Then the men of Judah gave a shout: and as the men of Judah shouted, it came to pass, that God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah.

13:16 And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand.

13:17 And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men.


-The people of Judah kill 500,000 Israelite men and children (because the Israelis followed Jeroboam's rule, who was not a descendant of David... and God had promised Israel to David forever). Seems these religious wars are increasing in scale.



14:11 And Asa cried unto the LORD his God, and said, LORD, it is nothing with thee to help, whether with many, or with them that have no power: help us, O LORD our God; for we rest on thee, and in thy name we go against this multitude. O LORD, thou art our God; let no man prevail against thee.

14:12 So the LORD smote the Ethiopians before Asa, and before Judah; and the Ethiopians fled.


-God kills one million Ethiopians. What are we, like 14 books into the Bible? Nearly every page so far has been a glorified recounting of God's military successes. Call me crazy, but if I were to conceive of a divine book of moral guidance... it certainly wouldn't start off by celebrating the millions and millions of people that were killed in the name of a deity. Not once has the Bible hinted at regret or remorse for all the people killed.



15:13 That whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.

-Wow. This is a pretty weighted line. Men, women, and children should be killed if they don't believe.



16:12 And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians.

-Still relevant today. Those who condemn science still seek a doctor rather than pray when it comes to their health.



God tells his people "hang back, I got this one" and makes the Moabites, Ammonites, and Edomites go crazy and fight each other so that the people of Judah didn't even have to do battle.

20:22 And when they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten.


-Oh yeah... and of course he included the children in the slaughter.

[Image: full_886822714.jpg]



21:11 Moreover he made high places in the mountains of Judah and caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication, and compelled Judah thereto.

21:12 And there came a writing to him from Elijah the prophet...

21:14 Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives, and all thy goods:

21:15 And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out by reason of the sickness day by day.

21:16 Moreover the LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians:

21:17 And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away all the substance that was found in the king's house, and his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons.

21:18 And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease.

21:19 And it came to pass, that in process of time, after the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness


-Sooooo, let me get this straight: Jeroham made "high places" which caused everyone to start having an orgy, so Elijah (who had already taken the joyride up to heaven at this point in the story) wrote to him and said "dude, God doesn't like what you did so He's going to plague your people and your family and also your bowels are going to fall out, peace nigga." And not only that, God purposely pissed off the Philistines and the Arabians so that they broke into his house, stole his wives and his children... and then his bowels fell out as promised.

-Seems like the only way out of God's Gang is death.



25:1 Amaziah was twenty and five years old when he began to reign, and he reigned twenty and nine years in Jerusalem. And his mother's name was Jehoaddan of Jerusalem.

25:2 And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart.

25:3 Now it came to pass, when the kingdom was established to him, that he slew his servants that had killed the king his father.


-Also very gangsta like, everyone that steps up as God's number 1 seems to have to kill someone before God takes them seriously.



25:11 And Amaziah strengthened himself, and led forth his people, and went to the valley of salt, and smote of the children of Seir ten thousand.

25:12 And other ten thousand left alive did the children of Judah carry away captive, and brought them unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces.


-What. The fuck. Now it just seems like God is picking on children specifically. Ten thousand killed... and then ten thousand kept alive so that they can be thrown from a cliff.

[Image: father-daughter-flying.jpg]



26:1 Then all the people of Judah took Uzziah, who was sixteen years old, and made him king in the room of his father Amaziah.

26:4 And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Amaziah did.

26:6 And he went forth and warred against the Philistines...


-Once again... gotta get those initiation rites out of the way.



26:16 But when he was strong, his heart was lifted up to his destruction: for he transgressed against the LORD his God, and went into the temple of the LORD to burn incense upon the altar of incense.

26:18 And they withstood Uzziah the king, and said unto him, It appertaineth not unto thee, Uzziah, to burn incense unto the LORD, but to the priests the sons of Aaron, that are consecrated to burn incense: go out of the sanctuary; for thou hast trespassed

26:20 And Azariah the chief priest, and all the priests, looked upon him, and, behold, he was leprous in his forehead, and they thrust him out from thence; yea, himself hasted also to go out, because the LORD had smitten him.


-Amaziah is stoked about his righteous killing of Philistines so he goes to burn some incense for the Lord... and is cursed with leprosy since only priests are allowed to burn incense.

-There's a pattern here. Someone takes over as God's Sword of Wraith, kills someone to prove himself, God goes "I got your back, you don't have to worry about anything ever again," and then God completely turns his back on him for a minor infraction of the rules, and utterly destroys everyone involved. Rinse and repeat.



27:1 Jotham was twenty and five years old when he began to reign, and he reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem.

27:2 And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Uzziah did: howbeit he entered not into the temple of the LORD


-There's part one and part two. Can we get a trifecta?

27:5 He fought also with the king of the Ammonites, and prevailed against them.

-Booyah!



28:1 Ahaz was twenty years old when he began to reign, and he reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem

28:5 Wherefore the LORD his God delivered him into the hand of the king of Syria; and they smote him, and carried away a great multitude of them captives, and brought them to Damascus. And he was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter.


-Kablammo!

[Image: Angry-God.jpg]



The last few chapters recount the acts of Hezekiah and Manasseh again and mentions all the kings who took over (usually aged 8-12) and died within a decade or two.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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26-05-2011, 10:45 PM (This post was last modified: 26-05-2011 11:08 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
[Image: ezra.png]



Real short and sweet, Ezra is only 10 chapters long.



2:63 And the Tirshatha said unto them, that they should not eat of the most holy things, till there stood up a priest with Urim and with Thummim.


-This is the fourth time so far that the Bible mentions the Urim and the Thummim (aka the magic seeing stones that Joseph Smith uses to read from the magic plates in the Book of Mormon). It's weird that it's never discussed in the Judeo-Christian religions.



9:2 For they have taken of their daughters for themselves, and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands: yea, the hand of the princes and rulers hath been chief in this trespass.

-God is pissed that the holy lineage of Jews is being mixed with foreigners. Strange, this sounds very similar to... oh... I don't know...


HITLER!

[Image: hitler-baby.jpg]


Bonus: If you google "hitler divine race" the first result is my old post on this forum.


That's it. The message of the Book of Ezra is: Jews should only sleep with other Jews to maintain the Seed of Righteousness.

Bam bam, we're knocking out these books left and right.


Edit: I'm tired of trying to figure out how to keep these 2 posts separate, so here's a 2 for 1 deal.


[Image: nehemiah_on_wall.png]



The only thing noteworthy in Nehemiah (besides that awesome pic I found) is that it has the same list of "names and numbers of children of the province" as Ezra had... and as SkeptAnnot (can't improve on perfection so why try?) states:

"Here we find the same long, boring list that is given in the second chapter of Ezra. The only interesting thing about these two lists is that they directly contradict one another. For instance, Neh.7:10 says that 652 children of Arah returned from captivity in Babylon, while Ezra 2:5 says that 775 of them returned. There are 15 similar contradictions between the two accounts. "

Nothing like contradictions in juxtaposed books to exhibit how "divinely inspired" this hunk of crap is.


On to the next one.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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27-05-2011, 12:12 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Now we come upon (to the delight of 80 year old women everywhere) the unfortunately named:

[Image: work.2532445.2.flat,550x550,075,f.book-of-esther.jpg]



The story opens with Ahasuerus, the king of the region where India presently is, hosting a party and drinking wine in golden chalices with all his princes.

He commands his seven chamberlains:

1:11 To bring Vashti the queen before the king with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on.

[Image: Crown-Royal-Pillow-Bottle_8B9BC8DC.jpg]

She declines and that pisses the king off. so he throws down the law:

1:20 And when the king's decree which he shall make shall be published throughout all his empire, (for it is great,) all the wives shall give to their husbands honour, both to great and small.

and "that every man should bear rule in his own house."


-You don't want to shake your ass for me and my drunk friends? Fine. all wives in my kingdom shall be servile towards their husbands... it's the law!



2:2 Then said the king's servants that ministered unto him, Let there be fair young virgins sought for the king:

2:4 And let the maiden which pleaseth the king be queen instead of Vashti. And the thing pleased the king; and he did so.


-Still pissed at his queen for not being his plaything, the king sleeps with a bunch of virgins and the one that he likes best will be the new queen.

-Ah the Bible, the moral handbook for strong, independent women everywhere.



After "purifying" the virgins in oils and fragrances for 12 months, the king has his orgy, and the winner of the sex contest? Yup. Good ol' Esther.

2:17 And the king loved Esther above all the women, and she obtained grace and favour in his sight more than all the virgins; so that he set the royal crown upon her head, and made her queen instead of Vashti.




3:2 And all the king's servants, that were in the king's gate, bowed, and reverenced Haman: for the king had so commanded concerning him. But Mordecai bowed not, nor did him reverence.

-Haman gets pissed that this Jew fellow refuses to bow to him. So he asks the king's permission to kill all the Jews in the kingdom. The king says yes.

3:13 And the letters were sent by posts into all the king's provinces, to destroy, to kill, and to cause to perish, all Jews, both young and old, little children and women, in one day, even upon the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, which is the month Adar, and to take the spoil of them for a prey.

-So because one Jew didn't bow, the king sets a day (the 13th of December) to kill all the Jews in his kingdom.



Esther and Mordecai talk back and forth about what the king had done, so she tells him to fast for 3 days (?) and then has him come to the castle. Haman sees him and gets so uber-pissed that he and his friends build a gallows to hang him. But Esther tells the king that Haman is evil for wanting to kill the Jews... even though... Haman clearly gets the king's permission first... anyways. So the king sees that Haman is evil and hangs him on the gallows that Haman built for Mordecai, then gives all of Haman's belongings to Mordecai (there's some serious forgetfulness going on here).

[Image: two-gallows.jpg]



Then, at Mordecai's request, Esther convinces the king to command the Jews to attack those who would attack them on the 13th.

8:11 Wherein the king granted the Jews which were in every city to gather themselves together, and to stand for their life, to destroy, to slay and to cause to perish, all the power of the people and province that would assault them, both little ones and women, and to take the spoil of them for a prey,


-So instead of just, you know... calling off the Jewpocalypse so that no one has to die. The king commands the Jew to kill those who were going to kill them, including women and children (of course).



8:17 And in every province, and in every city, whithersoever the king's commandment and his decree came, the Jews had joy and gladness, a feast and a good day. And many of the people of the land became Jews; for the fear of the Jews fell upon them.

-Ah, religious conversion through fear of death. Business as usual.



9:1 Now in the twelfth month, that is, the month Adar, on the thirteenth day of the same, when the king's commandment and his decree drew near to be put in execution, in the day that the enemies of the Jews hoped to have power over them, (though it was turned to the contrary, that the Jews had rule over them that hated them

9:2 The Jews gathered themselves togetherin their cities throughout all the provinces of the king Ahasuerus, to lay hand on such as sought their hurt: and no man could withstand them; for the fear of them fell upon all people.

9:5 Thus the Jews smote all their enemies with the stroke of the sword, and slaughter, and destruction, and did what they would unto those that hated them.

...And in Shushan the palace the Jews slew and destroyed five hundred men... and slew three hundred men... and slew of their foes seventy and five thousand...


-The Jews take the whole "defend yourself" thing a bit too far... and just... kinda start killing everyone.

[Image: 1525475-bear_jew_super.jpg]



So in the other book about a woman (Ruth), the moral was: trick a man into sleeping with you and reap the benefits. In Esther, we learn that a woman who wins a sex contest can use her king husband as a puppet master and play the game of genocide herself (Esther has 2 guards killed out of suspicion, then has the king kill Haman, then has the king decree that the Jews should kill people, then has the 10 sons of Haman hung... all in the span of 10 chapters).

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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27-05-2011, 09:01 AM (This post was last modified: 27-05-2011 09:06 AM by UnderTheMicroscope.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Hey BC, can I haz question?
Recently I've heard the argument that jesus is accepted to have existed by MAJORITY of modern scholars, then the people making the claim go onto citing Josephus, Tacitus, and Lucian as proof he existed.
I've done my own reading on the subject but I haven't found all that much useful information, so what is your take on this?

Hey brother christian, with your high and mighty errand, your actions speak so loud, I can't hear a word you're saying.

"This machine kills fascists..."

"Well this machine kills commies!"
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27-05-2011, 01:24 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
(27-05-2011 09:01 AM)UnderTheMicroscope Wrote:  Hey BC, can I haz question?
Recently I've heard the argument that jesus is accepted to have existed by MAJORITY of modern scholars, then the people making the claim go onto citing Josephus, Tacitus, and Lucian as proof he existed.
I've done my own reading on the subject but I haven't found all that much useful information, so what is your take on this?


The first I'd heard of this was during a History class at college. We were discussing the origin of Christianity and the teacher put up a list of 12 historians he described as "the credible ones of that era." Then he pointed out that only 3 of them (Josephus, Tacitus, and Lucian) ever acknowledged a man named Jesus who was crucified for pushing his "cult beliefs" on people.

Personally, there's discrepancies between the 3 historian accounts that bother me. Some use the term "Chrestus" and some call the man "Christus." But what bothers me most is that the three historians refer to him by names that are synonymous with "Christ." Which comes from the Greek word Khristos, meaning Messiah. The man's name was Jesus of Nazareth (or Galilee depending on what mood you're in). Why were these "unbiased historians" calling him the messiah?

But I find it fruitless to try to convince people that a man named Jesus didn't exist. It's easier to give them that base and just judge from his teachings compared to other prophets. Though most Christians seem to think "love thy enemy" is the most original and divinely inspired thing anyone has ever said... but then again, Christians are brain damaged.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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27-05-2011, 01:49 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
I don't know when Tacitus was born but Josephus and Lucian were far after the time jesus supposedly lived, that and, jesus isn't mentioned in any of josephus' original writings. The only writings of his that mention jesus are from 4 centuries after his death. Even discarding that, it doesn't fit in context with what is written in the Antiquities of the Jews 18, chapter 1(if I remember) was about self-proclaimed messiahs of the day and makes no mention of jesus, then suddenly when hes talking about the murder of jews by the romans in goes this little blurb about the divine messiah and personal savior.

Hey brother christian, with your high and mighty errand, your actions speak so loud, I can't hear a word you're saying.

"This machine kills fascists..."

"Well this machine kills commies!"
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27-05-2011, 02:11 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Yeah, I don't know too much about it (I showed up for half my History classes and got a C), so don't go off anything I say. But if what you're saying is true, that just seems a tad ridiculous to me.

Even with the advancements we've made with technology and the power of the internet for everyone in the world to be simultaneously connected with each other, and considering how much more advanced we would have become over 400 years... I STILL wouldn't trust a historian's account of say Harold Camping (he was technically a prophet, in that no one really know him and he claimed to have supernatural knowledge) written 400 years from now. And then you consider that back during the time of Jesus, it was all word of mouth, and scrolls written in a time when half the population was illiterate, and information was constantly altered by monarchs and government officials to better suit their needs.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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30-05-2011, 11:41 PM (This post was last modified: 30-05-2011 11:50 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Let us now move on to the Big Book of Hand

[Image: Job1.jpg]

s. Errr, wait that's a different book. Though I wasn't kidding about the Big part. This beast is 42 chapters long.



So there's this man, "whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil."



1:6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them.


-I googled "sons of God" to see a theist explanation real quick, and apparently they are taking it as another term for "angels." Though as to why Satan was allowed to be among them in the presence of this "all-knowing" God is beyond me. And Satan still hasn't actually be explained for being such a big part of this religion. Since Hell isn't even invented until the New Testament, Old Testament Satan is just another angel. And if you compare him to God, the winner of the Biggest Evil Dickhead ® contest has been clear since Exodus. Satan is simply an extension of God, who God created to take the blame for the things God has been doing. "Don't look at me! It was Satan's fault!"



1:7 And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.

-Well. there goes the whole "the snake was Satan" theory. God (the all knowing) didn't know where Satan was, and Satan is like "Eh, just wandering around Earth, messing with people, chillin." So clearly the "snake who was forced to crawl in the dirt for tempting Eve" wasn't this angel who is free to roam around as he pleases.


[Image: Lucifer.JPG]
(Satan apparently hit the gym HARD after he was exiled. If God didn't want us to be followers of Satan, then why did he make him so badass looking?)


1:8 And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?

-God nudges Satan and goes "Have you seen my latest protege? Completely obedient."



And Satan goes, "Meh, he only worships you because you bless him with stuff." And God (completely falling into Satan's psychological trap) goes "Nuh uh, I'll prove it to you."

-So God grants Satan his powers to go kill off all Job's thousands of livestock and servants.



1:18 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house:

1:19 And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee.


-And then kills all his children by caving their house in on them. At this point, it would be righteous of Job to DENOUNCE God, who killed all his children for a fun game. But no...



1:21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

-You grovelling little bitch. Your children were just executed by this tyrant and you're blessing his name?



And God's like, "see, told you he'd still worship me." And Satan goes, "that was nothing, I bet if you cursed his flesh, he'd turn on you."

So God gives Satan his powers again and goes "do whatever, just don't kill him."

2:7 So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown.



2:9 Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die.

2:10 But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?


-Job's wife (the only one in this story so far with any brains) goes, "What are you a coward, bitch? If you had any integrity, you would curse this homicidal dick and die for a good cause." To which Job replied, "Shut up, stupid woman. We have been blessed by God so it's His right to take it away."

Which is like saying that since your boss gave you a raise, he has every right to sleep with your wife.



Job goes on a 4 chapter rant, cursing the day he was born and getting all Shakespearean/gothic about life.

6:7 The things that my soul refused to touch are as my sorrowful meat.

6:8 Oh that I might have my request; and that God would grant me the thing that I long for!

6:9 Even that it would please God to destroy me; that he would let loose his hand, and cut me off!



[Image: job_suffering.jpg]



7:7 O remember that my life is wind: mine eye shall no more see good.

7:8 The eye of him that hath seen me shall see me no more: thine eyes are upon me, and I am not.

7:9 As the cloud is consumed and vanisheth away: so he that goeth down to the grave shall come up no more.


-Job kinda confessing that there is no afterlife. "Game Over man! Game over!" Until one of Job's friends grabs him and goes "Get a hold of yourself, man!" ...which, in Biblical-speak sounds like:

8:20 "Behold, God will not cast away a perfect man, neither will he help the evil doers"



9:6 Which shaketh the earth out of her place, and the pillars thereof tremble.

9:7 Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not; and sealeth up the stars.


-Some serious scientific facepalms going on there.



[Image: job.jpg]



9:17 For he breaketh me with a tempest, and multiplieth my wounds without cause.

9:18 He will not suffer me to take my breath, but filleth me with bitterness.

9:19 If I speak of strength, lo, he is strong: and if of judgment, who shall set me a time to plead?

9:23 If the scourge slay suddenly, he will laugh at the trial of the innocent.

9:24 The earth is given into the hand of the wicked: he covereth the faces of the judges thereof; if not, where, and who is he?


-Job still stumbling around cursing God's name.



10:3 Is it good unto thee that thou shouldest oppress, that thou shouldest despise the work of thine hands, and shine upon the counsel of the wicked?

-Job spitting some truth at God's ass



10:4 Hast thou eyes of flesh? or seest thou as man seeth?

10:5 Are thy days as the days of man? are thy years as man's days,

10:6 That thou enquirest after mine iniquity, and searchest after my sin?

10:7 Thou knowest that I am not wicked; and there is none that can deliver out of thine hand.

10:8 Thine hands have made me and fashioned me together round about; yet thou dost destroy me.

10:9 Remember, I beseech thee, that thou hast made me as the clay; and wilt thou bring me into dust again?

10:10 Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?

10:11 Thou hast clothed me with skin and flesh, and hast fenced me with bones and sinews.

10:12 Thou hast granted me life and favour, and thy visitation hath preserved my spirit.

10:13 And these things hast thou hid in thine heart: I know that this is with thee.

10:14 If I sin, then thou markest me, and thou wilt not acquit me from mine iniquity.

10:15 If I be wicked, woe unto me; and if I be righteous, yet will I not lift up my head. I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction;


-I know that's a lot of scripture, but I love this part. Job questions the nature of God and wonders aloud the same things that confused free thinkers still wonder today. "Did you make me just to destroy me? Why bless me with life just to take it away? I am confused, have I sinned?" It's beautiful poetry.

I AM FORSAKEN!



Job's friends try to argue on God's behalf and Job says:

13:7 Will ye speak wickedly for God? and talk deceitfully for him?

13:8 Will ye accept his person? will ye contend for God?


-Stop lying for God. Recognize him for who he really is.


[Image: Job-2.jpg]


14:5 Seeing his days are determined, the number of his months are with thee, thou hast appointed his bounds that he cannot pass;

-Job, apparently a philosopher at heart, talks about newborn babies and how their days are already numbered by God. Their fate is not their own to decide.



Then after pointing out that trees die, but can be reborn through their seeds in the ground, he contemplates human death. I'm starting to love this guy.

14:10 But man dieth, and wasteth away: yea, man giveth up the ghost, and where is he?

14:12 So man lieth down, and riseth not: till the heavens be no more, they shall not awake, nor be raised out of their sleep.

14:13 O that thou wouldest hide me in the grave, that thou wouldest keep me secret, until thy wrath be past, that thou wouldest appoint me a set time, and remember me!

14:14 If a man die, shall he live again?


(Stands and start the "slow clap")



Job's 3rd friend tries his luck at comforting Job and says:

15:5 For thy mouth uttereth thine iniquity, and thou choosest the tongue of the crafty.

15:6 Thine own mouth condemneth thee, and not I: yea, thine own lips testify against thee.


-What a choad. You can't censor truth, asshat!



16:1 Then Job answered and said,

16:2 I have heard many such things: miserable comforters are ye all.

16:3 Shall vain words have an end? or what emboldeneth thee that thou answerest?

16:4 I also could speak as ye do: if your soul were in my soul's stead, I could heap up words against you, and shake mine head at you.


-Job. Telling it. Like he sees it.

-I take back my previous judgments. Job would have been welcomed to this forum with open arms for questioning God and stating the obvious flaws in God's work.


(Job's friends try to comfort him again and again he lays down the Rolling Thunder of Awesomeness)

19:7 Behold, I cry out of wrong, but I am not heard: I cry aloud, but there is no judgment.

19:22 Why do ye persecute me as God, and are not satisfied with my flesh?




21:7 Wherefore do the wicked live, become old, yea, are mighty in power?

21:9 Their houses are safe from fear, neither is the rod of God upon them.

21:13 They spend their days in wealth, and in a moment go down to the grave.

21:14 Therefore they say unto God, Depart from us; for we desire not the knowledge of thy ways.

21:15 What is the Almighty, that we should serve him? and what profit should we have, if we pray unto him?


-Seriously, I happen to have been listening to this song and it fits so well with Job's condemnation of God.







Job's friends telling Job that the Lord is super powerful and Job telling them that the Lord is a dick, back and forth until the three friends give up and leave and a fourth man shows up to try his luck.

He basically tells Job the exact same thing the other three told him. That God is awesome and powerful and gives us rain and mountains and clouds and for all this He has given, He gets nothing in return.



38:1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said,

38:2 Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge?

38:3 Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me.

38:4 Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding


-Finally, after 38 chapters of Job's misery and wailing to the heavens, God shows up (in a whirlwind?) and goes "Man up, punk. Who was it that built the earth again? Oh right, that was ME." And then God (who had apparently been off smoking weed this entire time... only way to explain this next part), says this:



38:6 Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof;

38:7 When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

38:8 Or who shut up the sea with doors, when it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb?

38:9 When I made the cloud the garment thereof, and thick darkness a swaddlingband for it,

38:10 And brake up for it my decreed place, and set bars and doors,

38:11 And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed?

38:12 Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days; and caused the dayspring to know his place;

38:13 That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it?


-In trying to sound like a self-righteous badass, God says some strange things. Like that he made clouds with garments and used doors to stop the flow of the sea. And that if he wanted to, he could shake the earth like a blanket (cause it's flat and all) and all the evil would fly off like dust.


[Image: laughing_jesus.jpg]


38:21 Knowest thou it, because thou wast then born? or because the number of thy days is great?

38:22 Hast thou entered into the treasures of the snow? or hast thou seen the treasures of the hail,

38:23 Which I have reserved against the time of trouble, against the day of battle and war?


-What? God goes "Oh I'm sorry, were YOU born back when I created all this? Oh right, it's because you've lived forever. Then he mentions that he's got a stockpile of hail and snow saved up just in case some war breaks out? Apparently, God is capable of being a sarcastic douche when he needs to be.



38:33 Knowest thou the ordinances of heaven? canst thou set the dominion thereof in the earth?

38:34 Canst thou lift up thy voice to the clouds, that abundance of waters may cover thee?

38:35 Canst thou send lightnings, that they may go and say unto thee, Here we are?


-Alright, Christ! I get it! Stop ragging on my ass.


[Image: laughing-jesus.jpg]


God goes on like this for pages, sarcastically going "are YOU the one who gives prey to the beasts and gives flight to the eagles? hmmm?"

40:2 Shall he that contendeth with the Almighty instruct him? he that reproveth God, let him answer it.

40:3 Then Job answered the LORD, and said,

40:4 Behold, I am vile; what shall I answer thee? I will lay mine hand upon my mouth.


-So after God gives him shit all afternoon, Job promises to stop complaining... about his newly dead children... and lesion covered skin.



The Lord continues patting himself on the back and mentions that he created a Behemoth and a Leviathan. So now he made mythical creatures?


[Image: Behemoth_versus_Leviathan_by_HairyApeMan.jpg]



42:12 So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning: for he had fourteen thousand sheep, and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses.

42:13 He had also seven sons and three daughters.

42:14 And he called the name of the first, Jemima; and the name of the second, Kezia; and the name of the third, Kerenhappuch.

42:15 And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job


-God gives Job twice as much material possessions as he had before and gave him newer, hotter daughters. If all my children, who I loved, were killed off I'm SURE that strangers popping into existence to take their place would do just fine. After all, they were just replaceable objects.

[Image: godsmiting1.jpg]



Sooooo, the moral of the Book of Job is: If you are a sinner, God will smite you. If you worship God but falter slightly, God will smite you. And if you worship God unwaveringly and are perfect in the eyes of the Lord, God will smite you, then yell at you angrily.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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[+] 1 user Likes Buddy Christ's post
31-05-2011, 04:32 AM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
Another classic, keep it up!

Best and worst of Ferdinand .....
Best
Ferdinand: We don't really say 'theist' in Alabama. Here, you're either a Christian, or you're from Afghanistan and we fucking hate you.
Worst
Ferdinand: Everyone from British is so, like, fucking retarded.
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31-05-2011, 02:23 PM
RE: An atheist's critique of the Bible
This should be in book form when done. I'd live to print it out, great bible study.
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