Are you afraid of love?
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02-09-2014, 06:46 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(02-09-2014 05:41 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  
(02-09-2014 11:22 AM)Deidre32 Wrote:  Is anyone afraid of love and commitment? I broke up with my recent bf because he seemed interested in marriage. We weren't together all that long but I was falling in love. And it frightened me.

I date a lot...not afraid of that. But when things look to be progressing towards love...I sabotage the relationship somehow. Some way.

Wondering if you do feel this way or have in the past and how did you overcome it? Do we need love? Consider

Afraid of love and commitment? No. Afraid of entering into either of those where if I don't do, or change, something specific, about my behavior &/or my way of thinking, those things would be denied or taken away from me? Yes! This is what you get, girly girl! If you don't like it, get dressed, and leave; no hard feelings!
Love? Love doesn't have to be unconditional, but it can't be non negotiable, either!
Need love? No! We need sex, occasionally, and rarely, we need a soft lady to lie with us.... to talk to... to carress...
But, at some point, the ladies/gents won't want to lay down with you! There is a time limit! You get old! Too old to fuck, too old to give a shit about "the game". I'm prolly crazy, but it is at that time in your life, when "fuck" has nothing to do with it, that you're most likely to find it without any hickups!
If you can still do so? Play the game; you might get lucky! After you can't play anymore? Find it at your leisure!
No one is guaranteed to be ready to stop playing if they haven't already played the game 6,000 times already!
Is it wrong that this made me laugh...a little? Big Grin
Thank you.


It's interesting that everyone here has their own reasons for how they view love. I've read everyone's replies and I really appreciate your advice and words of wisdom.

Be true to yourself. Heart
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02-09-2014, 07:08 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(02-09-2014 06:16 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  
(02-09-2014 05:01 PM)LadyJane Wrote:  I basically lived the mother of all train wrecks that everyone fears. I had been betrayed in so many ways, disrespected, treated affluently and taken advantage of. I felt myself becoming scared and anxious and even a bit bitter after it all. I went to see someone and I have learnt a lot. I learnt a bunch of wonderful things about myself from over the years, I learnt how my 'blind' trust benefit me despite a broken relationship- I've learnt about the positive things the broken relationship gave me that I wouldn't have otherwise. I am thankful for my life experience, because I can choose to be.

There are so many unknown things that could happen to anyone- in our careers, our health, our relationships. If something feels good and I see no seemingly immoral aspect of what I am participating in then I am going to go for it. Not necessarily dive into it, but I would hate to pass something potential life-changing or extremely wonderful when I already know I can make it through the awful. There are so many (incl. healthy) benefits to a deep and close relationship that I think it's a life experience I can appreciate indulging in. There is too much real pain to worry about maybe actually getting the real pain. And if that happens, push past it and live again. There's always tomorrow until there is no tomorrow (That's a good thing). Smile

This. You have no idea how this has resonated. (And I cried reading it)
A bit about me...I was in two abusive relationships, back to back...one was physical. I'm over these men. It isn't that. But I thought I loved them and showed them that. So, when they treated me the way they did, it was shocking. These guys are educated, articulate ...great careers. And I consider myself a smart enough woman to know better. I have a good career, I'm confident in other ways, but I allowed not one, but two men to cheat, lie and abuse me. And yes, I learned a lot about myself but I'm not over what they did. Reading your words here, idk why but I realize, I'm not over what they did.

You never think you will allow someone to strike you. Or manipulate you. Part time, I help women who have been abused. It changed my life and I no longer judge anyone who is in an abusive relationship.

You're right in that it taught me a lot but I'm also afraid to love because of those two men. And the worst part is they are most likely off hurting other women. Sad

Your words here really helped me admit to myself that I'm not over what they did. But I guess it's not fair to anticipate that other men will hurt me in some way. (but I do)

Thank you. <3

Your experience with someone else's choices have nothing to do with how intelligent, smart, resourceful, beautiful or kind you are. I also work with people as a councillor for things like this. I am text book and field experienced- so I know the feeling of being duped and taken for all too well. It is completely shocking that a person can do so much for another person in every way and then be treated horribly on purpose. The fact that some (many) people are unkind does not mean that some (many) people are not extremely kind, thoughtful and appreciative.

I have an amazing father, an amazing brother and brother in laws (who are all so good to their wives and long-term partners). I have wonderful, good men in my life. Women too. (I also know some bat-shit crazy women). People are people and they reveal themselves through actions more than words. I think it's a beautiful thing to be open to something that could be so great. I am single right now (and the days the external stresses aren't getting to me I am pretty happy), but I see people in supportive and loving relationships that have me feeling thankful that it is not as rare as statistics make it seem. It's just as much or slightly more probable to be a part of that, too.
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02-09-2014, 07:19 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
Not afraid of love at all.

I am afraid of what might be lurking underneath the surface of someone who seems to be a good and decent person!!

I also survived 14 years of a horribly abusive marriage. During the worst years, the word abuse never-even-occurred to me. Huh

My diagnosis of PTSD was several years after the divorce. I couldn't understand why I was falling apart "after" I had escaped him. The doc told me that our brain protects us from trauma until we are ready to handle it. Problem with that is....when it finally hits, it hits hard. Triggers are a part of my life, but I've learned to manage them, most of the time.

I'm in a good place now. Happy. Not looking, but not against the idea of another relationship either. Just content! Yes

Interesting thread. I think it's very healthy to open up and share some of our inner turmoil, once in a while.

It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. ~Mark Twain
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02-09-2014, 07:48 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(02-09-2014 07:08 PM)LadyJane Wrote:  
(02-09-2014 06:16 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  This. You have no idea how this has resonated. (And I cried reading it)
A bit about me...I was in two abusive relationships, back to back...one was physical. I'm over these men. It isn't that. But I thought I loved them and showed them that. So, when they treated me the way they did, it was shocking. These guys are educated, articulate ...great careers. And I consider myself a smart enough woman to know better. I have a good career, I'm confident in other ways, but I allowed not one, but two men to cheat, lie and abuse me. And yes, I learned a lot about myself but I'm not over what they did. Reading your words here, idk why but I realize, I'm not over what they did.

You never think you will allow someone to strike you. Or manipulate you. Part time, I help women who have been abused. It changed my life and I no longer judge anyone who is in an abusive relationship.

You're right in that it taught me a lot but I'm also afraid to love because of those two men. And the worst part is they are most likely off hurting other women. Sad

Your words here really helped me admit to myself that I'm not over what they did. But I guess it's not fair to anticipate that other men will hurt me in some way. (but I do)

Thank you. <3

Your experience with someone else's choices have nothing to do with how intelligent, smart, resourceful, beautiful or kind you are. I also work with people as a councillor for things like this. I am text book and field experienced- so I know the feeling of being duped and taken for all too well. It is completely shocking that a person can do so much for another person in every way and then be treated horribly on purpose. The fact that some (many) people are unkind does not mean that some (many) people are not extremely kind, thoughtful and appreciative.

I have an amazing father, an amazing brother and brother in laws (who are all so good to their wives and long-term partners). I have wonderful, good men in my life. Women too. (I also know some bat-shit crazy women). People are people and they reveal themselves through actions more than words. I think it's a beautiful thing to be open to something that could be so great. I am single right now (and the days the external stresses aren't getting to me I am pretty happy), but I see people in supportive and loving relationships that have me feeling thankful that it is not as rare as statistics make it seem. It's just as much or slightly more probable to be a part of that, too.
I usually don't discuss these two guys much but for whatever reason I chose to tonight, I'm grateful because you really just don't know how helpful you have been. And you're right. I have to keep reading your words like a daily affirmation/reflection or something. Big Grin
((Thank you so much))
(02-09-2014 07:19 PM)CindysRain Wrote:  Not afraid of love at all.

I am afraid of what might be lurking underneath the surface of someone who seems to be a good and decent person!!

I also survived 14 years of a horribly abusive marriage. During the worst years, the word abuse never-even-occurred to me. Huh

My diagnosis of PTSD was several years after the divorce. I couldn't understand why I was falling apart "after" I had escaped him. The doc told me that our brain protects us from trauma until we are ready to handle it. Problem with that is....when it finally hits, it hits hard. Triggers are a part of my life, but I've learned to manage them, most of the time.

I'm in a good place now. Happy. Not looking, but not against the idea of another relationship either. Just content! Yes

Interesting thread. I think it's very healthy to open up and share some of our inner turmoil, once in a while.

14 years. OMG. My relationships with those two assholes were short in duration, but the damage they did has lasted for a long time.

I cannot imagine 14 years. I used to judge women who stayed you know? But when it happens to you, and you find yourself in this nightmare that you can't wake up from, you regret ever judging. I grew up in an abusive home. Seeing a pattern here? Lol And after those two relationships were over, I realized that my idea of love is skewed. Those two guys felt familiar to me. The recent ex bf that I broke up with a few weeks ago, he is a dream but I'm not used to dreams. I'm used to jerks, as that's what I grew up with.

You know, I have guy friends and they say...why do women choose bad guys over nice guys? It's not fair, etc... (not all women do this however)

And I often say that it's because that is all they think they deserve. Sad

Anyway, you are strong and your story is inspiring. 14 years. I just want to hug you. Thank youuu!

I'm happy that you're free!

Be true to yourself. Heart
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02-09-2014, 08:01 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(02-09-2014 04:54 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I am not afraid of love - I just gave it up years ago.

After growing up with parents that couldn't or wouldn't show any love it wasn't something I really expected in my life.

My first real love happened when I was 19 - and I did love him. We weren't together long but that was his choice. I thought about him for years afterward.

I loved my first husband, maybe not with quite the same intensity but we were young and I was cautious and he had addiction problems. He died three years after we started dated (and were married by then). At that point, I pretty much gave up on having real love in my life. I am not sad about it any more - it's just how it is and I am okay with that.

I must admit that I am puzzled and a bit skeptical when around those happy, can't stay away from each other couples. It just isn't part of my reality and hasn't been for a long, long time.

You are a very caring and nurturing person from what I can tell, having "known" you this short time in here. I never would have guessed this. It's amazing how our childhoods affect our adulthoods. But I suppose only in as much as we let it, yes?

Thank you for sharing this. I'm not happy others have suffered but it is interesting how much common ground some of us share. I'm amazed.

Maybe you shouldn't give up on it just yet. You never know. We never know. ((Hug))

Be true to yourself. Heart
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02-09-2014, 08:28 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
Saw this on my Facebook feed and thought it would fit well on this thread.

[Image: imagejpg1_zpscfc1fc1b.jpg]


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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02-09-2014, 10:08 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
Am I afraid of love? No. I'm simply afraid of what love will ultimately cause. When you love someone, you accidentally give them the ability to hurt you more than anyone else ever could. I've likened it to placing a loaded gun in their hand, pointing it at your own heart and hoping they don't pull the trigger.

I, too, have broken up with people for this reason. Even severed a few friendships because of it. (Some truly hate me as a result, but I did them a favor in the long-run)

In the end, I'll probably have a huge revelation wherein I realize how I missed so much and hurt so many and all of it was for nothing - how I could have had everything I ever wanted without any of the bullshit that I was so afraid of. On that day, who knows what I'll do. But for the time being, it seems the best course of action to take. Miso doesn't belong attached to another. Drinking Beverage

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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02-09-2014, 11:03 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
"commitment" ... googling that now.


Ah!, right.

Yup, 14 years here, too. Not doing that again.

As LJ says, one learns a lot about oneself. For me, it's about boundaries and getting better at categorising / setting expectations in relationships.

My ex wanted a 'strategic' relationship (common vision, shared goals (explained well in Bows'n'Arrows' post) but for me it was only ever 'tactical' (I wanted friendship and to help her to recover from previous abusive relationships (2 previous failed marriages)).

Unfortunately, in that way that giving more than is expected is usually perceived as 'as expected' over time, I became just an 'operational' relationship to her. This is partly to do with not having a common vision in the first place.

The fourth category of relationship - 'commodity' is great... lots of multi-sourcing going on over here now.

That 'strategic' relationship might be just around the corner, for you. But you won't see it until you are clear as to what your strategic vision is (and, importantly, is not).

Heart

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03-09-2014, 06:18 AM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(02-09-2014 08:28 PM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Saw this on my Facebook feed and thought it would fit well on this thread.

[Image: imagejpg1_zpscfc1fc1b.jpg]

Sad, but true. :/
(02-09-2014 10:08 PM)Misanthropik Wrote:  Am I afraid of love? No. I'm simply afraid of what love will ultimately cause. When you love someone, you accidentally give them the ability to hurt you more than anyone else ever could. I've likened it to placing a loaded gun in their hand, pointing it at your own heart and hoping they don't pull the trigger.

I, too, have broken up with people for this reason. Even severed a few friendships because of it. (Some truly hate me as a result, but I did them a favor in the long-run)

In the end, I'll probably have a huge revelation wherein I realize how I missed so much and hurt so many and all of it was for nothing - how I could have had everything I ever wanted without any of the bullshit that I was so afraid of. On that day, who knows what I'll do. But for the time being, it seems the best course of action to take. Miso doesn't belong attached to another. Drinking Beverage

"All of it was for nothing." I wonder this too. Sad

U are a male version of me...lol Blush


(02-09-2014 11:03 PM)DLJ Wrote:  "commitment" ... googling that now.


Ah!, right.

Yup, 14 years here, too. Not doing that again.

As LJ says, one learns a lot about oneself. For me, it's about boundaries and getting better at categorising / setting expectations in relationships.

My ex wanted a 'strategic' relationship (common vision, shared goals (explained well in Bows'n'Arrows' post) but for me it was only ever 'tactical' (I wanted friendship and to help her to recover from previous abusive relationships (2 previous failed marriages)).

Unfortunately, in that way that giving more than is expected is usually perceived as 'as expected' over time, I became just an 'operational' relationship to her. This is partly to do with not having a common vision in the first place.

The fourth category of relationship - 'commodity' is great... lots of multi-sourcing going on over here now.

That 'strategic' relationship might be just around the corner, for you. But you won't see it until you are clear as to what your strategic vision is (and, importantly, is not).

Heart

Thank you...very interesting. I've never viewed relationships as "strategic." Hmmm
What is multi sourcing? I hesitate to guess. Haha

Be true to yourself. Heart
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03-09-2014, 06:26 AM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(03-09-2014 06:18 AM)Deidre32 Wrote:  ...
What is multi sourcing? I hesitate to guess. Haha

Promiscuity (in series or parallel) Drinking Beverage

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