Are you afraid of love?
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03-09-2014, 06:26 AM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
I think the hardest part about love is keeping it for a lifetime. That takes commitment. Love moves in and out of many committed relationships. I'm speaking about normal relationships not something twisted.

Getting through the first two years with a partner is the easy part.

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story." Orson Welles
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03-09-2014, 06:42 AM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(03-09-2014 06:26 AM)DLJ Wrote:  
(03-09-2014 06:18 AM)Deidre32 Wrote:  ...
What is multi sourcing? I hesitate to guess. Haha

Promiscuity (in series or parallel) Drinking Beverage

Ah! I see. Lol
I lean in agreement. For some reason, sex without strings or love (to me) is the best. I don't view sex as an emotional connection like some do.
*shrug*
(03-09-2014 06:26 AM)Dee Wrote:  I think the hardest part about love is keeping it for a lifetime. That takes commitment. Love moves in and out of many committed relationships. I'm speaking about normal relationships not something twisted.

Getting through the first two years with a partner is the easy part.

I suppose there are pros and cons to both sides of it. Having superficial flings over and over vs a solid relationship with one special person can have its drawbacks.

Staying with one person for a lifetime? I can't see it. Frankly, I don't think it's pragmatic. Maybe marriage with a lease option lol Like after a few years, you have the option to renew the "license."

Then, at least you can opt out if things suck and you avoid a divorce.

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03-09-2014, 08:40 AM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
I grew up in an abusive household (I personally received less abuse than most of the rest of my family). Dad was the abuser, mom was the enabler. Mom was also abused, in ways that I didn't know until relatively recently, and likely in ways I still don't know. They divorced after 35+ years of marriage

I always encourage people to leave abusive relationships and marriages...and not to make excuses (living situation, kids, etc). Your health, safety, happiness, and sanity are worth leaving an abusive relationship.

My Aunt and Uncle recently were talking about their daughter (my cousin who is my age who got married when she was 16). She says her (now ex) husband was abusive. Her brother is currently angry at her because he thinks she is lying. He thinks there is no way somebody as smart as her could let herself be abused. I remember when I heard that I said something like, "He obviously doesn't know anything about abuse." It doesn't matter how smart you are, you get trapped. Afraid to leave familiarity, afraid to lose what you think is love. You might think you deserve it. You might think that it's "no big deal". If it becomes normal, that's bad. When you are afraid to say certain things because you might get hit...you are in a terrible place.

Abuse does long term damage, and I feel for anybody who had to endure it in any form.

As for me, even given the terrible example my parents gave me, instead of being afraid of relationships...I dreamed about having amazing ones full of acceptance and kindness. I loved old 90s sitcoms (e.g. Full house, Family Matters, Fresh Prince) because they showed me a life I wish I could relate to.

Regarding marriage. I'm not convinced that it's even "natural". As in, if we were "wild" humans, I doubt we would mate for life, or even practice fidelity. I think the concept is useful in human societies because it helps us organize and also take responsibility for our family unit. I think the reason it fails so often include 1. People do not work at them. 2. People start to take their partner for granted. 3. People get married WAYYYY too soon, without even really knowing the other person. 4. People choose not to live with their partner before marriage (having a lover and a roommate are very different, you need to accept both). 5. People expect that being with one person magically makes them not attracted to other humans (bullcrap IMO). 6. Religion

And damn, now I'm late for work..

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03-09-2014, 10:06 AM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(03-09-2014 08:40 AM)Adrianime Wrote:  I grew up in an abusive household (I personally received less abuse than most of the rest of my family). Dad was the abuser, mom was the enabler. Mom was also abused, in ways that I didn't know until relatively recently, and likely in ways I still don't know. They divorced after 35+ years of marriage

I always encourage people to leave abusive relationships and marriages...and not to make excuses (living situation, kids, etc). Your health, safety, happiness, and sanity are worth leaving an abusive relationship.

My Aunt and Uncle recently were talking about their daughter (my cousin who is my age who got married when she was 16). She says her (now ex) husband was abusive. Her brother is currently angry at her because he thinks she is lying. He thinks there is no way somebody as smart as her could let herself be abused. I remember when I heard that I said something like, "He obviously doesn't know anything about abuse." It doesn't matter how smart you are, you get trapped. Afraid to leave familiarity, afraid to lose what you think is love. You might think you deserve it. You might think that it's "no big deal". If it becomes normal, that's bad. When you are afraid to say certain things because you might get hit...you are in a terrible place.

Abuse does long term damage, and I feel for anybody who had to endure it in any form.

As for me, even given the terrible example my parents gave me, instead of being afraid of relationships...I dreamed about having amazing ones full of acceptance and kindness. I loved old 90s sitcoms (e.g. Full house, Family Matters, Fresh Prince) because they showed me a life I wish I could relate to.

Regarding marriage. I'm not convinced that it's even "natural". As in, if we were "wild" humans, I doubt we would mate for life, or even practice fidelity. I think the concept is useful in human societies because it helps us organize and also take responsibility for our family unit. I think the reason it fails so often include 1. People do not work at them. 2. People start to take their partner for granted. 3. People get married WAYYYY too soon, without even really knowing the other person. 4. People choose not to live with their partner before marriage (having a lover and a roommate are very different, you need to accept both). 5. People expect that being with one person magically makes them not attracted to other humans (bullcrap IMO). 6. Religion

And damn, now I'm late for work..

Thank you for this! So true. I've often wondered why people abuse others, for many have been abused themselves. Why would they want to continue the cycle, you know?

I have more to say...but I'm at work. Sorry you were late for work but chatting here is more important! Laugh out load

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03-09-2014, 10:45 AM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(03-09-2014 08:40 AM)Adrianime Wrote:  I grew up in an abusive household (I personally received less abuse than most of the rest of my family). Dad was the abuser, mom was the enabler. Mom was also abused, in ways that I didn't kno?w until relatively recently, and likely in ways I still don't know. They divorced after 35+ years of marriage

I always encourage people to leave abusive relationships and marriages...and not to make excuses (living situation, kids, etc). Your health, safety, happiness, and sanity are worth leaving an abusive relationship.

My Aunt and Uncle recently were talking about their daughter (my cousin who is my age who got married when she was 16). She says her (now ex) husband was abusive. Her brother is currently angry at her because he thinks she is lying. He thinks there is no way somebody as smart as her could let herself be abused. I remember when I heard that I said something like, "He obviously doesn't know anything about abuse." It doesn't matter how smart you are, you get trapped. Afraid to leave familiarity, afraid to lose what you think is love. You might think you deserve it. You might think that it's "no big deal". If it becomes normal, that's bad. When you are afraid to say certain things because you might get hit...you are in a terrible place.

Abuse does long term damage, and I feel for anybody who had to endure it in any form.

As for me, even given the terrible example my parents gave me, instead of being afraid of relationships...I dreamed about having amazing ones full of acceptance and kindness. I loved old 90s sitcoms (e.g. Full house, Family Matters, Fresh Prince) because they showed me a life I wish I could relate to.

Regarding marriage. I'm not convinced that it's even "natural". As in, if we were "wild" humans, I doubt we would mate for life, or even practice fidelity. I think the concept is useful in human societies because it helps us organize and also take responsibility for our family unit. I think the reason it fails so often include 1. People do not work at them. 2. People start to take their partner for granted. 3. People get married WAYYYY too soon, without even really knowing the other person. 4. People choose not to live with their partner before marriage (having a lover and a roommate are very different, you need to accept both). 5. People expect that being with one person magically makes them not attracted to other humans (bullcrap IMO). 6. Religion

And damn, now I'm late for work..


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03-09-2014, 11:19 AM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(03-09-2014 06:26 AM)Dee Wrote:  I think the hardest part about love is keeping it for a lifetime. That takes commitment. Love moves in and out of many committed relationships. I'm speaking about normal relationships not something twisted.

Getting through the first two years with a partner is the easy part.

I always wonder why love is always such a huge effort. Particularly when it increases in its level of commitment. Why does it take such commitment and focus to simply be fond of someone?

People can be friends for YEARS and have just as much chemistry and commitment and affection for one another 50 years down the road as they did the day they met on the playground. I've got friends I've known since before I was forming memories. We literally can't remember how or when we met, but we've always been the best of friends and we'd do anything for each other.

But then, when the love steps up a little in its potency (or, perhaps, changes type?) and two people decide to be partners, suddenly it's a huge balancing act. Suddenly the same commitment and affection they'd felt with ease for years as friends becomes a homework assignment, and rather than a failing/passing grade, its their very livelihood that hangs in the balance. I really don't understand this. I've had numerous friendships, I've had numerous partners, and I've had partners with whom I once shared a friendship. Somehow, when the relationship between two people becomes "serious," then the clock starts ticking on when they start resenting one another.

Maybe it has to do with how our society views partnership. Maybe the very same love between two people is viewed in a different context - even by those who are in love - when they enter a "serious" relationship. Or maybe it has to do with being around the person more constantly. (Familiarity breeds contempt and all that) Either way, the friendship somehow becomes a chore, and the two people start hurting and hating one another as the relationship grows stagnant.


I've always felt that I wanted a partner who's just my best friend. But that doesn't seem to be possible. These days, people say one thing to their partner and then a completely different thing - the raw truth - to their real best friend(s). That's why guys/gals go to bars with only their friends and leave their partners at home. So they can talk openly and freely with those they truly feel comfortable with before heading back to the dungeon with the old "ball and chain." (The fact that that's a phrase in common use speaks volumes)

Anyway, I've opted out of all of it. Too complicated, too headache-inducing, too confusing and frustrating. Give me a beer, a good book and a BJ on occasion and I'm set. Thumbsup

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03-09-2014, 11:26 AM (This post was last modified: 03-09-2014 11:34 AM by Wicked Clown.)
RE: Are you afraid of love?
Sometimes love can be very scary which is one reason I can be very sarcastic and start cracking jokes in those situations as a defensive mechanism to try and break the ice and lighten things up a bit.

As long as love doesn't reach a point of commitment it should not be scary. Like, what if someone told you they loved you and you both enjoyed hanging out and laughed and had a good time and had fun in bed but there were no demands on either side and a mutual agreement to not get married for more than 24 hours and not live together and even give each other permission to have other partners or time apart for however long at any time.

Would it still be scary. What if the other person never asked for your heart or your trust or marriage and agreed never to do so?
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03-09-2014, 11:28 AM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(03-09-2014 06:42 AM)Deidre32 Wrote:  Ah! I see. Lol
I lean in agreement. For some reason, sex without strings or love (to me) is the best. I don't view sex as an emotional connection like some do.
*shrug*

^^
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03-09-2014, 11:38 AM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(03-09-2014 11:26 AM)Wicked Clown Wrote:  Sometimes love can be very scary which is one reason I can be very sarcastic and start cracking jokes in those situations as a defensive mechanism to try and break the ice and lighten things up a bit.

As long as love doesn't reach a point of commitment it should not be scary. Like, what if someone told you they loved you and you both enjoyed hanging out and laughed and had a good time and had fun in bed but there were no demands on either side and a mutual agreement to not get married for more than 24 hours and not live together and even give each other permission to have other partners or time apart for however long at any time.

Would it still be scary. What if the other person never asked for your heart or your trust or marriage and agreed never to do so?

(03-09-2014 11:28 AM)Wicked Clown Wrote:  
(03-09-2014 06:42 AM)Deidre32 Wrote:  Ah! I see. Lol
I lean in agreement. For some reason, sex without strings or love (to me) is the best. I don't view sex as an emotional connection like some do.
*shrug*

^^
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03-09-2014, 01:05 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(03-09-2014 11:19 AM)Misanthropik Wrote:  
(03-09-2014 06:26 AM)Dee Wrote:  I think the hardest part about love is keeping it for a lifetime. That takes commitment. Love moves in and out of many committed relationships. I'm speaking about normal relationships not something twisted.

Getting through the first two years with a partner is the easy part.

I always wonder why love is always such a huge effort. Particularly when it increases in its level of commitment. Why does it take such commitment and focus to simply be fond of someone?

People can be friends for YEARS and have just as much chemistry and commitment and affection for one another 50 years down the road as they did the day they met on the playground. I've got friends I've known since before I was forming memories. We literally can't remember how or when we met, but we've always been the best of friends and we'd do anything for each other.

But then, when the love steps up a little in its potency (or, perhaps, changes type?) and two people decide to be partners, suddenly it's a huge balancing act. Suddenly the same commitment and affection they'd felt with ease for years as friends becomes a homework assignment, and rather than a failing/passing grade, its their very livelihood that hangs in the balance. I really don't understand this. I've had numerous friendships, I've had numerous partners, and I've had partners with whom I once shared a friendship. Somehow, when the relationship between two people becomes "serious," then the clock starts ticking on when they start resenting one another.

Maybe it has to do with how our society views partnership. Maybe the very same love between two people is viewed in a different context - even by those who are in love - when they enter a "serious" relationship. Or maybe it has to do with being around the person more constantly. (Familiarity breeds contempt and all that) Either way, the friendship somehow becomes a chore, and the two people start hurting and hating one another as the relationship grows stagnant.


I've always felt that I wanted a partner who's just my best friend. But that doesn't seem to be possible. These days, people say one thing to their partner and then a completely different thing - the raw truth - to their real best friend(s). That's why guys/gals go to bars with only their friends and leave their partners at home. So they can talk openly and freely with those they truly feel comfortable with before heading back to the dungeon with the old "ball and chain." (The fact that that's a phrase in common use speaks volumes)

Anyway, I've opted out of all of it. Too complicated, too headache-inducing, too confusing and frustrating. Give me a beer, a good book and a BJ on occasion and I'm set. Thumbsup

I've had it explained to me that it's like having to maintain your car see....
Hmmmm...I tend to fade out then...

A marriage is being likened to maintenance on a car? I get it but still...

Can I just say...I love your ideology! Big Grin

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