Are you afraid of love?
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05-09-2014, 05:25 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(05-09-2014 05:16 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  
(04-09-2014 07:49 PM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Effortless- sometimes it seems that way for my husband and I, and some days it seems like he is stomping on my last nerve. But I feel that way about every.single.person in my life.

I think it's just finding a person who can roll thru life with you. A person who always has your back, a person worthy of your trust, a person you feel safe being vulnerable to, and you being that person for them. But I think you grow into those things over time. Attractiveness and passion and desire for them physically is part of it, but you grow into a partner. And you have to want to be part of a team, and be ok with busting your ass for the success of someone else while you get nothing. Its giving 100% to a relationship, not 50/50. It's not easy, and it's not for everyone.

It took 5 years of shacking up to decide if we were the right ones for each other, and then a few more to get this far. But I know we are a team and we always have each other's backs.


''It's giving 100%, not 50/50''

Wow, I don't believe I've ever looked at relationships in that way, and frankly, if we always *tried* to put our best feet forward whether it's a job, friendship, romantic relationship...we probably wouldn't succeed more. Succeed being a relative term. lol

I'll have to remember that, thank you for this!

@ Hobbitgirl, I should clarify...haha He wasn't proposing, etc...he was merely telling me that he had changed his stance on wanting to marry, as opposed to being against it, as I thought he was when we first got together.

He was also interested in pursing the idea with me, but it was weird. It was the deal breaker for us, and everything was going really great, so it was surprising that we even had a dealbreaker. Sad

Thank you for the advice and for sharing what's worked for you, as well.

Lol. Okay my bad. I'm glad I was wrong. Cause wow! Tongue
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05-09-2014, 05:29 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(05-09-2014 05:25 PM)Hobbitgirl Wrote:  
(05-09-2014 05:16 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  ''It's giving 100%, not 50/50''

Wow, I don't believe I've ever looked at relationships in that way, and frankly, if we always *tried* to put our best feet forward whether it's a job, friendship, romantic relationship...we probably wouldn't succeed more. Succeed being a relative term. lol

I'll have to remember that, thank you for this!

@ Hobbitgirl, I should clarify...haha He wasn't proposing, etc...he was merely telling me that he had changed his stance on wanting to marry, as opposed to being against it, as I thought he was when we first got together.

He was also interested in pursing the idea with me, but it was weird. It was the deal breaker for us, and everything was going really great, so it was surprising that we even had a dealbreaker. Sad

Thank you for the advice and for sharing what's worked for you, as well.

Lol. Okay my bad. I'm glad I was wrong. Cause wow! Tongue

haha yes, I read your message, and thought...wait a minute, lemme explain...Laugh out load
thank you again for your advice.

you give good advice, by the way...in general.
(not following you lol) Laugh out load

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05-09-2014, 07:30 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(04-09-2014 05:38 PM)Anjele Wrote:  As for abusive relationships, I have a theory based on my experience at least. Growing up in an abusive household (both parents) it was my 'normal'. That may not make sense to some but when it's all you know it seems to be the way things are supposed to be.

For one thing the abuse is hidden from the outside world. It is NOT discussed outside the home. When there were other people around (read eyewitnesses) we were a normal family. In fact, appearing normal was of the highest importance to my parents. Because of that I thought that everybody went through the same kinds of things but just acted right when I was around.

I also remember thinking that all the families on TV were so fake. I really couldn't imagine what a happy family would be like in real life.

I didn't fare too well with relationships over the years but always tried to protect and shield my kids from what I grew up with. I know I wasn't totally successful but I think I did at least improve on what I dealt with.

Unfortunately - the abuse toward me, from my mother in particular, didn't end till I stopped having contact with her a few years ago. Yeah, decades of abuse made me really, really cautious. Overly so.

I appreciate you sharing this, and it's largely how I feel too, why I guess I'm guarded in some respects with guys. When you grow up believing that love hurts, then you sort of come to believe that love should look and feel like that.

I'm sorry your mom abused you, anjele. It's mind boggling why a parent would do that to his/her own child. ((hugs))

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05-09-2014, 08:45 PM (This post was last modified: 05-09-2014 08:54 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(02-09-2014 11:22 AM)Deidre32 Wrote:  Is anyone afraid of love and commitment? I broke up with my recent bf because he seemed interested in marriage. We weren't together all that long but I was falling in love. And it frightened me.

I date a lot...not afraid of that. But when things look to be progressing towards love...I sabotage the relationship somehow. Some way.

Wondering if you do feel this way or have in the past and how did you overcome it? Do we need love? Consider

I've been married to my High School sweetheart going on 30 years now. You should be more afraid of never experiencing love and commitment.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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05-09-2014, 08:46 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
I haven't replied to this thread because I am so... conflicted. My world has been completely turned upside down. I quit my job in May after completely burning out. I finally had time to "think".... and drink, a lot. The last bit of my grasp on my religion fell through my fingers. My husband is a Christian.

We met my first night out in college. I had spent the entire week doing sorority rush with 1000 women and small talk (gag) and needed to be around men. So, off to fraternity row I went. I met him that night. I kinda sort barely remember it. We saw each other again a few nights later at another party, and he got my number. We went on a lousy first date. At the end of the night I went in for a goodnight hug (nice enough guy, we could be friends) and he thought I was going in for a kiss. So he kissed me on the chin.... Whoops! Turns out he was actually a great kisser and had the balls to kiss me immediately after the rather embarrassing miss. For the first football game he needed a date, and I thought it'd be fun to sit in the fraternity section, so I agreed. Apparently I'd lost my Tiger Card and couldn't get in. He stayed out of the first game of the year with me, we drank at the house, and had the best time ever. We've hit it off ever since. I pretty much lived with him in college and just told my parents I was staying at my apartment to keep up appearances (fundamentalists). I actually quit college shortly before he graduated, and we got married to keep up appearances for our families. Premarital sex? Oh my!

My husband has been instrumental in helping me heal from the psychological abuse I endured as a child (first time my (step)dad told me he loved me was when I was 13.. My last whipping was at 14 when I refused to tell mom happy Mother's Day because she had been so horrid that morning - my brother had just been kicked out of the house so they were also pissed at him for not calling), drug use, and two separate rapes. I have a lot of trouble understanding my emotions and am very guarded. With him, it's like I can feel. I don't know how to say that differently. He is quite literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wasn't looking for a relationship, and I was actually agnostic when we met. I tried out Pascals Wager (mostly for him) and, well, I'm here as an atheist, so you see how that worked (check out my dead to me post if you want to understand my deconversion better). And there is my problem. I am so completely in love with this man. We have a beautiful, loving, intelligent child. I told him I'm an atheist at the beginning of June. We have had a mutual agreement of not discussing the topic of my deconversion to prevent fights. In the past several years we have only gone to church for Easter and Christmas. In the past two months he's decided to start taking our son to church, gets mad when I correct his inane Christian ramblings to our son with factual information backed up by science, and then on Monday he dropped the bomb. "I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know how this is going to work." I don't see my family that much anymore, either, so that doesn't help. I commute out of state for work now and sleep at home 1-3 nights a week.

If you would have asked me 6 months ago if I'm afraid of love, I would have said hell no and that it's worth it. Right now, I'm afraid I'm about to lose everything. I haven't felt this vulnerable in years - it fucking sucks. I think even if he leaves me I'd still say it's worth it. I've certainly become a better person with him by my side. That being said, if we get divorced, next guy I marry is for money.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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05-09-2014, 08:52 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(05-09-2014 08:46 PM)Nurse Wrote:  I haven't replied to this thread because I am so... conflicted. My world has been completely turned upside down. I quit my job in May after completely burning out. I finally had time to "think".... and drink, a lot. The last bit of my grasp on my religion fell through my fingers. My husband is a Christian.

We met my first night out in college. I had spent the entire week doing sorority rush with 1000 women and small talk (gag) and needed to be around men. So, off to fraternity row I went. I met him that night. I kinda sort barely remember it. We saw each other again a few nights later at another party, and he got my number. We went on a lousy first date. At the end of the night I went in for a goodnight hug (nice enough guy, we could be friends) and he thought I was going in for a kiss. So he kissed me on the chin.... Whoops! Turns out he was actually a great kisser and had the balls to kiss me immediately after the rather embarrassing miss. For the first football game he needed a date, and I thought it'd be fun to sit in the fraternity section, so I agreed. Apparently I'd lost my Tiger Card and couldn't get in. He stayed out of the first game of the year with me, we drank at the house, and had the best time ever. We've hit it off ever since. I pretty much lived with him in college and just told my parents I was staying at my apartment to keep up appearances (fundamentalists). I actually quit college shortly before he graduated, and we got married to keep up appearances for our families. Premarital sex? Oh my!

My husband has been instrumental in helping me heal from the psychological abuse I endured as a child (first time my (step)dad told me he loved me was when I was 13.. My last whipping was at 14 when I refused to tell mom happy Mother's Day because she had been so horrid that morning - my brother had just been kicked out of the house so they were also pissed at him for not calling), drug use, and two separate rapes. I have a lot of trouble understanding my emotions and am very guarded. With him, it's like I can feel. I don't know how to say that differently. He is quite literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wasn't looking for a relationship, and I was actually agnostic when we met. I tried out Pascals Wager (mostly for him) and, well, I'm here as an atheist, so you see how that worked (check out my dead to me post if you want to understand my deconversion better). And there is my problem. I am so completely in love with this man. We have a beautiful, loving, intelligent child. I told him I'm an atheist at the beginning of June. We have had a mutual agreement of not discussing the topic of my deconversion to prevent fights. In the past several years we have only gone to church for Easter and Christmas. In the past two months he's decided to start taking our son to church, gets mad when I correct his inane Christian ramblings to our son with factual information backed up by science, and then on Monday he dropped the bomb. "I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know how this is going to work." I don't see my family that much anymore, either, so that doesn't help. I commute out of state for work now and sleep at home 1-3 nights a week.

If you would have asked me 6 months ago if I'm afraid of love, I would have said hell no and that it's worth it. Right now, I'm afraid I'm about to lose everything. I haven't felt this vulnerable in years - it fucking sucks. I think even if he leaves me I'd still say it's worth it. I've certainly become a better person with him by my side. That being said, if we get divorced, next guy I marry is for money.

Come here you,
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There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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05-09-2014, 09:11 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(05-09-2014 08:45 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(02-09-2014 11:22 AM)Deidre32 Wrote:  Is anyone afraid of love and commitment? I broke up with my recent bf because he seemed interested in marriage. We weren't together all that long but I was falling in love. And it frightened me.

I date a lot...not afraid of that. But when things look to be progressing towards love...I sabotage the relationship somehow. Some way.

Wondering if you do feel this way or have in the past and how did you overcome it? Do we need love? Consider

I've been married to my High School sweetheart going on 30 years now. You should be more afraid of never experiencing love and commitment.

Wow what? 30 years? That's really something. Congrats!
How did you make it work all these years?

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05-09-2014, 09:20 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(05-09-2014 09:11 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  Wow what? 30 years? That's really something. Congrats!
How did you make it work all these years?

By not trying to make it work. It just happened.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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05-09-2014, 09:25 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(05-09-2014 08:46 PM)Nurse Wrote:  I haven't replied to this thread because I am so... conflicted. My world has been completely turned upside down. I quit my job in May after completely burning out. I finally had time to "think".... and drink, a lot. The last bit of my grasp on my religion fell through my fingers. My husband is a Christian.

We met my first night out in college. I had spent the entire week doing sorority rush with 1000 women and small talk (gag) and needed to be around men. So, off to fraternity row I went. I met him that night. I kinda sort barely remember it. We saw each other again a few nights later at another party, and he got my number. We went on a lousy first date. At the end of the night I went in for a goodnight hug (nice enough guy, we could be friends) and he thought I was going in for a kiss. So he kissed me on the chin.... Whoops! Turns out he was actually a great kisser and had the balls to kiss me immediately after the rather embarrassing miss. For the first football game he needed a date, and I thought it'd be fun to sit in the fraternity section, so I agreed. Apparently I'd lost my Tiger Card and couldn't get in. He stayed out of the first game of the year with me, we drank at the house, and had the best time ever. We've hit it off ever since. I pretty much lived with him in college and just told my parents I was staying at my apartment to keep up appearances (fundamentalists). I actually quit college shortly before he graduated, and we got married to keep up appearances for our families. Premarital sex? Oh my!

My husband has been instrumental in helping me heal from the psychological abuse I endured as a child (first time my (step)dad told me he loved me was when I was 13.. My last whipping was at 14 when I refused to tell mom happy Mother's Day because she had been so horrid that morning - my brother had just been kicked out of the house so they were also pissed at him for not calling), drug use, and two separate rapes. I have a lot of trouble understanding my emotions and am very guarded. With him, it's like I can feel. I don't know how to say that differently. He is quite literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wasn't looking for a relationship, and I was actually agnostic when we met. I tried out Pascals Wager (mostly for him) and, well, I'm here as an atheist, so you see how that worked (check out my dead to me post if you want to understand my deconversion better). And there is my problem. I am so completely in love with this man. We have a beautiful, loving, intelligent child. I told him I'm an atheist at the beginning of June. We have had a mutual agreement of not discussing the topic of my deconversion to prevent fights. In the past several years we have only gone to church for Easter and Christmas. In the past two months he's decided to start taking our son to church, gets mad when I correct his inane Christian ramblings to our son with factual information backed up by science, and then on Monday he dropped the bomb. "I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know how this is going to work." I don't see my family that much anymore, either, so that doesn't help. I commute out of state for work now and sleep at home 1-3 nights a week.

If you would have asked me 6 months ago if I'm afraid of love, I would have said hell no and that it's worth it. Right now, I'm afraid I'm about to lose everything. I haven't felt this vulnerable in years - it fucking sucks. I think even if he leaves me I'd still say it's worth it. I've certainly become a better person with him by my side. That being said, if we get divorced, next guy I marry is for money.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear of this. Sad I will say this, that no matter what happens, you didn't hide who you are. I've heard stories whereby a wife or husband deconverts and they keep it from the other. And while I understand why, I can't help but wonder if you have to hide who you or what you believe from your partner, what is the point of staying together? You know? So, while it sucks on one level yes, you are being true to yourself. That's priceless.

Thank u for sharing this and I'm going to keep your family in my thoughts. I'm hopeful that whatever is meant to be, that you find a peace about it.

{{hugs}}

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05-09-2014, 09:34 PM
RE: Are you afraid of love?
(05-09-2014 09:20 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(05-09-2014 09:11 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  Wow what? 30 years? That's really something. Congrats!
How did you make it work all these years?

By not trying to make it work. It just happened.

Ah ha! Effortless. So there are couples that it just flows.
Well, I'd say you and your spouse are lucky.
Heart

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