As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
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29-06-2017, 02:24 PM
RE: As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
(29-06-2017 02:09 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  I just got back from the beach and saw this thread. I think you know my story, Emma, but some of the newer people here may not.

My son came to me when he...(she) ...was 18 and told me she was transgender. Prior to that, in the latter part of her senior year of high school, she told me she wanted to see a psychologist and a really good psychologist. I was an idiot because at the time I figured she was just super stressed about her future after high school and I sort of dismissed it.

Then I would hear her pacing the floor at night in her bedroom. This went on for several months. She'd sleep all day and stay up at night and barely passed her classes She ask me several times if I had heard voices and wondered if someone was outside of her window trying to get inside. THIS concerned me and that's when I started seriously looking for a psychologist. It was around this time that she told me she was transgender.

She finally got in to see a psychologist and was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. My husband and I were completely devistated. The transgender situation was overshadowed by the schizophrenia. She still insisted she was transgender but my husband and I kept wondering if the two weren't related.

To make a long story short we looked for another more qualified psychologist who had experience with both transgender people and schizophrenic patients. It turned out she was not schizophrenic but suffering from psychotic depression which can mask itself as schizophrenia. It's not unusual for transgender people to suffer from psychotic depression, especially before they come out to their families and transition. The fear of rejection by family members and society is so intense that it can drive transgender people into terrible depressions and suicide. After she transitioned she stopped taking anti-psychotic medications and had no recurring psychosis. Within a month of taking the female hormones she became a smiling, happy person. It was amazing. The darkness was gone from her face.

As a parent, I'm not going to lie, it was difficult. I spent days crying. I was losing my son. Yeah, I know she was probably never my son to begin with but in my mind she was. I went online to find other parents of transgender children and the most common feeling shared by all parents was a sense of mourning the loss of a son or daughter. The advice I got was to let yourself go through the mourning process. I had every intention of accepting her as female and read everything I could on the subject. I never once considered rejection as an option but my husband and I needed to mourn. And we did. It brought my husband and I closer together.

Once in a while I'll happen on an old photo of my daugher when she was a kid and wonder why we didn't see this coming. She was never a rough and tumble boy, always delicate, but parents see what they want to see in their children and I was certainly no exception.

She's studying computer engineering in college, still living at home to save some money, has a part time job and is very happy and giggly. She's extremely intelligent and has a high IQ. By the way, I often see brilliantly intelligent transgender people. I'm not sure if there is a correlation though. Anyway, that's our story.

Sometimes I go back and reread the PM you sent me a while back. Your story is touching, and I'm so happy for your daughter. And I'm happy that she has you nearby and that you get to have a relationship with her and help her learn how to navigate life as a woman. Heart
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29-06-2017, 02:35 PM
RE: As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
Actually Larai got me to think about something:
I am not sure if i would wait until exactly 18 years old to be honest, although I agree on the caution and giving it some waiting time. I would wait until my child is mature enough that together with the child I can talk and think through everything.
So just to make this clear. When I was 10 years old, I already knew that I was a boy. At the time transgenderism wasn't known to anybody and of course not me either BUT I knew that inside I was a boy. I also knew that on the outside I am not a boy for some reason which I did not understand. And if, at this time, society and I had known transgenderism, I would have told my mother very clearly. If at that age, my mother and a doctor would have talked to me about transitioning and such things, I would have understood this fully. At that age, I understood way more complicated things than that at 10 years old.
Nowadays as far as I could find out, if your child is transgender, the child won't be approved for Estrogen / Testosteron until a certain age anyway, but they usually do offer to hold up puberty. And I don't think that is too bad because you can resume puberty if it turns out that it really was just a phase. So I would certainly give it time and not push my child into any treatments.
So I think, if I had, let's say a 12 year old, that tells me that he/she is transgender, I would talk it through and keep the lines of communications open with my child, I would also find a therapist, and then go from there.

The one thing I would not do is use 18 years old as the magic number of we can act on it now. At 18 you are mostly done with puberty and if you are transgender, that is horrible. It means that you will have to go through two puberties and very invasive surgery when some of that could have been prevented simply by not entering puberty to begin with.
Surpressing puberty so that secondary sexual pointers don't happen yet, is a good start. I would have loved to not grow boobs. And I am sure that FTM trans teens would prefer to not get an adams apple. Things like that.

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29-06-2017, 02:59 PM
RE: As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
(29-06-2017 02:35 PM)Leerob Wrote:  Actually Larai got me to think about something:
I am not sure if i would wait until exactly 18 years old to be honest, although I agree on the caution and giving it some waiting time. I would wait until my child is mature enough that together with the child I can talk and think through everything.
So just to make this clear. When I was 10 years old, I already knew that I was a boy. At the time transgenderism wasn't known to anybody and of course not me either BUT I knew that inside I was a boy. I also knew that on the outside I am not a boy for some reason which I did not understand. And if, at this time, society and I had known transgenderism, I would have told my mother very clearly. If at that age, my mother and a doctor would have talked to me about transitioning and such things, I would have understood this fully. At that age, I understood way more complicated things than that at 10 years old.
Nowadays as far as I could find out, if your child is transgender, the child won't be approved for Estrogen / Testosteron until a certain age anyway, but they usually do offer to hold up puberty. And I don't think that is too bad because you can resume puberty if it turns out that it really was just a phase. So I would certainly give it time and not push my child into any treatments.
So I think, if I had, let's say a 12 year old, that tells me that he/she is transgender, I would talk it through and keep the lines of communications open with my child, I would also find a therapist, and then go from there.

The one thing I would not do is use 18 years old as the magic number of we can act on it now. At 18 you are mostly done with puberty and if you are transgender, that is horrible. It means that you will have to go through two puberties and very invasive surgery when some of that could have been prevented simply by not entering puberty to begin with.
Surpressing puberty so that secondary sexual pointers don't happen yet, is a good start. I would have loved to not grow boobs. And I am sure that FTM trans teens would prefer to not get an adams apple. Things like that.

After having survived two puberties- I can easily say that neither one was a picnic, that's for sure! Laugh out load

But yes, many of puberty's changes are extremely distressing for trans people. For FTM, growing breasts is probably the hardest part and requires painful, invasive, and expensive surgery to remove them, and that leaves permanent chest scars. The other issue is fat distribution, but that will likely change for most FTM after they start hormones.

For MTF, bone structure changes all over the body are permanent and surgery can't fix most of it. In puberty, males grow taller, shoulders grow wider, bone growth becomes set after puberty has ended- so hips stay narrower, hands tend to grow larger and thicker, feet tend to grow larger (I have always had small hands and feet though lol), adams apple appears, voice grows deeper, muscle growth increases, hair growth all over the body starts, etc.

Hair growth can be reversed- painfully and at great expense ($$$$). Hormones will cause breast growth and fat redistribution and eventually bone density will lessen and match with other women. But bone growth is set, so shoulders remain wider, hips remain narrower, hands/feet won't change, facial changes are set. Some changes to the face can be impacted by hormones- fat redistribution will change your face shape a bit. Also, facial feminization surgery is available, but it's expensive, invasive, and painful- and often uncovered by insurance. Then, of course, there's the bottom surgery- also super expensive, often not covered, and will yield mixed results. Also, painful, long recovery, and requires a lifetime of dilation. But puberty blockers wouldn't change anything about bottom surgery. Everything else, though, could be prevented by puberty blockers.

They are a fuckin miracle for trans kids.
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29-06-2017, 04:11 PM
RE: As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
(29-06-2017 02:59 PM)Emma Wrote:  
(29-06-2017 02:35 PM)Leerob Wrote:  Actually Larai got me to think about something:
I am not sure if i would wait until exactly 18 years old to be honest, although I agree on the caution and giving it some waiting time. I would wait until my child is mature enough that together with the child I can talk and think through everything.
So just to make this clear. When I was 10 years old, I already knew that I was a boy. At the time transgenderism wasn't known to anybody and of course not me either BUT I knew that inside I was a boy. I also knew that on the outside I am not a boy for some reason which I did not understand. And if, at this time, society and I had known transgenderism, I would have told my mother very clearly. If at that age, my mother and a doctor would have talked to me about transitioning and such things, I would have understood this fully. At that age, I understood way more complicated things than that at 10 years old.
Nowadays as far as I could find out, if your child is transgender, the child won't be approved for Estrogen / Testosteron until a certain age anyway, but they usually do offer to hold up puberty. And I don't think that is too bad because you can resume puberty if it turns out that it really was just a phase. So I would certainly give it time and not push my child into any treatments.
So I think, if I had, let's say a 12 year old, that tells me that he/she is transgender, I would talk it through and keep the lines of communications open with my child, I would also find a therapist, and then go from there.

The one thing I would not do is use 18 years old as the magic number of we can act on it now. At 18 you are mostly done with puberty and if you are transgender, that is horrible. It means that you will have to go through two puberties and very invasive surgery when some of that could have been prevented simply by not entering puberty to begin with.
Surpressing puberty so that secondary sexual pointers don't happen yet, is a good start. I would have loved to not grow boobs. And I am sure that FTM trans teens would prefer to not get an adams apple. Things like that.

After having survived two puberties- I can easily say that neither one was a picnic, that's for sure! Laugh out load

But yes, many of puberty's changes are extremely distressing for trans people. For FTM, growing breasts is probably the hardest part and requires painful, invasive, and expensive surgery to remove them, and that leaves permanent chest scars. The other issue is fat distribution, but that will likely change for most FTM after they start hormones.

For MTF, bone structure changes all over the body are permanent and surgery can't fix most of it. In puberty, males grow taller, shoulders grow wider, bone growth becomes set after puberty has ended- so hips stay narrower, hands tend to grow larger and thicker, feet tend to grow larger (I have always had small hands and feet though lol), adams apple appears, voice grows deeper, muscle growth increases, hair growth all over the body starts, etc.

Hair growth can be reversed- painfully and at great expense ($$$$). Hormones will cause breast growth and fat redistribution and eventually bone density will lessen and match with other women. But bone growth is set, so shoulders remain wider, hips remain narrower, hands/feet won't change, facial changes are set. Some changes to the face can be impacted by hormones- fat redistribution will change your face shape a bit. Also, facial feminization surgery is available, but it's expensive, invasive, and painful- and often uncovered by insurance. Then, of course, there's the bottom surgery- also super expensive, often not covered, and will yield mixed results. Also, painful, long recovery, and requires a lifetime of dilation. But puberty blockers wouldn't change anything about bottom surgery. Everything else, though, could be prevented by puberty blockers.

They are a fuckin miracle for trans kids.

Maybe it's because naturally I have always had almost no Testosterone (especially for a male), but I got small hands and feet almost no body hair (though I can grow an ok beard) and I don't think I have an Adams apple, certainly not one I can easily notice.

Even more surprisingly is my dick isn't tiny >.> I mean it's certainly not huge or anything but given the small hands small feet stereotype..... And my sex drive isn't low either, at least I don't think. Holy fuck if other guys have a higher sex drive than me I don't know how the could handle it!

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29-06-2017, 04:32 PM
RE: As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
(29-06-2017 02:24 PM)Emma Wrote:  
(29-06-2017 02:09 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  I just got back from the beach and saw this thread. I think you know my story, Emma, but some of the newer people here may not.

My son came to me when he...(she) ...was 18 and told me she was transgender. Prior to that, in the latter part of her senior year of high school, she told me she wanted to see a psychologist and a really good psychologist. I was an idiot because at the time I figured she was just super stressed about her future after high school and I sort of dismissed it.

Then I would hear her pacing the floor at night in her bedroom. This went on for several months. She'd sleep all day and stay up at night and barely passed her classes She ask me several times if I had heard voices and wondered if someone was outside of her window trying to get inside. THIS concerned me and that's when I started seriously looking for a psychologist. It was around this time that she told me she was transgender.

She finally got in to see a psychologist and was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. My husband and I were completely devistated. The transgender situation was overshadowed by the schizophrenia. She still insisted she was transgender but my husband and I kept wondering if the two weren't related.

To make a long story short we looked for another more qualified psychologist who had experience with both transgender people and schizophrenic patients. It turned out she was not schizophrenic but suffering from psychotic depression which can mask itself as schizophrenia. It's not unusual for transgender people to suffer from psychotic depression, especially before they come out to their families and transition. The fear of rejection by family members and society is so intense that it can drive transgender people into terrible depressions and suicide. After she transitioned she stopped taking anti-psychotic medications and had no recurring psychosis. Within a month of taking the female hormones she became a smiling, happy person. It was amazing. The darkness was gone from her face.

As a parent, I'm not going to lie, it was difficult. I spent days crying. I was losing my son. Yeah, I know she was probably never my son to begin with but in my mind she was. I went online to find other parents of transgender children and the most common feeling shared by all parents was a sense of mourning the loss of a son or daughter. The advice I got was to let yourself go through the mourning process. I had every intention of accepting her as female and read everything I could on the subject. I never once considered rejection as an option but my husband and I needed to mourn. And we did. It brought my husband and I closer together.

Once in a while I'll happen on an old photo of my daugher when she was a kid and wonder why we didn't see this coming. She was never a rough and tumble boy, always delicate, but parents see what they want to see in their children and I was certainly no exception.

She's studying computer engineering in college, still living at home to save some money, has a part time job and is very happy and giggly. She's extremely intelligent and has a high IQ. By the way, I often see brilliantly intelligent transgender people. I'm not sure if there is a correlation though. Anyway, that's our story.

Sometimes I go back and reread the PM you sent me a while back. Your story is touching, and I'm so happy for your daughter. And I'm happy that she has you nearby and that you get to have a relationship with her and help her learn how to navigate life as a woman. Heart

Most of my friends are very open minded and many are gay so it's not a problem in my circle of aquaintances. One time I was arguing online with someone (yeah, I know, it's stupid) and happened to mention that early on she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Well the other guy claimed that that was her problem, that she was just crazy, mentially ill and then he went from there and claimed that all transgender people were crazy. It pissed me off. I shouldn't have mentioned the misdiagnosed schizophrenia incident because he really ran with it. She hasn't been on any psychotic medication for four or five years. When someone has really has schizophrenia they can't live without their medication for more than 6 months before the symptoms return. The guy was an idiot.

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Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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29-06-2017, 05:22 PM
RE: As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
As an oldie with lots of unfortunate social and misaligned ethical preconceptions from more than 50 years ago—and never having been a parent—it's very difficult for me to form a valid, unbiassed opinion regarding one's own children. I have no issues at all with transgendered persons or the LGTBQ community—I'm very much a believer in live and let live.

Purely guessing, at first I'd be... um... confused, I suppose? This could possibly be coloured with degrees of disbelief, aversion, apprehension, and serious ethical and moral concerns for my child's future in a currently antipathetical world. Or none of those.

It's (I believe) impossible to accurately hypothesize a scenario like this, and I'd also guess that too many people's first response to the question (not the act) which is to say "oh, that'd be fine by me, no problems" may not happen in the real world at the time of the actual disclosure.

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29-06-2017, 05:27 PM
RE: As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
(29-06-2017 07:46 AM)Emma Wrote:  
(29-06-2017 07:41 AM)ImFred Wrote:  Oh. Sounds like tricky terrain. Be careful not to piss off any parents. Stay strong. That sounds exhausting.

Yeah- tricky is right. My mom is great- she's okay with it, though it's a little tough for her to wrap her head around the fact that her former son is now her daughter. My dad won't talk to me anymore, she's shut me out unless I de-transition.

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29-06-2017, 05:27 PM
RE: As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
(29-06-2017 04:11 PM)JesseB Wrote:  Maybe it's because naturally I have always had almost no Testosterone (especially for a male), but I got small hands and feet almost no body hair (though I can grow an ok beard) and I don't think I have an Adams apple, certainly not one I can easily notice.

Even more surprisingly is my dick isn't tiny >.> I mean it's certainly not huge or anything but given the small hands small feet stereotype..... And my sex drive isn't low either, at least I don't think. Holy fuck if other guys have a higher sex drive than me I don't know how the could handle it!

I've always had high testosterone and low estrogene naturally. I think lately it is somewhat in the "normal" range and I notice the difference negatively in my mood. Ya well.

As for hand foot stereotype > Urban myth
As for high sex drive and how to handle it > you handle it Wink

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30-06-2017, 12:30 PM
RE: As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
(29-06-2017 04:11 PM)JesseB Wrote:  
(29-06-2017 02:59 PM)Emma Wrote:  After having survived two puberties- I can easily say that neither one was a picnic, that's for sure! Laugh out load

But yes, many of puberty's changes are extremely distressing for trans people. For FTM, growing breasts is probably the hardest part and requires painful, invasive, and expensive surgery to remove them, and that leaves permanent chest scars. The other issue is fat distribution, but that will likely change for most FTM after they start hormones.

For MTF, bone structure changes all over the body are permanent and surgery can't fix most of it. In puberty, males grow taller, shoulders grow wider, bone growth becomes set after puberty has ended- so hips stay narrower, hands tend to grow larger and thicker, feet tend to grow larger (I have always had small hands and feet though lol), adams apple appears, voice grows deeper, muscle growth increases, hair growth all over the body starts, etc.

Hair growth can be reversed- painfully and at great expense ($$$$). Hormones will cause breast growth and fat redistribution and eventually bone density will lessen and match with other women. But bone growth is set, so shoulders remain wider, hips remain narrower, hands/feet won't change, facial changes are set. Some changes to the face can be impacted by hormones- fat redistribution will change your face shape a bit. Also, facial feminization surgery is available, but it's expensive, invasive, and painful- and often uncovered by insurance. Then, of course, there's the bottom surgery- also super expensive, often not covered, and will yield mixed results. Also, painful, long recovery, and requires a lifetime of dilation. But puberty blockers wouldn't change anything about bottom surgery. Everything else, though, could be prevented by puberty blockers.

They are a fuckin miracle for trans kids.

Maybe it's because naturally I have always had almost no Testosterone (especially for a male), but I got small hands and feet almost no body hair (though I can grow an ok beard) and I don't think I have an Adams apple, certainly not one I can easily notice.

Even more surprisingly is my dick isn't tiny >.> I mean it's certainly not huge or anything but given the small hands small feet stereotype..... And my sex drive isn't low either, at least I don't think. Holy fuck if other guys have a higher sex drive than me I don't know how the could handle it!

I'm also fortunate that I don't have a visible adams apple. Everyone actually has an adams apple, but in women it's generally not as large and visible. For men, it grows larger as the vocal chords are stretched and your voice grows deeper.
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30-06-2017, 12:34 PM
RE: As a parent, what was it like to find out your child is transgender?
(29-06-2017 05:22 PM)SYZ Wrote:  It's (I believe) impossible to accurately hypothesize a scenario like this, and I'd also guess that too many people's first response to the question (not the act) which is to say "oh, that'd be fine by me, no problems" may not happen in the real world at the time of the actual disclosure.

You're not wrong here- though I think some people, if they are honest enough with themselves, can understand roughly how they might feel.
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