Atheist in secret
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30-10-2014, 05:04 AM
Atheist in secret
I'm a parent of two kids, one age 8 the other 1, and married. Before I met my wife I was an agnostic. Couldn't say there was or was not a God. Then during the days of dating my eventual wife, she never really made claim to be a christian or went to church. Then after getting married and having our first kid and moving closer to her parents, her parents have her going to church. Then eventually me. I "found faith" and accepted Jesus and became a christian. Got heavily involved in the church as matter of fact.

Then I read the Bible, and I mean really read it, then one Sunday school lesson was talking about the age of the earth. Well I grew up learning about evolution and that the earth is some billions of years old, so this Sunday school lesson had me begin with the questions.

I started a big hoopla at home and in the church that had everyone questioning me and my membership there, and questioning if my marriage would work if my wife is going to teach creationism and me evolution.

Well I stopped with the arguments and let things get normal again, but I couldn't stand being at church anymore. I started with even more questions, and questioning what I was teaching my kids. So I started doing some self educating, and came to a conclusion that the Bible is full of wrong. It has a "little" history with twisted tails for good stories and myths, a few morals of goodness and a lot of wrong.

I decided I didn't want to go to church anymore and started making my self busy at home so i wouldn't have to go. Till I ran out of things to do. So I went back to school online and filled up with a bunch of classes making sure that Sundays were my main school days.

So now I'm trying to nudge scientific facts and correct my kids behind my wife's back (I do love her but still, MY KIDS TOO). I do not want to create any argument with my wife as I really do love her and I hope that one day maybe she will see the "truth". But for now have decided that for her, her family and the church and most the public I would not come out as an Atheist till I know that my kids have grown up enough to make a decision for them self. Then I can really do the talk with the wife and come out to public. I fear that my wife may leave me over this and is her right to do so, but I do not want to split up during an important time in the kids lives. Really I would not like any kind of split as I really do love my wife.

Tell me y'all s thoughts. Am I going about this right?

Did I mention above..... "I love my wife"
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30-10-2014, 05:41 AM
RE: Atheist in secret
(30-10-2014 05:04 AM)kreiben Wrote:  Tell me y'all s thoughts. Am I going about this right?

Did I mention above..... "I love my wife"

What I don't understand is why you claim to love your wife, and yet feel so compelled to keep this secret about your inner life hidden from her? I would think that your love for your wife is reciprocal, and if your wife does not love you to the extent that you love her, then that's perhaps a problem in and of itself.

If your wife was committed in her vows, in sickness and in health, and if she believes in the Christian God, then she should have faith that the God of Truth, will bring her husbands who pursues this back to him.

At the same time if you grow to despise her faith, rather than remain respectful of it, she'll likely grow to despise you as well.
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30-10-2014, 06:01 AM
RE: Atheist in secret
(30-10-2014 05:04 AM)kreiben Wrote:  I'm a parent of two kids, one age 8 the other 1, and married. Before I met my wife I was an agnostic. Couldn't say there was or was not a God. Then during the days of dating my eventual wife, she never really made claim to be a christian or went to church. Then after getting married and having our first kid and moving closer to her parents, her parents have her going to church. Then eventually me. I "found faith" and accepted Jesus and became a christian. Got heavily involved in the church as matter of fact.

Then I read the Bible, and I mean really read it, then one Sunday school lesson was talking about the age of the earth. Well I grew up learning about evolution and that the earth is some billions of years old, so this Sunday school lesson had me begin with the questions.

I started a big hoopla at home and in the church that had everyone questioning me and my membership there, and questioning if my marriage would work if my wife is going to teach creationism and me evolution.

Well I stopped with the arguments and let things get normal again, but I couldn't stand being at church anymore. I started with even more questions, and questioning what I was teaching my kids. So I started doing some self educating, and came to a conclusion that the Bible is full of wrong. It has a "little" history with twisted tails for good stories and myths, a few morals of goodness and a lot of wrong.

I decided I didn't want to go to church anymore and started making my self busy at home so i wouldn't have to go. Till I ran out of things to do. So I went back to school online and filled up with a bunch of classes making sure that Sundays were my main school days.

So now I'm trying to nudge scientific facts and correct my kids behind my wife's back (I do love her but still, MY KIDS TOO). I do not want to create any argument with my wife as I really do love her and I hope that one day maybe she will see the "truth". But for now have decided that for her, her family and the church and most the public I would not come out as an Atheist till I know that my kids have grown up enough to make a decision for them self. Then I can really do the talk with the wife and come out to public. I fear that my wife may leave me over this and is her right to do so, but I do not want to split up during an important time in the kids lives. Really I would not like any kind of split as I really do love my wife.

Tell me y'all s thoughts. Am I going about this right?

Did I mention above..... "I love my wife"

Man, that sucks! You know the situation the best, so I can't tell you if you're doing the right thing or not. I wish you could just have an honest conversation with her, but I know that's easier said than done sometimes.

Maybe if you prepare her by saying you want to have an open, honest conversation and you really need her understanding. If you tell her you're an atheist, make a common goal. Maybe you can say "We maybe believe differently, but one thing we can agree on is..." Maybe you agree that you want your kids to grow up in a loving environment, or you want your kids to grow up as balanced, thinking individuals. I don't know your family or what you and your wife's parenting goals are, but finding a common goal is key, in my opinion.

Quote:I would not come out as an Atheist till I know that my kids have grown up enough to make a decision for them self.

It is honorable that you want your kids to have a mind of their own. But don't you think having them grow up in church and having them assume you're a Christian throughout their childhood will just confuse things more? Again, you know the best way to handle things. Just giving you some things to think about!

Good luck! :)

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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30-10-2014, 06:02 AM
RE: Atheist in secret
This is an age old issue. There are still today way more closet atheists than professed ones.

Maybe I didn't read this right, but doesn't your wife already know your position and you are just avoiding "the conversation"?

I was a devout catholic til age 10, when I read the bible. I deconverted then.

Just make sure that your kids learn general facts, not necessarily relating to religion. There are a ton of pretty picture books about the universe and science and biology and so on. I bet your wife won't object to your kid looking at those...

Kids are smarter than we remember being. They are sponges, make sure they have something useful to drink up.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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30-10-2014, 06:07 AM
RE: Atheist in secret
(30-10-2014 05:41 AM)Tomasia Wrote:  
(30-10-2014 05:04 AM)kreiben Wrote:  Tell me y'all s thoughts. Am I going about this right?

Did I mention above..... "I love my wife"

What I don't understand is why you claim to love your wife, and yet feel so compelled to keep this secret about your inner life hidden from her? I would think that your love for your wife is reciprocal, and if your wife does not love you to the extent that you love her, then that's perhaps a problem in and of itself.

If your wife was committed in her vows, in sickness and in health, and if she believes in the Christian God, then she should have faith that the God of Truth, will bring her husbands who pursues this back to him.

At the same time if you grow to despise her faith, rather than remain respectful of it, she'll likely grow to despise you as well.

Did he say anything remotely resembling "despise"? Consider

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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30-10-2014, 09:35 AM
RE: Atheist in secret
first, you arent alone in this. There are quite a few people here that are atheist married to believers....some happy, some not. I'm one in the happy camp.

second, start with the Dale McGowan video on youtube from the Free OK event. Its about 45 minutes but I find really helpful to keep in mind when parenting.

third, you need to find a neutral zone with your wife. end the battle. Don't fight about facts, the bible is wrong about this or that, discuss ideas that revolve around each person having the right to follow their own path, everyone is on their own spiritual course, she is on one path, you are on another and your child will choose what is best for themselves. freedom of thought is the basis of humanity.

fourth- teach your child to look for evidence in everything, the everyday stuff, and she will always look for it. how do you know its going to rain? the big gray cloud is present. those things are everywhere. when you don't know an answer go with her to find the resources to learn, and teach her how to know good sources from twisted ones.

go to http://www.yourlogicalfallacyis.com and start teaching her how to spot a bad argument.

these thinking skills will help her more than disrupting your family over what is written in an ancient book.

its how you find peace in your house.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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30-10-2014, 10:36 AM
RE: Atheist in secret
You are not the only one. I keep my lack of belief to myself since I suspect it would cause issues with my wife and possibly the rest of my family. Like you I drop lots of facts and reason into discussion. Unlike you I am not sure if I still love my wife. We have loads of other issues.

Best of luck to you.
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30-10-2014, 11:59 AM
RE: Atheist in secret
If you tell her, make sure you emphasize that your disbelief is not a choice. You can't force yourself to believe.

Also, an omniscient and omnipotent god knows exactly what it would take for you to believe and has the power to make it happen. They'd also know if you were just pretending to believe. If that god is benevolent, they will give you the evidence you need, or forgive you upon your death. But, if this god is your omniscient and omnipotent creator, and has destined you to eternal damnation, then they're not worthy of worship in the first place.

Now, the omniscience also covers knowing your intentions and reasoning. If you truly believe it best for your children to learn how to reason, and navigate the modern world, then you're simply giving them what you feel are the best tools for building a successful future. Same goes for humanitarian efforts; if you see a correlation between education and the advancement of human rights, then a loving god will surely forgive your transgressions.

My logic is undeniable!

Good luck
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30-10-2014, 12:48 PM
Re: Atheist in secret
I can see why it's difficult for you. If you didn't have kids I'd tell you to run away like your ass is on fire. I used to date a wonderfully intelligent woman who is absolutely great with kids. But she believes dinosaurs never existed. She never was religious around me (this was when I was agnostic) but after we split up, I realized I'd dodged a bullet.

To be honest I'm not sure how you're going to hide this for 17+ years. If you try teaching your kids behind your wife's back, it will probably lead to arguments. I think at some point you're going to have to tell your wife some of this.

I'd suggest first stating that the Bible is more allegory and symbolism than actual fact.
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30-10-2014, 02:01 PM
RE: Atheist in secret
Marriage is about communication, trust and love. Looks like you're batting about .333 there slugger. If you can't be honest about something so important, what kind of marriage is it? But you know what, it's your life and if you think it's acceptable then who am I to question that? I will tell you one thing, though: If you think you are going to get away with telling the children stuff behind Mommy's back then you are deluding yourself more than the Christians you can't stand to be around. Kids love telling their parents what the other one says and they get off on comparing what you say. Sooner or later the conversation is coming, because your kid is going to go to Mommy and say, "But Daddy said dinosaurs are real and lived on the earth millions of years ago, so how can the earth be 6K years old?" Etc. Good luck with that, but I couldn't live that lie for too long.

Check out my now-defunct atheism blog. It's just a blog, no ads, no revenue, no gods.
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Atheism promotes critical thinking; theism promotes hypocritical thinking. -- Me
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