Atheist jokes
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02-07-2015, 07:19 AM
RE: Atheist jokes
San Franciscianology: You going to pack that shit?

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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02-07-2015, 08:11 AM
RE: Atheist jokes
Jainism: Don't hurt this shit

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Beans life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

-Rowan Atkinson
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02-07-2015, 08:16 AM
RE: Atheist jokes
People's Temple: drink this shit

Sadcryface

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Beans life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

-Rowan Atkinson
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02-07-2015, 08:23 AM
RE: Atheist jokes
Pastafarian: Arrrrr...this be PIRATE shit matey!!!

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Beans life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

-Rowan Atkinson
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02-07-2015, 08:55 AM
RE: Atheist jokes
Dudism: Shit happens. Abide.
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02-07-2015, 09:33 AM (This post was last modified: 02-07-2015 09:41 AM by RocketSurgeon76.)
RE: Atheist jokes
An atheist dies and goes to Hell. Obviously, he is very surprised by this!

But there it is: the twisted gates, Cerberus the three-headed dog, the river Styx behind him, "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here" sign. The works. And as the gates open, he sees the Devil himself, goat-hooves, bat-wings, trident, forked tail and all. The booming voice rings out, "Welcome, lost soul... welcome to your eternity in Hell. Come with me and I will show you your new home."

At that, the atheist is so terrified he'd have died, if he wasn't already dead. But as Satan turns and leads on, he follows on leaden feet. Satan begins to introduce areas of Hell and talk through a narration he has clearly given many billion times, but all the atheist can do is stare at the winged back, the rippling muscles under red flesh, in abject horror.

Eventually, however, it wears off enough for him to look around a bit. He sees the sky has turned to blue, with a few puffy clouds. There's grass, the birds are singing, the sun is shining, and... is that a roller coaster over there? Hey! Those people are eating ice cream by the swimming pool. That lady is flying a glider in lazy circles and grinning down at the cheering crowds around the Orgy Contest. And so on. Everywhere he looks are the most amazing things he could ever want to do, crowds of smiling, nonjudgemental people, having the time of their lives... or their deaths, rather.

Finally, Satan notices the atheist has not kept up, so he turns around and walks back to the stopped atheist, notices what he's gawking at, and says, "Oooooh, yes. Right, I probably should've led with this. We're not the jerks portrayed by the other side. That's just propaganda designed to win converts through fear. All lies, like the rest of their book. Don't worry-- we're totally cool, here! You can have anything you want, for all eternity." Satan claps a massive hand on his back as he breathes a huge sigh of relief.

So the tour continues, with Satan pointing out the free motorcycle rental booths, the videogame arcades, the hoverboard skate park, and a thousand other amazing activities.

But then they cross a hill and there it is: The Lake of Fire. Billions of people, wailing in agony, screaming as they tear their flesh endlessly from scalded faces in a sea of molten sulfur, being tormented in a cacophony of pain that physically staggers the previously-hopeful atheist, and he begins to quail again.

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa!!!", says Satan, "Don't worry about that. It's just for the Catholics. We had to build it...

...they insisted."

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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02-07-2015, 09:41 AM
RE: Atheist jokes
Shinto: My ancestors pulled this shit, too.
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02-07-2015, 10:19 AM
RE: Atheist jokes
Animism: God is the spirit of the shit.

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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02-07-2015, 10:55 AM (This post was last modified: 02-07-2015 11:01 AM by Can_of_Beans.)
RE: Atheist jokes
Pentecostal: ish ka snee bobbado shit

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Beans life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

-Rowan Atkinson
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02-07-2015, 11:08 AM
RE: Atheist jokes
Gnosticism: Forget this material shit. Only worry about the spiritual shit.
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