BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
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06-01-2015, 02:51 PM
Question BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
Okay, I've been trying to think of the clearest, most concise way to describe this situation:
My boyfriend's cousin is a lesbian. Her fiancee is my best friend. They're getting married in August and want to start trying to make a baby shortly after. My best friend is the one who would carry the baby. My boyfriend and his cousin are SO MUCH alike it's insane. She's basically the female version of him. So we've discussed them using his sperm, which all four of us are totally cool with and actually pretty excited about. This is my boyfriend's cousins DREAM situation because their child would have the best potential to both look and behave like both of them.

The ONLY issue comes in when we consider the future in regards to my boyfriend's mom. (One relevant but unrelated sidenote: their WHOLE family is devoutly Mormon... my boyfriend and his cousin are the only people in their entire family that don't go to church or believe in god). My boyfriend's mom is (for lack of a better, all-encompassing term) batshit crazy. I could write a whole post about all the issues she has (and I think I have, in the past) but the main concern is that IF she found out, she would act as though the child was HER grandchild. Not cool with anyone involved for a number of reasons (I can list them if anyone thinks it would be relevant, just let me know). And she DOES NOT LISTEN TO REASON.
My boyfriend's cousin wants her immediate family to know that the kid is biologically related to them, too (while this wouldn't be a concern for me if I was in her position, it's understandable to me why she wants that). My boyfriend either wants his mom to know up front or to never find out. His cousin's parent's have really big mouths so he's concerned about her somehow finding out a few years down the road and being hurt.

I'm just looking for advice from some different perspectives on what the best foreseeable way to handle all of this might be. Hopefully hearing from level-headed people who aren't close to the situation will provide some clarity for us!
Thanks so much!
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06-01-2015, 03:04 PM
RE: BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
I say full disclosure. That way boundaries can be set up from the beginning, and you don't have to worry about Armageddon if the word ever got out.

Sure, it may suck at first... may suck really bad. May be awful. May be a lot of fighting and such, but that is the time to set up boundaries... and, in the long run, I think it will be better off for everyone involved.

A sustained lie of that magnitude is a time bomb waiting to go off. Just my opinion.

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06-01-2015, 03:06 PM
RE: BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
They need to weigh whether it is more important for some family to know, vs. other family not knowing.

Since you know your BF's Mom is unable to reason and contain herself if she knew then they need to decide how important it is for the other family members to know. Will those other family members be happy and accepting no matter what? If so, then it will be ok not to tell them. Do they ALL need to know or is it important for just one or two to know, and do those people have the ability to keep quiet?


I hope they are using an attorney to sort out the custody, parental rights issues, it has the potential to be a huge mess.

It might be better if no one but the four of you know. The less people who know a secret the easier it is to keep. When half the family knows, its only a matter of time before the rest find out- usually at the worst possible moment.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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06-01-2015, 03:09 PM
RE: BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
(06-01-2015 03:04 PM)kingschosen Wrote:  I say full disclosure. That way boundaries can be set up from the beginning, and you don't have to worry about Armageddon if the word ever got out.

Sure, it may suck at first... may suck really bad. May be awful. May be a lot of fighting and such, but that is the time to set up boundaries... and, in the long run, I think it will be better off for everyone involved.

A sustained lie of that magnitude is a time bomb waiting to go off. Just my opinion.

true.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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06-01-2015, 03:46 PM
RE: BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
Say the sperm was from your boyfriend's clone...
Family gets a blood relative
Moms gets no grandchild

If she questions it, just say "do you even science?"

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06-01-2015, 04:42 PM
RE: BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
I’m with KC on this. Better having the temper tantrum now than when the kid is here and as B&A says make sure the paperwork has all the i’s dotted and the t’s crossed. Batshit crazy people do batshit crazy things.

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06-01-2015, 04:50 PM
RE: BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
Ive been thinking about this some more.

My neice is engaged (she is gay), I know she and her financee want to have children once they are married. How they go about it is NONE of my business. No one asked me what sexual position my husband and I were in when we made our babies, its no one else's business how they make their family. If they want to share, I would love to hear, but its not my place to ask just out of curiosity.

boundaries are a good thing.


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07-01-2015, 03:08 PM
RE: BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
Yeah. I'm inclined to encourage them to get on board with telling his mom from the beginning.
I can just foresee a lot of added stress for years and years with her trying to tell the child that she's his/her grandma; persistently badgering the parents to take the child to church; trying to force them to let HER take the child to church; and just being inappropriate in general when it comes to any reference/interactions with the child (which I could see her going WAY out of her way to make happen).
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07-01-2015, 03:25 PM
RE: BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
Going to play devils advocate for a min.....

While I like full disclosure, I worry about her absorbing the child into her world (or trying anyway)

Actually, it's none of her business who the sperm donor is. Not anyone's business.
So.....

I dunno.

Unless you're pretty sure it'll come up in the future I'd leave her out of it. Sounds like she'd have trouble with any of life's complications.

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07-01-2015, 03:27 PM
RE: BF (With a Crazy Mom) Giving Sperm to Lesbian Cousin
I assume boyfriends cousin's family is likely to reject the child if he/she isn't blood related? That's the only reason I can think of that she should tell them.

If that's the case, and especially with crazy people involved, I'm going to agree with KC. Full disclosure from the beginning. Have the battle with boyfriend's mom long before cousin's baby is even concieved. The last thing you want is a huge war over whose grandchildren, and whose child, and who has what rights, and who loves who more for what reason..in front of a child whose feelings could easily be hurt in the mess.

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