Baptism weekend: my experiences
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04-10-2011, 09:25 AM (This post was last modified: 04-10-2011 12:14 PM by Thammuz.)
Baptism weekend: my experiences
I try to steer away from churches as far as possible. The wrecked stench of incense, the pious faces of deluded idiots, the foul grin on a pastor's face; they're just one of the few things that make my blood boil. Never mind the fact the fact that most European churches are right in the city center, mostly on places that would make a great parking garage. But every now and then, I am obliged to attend a service in one these houses of stupidity and moral arrogance. Having families ties has its disadvantages...

This weeks, my niece had to be baptized. She's not even a year old, but the original sin had to be washed off. I know the worst she's done is pooping in her diaper or depriving her parents of much needed sleep; nevertheless, she was a sinner that deserved the eternal fires of hell, especially since Ratzinger abolished the Limbo in 2007.

This day had to be a pleasant day, my niece being saved and all. I, on the other hand, was less pleased. The baptism of little children is like child abuse to me. They might not get any bruises, but the psychological damage can't be denied in the long run. Part of my family is agnostic/atheist and we have share of religious fanatics, including my niece's father and his parents. As it often happens, they dictate the law.

So once again, I got stuck in church. Okay, I might opt to tell the religious nuts to go have sexual intercourse with themselves, but that would invoke the wrath of the other family members that are mostly people pleasers (who don't think religion is harmful). I said I'd go, but that if I received even the slightest remark, all hell would break loose.

Once I got my seat, I thought about the advantages of my presence. What if I use this occasion to write a nice little post about my experience here and the bullshit that happened? So, here goes; get ready for the compressed version of 60 minutes of irritation. My niece will be named Katy in this (not her actual name):




It all started with us gathering in front of the church. All the other children, ranging from 2 to 9 years old were sitting on a bench.
"What's going to happen today with Katy?" asked one of the youner girls. The fanatic grandmother answered with a sweet smile: "We are going to wash Katy today, because when babies are born, they are foul and dirty. And the first bath is special; that's why we are coming here." The explication seemed sufficient to the children.

My sister-in-law and her husband then arrived with Katy, and we went inside. The huge cross with an unhappy Jesus took a prominent place in the church. “Well, at least I’m not hanging on a cross” were my first thoughts: “It’ll all be over within the hour, how much bullshit can I encounter?”
The booklet on my chair had 12 pages of text, none of which made any sense at all. It’s no use copying/translating it all, but here are a few highlights:

1. The child needs a name, once a name is chosen, God writes it into the palm of his hand.
He must have one huge hand :-p And once again, why does he need to write it down? Is an omnipotent God not smart enough to remember the names of his children? He must be getting senile. That probably explains all those contradictions in the bible.

2. The child needs a godfather and godmother. It was my girlfriend and fanatic grandma. “Hey that can’t be right, two godmothers?”. -Sneaky internet check- “Oh oh, this is a violation of canon law!”. Book 4, par 872-874 strictly states that if there are 2 sponsors, they must be of a different sex. Isn’t the entire baptism invalid then? I decided to remain silent, but couldn’t help the slight grin on my face.

3. Lecture from Marc 10, 10-13:
Quote:13 People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” 16 And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.
I pondered about this one. So, if I don’t remain infantile in my mind, I will never reach the kingdom of God? So thinking is bad for me? Well Jesus, if that’s how you like your disciples, then I can understand why so many people still believe in the Bible.

4. My atheist GF kind of panicked then. She wasn't prepared at all for the next passages. But since she was standing next to fanatic grandma, all she could do was say the pledge out loud. this what she swore to believe:

-That God is the almighty father, creator of the heavens and earth
-Jesus, his only son, sitting at his right hand, was born out of the virgin Mary and was erected from the dead.
-etc.

She made a cross of Katy's forehead, put her hands on her and even signed the register. yes, she went all the way, lying and pretending for the family fanatics. We got into an argument later on, but that's besides the point. She acted like a good christian, pissing me off.

5. The pastor kneeld before Katy, smiled and said to her: "it's too bad you don't understand this yet". Everyone laughed... Somewhat funny isn't it?
No, of course it's not. She was subscribed to club where according to the manual, she is to be regarded as a second class citizen. All this has been done against her will, there is nothing to laugh about! I guess I was the only one.


The rest of the service was utter bullshit too, but these are the most important things I remember. Afterwards, we had dinner. I'm quite sure the menu was not in accordance with Leviticus either, but fanatic grandma enjoy it nonetheless. I was dog tired when I got home from the acting all day. This was not a happy event and I hated the fact that I had to shut up about everything I stand for, while the fanatics kept on blabbing about God's Grace.


This is the last time I'm attending a service with the amount of respect I showed this weekend. This is the last time I'm going to shut up. I feel like a prostitute for neglecting what I stand for, even though it was just to please my family and to avoid quarrels. I don't have to listen to this bullshit and act happy about it. I know many of you guys probably had much worse experiences. I just tought I'd share my story with you today.



edit: typo

"Infinitus est numerus stultorum." (The number of fools is infinite)
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04-10-2011, 10:28 AM
RE: Baptism weekend: my experiences
I just can't understand why people do this stupid shit. I know the theological reasons but it's so weird.

Can't they just have a "welcome to the world" party or something? with a kiddie pool? Adults could even wear costumes. I think that would be a lot more fun and certainly more spiritually enlightening.

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04-10-2011, 11:09 AM
RE: Baptism weekend: my experiences
Dam man that sucks. I was "ordered" to attend a mind unmbing function at a church..ah what was it? I forget. Anyways a just blankly stared at those ordering me and said "No. Go away. I you think you're going to drag me there then prepare for me causing shit for everyone." That shut them up.

I've found that just because people are your family doesn't mean you have to please them. Fanatic grandma going on about something? Don't litien just walk away. If she says something, release the kraken.

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05-10-2011, 07:05 PM (This post was last modified: 05-10-2011 07:23 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Baptism weekend: my experiences
All 4 of my now adult children were baptized into the Catholic Church within a year of their birth because I promised the Church not to interfere with their religious indoctrination and upbringing in order for this atheist to be married to a devout Catholic in a Catholic Church by a priest some 26 years ago now. I really enjoyed the pomp and circumstance surrounding the baptismal ritual as grand theater. I mean how can marking my infant's forehead with "holy" water while muttering some meaningless incantations hurt them any?

It can't and it didn't. All my offspring are now fine young atheists and they got there all by themselves without my interference or intervention as promised. I'm proud of them, but I expected no less.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
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07-10-2011, 05:59 AM
RE: Baptism weekend: my experiences
Last 2 times I went into church was for my late uncles mass at the date of his death. I have no idea how to translate that and it matters not. I did it only for my grandmother. I was at a wedding last year, one of my friends was getting married and when they all went into church, 3 of us (me, one ex-skinhead and one ex-punker Smile ) just walked to the entrance, as we were the last to enter, we slowly turned around and went behind the church and smoked a splif. Best wedding ever. Smile

As for this "baptism", do not worry, your niece is not baptized, at least not in the eyes of the Christian church, because you said it yourself, she can not have 2 godmothers. So there you go, nothing bad happened. If you ever talk about it with her parents, you should mention this fact and tell them they did it wrong, according to the Bible.

I ain't going to no churches for no reasons ever, really don't see the point, since I do not believe in any of that crap. It's actually offensive to the other believers for me to stay in their church, so it's better for everyone if I stay outside. Simple as that. I don't mind listening to the BS, I'm used to it, spent enough time in the church to become immune.

Smile

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07-10-2011, 09:21 AM
RE: Baptism weekend: my experiences
(07-10-2011 05:59 AM)Filox Wrote:  It's actually offensive to the other believers for me to stay in their church, so it's better for everyone if I stay outside.

How could your being in church be offensive to believers?

The information in ancient libraries came from real minds of real people. The far more complex information in cells came from the far more intelligent mind of God.
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09-10-2011, 05:28 PM
RE: Baptism weekend: my experiences
Well maybe it is not, but while the theists in church listen to the Word of God, I listen to complete and utter BS, plus I hate this whole ceremony thing, so the whole wedding thing is a charade for me, just something unnecessary to spend a lot of money on. Because I see things like that, I have a feeling that I have no place in churches and on ceremonies like that.

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