Been hurting
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10-03-2013, 01:38 PM
Been hurting
Feeling quite down and depressed...it seems like I take everything too personally and take criticisms too much to heart.

Recently my husband complained the house wasn't neat enough -- now I understood that his mother's home is a museum...

Since then I've been cleaning and cooking like a Stepford wife. I sit for a moment and that's the moment he sees...

"oh sitting on your ass again I see"

He's joking...

But when he's at work...(he works nights) I cry myself to sleep all too often.

I hate feeling fragile. I hate being so vulnerable.

I'm embarrassed to admit this to anyone...even here...


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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10-03-2013, 01:48 PM (This post was last modified: 10-03-2013 01:55 PM by Vera.)
RE: Been hurting
This sounds a lot like depression (as in the diagnosis). Have you ever been to a doctor? I'm not one for therapy or pills, but I also know for a fact that depression, even a mild one, can be debilitating.

Also, a lot of men (actually, scratch that, most people) are rather insensitive, at least when it comes to the pain/feelings of others. I still haven't found a way of dealing with this, other than avoidance, but as this isn't the solution in your case, do you think you can talk to him and let him know that comments like this are hurting you? I'm sure he doesn't do it on purpose (I have a cousin who is exactly like this), he's just talking without thinking (like too many people). But if he knows he's causing you pain, he'll probably try to cut it out and stop himself before he says something like that.

All I'm saying is, most people never give the way their actions and words affect others much thought, so if you're waiting for them to realise on their own they're hurting you, it may never happen. So speak up and demand at least some consideration.

As for how not to take things too personally/let them hurt you - I'll get back to you when I figure it out myself.

And lastly: [Image: th_glomp.gif]

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
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10-03-2013, 01:52 PM
RE: Been hurting
Aww Momma Sad Sorry. Hey you should tell him, let him know you felt a bit hurt and why. Men are kinda sometimes pretty thick about picking up stuff like this even when it's obvious... just explain that exact thing you just posted, that you've been breaking yourself because of this casual comment and he just made it worse by joking about it when you've been working so hard...
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10-03-2013, 02:48 PM
RE: Been hurting
Thanks...thought about going to a doctor, but it seems silly to go saying I get sad because my husband is sometimes a boob...

I did talk to him, he was dismissive about it all...saying he was just joking. I tried to say more, but he was in the get me a beer mode and not into the placate the wife while she drones about her "feelings" mode.

I know I'm minimalizing my feelings....

It's exhausting to pretend everything is ok.


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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10-03-2013, 02:56 PM
RE: Been hurting
Oh boy, I am a bad one. Tongue
"the house is not neat enough" would have caused me to say: "you just don't know how dirty it gets". And if the complaints went on after that, I would have stopped cleaning it altogether.
I don't tend to get hurt by such things, I get stubborn. My husband knew that and would not criticize anything he didn't do better himself.
Unless he had constructive criticism to offer, which I always appreciate.
"The house is not neat enough" is not a constructive comment. He could have fixed the thing that caused the comment and said" There, this makes me more comfortable" or something of the sort, and I bet you'd have accomodated him in the future without hurt feelings.
Your feelings were hurt because he hurt them - tell him! Men are notoriously bad mind readers, and while you are still fretting, he likely long forgot his insensitive remark. If you let these things slide, they can become habitual. If you point them out, things like that may not happen again. Don't be a doormat, you just get stepped on. Don't be sad, and don't be angry, just fix it.

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10-03-2013, 03:02 PM
RE: Been hurting
Yes, I'm not too keen on doctors, either. But I've come to realise that a lot of the time the way we feel is due entirely (or mostly) to some chemical stuff going haywire in our brains and we're kinda powerless against it. Even if we choose not to go the way of pills (which I'm not a fan of, either), the thought that something in our brains is making stuff appear worse than it actually is, can be helpful. Puts things into perspective and what have you.

Anyway, it looks like your husband's attitude is the biggest problem (from what you've told us). So if you cannot make him see things the way you do and get him to tone it down a bit (and sadly, changing anyone is damn near impossible), the only thing I can think of, is to try and remind yourself he really doesn't mean anything by it. And that even if he did, he's not right. I know that this is much easier said than done, but...

(Maybe a bit of practice would help? How about we start throwing insensitive things at you here, so that you can get used to handling them and not letting them get to you Angel )

PS. Everyone's fragile (nothing to be ashamed of). But most people only care about their own vulnerability and pain. So do the same and try to protect yourself (because sadly, no one - or nearly no one - would do that for you).

See what you made me do - start posting more again Angry But I like you, so I'll make an exception this one time Tongue

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
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10-03-2013, 03:23 PM
RE: Been hurting
I don't like that he dismisses your feelings... Sad
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10-03-2013, 03:35 PM
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 02:56 PM)Dom Wrote:  Oh boy, I am a bad one. Tongue
"the house is not neat enough" would have caused me to say: "you just don't know how dirty it gets". And if the complaints went on after that, I would have stopped cleaning it altogether.
I don't tend to get hurt by such things, I get stubborn. My husband knew that and would not criticize anything he didn't do better himself.
Unless he had constructive criticism to offer, which I always appreciate.
"The house is not neat enough" is not a constructive comment. He could have fixed the thing that caused the comment and said" There, this makes me more comfortable" or something of the sort, and I bet you'd have accomodated him in the future without hurt feelings.
Your feelings were hurt because he hurt them - tell him! Men are notoriously bad mind readers, and while you are still fretting, he likely long forgot his insensitive remark. If you let these things slide, they can become habitual. If you point them out, things like that may not happen again. Don't be a doormat, you just get stepped on. Don't be sad, and don't be angry, just fix it.


I can confirm the fact that most men are not good mind readers.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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10-03-2013, 04:14 PM
RE: Been hurting
You should have gotten pissed and slapped him in the damned face for complaining "the house wasn't neat enough". Your husband could just be an asshole, and maybe the problem isn't you.

It's not, even in the slightest way, okay for him to be dismissive of your feelings. There might be a fine line, somewhere, between addressing your feelings and being a whiny, annoying bitch; but even if there was a line, at all, I doubt that you are even close to it, let alone crossing it.

So, don't feel like the problem is you. Just let him know, again, that even if it was a joke, it wasn't funny, and it's not acceptable for him to talk to you and/or treat you like that.

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“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser men so full of doubts.” ― Bertrand Russell
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10-03-2013, 04:18 PM
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 04:14 PM)TrulyX Wrote:  You should have gotten pissed and slapped him in the damned face for complaining "the house wasn't neat enough". Your husband could just be an asshole, and maybe the problem isn't you.



It's not, even in the slightest way, okay for him to be dismissive of your feelings. There might be a fine line, somewhere, between addressing your feelings and being a whiny, annoying bitch; but even if there was a line, at all, I doubt that you are even close to it, let alone crossing it.



So, don't feel like the problem is you. Just let him know, again, that even if it was a joke, it wasn't funny, and it's not acceptable for him to talk to you and/or treat you like that.
Probably not a good idea to encourage domestic violence. Then both parties would be in the wrong.

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