Been hurting
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10-03-2013, 04:30 PM
RE: Been hurting
How much time do you spend doing things that you enjoy outside the home? Do you work outside the home? It's very important that you make time for yourself.

There was a day that I had put up with men talking to me lhorrible. Too many years of mental abuse actually made me strong and gave me a, if you don't like it you can kiss my ass, kind of attitude. I also had to learn to not take things personal that were not meant to be. It's hard. Good, honest communication in your partner is very important. And it goes both ways. If he really cares he will listen if not he's a fuckin ass.

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10-03-2013, 06:50 PM (This post was last modified: 10-03-2013 07:16 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 02:48 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Thanks...thought about going to a doctor, but it seems silly to go saying I get sad because my husband is sometimes a boob..

Speaking as a recovering boob,

(10-03-2013 02:56 PM)Dom Wrote:  Oh boy, I am a bad one. Tongue
"the house is not neat enough" would have caused me to say: "you just don't know how dirty it gets". And if the complaints went on after that, I would have stopped cleaning it altogether.
I don't tend to get hurt by such things, I get stubborn. My husband knew that and would not criticize anything he didn't do better himself. Unless he had constructive criticism to offer, which I always appreciate. "The house is not neat enough" is not a constructive comment. He could have fixed the thing that caused the comment and said" There, this makes me more comfortable" or something of the sort, and I bet you'd have accomodated him in the future without hurt feelings. Your feelings were hurt because he hurt them - tell him! Men are notoriously bad mind readers, and while you are still fretting, he likely long forgot his insensitive remark. If you let these things slide, they can become habitual. If you point them out, things like that may not happen again. Don't be a doormat, you just get stepped on. Don't be sad, and don't be angry, just fix it.

What Dom said. I've made the mistake more than once telling ManlyGirl that I'd like to have the bed made and the bedroom clean when I get home. "All I do is sleep there, fatboy. The rest of the mess is all you. Clean up after yourself." ... So now I do. And Manly says if I insist on sleeping like this, I'm gonna end up sleeping alone.

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10-03-2013, 07:18 PM
RE: Been hurting
Even a seemingly small negative remark can hurt a lot, especially if it's said over and over again...or some variation thereof. It becomes a mental beatdown.

I'm sorry you are hurting. If you can't talk with him in a civilized manner because he just blows you off then perhaps Manly's technique would be more effective.

Early on my husband made remarks about the house not being clean enough. I killed myself for a while trying to live up to his standards. Then I just said "fuck it", I'll do what I can (along with taking care of three kids and working) and he can pitch in or shut up.

After a while he was vacuuming and shampooing our carpets till I thought there would be nothing left. Saturday mornings would find him running around with a cloth and bottle of 409 cleaning door edges and light switches. I never have gotten him to clean a bathroom...I just moved my stuff out of the one he uses and don't go in his pit.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude.
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10-03-2013, 07:29 PM
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 07:18 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I never have gotten him to clean a bathroom...I just moved my stuff out of the one he uses and don't go in his pit.

That's what Manly did, now I clean my own bathroom too.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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10-03-2013, 09:36 PM
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 01:38 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Feeling quite down and depressed...it seems like I take everything too personally and take criticisms too much to heart.

Recently my husband complained the house wasn't neat enough -- now I understood that his mother's home is a museum...

Since then I've been cleaning and cooking like a Stepford wife. I sit for a moment and that's the moment he sees...

"oh sitting on your ass again I see"

He's joking...

But when he's at work...(he works nights) I cry myself to sleep all too often.

I hate feeling fragile. I hate being so vulnerable.

I'm embarrassed to admit this to anyone...even here...
Cheer up Mom (Mum).

If it only happens occasionally, could be chemical, in which cast things we normally take in our stride can be very hurtful.
Play it by ear; hopefully things will brighten up soon.

Nothing to be ashamed over. Better overly sensitive than overly callous. Smile
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10-03-2013, 09:54 PM
RE: Been hurting
I'm sorry to hear that... Guys can be so insensitive at times. Angry

They don't realize (or they don't care) that little snide comments like, "sitting on your ass again?" is like a stab to the heart. It sticks and makes you doubt yourself. You are not taking things too personally. Don't doubt yourself! Methinks you also are in need of a hug.

I hope things get better for you Heart

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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11-03-2013, 05:14 AM
RE: Been hurting
If it happens all the time, it's just like religious indoctrination, if you hear something over and over and over, you tend to believe it. Human nature - human learning. That's then a bad situation that needs to be fixed.
And of course your reaction is chemically caused - and can be lighter or stronger depending on your current hormonal situation.
All our reactions are chemically caused. That doesn't remove responsibility from anyone. While it demands self-awareness, you can override chemically triggered responses much of the time.
When you hear the trigger, pinch yourself (physically or mentally) and tell yourself: "No, I am not going to get depressed over this, it's just the same old bullshit". And then go do something different from the usual. Do not withdraw and mope, instead, go for a walk, rearrange some furniture, play a game with the boys (dunno what age they are) or whatever, anything but what you usually do when it happens. Works like a charm, as long as you become aware of the trigger the second it happens.
We all react to things that happen around us automatically, like Pavlov's dog. To stop reacting that way, we need to locate the trigger and deactivate it. Instead of mindlessly slipping into the acquired response, we need to be aware of what is happening and change the outcome. It can be done, the hardest part is really being aware of the trigger as it happens. Once you become properly aware of that precise moment, you'll likely never react the same way again.
If you miss the trigger, not all is lost either. What usually happens after you are triggered? Which bad thoughts do you think? Catch them, become aware of yourself. Think "here I go again thinking this crap. I am the master of my thoughts and my time. I am not spending my time thinking this crap." And go do something different.
If you seriously do this, the trigger will lose it's power. You will feel so much better, there is nothing more empowering than seizing the power over an ingrained response.

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11-03-2013, 08:35 AM
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 04:18 PM)Near Wrote:  Probably not a good idea to encourage domestic violence. Then both parties would be in the wrong.

I didn't actually mean it literally.

You do seem to have a low threshold for domestic violence, though, or maybe a low standard for justice.

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“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser men so full of doubts.” ― Bertrand Russell
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11-03-2013, 08:38 AM
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 01:38 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Feeling quite down and depressed...it seems like I take everything too personally and take criticisms too much to heart.

Recently my husband complained the house wasn't neat enough -- now I understood that his mother's home is a museum...

Since then I've been cleaning and cooking like a Stepford wife. I sit for a moment and that's the moment he sees...

"oh sitting on your ass again I see"

He's joking...

But when he's at work...(he works nights) I cry myself to sleep all too often.

I hate feeling fragile. I hate being so vulnerable.

I'm embarrassed to admit this to anyone...even here...
I'm sorry to hear that. I know you have a lot on your plate, with your kids and it sounds like you havn't been feeling well for a while.

It sounds like counseling could be helpful. I guessing that you have a number of other concerns not mentioned in this thread.

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11-03-2013, 08:44 AM
RE: Been hurting
I wish I had something constructive to add, but I just wanted to say I feel you.

For years and years, I kind of kept my feelings bottled up about this sort of thing, and then when I finally brought it up, he just dismissed it and didn't validate my feelings AT ALL. So then I read a bunch of articles and realized that I had to tell him exactly what I wanted and not be emotional about it and well - I did that, and it still didn't work. He didn't get the message until I told him I wanted a divorce. :sigh:

It hurts that it takes so very much to get a man's attention. Sometimes I wonder what the heck they're thinking! No I think maybe they're kind of trained to tune us out or something. Who knows.

Anyway, mine has been much more helpful around the house as of late and of course, as the years went by, I relaxed my own cleaning standards, too. My tack on the whole household chores thing is that I don't think either one of us (either me or my husband) should have to come home and do chores after we've been working hard all day. So we tend to just let it all slide until the weekend and then we both pitch in (along with the kiddos, of course) and clean. All that gets done during the week is cooking and he's been good to switch off nights with me, to where one night it's me that cooks and the next it's him or else we all just get our own stuff.

So yeah, for me it took me being very serious and very much ready to pack my bags for him to "get it".

I'm still working on trying to trust him again. Confused It's difficult.

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