Been hurting
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11-03-2013, 09:17 AM
RE: Been hurting
Moms,

I find his behavior to be reprehensible. It's an attempt to control you, to dominate you, using the same methods that are used by cult leaders and interrogators at Guantanimo - he's breaking down your self esteem, undermining your identity, turning you into a weaker, broken version of yourself to become dependent on him and his authority. He might not even be consciously doing it, some guys just seem to have a knack for dominating, indoctrinating, and brain-washing other people, particularly their women.

You deserve better. You're intelligent and witty and I, for one, am glad to have gotten to know you (as much as one can, through personal glimpses on an internet forum). You are a worthwhile person, you don't need to define your identity or your value by your ability to please the man who is destroying you from the inside out.

Extreme?

Maybe. But that's what is happening, to some degree, and you deserve better.

The only way it will end is if you end it because he won't. You'll either need to leave, for good, or you'll need to stand up for yourself, put him in his place, demand an equal partnership in your relationship, refuse to be belittled and marginalized and trivialized and subjugated to his needs. If he's just a controlling jerk, then standing up for yourself will drive him away, but if that's all he is then you're better off without him.

I suspect that's not all he is. I suspect that you two have loved each other and have many reasons to be together, and that this situation is just the "worse" in "for better or for worse". If that's the case, if he loves you, if it's worth it to you to salvage the relationship without losing your identity in the process, then confronting him and demanding, yes demanding, a partnership on equal terms, is the only option.

Marriage counseling might be a good place to start - it provides a neutral place with neutral mediation where both sides can safely discuss issues like this without being ignored or trivialized or dismissed as "it was just a joke" when it really was a symptom of a bigger issue.

I like you, Moms, and I hope you can work this out - you deserve better.

"Whores perform the same function as priests, but far more thoroughly." - Robert A. Heinlein
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11-03-2013, 10:39 AM
RE: Been hurting
(11-03-2013 08:35 AM)TrulyX Wrote:  
(10-03-2013 04:18 PM)Near Wrote:  Probably not a good idea to encourage domestic violence. Then both parties would be in the wrong.

I didn't actually mean it literally.

You do seem to have a low threshold for domestic violence, though, or maybe a low standard for justice.


If the roles were reversed, I very much doubt that you would advise the berated husband to slap his wife. What would be domestic violence if done by a man to a woman, would be domestic violence if done by a woman to a man.

So instead of encouraging violence, lets encourage dialogue between the involved parties.

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11-03-2013, 11:07 AM
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 01:38 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Feeling quite down and depressed...it seems like I take everything too personally and take criticisms too much to heart.

Recently my husband complained the house wasn't neat enough -- now I understood that his mother's home is a museum...

Since then I've been cleaning and cooking like a Stepford wife. I sit for a moment and that's the moment he sees...

"oh sitting on your ass again I see"

He's joking...

But when he's at work...(he works nights) I cry myself to sleep all too often.

I hate feeling fragile. I hate being so vulnerable.

I'm embarrassed to admit this to anyone...even here...
I went through this with my husband, too. If he has the nerve to complain about anything you don't do rather than appreciate what you are doing, show him what you do. The best way to do that is to STOP doing anything. I went three days without washing clothes, dishes, cooking....I did NOTHING. This actually drove me crazy, but he got the point. He complained that I didn't fold his shirts like his mother did once...so I took them to her. When he went to look for a shirt and couldn't find one I let him know they were at his mother's house, folded just like he likes them. The only way to teach an ass a lesson is to be an ass yourself.

~Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.~
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11-03-2013, 01:24 PM
RE: Been hurting
(11-03-2013 10:39 AM)Near Wrote:  If the roles were reversed, I very much doubt that you would advise the berated husband to slap his wife. What would be domestic violence if done by a man to a woman, would be domestic violence if done by a woman to a man.

So instead of encouraging violence, lets encourage dialogue between the involved parties.

That is irrelevant. That is, also, your assumption and/or double standard, not mine.

Ultimately, I think you missed the part where I was implying that I didn't actually "advise" it. It was simply hyperbole, used to express the seriousness of the original offense.

I did "encourage dialogue" in my first post, also, and I still hold that talking it out should be encouraged. In situations like these, I would add to avoid being passive aggressive about it, and to avoid letting the problems get to you. Address it in the most direct, least confrontational, simplest way you see as being possible, in order to move on to being happy again.

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“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser men so full of doubts.” ― Bertrand Russell
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11-03-2013, 02:40 PM
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 07:29 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(10-03-2013 07:18 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I never have gotten him to clean a bathroom...I just moved my stuff out of the one he uses and don't go in his pit.

That's what Manly did, now I clean my own bathroom too.
Sounds like she trained you right. Tongue

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11-03-2013, 03:01 PM
RE: Been hurting
I know how you're feeling! I get the same when my husband says things sometimes. I know he means them as a joke or is half-serious, or then says mean things when he is angry---- but to me they're like a bomb was thrown at me. And if they occur often I end up crying and feeling crap about myself, just like you. I live in another country from my man currently (snif!) so that is not helping any, either.

What I have done to help myself is written a long good detailed message for him to read with time, and frowned and blushed and felt embarassed as heck - but then been able to sleep my nights in peace. Your husband probably does not realize how sensitive one can be and how deep in mind these things dig into! One remark like that can stay in the mind for months.
My letter-tactic has even led to some positive results. In person, if the other half gets defensive and the hurt part is sensitive or shy, talking about it becomes increasingly difficult and one just ends up with that feeling of a big cold iron ball in the throat. I know writing a letter or a well-explained note sounds a bit odd if you live in the same house but since he works nights you can leave it in the fridge door and at the same time frown and go for a walk if you must to avoid running there and ripping the letter in shreds before he reads it!

All the best Smile

“A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings intentionally.”
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11-03-2013, 04:57 PM
RE: Been hurting
What GM and Dom said.

Never let someone talk down to you. Remind him he's not your boss and that you do more than your fair share of domestic duties.

(In a nice way, of course Wink )

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11-03-2013, 05:46 PM (This post was last modified: 11-03-2013 05:51 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Been hurting
(11-03-2013 11:07 AM)kellyrm Wrote:  I went through this with my husband, too. If he has the nerve to complain about anything you don't do rather than appreciate what you are doing, show him what you do. The best way to do that is to STOP doing anything. I went three days without washing clothes, dishes, cooking....I did NOTHING. This actually drove me crazy, but he got the point. He complained that I didn't fold his shirts like his mother did once...so I took them to her. When he went to look for a shirt and couldn't find one I let him know they were at his mother's house, folded just like he likes them. The only way to teach an ass a lesson is to be an ass yourself.

That is just ... fucking ... brilliant. [Image: bravo-7466.gif]

(11-03-2013 09:17 AM)Aseptic Skeptic Wrote:  Moms,

I find his behavior to be reprehensible. It's an attempt to control you, to dominate you, using the same methods that are used by cult leaders and interrogators at Guantanimo - he's breaking down your self esteem, undermining your identity, turning you into a weaker, broken version of yourself to become dependent on him and his authority. ...

His behavior is reprehensible, but I doubt his intent is as malicious or malevolent as you indicate, SterileSkeptic. Most of us are just insensitive boobs. Some of us just need to have this pointed out more often than others ... and some of us need to pick up our shirts from our Mom's house before we fully appreciate it.

(11-03-2013 02:40 PM)smidgen Wrote:  
(10-03-2013 07:29 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  That's what Manly did, now I clean my own bathroom too.
Sounds like she trained you right. Tongue

She's a professional dog trainer. She knows what she's doing. Big Grin

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11-03-2013, 05:48 PM (This post was last modified: 11-03-2013 05:53 PM by kellyrm.)
RE: Been hurting
(11-03-2013 05:46 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  That is just ... fucking ... brilliant. [Image: bravo-7466.gif]
.

Cool Thanks! I'm glad somebody could appreciate it...my husband surely didn't.

~Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.~
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11-03-2013, 05:53 PM
RE: Been hurting
(11-03-2013 05:48 PM)kellyrm Wrote:  
(11-03-2013 05:46 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  That is just ... fucking ... brilliant. [Image: bravo-7466.gif]
Cool Thanks! I'm glad somebody could appreciate it...my husband surely didn't.

Does he bitch about how you fold his shirts anymore? No I didn't think so. He appreciated the lesson, he may not have liked it, but he sure as hell appreciated it. Thumbsup

Breathing - it's more art than science.
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