Been hurting
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11-03-2013, 05:54 PM
RE: Been hurting
(11-03-2013 05:53 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(11-03-2013 05:48 PM)kellyrm Wrote:  Cool Thanks! I'm glad somebody could appreciate it...my husband surely didn't.

Does he bitch about how you fold his shirts anymore? No I didn't think so. He appreciated the lesson, he may not have liked it, but he sure as hell appreciated it. Thumbsup
Exactly!!

~Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.~
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12-03-2013, 09:10 AM
RE: Been hurting
(11-03-2013 05:46 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  His behavior is reprehensible, but I doubt his intent is as malicious or malevolent as you indicate, SterileSkeptic. Most of us are just insensitive boobs. Some of us just need to have this pointed out more often than others ... and some of us need to pick up our shirts from our Mom's house before we fully appreciate it.
Yeah, I'm hoping this is the case with my husband - that it just took me finally standing up for myself and saying I'm not going to put up with it anymore that "woke him up" to how much it all was hurting me. But as others have said, until you (Mom) do stand up for yourself, it's likely nothing will change. It's been a hard pill for me to swallow to realize that just being kind to someone and giving them respect doesn't mean you'll get it in return. Sometimes you have to demand respect.

And it doesn't make you a jerk (contrary to what I mistakenly thought for so many years) to have someone earn yours. I gave my husband respect for many, many years that he simply didn't deserve and all b/c the good book told me that's what I was to do. Yeah, that didn't work. Just like those bullies in high school didn't leave me alone until I stood up to them, my husband didn't start treating me better until I stood up to him in a very dramatic way.

Good luck, op. I hope you are able to get up the courage to stand up for yourself long before I did. I was rocking on ten years married before I grew a pair. Actually, I'm still growing into them, but you get the idea...

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12-03-2013, 09:52 AM
RE: Been hurting
Momsbb...hope you are having a better day.

See here they are, the bruises, some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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12-03-2013, 04:00 PM
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 04:30 PM)smidgen Wrote:  How much time do you spend doing things that you enjoy outside the home? Do you work outside the home? It's very important that you make time for yourself.

There was a day that I had put up with men talking to me lhorrible. Too many years of mental abuse actually made me strong and gave me a, if you don't like it you can kiss my ass, kind of attitude. I also had to learn to not take things personal that were not meant to be. It's hard. Good, honest communication in your partner is very important. And it goes both ways. If he really cares he will listen if not he's a fuckin ass.

Between the kiddo, house, his mom and a host of other stuff -- not a whole lot of time for anything else. He goes to work at 3:15 pm comes home at dinner time, then it's right back to work. I don't work and haven't for years. So yea, it's fair completely that the housework falls on me and I don't mind it. (really I don't) the dinner must be on the table at a certain time because it's the only time he really gets to see the kids and doesn't have long to eat, catch up with them before heading back to work. He works until midnight, so I'm in bed before he gets home. I'm up at 6:00 am most days to make breakfast for the kids and husband later when he gets up (it's the very least I can do).

He works super hard (and im totally not implying I don't) and I get that...so when he makes little remarks about me, it does hurt my feelings. But again..he's just a bit insensitive at times and kinda selfish at other times.

We've been together since 1984 so I should totally be used to it by now...it's just the past few years the sniping has gotten a bit worse or maybe after all these years I'm less tolerant of it.


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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12-03-2013, 04:10 PM
RE: Been hurting
(11-03-2013 09:17 AM)Aseptic Skeptic Wrote:  Moms,

I find his behavior to be reprehensible. It's an attempt to control you, to dominate you, using the same methods that are used by cult leaders and interrogators at Guantanimo - he's breaking down your self esteem, undermining your identity, turning you into a weaker, broken version of yourself to become dependent on him and his authority. He might not even be consciously doing it, some guys just seem to have a knack for dominating, indoctrinating, and brain-washing other people, particularly their women.

You deserve better. You're intelligent and witty and I, for one, am glad to have gotten to know you (as much as one can, through personal glimpses on an internet forum). You are a worthwhile person, you don't need to define your identity or your value by your ability to please the man who is destroying you from the inside out.

Extreme?

Maybe. But that's what is happening, to some degree, and you deserve better.

The only way it will end is if you end it because he won't. You'll either need to leave, for good, or you'll need to stand up for yourself, put him in his place, demand an equal partnership in your relationship, refuse to be belittled and marginalized and trivialized and subjugated to his needs. If he's just a controlling jerk, then standing up for yourself will drive him away, but if that's all he is then you're better off without him.

I suspect that's not all he is. I suspect that you two have loved each other and have many reasons to be together, and that this situation is just the "worse" in "for better or for worse". If that's the case, if he loves you, if it's worth it to you to salvage the relationship without losing your identity in the process, then confronting him and demanding, yes demanding, a partnership on equal terms, is the only option.

Marriage counseling might be a good place to start - it provides a neutral place with neutral mediation where both sides can safely discuss issues like this without being ignored or trivialized or dismissed as "it was just a joke" when it really was a symptom of a bigger issue.

I like you, Moms, and I hope you can work this out - you deserve better.

Marriage counseling...no not really us. Parts of what you wrote in your first paragraph, yea...other parts no. Parts I actually like. I don't mind being a stay at home wife and mom. I really don't. There's a lot I can do for him so he can rest up before work. He is quite dominant in his personality, but not really domineering...if that makes sense. He's not arrogant. He really does care about all of us...he just tends to brush stuff under the carpet...

'oh wifey is going on about what an ass I am...I'll listen nicely and think about titty sprinkles'

I dunno..I'm wondering if it's our lovely Oregon weather that's making me feel like this, more so than he does...or the stupid things he says just adds to it...I dunno.


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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12-03-2013, 04:23 PM
RE: Been hurting
(10-03-2013 07:18 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Even a seemingly small negative remark can hurt a lot, especially if it's said over and over again...or some variation thereof. It becomes a mental beatdown.

I'm sorry you are hurting. If you can't talk with him in a civilized manner because he just blows you off then perhaps Manly's technique would be more effective.

Early on my husband made remarks about the house not being clean enough. I killed myself for a while trying to live up to his standards. Then I just said "fuck it", I'll do what I can (along with taking care of three kids and working) and he can pitch in or shut up.

After a while he was vacuuming and shampooing our carpets till I thought there would be nothing left. Saturday mornings would find him running around with a cloth and bottle of 409 cleaning door edges and light switches. I never have gotten him to clean a bathroom...I just moved my stuff out of the one he uses and don't go in his pit.

It's the negative remarks that hurt. The other day tho..I called him a stupid ass for turning the tv on right...seriously...I guess there are right and wrong ways of doing it...and somehow I just felt he was doing it wrong...

Of course, I told him I was sorry...and brought him a beer. He was just like...eh no big deal.

It occurred to me then he really expects me to blow off what he says the way he does me...yanno?

Beginning to think this is really more about me and my issues than him or his.


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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12-03-2013, 04:24 PM
RE: Been hurting
(12-03-2013 09:52 AM)Anjele Wrote:  Momsbb...hope you are having a better day.

Thanks and thanks to everyone who's commented. It means a lot to me. <3


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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12-03-2013, 04:42 PM
RE: Been hurting
He needs a vacation and so do you... so plan a week off. During that week, make sure Hubby takes a vacation from all outside work - if he has two jobs coordinate those vacations to coincide. Plan it. You don't have to go anywhere... in fact, you probably shouldn't... stay within the scene of the crime, so to speak. A stay-cation.
Get rid of your kids for that week - farm them out to any relatives or friends you can find, even if you have to split them up. When they're back together, they'll appreciate each other and you more.

You've both forgotten how to live with each other and need to be locked up in a house together for an extended period of time. Might be fun; you might just drive each other crazy. Something will be accomplished. You'll both find out who you're married to.

I think in the end, I just feel like I'm a secular person who has a skeptical eye toward any extraordinary claim, carefully examining any extraordinary evidence before jumping to conclusions. ~ Eric ~ My friend ... who figured it out.
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12-03-2013, 05:16 PM
RE: Been hurting
We're actually taking a trip just he and I to San Francisco this summer for our 25th anniversary and leaving the kids (19 & 13) home with the dog. His mom will stop by unannounced to check on them.

Making a loooooong list of all the places I must eat.


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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12-03-2013, 05:21 PM
RE: Been hurting
(12-03-2013 04:23 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  It occurred to me then he really expects me to blow off what he says the way he does me...yanno?

Ummm ... yeah, that's pretty much our default position. But we can shift positions when it starts to become uncomfortable. Tell him his attitude is bothering you. After you two being together some 29 years now, my money's on him shifting positions. Good luck, MumSwimmingInASeaOfTestosterone. Thumbsup

Breathing - it's more art than science.
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