Being irrational
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10-09-2014, 07:47 PM
Being irrational
I was thinking about how my husband died again today. I think I was acting really strangely irrational.

I couldn't care less what happens to my body after I am dead, and my husband felt the same.

BUT - when my husband died, the thought of anyone being disrespectful to him made me angry. When the cops told me they were going into the bedroom and would close the door behind themselves, I flat out forbid it.

They asked why and I told them I didn't know, I just didn't want the door closed. So they left it open.

Totally makes no sense. But then, I felt like I wasn't even there. I was outside, watching, somehow. It's hard to describe.

A lot of my behaviors following this were irrational.

The whole grieving process is irrational. It's like a part of you split off and acts on it's own and you are watching. Sometimes you are in control, sometimes "it" is. Over time, "it" just disappears.

That almost sounds insane, but it's not, it's part of the healing process. A part of you did split off. There is a void where it was. Filling the void is painful and your body takes control at times, and you cry for no tangible reason. Totally irrational crying. You can cry because the sun is shining, because a bird flew by, because the beer tastes good. You cry whether you want to or not, whether you are sad or not - it's physical.

So I assume all the irrational behaviors at that time were physically caused also.

This isn't really a call for support, it's just a bunch of observations and random thoughts and I don't want it to end up as a thread with upside down dogs. Tongue

I am still trying to figure this out. So I posted it where there are rules of conduct.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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10-09-2014, 08:03 PM
RE: Being irrational
If I remember right, you spent a lot of time taking care of your husband before his death, so even being irrational, I can understand why your gut reaction was to not let the officers alone with him. You cared for him, protected him. I'd bet his death enhanced that feeling. Even though you knew he was gone, his "presence" because of the shock of his death was more acute. I can see why your protective caring side went into overdrive at that moment. It was instinct taking control. If that makes any sense?

I think no matter how long you have to prepare for a loved ones death, you can't be ready for the shock of them actually being gone. It does help to know it's coming, and likely lessens it a bit, but not completely.

I knew you're not looking for support, but still want to give you a Hug

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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10-09-2014, 08:06 PM (This post was last modified: 10-09-2014 08:09 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Being irrational
(10-09-2014 07:47 PM)Dom Wrote:  I was thinking about how my husband died again today. I think I was acting really strangely irrational.
...
Totally makes no sense. But then, I felt like I wasn't even there. I was outside, watching, somehow. It's hard to describe.

Hyper-aware and hyper-rational. Been there dealing with my younger brother's untimely unexplained demise. I shed no tears for him but I felt like you described. Hollowed out.

#sigh
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10-09-2014, 08:11 PM
RE: Being irrational
I really don't see anything irrational about it, Dom. In the face of that situation, your reaction is just your reaction. Crying, for any reason, is a perfectly natural thing. It's just coping.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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10-09-2014, 08:11 PM (This post was last modified: 11-09-2014 10:34 AM by Adrianime.)
RE: Being irrational
I am also attached to the body..and respecting it, because it has sentimental meaning. My last girlfriend and I only ever got in 2 arguments. One was because she said she wanted to be cremated when she died and I just couldn't handle the thought of her body being incinerated.

I don't know if it's natural or not to feel this way. It probably is. But damnit just because a person dies doesn't mean the body should be treated in any manner. It still has meaning, to me.

Sorry about your husband. I don't know the timeline of this, but I am sorry.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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10-09-2014, 11:13 PM
RE: Being irrational
I have spent a lot of time in the grieving process and this is similar to my thought process. I never realized more than at these times how our feelings aren't our thoughts, they are just sensory and provide input to our thought process, though not rational at all. I think being social creatures can make this messy- but I wouldn't have it any other way.
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11-09-2014, 12:01 AM
RE: Being irrational
Yep - a loved one dies, the automatic pilot kicks in, and I'm in a daze for ... for however long it takes. Once that fog kind of lifts and things start "getting back to normal", it's still a struggle to put things in their place - thoughts and emotions don't seem to be where they were left.

It's like you're living the same life but someone moved a feeling to a different place and you know it can't be put back into the same place so, now you just have to live with it where it is.

It really is no wonder people made up stories about gods being in control of stuff.

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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11-09-2014, 12:24 AM
RE: Being irrational
I don´t find it irrational at all. As a soon to be nurse, and someone that has worked with elderly people for a long time, I´ve been around my share of dead bodies. When making them ready for the families to say goodbye I always talk to them as if they where alive, telling them when I´m rolling them over, doing things slowly and carefully as if they where alive. Even though I know they are not there anymore, its just out of respect, knowing I would want people to handle me with care and respect even though I´m gone.

Sorry about your husband. I don´t know the whole story as I´m new, but sorry to hear that you lost him.
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11-09-2014, 06:37 AM
RE: Being irrational
I am another who doesn't care what happens to my body after I go. But at the same time, I hope that whoever does the hauling away treats my carcass with some respect and not like a sack of potatoes. I don't think that portion of your reaction is irrational at all.

Funny how memories suddenly rear up and bite us, isn't it? I'm fine for a long time, then something tips the pot and I'm in la-la land again, even many years later.

Hug

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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11-09-2014, 06:46 AM
RE: Being irrational
To clarify the situation: It will be 3 years on Christmas day that he died. And yes, this was preceded by two years of a roller coaster of events.

In those two years we had several operations ( I don't even remember exactly how many - a one week stay in the hospital after robotic removal of bladder and prostate turned into a 6 week stay with everything imaginable and unimaginable going wrong. At the end of these 6 weeks he had a wound from his pelvis up to his chest that had gotten infected twice and was widened and deepened twice (they had to find and undo a block in his intestines). This wound wasn't healing, he was skin and bones, hadn't eaten in those 6 weeks, and had pneumonia. I realized he wasn't going to get better at the hospital, he flat refused to swallow because he said there was some block which no one could find. So I took him home in guarded condition, attached to a wound vac.

At home I put him on cannabis and he got the munchies and we started with fluids and went trough making them thicker and thicker until I put entire meals, meat and everything, through the processor and he was gaining weight and started healing. After 3 months his wound had healed, he was ambulatory, ate normally and started looking his old self. Soon all was back to normal and the following months were the best of our lives. Nothing like a brush with death to make you appreciate life.

Next they found a mass on his liver. We went through a similar experience, this time with the hospital making a grave mistake giving him a medication that was all wrong and expedited his death. We had to fight to get him out of there to die at home in peace, and that's a whole other story.

So, I was worn very thin by the time he died. He had made peace with it and was glad to be home. He died peacefully. He didn't want family to travel and stand around awkwardly while he went, and he didn't want strangers poking at him, so I was alone with him.

Then I had to fight the first responders and then the medics who wanted to revive him. WTF is the point in reviving someone who died of cancer?

Anyway, when the cops showed up I guess I felt that he was still under my watch and they were not going to be alone with him. Period. I had been looking out for him and protecting him all this time and was still in that mode.

Yes, I can see how people insert a god to cover the inexplicable actions you take when under lots of stress. Also, I see why people believe in an afterlife - following the death I had the distinct feeling that he was still there. This wears off gradually.

I think the cause of this is simply that your thoughts are used to include this person in daily life - and simple things like putting out one fork or two and so on and so on are constantly keeping the person in your mind. This wears off slowly with repetition of the stimuli/triggers. It takes years to stop this and get to where the person isn't like a constant presence anymore.

Anyway, I can see why people feel they need a god to explain what happens when someone dies. The god of the gaps isn't just taking the place of scientific explanations of natural phenomena, it explains people themselves.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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