Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
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05-11-2014, 08:38 AM
Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
I’m just curious on something. Recently, I shared with someone about my abusive childhood, and it’s not something I share often. Only close, close friends know of it, but decided that this person seemed trustworthy to share it. Well, this person brings it up whenever we have a conflict, as if it is the reason for the conflict. So, naturally I now regret sharing my past with this friend. Have you ever shared something about your past with another person, who ‘used’ the information against you, so to speak? If so, how did you deal with it? Did you sever the friendship/relationship or just point out to the person to kindly stop mentioning it?

Be true to yourself. Heart
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05-11-2014, 08:43 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
That's a tough one. To be honest, I wouldn't kindly point out to stop mentioning it. Be as upfront, to the point, as possible. "Don't bring it up again. Period. This is not a topic for discussion."

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05-11-2014, 08:52 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
I completely agree with nurse. That is just rude of her to keep bringing it up. If she's a good friend, she'll respect your wishes.

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05-11-2014, 09:03 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
I would say it's not just rude of her to bring it up, it's highly manipulative. She's trying to guilt trip you every time you have a conflict, in a similar way as christinsanity tries to guilt trip humans for everything bad in this world. It's a control tactic, and quite a cowardly one at that.

Tell her straight in her face to stop it there and then. If she does it again, turn around and sever this relationship (I can't call it a friendship, sorry).
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05-11-2014, 09:10 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
Sounds like misplaced trust to me.

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05-11-2014, 09:17 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
I've had something like this happen. It took years to figure out that some people will never change. A good person wouldn't use something like that against you. I'd ditch 'em.

If we ever NEED to fight, it will be for the future; leave the past out of it.
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05-11-2014, 09:36 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
When an argument is initiated and the mind perceives the other person as a threat, we go into amygdala hijack mode and are from that point basically reptiles in human bodies. We have access to memories, but those memories a are viewed through the lenses of a person capable only of emotional response and concerned only with conquering the perceived threat, so to speak, by winning the argument.

The amount of control the logical, uniquely human portion of the brain is allowed to maintain varies from person to person, but generally speaking it is safe to assume that in the midst of an argument someone whose logic has literally been physically disabled and overridden will proceed to search their memory in an attempt to win by any means necessary. Who is actually right is irrelevant, as is playing fair.

I tend to maintain quite a bit of control, and about the best course of action I've found when dealing with angry people not prone to maintaining human control, so to speak, is to just walk away from them when they go into argue mode. You can't have a civil conversation with a reptile regardless of what you have or haven't shared with them.

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05-11-2014, 11:51 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
(05-11-2014 08:43 AM)Nurse Wrote:  That's a tough one. To be honest, I wouldn't kindly point out to stop mentioning it. Be as upfront, to the point, as possible. "Don't bring it up again. Period. This is not a topic for discussion."
Direct. One of my struggles. Big Grin But, yes you are 100% right. Thank you, Nurse.

(05-11-2014 08:52 AM)LadyWallFlower Wrote:  I completely agree with nurse. That is just rude of her to keep bringing it up. If she's a good friend, she'll respect your wishes.
a 'he' in this case, but yes.

(05-11-2014 09:03 AM)DunkleSeele Wrote:  I would say it's not just rude of her to bring it up, it's highly manipulative. She's trying to guilt trip you every time you have a conflict, in a similar way as christinsanity tries to guilt trip humans for everything bad in this world. It's a control tactic, and quite a cowardly one at that.

Tell her straight in her face to stop it there and then. If she does it again, turn around and sever this relationship (I can't call it a friendship, sorry).
This is interesting that you say this, Dunkle. I somewhat thought this, that it's a tactic to avoid taking any responsibility for the person's culpability in the disagreement. Yea, I happen to agree with ya. Sad

(05-11-2014 09:10 AM)Dom Wrote:  Sounds like misplaced trust to me.
You mean on my part, right?

(05-11-2014 09:17 AM)WeAreTheCosmos Wrote:  I've had something like this happen. It took years to figure out that some people will never change. A good person wouldn't use something like that against you. I'd ditch 'em.

If we ever NEED to fight, it will be for the future; leave the past out of it.
That's excellent. You know, I'd never do that to someone...bring up a painful past during a current argument. I'm not perfect by any stretch, but I try to look out for my friends, not hurt 'em.

(05-11-2014 09:36 AM)yakherder Wrote:  When an argument is initiated and the mind perceives the other person as a threat, we go into amygdala hijack mode and are from that point basically reptiles in human bodies. We have access to memories, but those memories a are viewed through the lenses of a person capable only of emotional response and concerned only with conquering the perceived threat, so to speak, by winning the argument.

The amount of control the logical, uniquely human portion of the brain is allowed to maintain varies from person to person, but generally speaking it is safe to assume that in the midst of an argument someone whose logic has literally been physically disabled and overridden will proceed to search their memory in an attempt to win by any means necessary. Who is actually right is irrelevant, as is playing fair.

I tend to maintain quite a bit of control, and about the best course of action I've found when dealing with angry people not prone to maintaining human control, so to speak, is to just walk away from them when they go into argue mode. You can't have a civil conversation with a reptile regardless of what you have or haven't shared with them.
I really like your posts-they're so unique. I never know what you might say...and this post hits home. And I lol @ 'conversation with a reptile.' Hmmm! Laugh out load

Thank you everyone. Just sometimes, I need to see if what I'm feeling is valid.

Be true to yourself. Heart
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05-11-2014, 11:54 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
It occasionally happens with a person - I won't any longer say friend - whom I shared the fact that I'd attempted suicide.

I ask how it is relevant and if there is no good answer then I end the conversation if they cannot give good reason.


"Name me a moral statement made or moral action performed that could not have been made or done, by a non-believer..." - Christopher Hitchens



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05-11-2014, 11:58 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
(05-11-2014 11:54 AM)CiderThinker Wrote:  It occasionally happens with a person - I won't any longer say friend - whom I shared the fact that I'd attempted suicide.

I ask how it is relevant and if there is no good answer then I end the conversation if they cannot give good reason.

Ugh, you're kidding me?! Sad I'm sorry.
Friends should take care of friends. Hug The occasional slight, ok. But, I think that if it's repetitive, it's deliberate. For whatever their reasons.

Be true to yourself. Heart
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