Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
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05-11-2014, 01:55 PM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
Yes. It happened to me recently on this very forum, in fact. How did I deal with it? I sent the person a PM, received an apology in return and then it was water under the bridge.

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05-11-2014, 02:29 PM (This post was last modified: 05-11-2014 02:45 PM by pablo.)
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
I try not to confide in people who I often hear taking shots at others when they're not present.
It makes me wonder what they're saying about me when I'm not around.
If your "friend" says this to your face, what might they have told others about you already?
I'd ditch 'em.
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05-11-2014, 03:47 PM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
(05-11-2014 01:55 PM)Vosur Wrote:  Yes. It happened to me recently on this very forum, in fact. How did I deal with it? I sent the person a PM, received an apology in return and then it was water under the bridge.
Apologies go a long way, but none have come forth in my situation. I'm happy in your case, the person saw the error of their ways.

(05-11-2014 02:29 PM)pablo Wrote:  I try not to confide in people who I often hear taking shots at others when they're not present.
It makes me wonder what they're saying about me when I'm not around.
If your "friend" says this to your face, what might they have told others about you already?
I'd ditch 'em.

Yes, totally agree. In this case, not thinking he shared this with others...it's just that he has taken the info I've shared, and brings it up when we have a disagreement. But, your point is well taken...I've witnessed that. You might hear gossip, and you wonder what that person says when your back is turned. Hmmm.

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05-11-2014, 06:01 PM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
There are people who seem to be wired to pick up on your greatest weakness (vulnerability is probably a better word) and they store that and use it against you. They pull this out to knock you off guard. Those things make you less rational and more emotional thereby often giving them the upper hand at least for a moment. Since this person keeps doing it I would say you ask/tell them to stop. If they don't then it's obvious they don't really care and not having them in your life any more would be a good thing.

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06-11-2014, 01:24 PM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
(05-11-2014 02:29 PM)pablo Wrote:  I try not to confide in people who I often hear taking shots at others when they're not present.
It makes me wonder what they're saying about me when I'm not around.
If your "friend" says this to your face, what might they have told others about you already?
I'd ditch 'em.

^^^^^ this.

Even if you think of someone as your "best" friend but you find them talking about other people, don't trust them!! They'll talk about you with others, I guarantee you that.

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06-11-2014, 01:40 PM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
I haven't had your exact scenario happen. But I have had friends or even my gf bring up my past which I've told them about at times that I wouldn't even think of. For example, if I'm talking about some random problem I had interacting with somebody I might hear, "Well, your childhood was kind of....blah blah blah." To which I reply either, "Hmm, well you may be right, I guess." Or (more often), "Nah, I don't really think that's it, blah blah blah."

For me, it's a matter of "owning my past". I'm not afraid to share, or ashamed of my family/childhood history. The reasons I don't do it very often are:
1. It's usually off-topic, and I'm (usually) not looking for pity or special understanding.
2. Most people don't know how to deal with this information, so it's mostly for their sake to avoid them from feeling awkward.

The way I look at things are...everybody is crazy, and most everybody has some degree of a dark past. So it really is just a matter of how much of their crazy (or their secrets) they want to show you.

Long story short: I would confidently disagree with their assertion, or tell them they are being a dick by repeatedly bringing this up.

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06-11-2014, 03:49 PM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
Thinkin' we're all more or less saying similar things but I'll put my two cents in the piggie bank. We're'd my piggie bank go off to...it was so green and tiny and cute I suddenly remember it and miss it...anyways.

For me, I don't share much with people in general. I find for most friends, they like my company and that I listen well to their problems so when I tell them something going on with me, they just kind of nod and eventually move on with their thing. Sometimes they listen, like really listen, but usually they don't. So I can understand how important and nerve-wrecking it is that this is happening to you.

I can understand why you'd tell your friend about your past. Often, it does feel good to talk about important life things with someone you think can hold that knowledge in confidence and understanding. But your buddy sure ain't really doing either. When he (he, right?) whips out your past like that, I'd tell him, "hey, please don't bring that up. I told you that thinking you'd understand and you're betraying my confidence in you by abusing what I told you." Not exactly that, of course, but something like that. If he really cares about you, he'll respect that. Should he keep on dropping your past, especially when it doesn't seem relevant, I would highly consider breaking off ties.If he really cared, he'd respect you more than to keep doing that after you ask him to stop.If anything else, I wouldn't tell him anything else too personal. Not at least until he can show where you're coming from with this and stop abusing what you so thoughtfully shared.

At the very least, I thinks you needs a hug Hug

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07-11-2014, 10:07 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
(06-11-2014 01:40 PM)Adrianime Wrote:  I haven't had your exact scenario happen. But I have had friends or even my gf bring up my past which I've told them about at times that I wouldn't even think of. For example, if I'm talking about some random problem I had interacting with somebody I might hear, "Well, your childhood was kind of....blah blah blah." To which I reply either, "Hmm, well you may be right, I guess." Or (more often), "Nah, I don't really think that's it, blah blah blah."

For me, it's a matter of "owning my past". I'm not afraid to share, or ashamed of my family/childhood history. The reasons I don't do it very often are:
1. It's usually off-topic, and I'm (usually) not looking for pity or special understanding.
2. Most people don't know how to deal with this information, so it's mostly for their sake to avoid them from feeling awkward.

The way I look at things are...everybody is crazy, and most everybody has some degree of a dark past. So it really is just a matter of how much of their crazy (or their secrets) they want to show you.

Long story short: I would confidently disagree with their assertion, or tell them they are being a dick by repeatedly bringing this up.

Excellent insight and advice...much appreciated Heart

Be true to yourself. Heart
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07-11-2014, 11:57 AM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
If it was me, next time they brought it up I would ask why, what is the relevance to that moment of "conflict" and are they aware of how much it hurts you?

I think its easy to jump to the conclusion that the person is doing it deliberately to manipulate you, to "win" or gain the upper hand, only you know the details so only you can answer that Deirdre. However they may not be aware of what they are doing.

So.... tell them that you no longer wish for it to be raised and that your friendship is hinged on this agreement, if they value your friendship they will value your wishes and if not then.... you would be better of without them, especially if you are dating that person.

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07-11-2014, 06:12 PM
RE: Betraying confidences, what might you do here?
When a confidence was thrown in my face for about the 3rd time, I started laughing and said how gullible he was, for believing my story.
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