Bitching and whining
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09-07-2015, 10:45 PM
Bitching and whining
Hi all! Here's me bitching and whining about shit. I can't do it IRL.

I tried to draw after taking a several year hiatus; not only does it suck, but I have to take off my glasses to see up close. Rolleyes

These fucking songs that were played at funerals always bring memories rushing back. I've had four good friends die; three were suicides.

There's several folks in each camp who fully or partially place blame with me. I'd like to think I've come to terms with this; I am not responsible for the actions of others. But it still bothers me.

Went to a doctor last month; I had pains down my left side for several days. I also had difficulty breathing. It felt like a lung infection and pinched nerve in my my hip, and I told the doc so. She ordered an EKG, seeing as I have heart damage from a prior heart attack. She checked the lungs.

She came to discuss. First, she implied the pain was fake and I was pill-hopping, even though I told her I didn't want pain medication. I've not had any for years, on purpose. Last time I accidentally ingested opoid meds I hard time remembering to breathe. She also said there was nothing wrong with my lungs.

Second: I jokingly asked if I was dying, and she said that we are all dying. Yeah, I know that. Then she said: "You might walk out and die. You might die next week, next month, next year. I expect to live longer than you." This woman is thirty years my senior.

Any referral to a specialist? Advice? No. Apparently my life is worth less because I used to be a junkie. I got a call an hour later; I did have a lung infection. She called in antibiotics. I went to pick them up, and it's one of the few that are dangerous to people with preexisting heart conditions. Really?

The only person I can discuss religion and supernatural woo with is the guy who works at a gas station near my house. He instigates the conversations, but doesn't persue a friendship- probably out of respect for the fact that I'm in a relationship. I know there's got to be other like-minded folks around, but I guess they're in hiding.

In that vein, I've been in this relationship five years. I have no trust as I have caught him in numerous emotionally charged relationships with others while neglecting ours. I've caught him outright lying and sneaking, but NOW (after I worked on "us" for years) he is contrite and trying to make it work. I'm sorry, but I can't pull trust out of my ass.

We can't really have an intelligent conversation. He's got the potential, but no motivation. It's better than any I've had before. I've been with dumbasses who were decent human beings or intellectual folk who were obsessed with woo or narcissistic.

I feel stuck and I did it to myself. I can't blame anyone for my shit life, except myself.



TL;DR version: I'm a whiny bitch tonight.
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09-07-2015, 10:53 PM
RE: Bitching and whining
No it's okay to complain. You are having a very hard time.

Very sad to see you treated so poorly by a medical professional. That is quite simply wrong. Are you able to see another?

The person you are involved with, well it is your life and you must make our own decisions, but it seems to me this person is wasting your time. And time is short.

Of course I have not met either of you. So any advice I give must be treated as such.

Wishing you well and happiness. Hug

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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09-07-2015, 11:05 PM
RE: Bitching and whining
I second Banjo's comments (like a second, but not very useful, opinion. Sorry).

But one thought occurs ... this " guy who works at a gas station" ... is he attractive?

Just looking at options.

Wink

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09-07-2015, 11:06 PM
RE: Bitching and whining
You are going through a lot. You have every right to bitch and complain. I'm ready to jump out of a long-term rship for similar reasons as yours. Still working on it, though, although I don't know why sometimes. i hope you are feeling better from your lung infection. If you don't like the way your life is now--make some changes. I need to take my own advice now too. I'm seriously ready to move to Alaska and live in a cabin somewhere in the middle of nowhere lol. If you lived in CA, I would make you some good vegan comfort food. You are a survivor and a good person, no matter what's going on right now, don't forget that Hug
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09-07-2015, 11:16 PM
RE: Bitching and whining
(09-07-2015 11:05 PM)DLJ Wrote:  But one thought occurs ... this " guy who works at a gas station" ... is he attractive?

Just looking at options.

Wink


Now there's a thought.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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09-07-2015, 11:51 PM
RE: Bitching and whining
Hug

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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09-07-2015, 11:54 PM
RE: Bitching and whining
You should talk to that doctor's supervisor, or change PCPs. One of the prime duties of a doctor is not physiological at all, but psychological: to ease your concerns by conveying that someone is caring for you. Your doctor is clearly failing at that.

As for relationships, I recently dropped the blade on a two-year relationship, because she was not treating me the way I wanted. I won't say it's all her fault, because every breakup has enough blame to go around, but I cotton to what my son's mother once said -- "You get what you settle for". Hard words, I know, but they're true. You have to decide for yourself what you find acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship, and if he cannot work with you seeking compromise and balance, then he isn't the man for you.
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09-07-2015, 11:54 PM
Re: RE: Bitching and whining
(09-07-2015 11:05 PM)DLJ Wrote:  But one thought occurs ... this " guy who works at a gas station" ... is he attractive?
Haha! Not in traditional sense, but I'd jump his bones if I wasn't "committed."

Change is the problem. I haven't much education. I dropped out of high school, then got a full scholarship for high test scores. I dropped out before the year was up. 1. My mother had major surgery and wouldn't take care of herself. Either my brother or I needed to take care of her. 2. I had untreated mental problems was just itching to get out of college.

So a job supporting myself and two kids will be difficult to obtain. It doesn't help that most of my jobs have been under-the-table shit work. I have no experience to show. The legit jobs I did have are punctuated by a several year blank streak, when I lived on the streets. That looks bad on applications as well.

If I didn't have children I would pack a bag and take off. No, I have to take care of my cats.

Like I said, I'm unhappy in my relationship... but it's one of the best I've had. Now that I think about it, it's really sad. I've settled my whole life looking for acceptance.

It's difficult for me to connect with folks. The medicines I've been prescribed in the past make me an unfeeling zombie. I've learned to tell the difference between reality and dream, but still have a hard time relating to other people. I always have. When I find a person who'll put up with me, I try to hold on to then-even when they're assholes.

More unconnected rambling ... sorry, posting anyway. Angel
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10-07-2015, 12:11 AM
RE: Bitching and whining
You might be able to qualify for school loans if you want to go back to school. If not, what is it you would like to do in terms of a career choice? One idea would be volunteering in an area you are interested in. You still gain experience and you may even find a job opportunity that way. I worked in human resources while I was getting my BA, I can take a look at your job experience and help you with a resume and responses for interviews if you'd like.
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10-07-2015, 12:25 AM
Re: Bitching and whining
Hmm.. I should volunteer more. I do, occasionally, at the local high-kill animal shelter that I disagree with.
Before drugs, my goal was to be a marine biologist or entomologist.

I've done yardwork, landscaping, painting, housekeeping, stable hand, horse training, etc. I take care of basic animal injuries for pet owners too poor for a vet. I'm learning caretaking while dealing with my mother. I'm currently homeschooling my kids, while cleaning homes and saving to move elsewhere.

Legit jobs include dish machine operator and hotel maid. Dodgy

Volunteering is an option. I've probably just been too self absorbed to consider it seriously.
Thanks for the advice
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