Breaking silence
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06-07-2013, 05:47 PM
Breaking silence
Recently a thread was started that just turned my life upside down. It's made me relive and open old wounds that I thought were closed long ago.

I know I have PTSD. I'm going back into therapy, but I can't get in for a while Sad

But...my problem is not that I was sexually abused as a child -- but that I thought I was beyond having issues over it. I thought I had spent or wasted enough years dealing with the crap my father did to have it not effect me or to be objective.

It's like stepping on a land mine...I didn't see it under my feet, just heard barely a click and everything exploded.

I'm angry. I'm hurt and I'm disillusioned.

I snap at my kids. I recoil from my husband. I can't sleep because I'm afraid.

I don't know why im afraid, my abuser has been dead since 1980.

I feel fragile and broken and I hate feeling this way.

Why has it taken me so long to post this? Because I don't want my pain to become a reason for those two, to demonstrate false sympathy to make themselves feel better and show what great guys they are. I need to self protect.

I know some will say I don't have that right to say it -- that this is a public forum and all that I don't care, if either of them post here I will become completely unhinged.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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06-07-2013, 05:59 PM
RE: Breaking silence
I wasn't sexually abused but was brutally beaten into my 20s by my father. There was a tone to his voice that let me know when I was in deep shit. Partly because of only being touched during beatings (mom and dad), I cannot stand to be touched...by anyone! I seldom cry...I was beaten mercilessly if I cried so I learned how not to. My inner voice tells me even today not to cry if I feel tears welling up.

Dad and I made a certain peace in the last few years of his life. As he lay dying I was the one that had to take on the responsibilities for the most part. He was bedridden and in a home and I was feeding him. Apparently I was trying to feed him too fast and he snapped at me, in that tone. Instinctively, I backed away.

He couldn't have hurt me no matter how much he tried...it didn't matter, after decades it all came back. My mind still reacted as it was trained to do.

I can't relate to the sexual abuse part but the emotional, verbal, and physical left damage that will never be undone...

I am so sorry this all came to the surface here Moms and also sorry that you went through what you did.

Guess we get to try to heal all over again from what we endured as children at the hands of adults.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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06-07-2013, 06:04 PM
RE: Breaking silence
Heart to both of you.

I wish I had magic words to make it go away, all I got are cyber hugs and an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.

Hug


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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06-07-2013, 06:25 PM
RE: Breaking silence
I wish i had a internet shoulder to cry on...
Anyway,i hope you feel better soon..

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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06-07-2013, 06:34 PM
RE: Breaking silence
Guys, I was sexually abused for four long years, formative years, age 4 to 8.

I had been at peace with it. Mine died in the 90s. He's gone.

Last night I had the old nightmares. I relived the whole goddamn thing.

At first I avoided entering that thread, until Ato accused me of talking behind their back or something and challenged me to do something. By then I saw people acting irrationally in there, Deep was obviously greatly impacted, and when he got shat upon for losing his cool, I knew I had to partake in that thread at all costs.

I was unable to defend myself at age 4. But I'll be damned if I don't speak out against it now.

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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06-07-2013, 06:58 PM
RE: Breaking silence
(06-07-2013 06:34 PM)Dom Wrote:  Guys, I was sexually abused for four long years, formative years, age 4 to 8.

I had been at peace with it. Mine died in the 90s. He's gone.

Last night I had the old nightmares. I relived the whole goddamn thing.

At first I avoided entering that thread, until Ato accused me of talking behind their back or something and challenged me to do something. By then I saw people acting irrationally in there, Deep was obviously greatly impacted, and when he got shat upon for losing his cool, I knew I had to partake in that thread at all costs.

I was unable to defend myself at age 4. But I'll be damned if I don't speak out against it now.

Hug

When I first entered therapy...it was after the kids were born. The therapist said I was sufferering from PTSD. I argued with her. That was for the Vietnam vet, or the person who had been through something horrible like the halocaust....not for someone like me.

In dismissing it, I also minimalized what happened. The panic that would just pop up at what I thought were random times.

It's awful.

For people that have never gone through it or are in denial it exists (like I was) they can't understsnd how pervasive it is.

And I also know -- if I'm really honest -- it's completely tied to my atheism.

I'm sorry you went through that -- im sorry for Deep too....I don't remember ever having dreams about it...ever...but past couple nights I have. It does make me completely irrational and I'm not afraid to admit that.

I'm glad you commented. It means a lot to me.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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06-07-2013, 07:02 PM
RE: Breaking silence
Angie, Bows and Arrows and lightvader,

Thank you all so much...

For me still things people say affect me...and it's like I feel like I'm being "put in my place" or something...can't explain it.

Heart


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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06-07-2013, 07:04 PM
RE: Breaking silence
(06-07-2013 05:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Recently a thread was started that just turned my life upside down. It's made me relive and open old wounds that I thought were closed long ago.

I know I have PTSD. I'm going back into therapy, but I can't get in for a while Sad

But...my problem is not that I was sexually abused as a child -- but that I thought I was beyond having issues over it. I thought I had spent or wasted enough years dealing with the crap my father did to have it not effect me or to be objective.

It's like stepping on a land mine...I didn't see it under my feet, just heard barely a click and everything exploded.

I'm angry. I'm hurt and I'm disillusioned.

I snap at my kids. I recoil from my husband. I can't sleep because I'm afraid.

I don't know why im afraid, my abuser has been dead since 1980.

I feel fragile and broken and I hate feeling this way.

Why has it taken me so long to post this? Because I don't want my pain to become a reason for those two, to demonstrate false sympathy to make themselves feel better and show what great guys they are. I need to self protect.

I know some will say I don't have that right to say it -- that this is a public forum and all that I don't care, if either of them post here I will become completely unhinged.

It really is like stepping on a land mine, what a fitting analogy.

I stepped on mine twice - once when I heard that he had died, and then here.

The difference is that this time I am angry. I am angry at the pedos refusing to leave people alone. I am angry at the inertia of admin here, that they would let people step on that land mine. And I am angry at "HIM". All this time I was glad that I never had to lay eyes on him again. But now I almost wish I could go see him. He was a great big huge man, over 6 feet and massive. I was such a little thing then. That is not the case anymore, I don't have to be physically afraid anymore. I just wish I could give him a piece of my mind now. The freaking dirt bag.

Mom, breaking the silence is good. It would be real good if you could get angry. It helps.

[Image: dobie.png]

Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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06-07-2013, 07:04 PM
Lightbulb RE: Breaking silence
12 STEPS PROGRAMS ARE GOOD IMO TO BRING UP THE SPECIFICS OF TRAUMATIC ISSUES. NOT SURE IF ANY IN THAT AREA. WORTH CHECKING OUT.
TRUST YOU CAN ADEQUATELY RESOLVE TO SOME DEGREE AND MOVE ON.Thumbsup
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06-07-2013, 07:08 PM
RE: Breaking silence
hugs to you too Dom. <3


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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