But I grew up (me de-conversion)
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13-06-2016, 02:15 PM
Smile But I grew up (me de-conversion)
Wall of text coming:

I can't remember right now what triggered this but for the past week or so, I had to think about how far I have come mentally when it comes to belief systems.

When I was six years old my mom decided that she is now a Christian and so at that point I had to be one, too. Just I never bought into it too much. Yes, I did belief that there is maybe a God and I did feel like I am being watched all the time. So God or no God they had put a deep fear of being watched in me.
When I was 9 or 10 or so, I felt like there is no God. At the time I lived with my father and asked him why he is never going to church. He told me that he isn't going because he doesn't belief there is a God. And although he did nothing else that was good, this gave me the feeling that I am allowed to question the existence of God and to form my own opinion on this matter.
The idea of a devil / satan had been put in my mind deeply though. Satan as a being but never defined what kind of being so in my mind, everybody could have been satan. But it had to be a bad person because Satan is bad, amiright?

Well at 12 years old I decided to leave church for good and I turned to witchcraft which had been interesting to me before and now I dove right into it. I learnt a lot of witch things and I stayed a witch until I was about 24 or so and started questioning this too. I mean things had been a bit illogical and didn't quite add up but I reasoned them away just fine. You know how it is.
Anyway during this witchy time, the concept of Satan stayed in my mind while Gods were just an idea. Satan was a real thing for me still. But the idea of Satan and Satanism was not as negative as media portrait it.
During my teenage years I was convinced that I am reincarnated Satan (I used to believe in reincarnation). Satan wasn't bad anymore in my mind. Thinking back now, it was my inner me trying to rebell in an environment where I was unable to form an actual personality - I wasn't an empty shell, I just wouldn't be allowed to become me because "me" was not accepted. All the things I wanted to be and all the things I felt were this Satan that I thought I was.

But I grew up.
I grew up age wise and mentally.
Once I had moved out, it became easier to form opinions and to question things.
Once I had moved out, I got internet and so the world was open to me and all the questions I had, I found the answers.
I allowed myself many things that I would have never done freely in my mom's house.
From inviting friends or "private moments", to things as simple as looking up terminology on the internet, or having the TV running as I fell asleep.
I felt free and finally I had time to become me.

So I grew up.
I started to question my witchcraft more and more. I even had a student and I did encourage him a lot to ask everything. Well he did. And the more I answered and the more I looked for answers to his questions, the more I felt how silly my answers sounded. And the harder I tried to prove my scientific findings wrong, the harder it was to belief because now my mind was hooked on evidence and science. The analytical me started screaming at me on so many levels that bit by bit I had to let go of witchcraft.
Starting with simple things like, no those stones are doing nothing for my health, to no, this candle and my enchantments don't help anybody, and no, no one mind-attacked me. Get this, I thought I had killed my mother's boyfriend with a mind-attack. I lived with the guilt of thinking I am a murderer up until I finally understood that these mind-attacks just don't do a thing apart from exhaust you.

So one by one, all the things in my belief system started to crumble apart and I was left with two big things that sometimes still haunt me. The idea of reincarnation and the idea of ghosts. I think it is a bit comparable with the fear of hell. These two things were planted so deeply that sometimes they still come back.

But I did grow up you know.
There are no support groups or forums for ex witches (to my knowledge, please proof me wrong if you can). Most atheist places focus on Christianity and Islam and maaaybe Judaism. So I feel even prouder that I made it out sane.
Sure, I didn't have a family to drop me for this decision. And I guess the friends I lost over this weren't worth it to begin with. Who knows.

Fact is though, that now that I am not afraid of being haunted, possessed, or having to relive this life again and again, makes me feel very reliefed.
The fact that I do not have to do rituals, shield my mind, light candles, mix incense, and place crystals in the right spots feels free.
The feeling of not being watched, and that nothing is lurking in the shadows, feels even more free.
The feeling that I am fine to question everything and to change my opinion is great.
The idea that I am the master of my life (for the most part) and not fate feels wonderful.
Knowing that this one life matters so much because I only have one, gives so much more reason and meaning to my life.
>> Also sleeping through full moon nights is great!!

I grew up and finally I am me and feeling good (for the most part).

Ha, I am having a great day Big Grin

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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13-06-2016, 03:49 PM
RE: But I grew up (me de-conversion)
Witchcraft is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.
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13-06-2016, 03:55 PM
RE: But I grew up (me de-conversion)
(13-06-2016 03:49 PM)carusmm Wrote:  Witchcraft is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.

Islam is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.
Scientology is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.
Suicide is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.
***

At least pay attention to the shit you spew. Dodgy

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13-06-2016, 04:02 PM
RE: But I grew up (me de-conversion)
(13-06-2016 03:55 PM)kim Wrote:  
(13-06-2016 03:49 PM)carusmm Wrote:  Witchcraft is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.

Islam is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.
Scientology is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.
Suicide is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.
***

At least pay attention to the shit you spew. Dodgy

While some people are just ignorant about the topic (and then I'd be happy to explain), this guy seems to be a troll, according to his -17 reputation and the comments in those. Therefore, *mental ignore* Smile
You are right with your answer though.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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13-06-2016, 05:21 PM
RE: But I grew up (me de-conversion)
(13-06-2016 03:49 PM)carusmm Wrote:  Witchcraft is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.

Presumably not nearly as damaging to one as Christianity is?
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14-06-2016, 06:00 AM
RE: But I grew up (me de-conversion)
(13-06-2016 05:21 PM)Born Again Pagan Wrote:  Presumably not nearly as damaging to one as Christianity is?

I can address this on several levels:

I think the only reason why it is not quite as damaging as Christianity is, because the overwhelming majority of society around you is not involved in witchcraft and therefore it isn't "the thing to do / to be" by default. You are weird as per society if you are a witch and it makes you more normal if you are not anymore.

Respect towards nature, other animals, and other humans is very important. You can belief what you want. Of course you will be dropped by your friends once you loose your faith. But no one will voice any bad feelings towards you etc. They will simply be gone.

So on a social level it is more peaceful to leave the faith, I think.
I mean, my family didn't drop me or voice bad feelings towards me. And the friends that weren't witches stayed. Society had no reason to frown upon my beliefs any more either.

On an emotional level it is probably the same as with every other religion though.
Witchcraft has good and bad sides and they are deeply ingrained in you. So you will deeply miss all the "good things" and you feel deeply haunted by the "bad things".

One of the good things I miss for example is meditation. Meditation was a big thing of faith as well as otherwise for me. And although I think that the "non-witchy" ways of meditating can be very beneficial to some people, I myself cannot do it anymore. For me it feels to much like faith. Like, I don't think any ex-christian will start reciting a nice calm poem with their hands folded like in prayer, it doesn't feel right.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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16-06-2016, 07:22 AM
RE: But I grew up (me de-conversion)
"Get this, I thought I had killed my mother's boyfriend with a mind-attack." I'm glad you now see that is ridiculous.

"I had to think about how far I have come mentally when it comes to belief systems." What is a 'belief system'?

There is rational belief (or faith) and there is belief or faith in the supernatural (including religious beliefs). Beliefs (or what one believes to be true) should be open to challenge and believing is usually a matter of degree. Religionists tend to hold absolute (sacred) beliefs that are often not as open to question as all other beliefs. They call this their 'belief system' and it causes many senseless problems for them.

And 'de-convert' is unnecessary or unhelpful too. If one stops being superstitious there's no need to call it de-conversion, atheism or any other theological term.
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16-06-2016, 01:23 PM
RE: But I grew up (me de-conversion)
Zeff:
Just relax. Don't get caught up in the fact that you disagree with some words. I am sure that everybody who read my OP understood perfectly fine what I said, and I am sure you did too. I am not going to discuss terminology in this thread. No bad feelings.
*offers apple cider*
cheers

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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17-06-2016, 02:35 PM
RE: But I grew up (me de-conversion)
(13-06-2016 05:21 PM)Born Again Pagan Wrote:  
(13-06-2016 03:49 PM)carusmm Wrote:  Witchcraft is like astrology, a harmless bit of fun for some.

Presumably not nearly as damaging to one as Christianity is?

Sorry, I didn't quite follow this. How is Christianity damaging to a person?
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17-06-2016, 03:14 PM
RE: But I grew up (me de-conversion)
(17-06-2016 02:35 PM)QED Wrote:  
(13-06-2016 05:21 PM)Born Again Pagan Wrote:  Presumably not nearly as damaging to one as Christianity is?

Sorry, I didn't quite follow this. How is Christianity damaging to a person?

Believing in mythologies to the point where they rule your life, can never be good for you.

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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