Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
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28-04-2014, 08:30 PM
Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
...a family man?

Fuck, I'm not even sure where to start or if I even want to really get into this. I feel compelled to talk about this, but I don't really have anyone at the moment, so you all are stuck with me. Just go with it.

I've been having more suicidal thoughts lately, more than usual. Way more. Like at any point in the day I'm finding interesting ways to kill myself. It sounds weird, but it's become a game to me now. I just...don't care. I don't care if I live, or if I die. I don't fear death nor do I care about life. The only thing stopping me is just that...I don't care. Life is so low right now, I might as well play this stupid game and see where it goes, right?

I've been like this for... don't even know. I want to say most if not all my life. I remember as a kid holding a knife to my throat wondering what it would feel like to bleed out. I was probably eight, maybe younger. My thinking of suicide as a game started in high school. I wanted to find the funniest way to kill myself, not for attention, but just to get a good laugh for myself and to picture the poor guy's face as he stumbles upon my body.

Fuck, I sound emo. I'm not emo, I don't cut, I don't do drugs, I get (or got) good grades, I have a job and am about to start college. I have my few close friends and my many acquaintances, I have (for the most part) a good family; I'm just the average kid on the block.

I'm just rambling now... I don't know. I suppose I should explain the purpose of this title/question. Well, that's because that is the only thing I actually look forward to in this life. Literally, that's it. Don't give a shit about anything else. I mean sure, concerts are fun, hanging out with friends is nice, but it doesn't make me happy...or at least the happiness doesn't last.

The only times I've been truly happy was when I was with a girl I loved. I know, I know, "you're [insert teenage year here] and you don't know what love is" or "you just 'loved the sex'" or "there's plenty more fish in the see, you got your whole life ahead of you", blah blah blah. Everyone repeat after me, "Ryan gives not a fuck". Get it? Got it? Good. Yes, even in depression I'm a sarcastic ass. I know it, now you do.

Well, back on topic, ever since I was...say...about 15 or so, I've wanted a family. I just want a group of people who care and that I can care for. That's it...not so much to ask right? Well apparently so.


TL;DR: Ryan's a dark, sarcastic asshole suffering from chronic depression and feels like he is mentally stable enough to have a family at 19.

PS: While typing this, I've just been informed that the only person I've been opening up about this to, can no longer have any contact with me because I'm an atheist. Sigh...so much for better. I'm assuming you guys won't be seeing much of Im_Alexis anymore. Gotta love the timing of Moms, right? This shit is so depressing it's fucking comical. Where the fuck did I put the vodka....

Atir aissom atir imon
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28-04-2014, 08:36 PM
RE: Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
Ryan....

Do you think this may be better if were in the personal issues and support section so the vultures don't descend?

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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28-04-2014, 08:38 PM
RE: Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
(28-04-2014 08:36 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Ryan....

Do you think this may be better if were in the personal issues and support section so the vultures don't descend?

I was gonna mention the S-E-X word. But whatever. You guys can move it.

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28-04-2014, 08:39 PM
RE: Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
Anyway...

If you have spent any time in PI&S, you know that several of us have dealt with depression issues at some level...even suicidal tendencies.

You are at a time in your life when everything is changing. That can be unsettling even if you really aren't aware of it.

Have you seen a doctor? Are you on any meds for depression? It may be a great place to start.

You seem around here to be a smart and really funny guy...get some help and come here to vent.

And if you want a family...one day, have one. There is no better reason than really wanting a family and not just doing it because it's the next step.

Angie

Hugs and much love.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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28-04-2014, 08:40 PM
RE: Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
It can still go in PI&S and you can speak freely.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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28-04-2014, 08:42 PM
RE: Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
No vultures in this section it's the 18+ section.

Ryan, have you been to see a therapist to get some anti depressants? If not, it might be time Hug not caring whether you love or die is usually the time you gotta do that.

Having a family is a great goal, but that shit is HARD, it usually makes depression worse diving into something like that instead of better. You gotta be happy with you before you can add to it, you know?

Hug

You're a great guy, really Ryan.

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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28-04-2014, 08:44 PM
RE: Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
(28-04-2014 08:39 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Anyway...

If you have spent any time in PI&S, you know that several of us have dealt with depression issues at some level...even suicidal tendencies.

You are at a time in your life when everything is changing. That can be unsettling even if you really aren't aware of it.

Have you seen a doctor? Are you on any meds for depression? It may be a great place to start.

You seem around here to be a smart and really funny guy...get some help and come here to vent.

And if you want a family...one day, have one. There is no better reason than really wanting a family and not just doing it because it's the next step.

Angie

Hugs and much love.

Yeah, I've browsed through the support section many times. I believe I'm the first to actually try and make a joke of my suicide. It's also not about change. I hated school and am actually "happier" working. I don't really know how to explain this to be honest. I'm sure people think I'm just looking for attention or this is some sort of joke.

No meds.

It's not a step for me, it's my goal.

And thank you.

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28-04-2014, 08:45 PM
RE: Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
(28-04-2014 08:40 PM)Anjele Wrote:  It can still go in PI&S and you can speak freely.

I don't care, whatever you think is best.

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28-04-2014, 08:46 PM
RE: Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
Okay, let us know what we can do to help.

A

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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28-04-2014, 08:48 PM
RE: Can Anyone Here Picture Me As...
(28-04-2014 08:44 PM)Im_Ryan Wrote:  No meds.

It's not a step for me, it's my goal.

And thank you.

I can totally respect not wanting to go the meds route, I was the same way. Getting a healthy amount of sleep (not too much), a healthy diet, exercise, and talk therapy did a world of good for me. That and not withdrawing from friends and family like I craved to.

If those don't work it actually could be a chemical imbalance. Nothing wrong with resorting to meds if that is the case. Just gotta find what works best for you.

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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