Poll: Which one are you?
God rules! Jesus saves!
I dunno....
God might exist somewhere.
God has left the building.
God? Roflmao!
Zombie Jesus FTW!
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Celestus' Secularist Scale
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27-05-2011, 07:43 AM
Brick Celestus' Secularist Scale
Below are the levels of secularism, ordered in descending magnitude of actual disgust towards religion:

The jesus freak (aka trollolol, GTFO, & IP-ban)

This kind of “secularist” is by no means a secularist. He or she acts like she is an atheist or agnostic while at the same he or she attempts to create infallible arguments for the existence of god. He or she has a possible resentment towards sex (or has been denied to have any) and finds hedonistic pleasure in masturbating while reading the bible. He or she is by no means a vegetarian and applauds when the president speaks of a holy war. He or she thinks that “pacifism” is a synonym to “fascism”. He or she thinks that the earth is flat, however; his or her favorite dream is to travel around the earth in a space shuttle. He or she thinks that gravity is a small cake topping.

The confused one

This kind of secularist does not acknowledge that his or her views are characterized by secularism. He or she has been brainwashed to an extent so high by his or her familiar and clerical environment that can no longer grasp the existence of a reality without the existence of god. He or she rejects the bible, quran and futurama bible, does not acknowledge the existence of any prophets, does not believe in end times, the rapture, heaven or hell but he or she still does believe in god. He or she has the potential to wake up. All he or she needs to do is to take the red pill and throw the blue pill to the toilet. He or she is currently waiting to be contacted by either Leonardo di Caprio or Keanu Reeves.

The agnostic theist

This kind of secularist is by all means the most balanced. He or she refuses to deny or accept the existence of god in lack of evidence for or against this notion. He or she hopes that god is real, since that would make his or her existence more meaningful and would alleviate the terror deriving from the question of what happens after death. He or she however, is unable to understand how an omnipotent and benevolent god could allow famine, war, misery, suffering, smallpox and Oprah Winfrey to exist among us. He or she usually tries to engage in volunteerism in order to help his or her community but is turned down because he or she is apparently a communist, an infidel, a terrorist and/or a baby-eating demon.

The agnostic atheist

This kind of secularist shares the same philosophy of balance as his or her theistic counterpart illustrated above. The key differences are however, that this secularist chooses not to believe in god by default but rather he or she reserves the right to change his or her opinion upon illustration of supporting evidence. He or she holds a stoic ground against ignorance and chooses to deflect any fallible arguments with kindness and understanding in a dynamic relationship resembling the mentor-apprentice archetype. He or she is often blocked in FB and reported for bearing/being the spawn of Santa, Stan or Satan (depending on the level of illiteracy of the accuser).

The godless mofo (aka the atheist)

This kind of secularist is often believed to be the beginning of the end by the theists. He or she chooses not to affiliate himself or herself with any of the known religions and to evaluate any notions supporting the existence of god on a scale ranging from mildly humorous to atrociously repugnant. Not identifying himself or herself with any religions, he or she often appears invisible to the theists. He or she might enter a church when it is raining cats and dogs outside and fall asleep in the podium with saliva drooling of the edge of his or her mouth without the fear of losing prestige in the community. He or she is also often found to have diverse knowledge on more subjects than a theist has brain cells.

The evil blasphemer

This kind of secularist is by far the funniest of them all. He or she spends his or her free time designing sketches of muhammad engaging in beastiality with pigs while drinking champagne, promoting the latest movie of the revered zombie jesus and his army of mindless corpses, selling batteries and active plutonium to amish, using butterfly nets to catch escaping thetans from scientologists and dissolving stool softeners into the food supply of mormons after having stolen their extra sets of panties first. All theists scream that he or she will burn in hell, but surprisingly he or she only gets burned when he or she forgets to apply sunscreen.
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