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06-01-2015, 03:27 AM
Changes
Lately, my life has been swirling down the drain. Or so it feels, anyway. This feels strange, because my depression is coming as a side-effect of what are otherwise really positive developments in my life.

For one, I'm moving soon. I've moved before and it's not a huge deal, but for the first time I'm moving to the complete opposite side of the country. I'm in Virginia, currently, and some friends and I have put together a plan to move to Seattle, Washington in the coming months. The move was supposed to take place about six months from now, but one of my buddies - the brains behind the whole operation - has become more than restless and he wants to move as soon as possible. In his mind, this means his next paycheck (next week), but I'm doing my best to postpone the final day until I can tie up a few loose ends.

Unfortunately, the sudden change in timing has all but eliminated the rest of the group from attending the cross-country road trip. See, my friend is a bit of a sociopath and doesn't connect with people to the same extent that "normal" people do. Thus, he doesn't understand the concept of needing to say goodbye to friends and family and prospective romantic interests. He just wants to cash his check and be gone, but it's not that easy for me, and it's putting a shit-ton of pressure on me to pacify him while simultaneously trying to speed up my own emotional departure.

But, as I'm sure many can understand, that's hard to do. I've got friends I've known all my life. I've got my sister. I've got girlfriends and romantic interests to think about. I'm connected to these people, and I can't just decide to feel like it's an ok time to leave them all behind. I have to ease into it, and though my friend is willing to wait, he's now talking about just leaving and then buying me a plane ticket later on.

Of course, that in itself is a problem, because I want desperately to go on this road trip with him. It's not just gonna be a straight shot from here to Washington; we want to zig-zag across the country and see the sights. We want to have an experience. To really see and live life and have stories to tell our kids one day. I want to have that experience, but all he's thinking about is leaving NOW, and I'm just not ready to leave "NOW."

And now that I'm leaving, my sister has begun delving into her own steadily-brewing alcoholism and self-harm. I started to realize that she, too, is an alcoholic when she lived with me. My beer glasses would go missing and I realized that my drinks were starting to disappear more quickly than I was drinking them. Then I started finding the glasses in odd places. Soon after, I began stumbling upon half-drunken bottles of wine and whiskey stashed in dark corners of the pantry or in medicine cabinets when I'd go into her bathroom to borrow some meds. Now that we're no longer living together, she's become quite open about the fact that she drinks and she doesn't have any qualms about calling herself an alcoholic. With that openness came a slew of previously-kept secrets on her part. During many a drunken rant she's admitted to cutting herself on a regular basis and flirting with thoughts of suicide. Turns out she was exactly like me this entire time.

It's precisely because she's just like me that I know her feelings are not my fault - despite the fact that she says they are. She's been obviously more depressed since I told her I was leaving, but on New Year's eve, she confirmed it verbally. Everyone was talking and laughing at the party and she found a brief moment in which she and I could be alone. She stumbled over to the corner where I was standing, grabbed me by the scruff of my shirt, pulled her mouth close to my ear and said quietly "If you leave, I will be dead, and it will be because of you. Know that."

Again, I know it's not really because of me. I know that she's got much deeper emotional issues going on and that, if she didn't have those issues, I could leave without causing anything more than a bit of longing for her big brother. Her internal issues are blowing this out of proportion and she's not emotionally equipped to handle it. Still, she's my little sister. I care about her. And if she's as suicidal as I am, then I know that she's very serious about what she's feeling and her expressions of those emotions are the final please for help before she goes silent and eventually does it.

At the same time, though, I can't live my life based on her. She's my sister and I love her, but I just can't do it. I have to live for me. I want to start over in Washington, and I can't force myself to stay because she's too scared to step into the world outside of herself. The very fact that I'm still leaving makes me feel like absolute shit. And all the while, I'm trying to appease myself and tell myself it's ok because I've invited her to come with us on numerous occasions. That's my excuse. My pathetic, cowardly fucking excuse. "Well, if she ends up in the bathtub with slit wrists, I did ask her to come and she refused. I did my part, so I shouldn't feel bad."

Meanwhile, in romance town, I've been having an affair with a married woman (great way to start this portion of my rant, huh?) and I've found myself falling for her.

I don't know why I always get myself into these sorts of situations. Maybe I'm just a glutton for emotional punishment. But then, this one wasn't really my fault. It's not something that either of us planned. She's one of my fitness clients and it just sort of happened. Her husband abuses her and steals from her family to support his drug habit. He berates her and dismisses her emotionally and sexually. In my endless self-loathing, I don't consider myself a "decent man," but I sure as fuck go out of my way to treat women well; particularly when they're hurting and need someone to validate their worth as a human being. It's something I just can't help. I have a lot of rough edges, but when a woman is completely dehumanized by the one person who is supposed to love them more than anyone, it pains my heart and drives me to "fix" them. Or, at the very least, to be an escape so they don't have to deal with their shitty lives for a while.

And that's how it became with us. She started fitness training so that her husband might actually want to look at her again (not that she's not worth looking at; she's amazing), and I started teaching her to work out for herself. Not for anyone else. I reminded her that she's beautiful and wonderful entirely on her own and that her douchebag husband's opinion on the matter is of no actual value whatsoever. (I understand that's not *necessarily* the case in a healthy relationship, but theirs is not a healthy relationship) She then started spending time with me outside of our training sessions and I went along with it because 1) I'm a horny, testosterone-fueled male, 2) she's a genuinely awesome person and I'd want to chill with her anyway, and 3) I just want to see her happy. When she's with me, she doesn't cry. When I walk in the room, her smile explodes like a supernova and almost knocks me off my feet. When she's with me, she doesn't have to worry about being judged or about saying the wrong thing. When she's with me, all she has to do is be exactly who and what she is, and it fills what little heart I perceive myself to have with joy.

Of course, almost immediately, her possessive, jealous, overbearing piece-of-canine-feculence husband caught on to the fact that there was something unusual between us, and he's been on our trail ever since. Sure, it started out unjustly. Even if his suspicions ultimately turned out to be totally correct, he started out with zero justification, so all of the shit he threw at her was uncalled for. He treated her like shit, and in doing so, only drove her further into my arms. This development also drove him further into his secret drug habit, which ultimately lead to more problems between them and, eventually, to him stealing over $13,000 from her parents to support his addiction. (Now, he's promised to literally kill me the next time he sees me)

It wasn't enough that he threw a shit-fit at a party when he found the two of us re-entering the party (after a lengthy absence) with leaves in her hair and grass stains on the backs of our clothing. It wasn't enough that, in direct response to this, he threatened to fight me before taking their two-year-old son out of his bed and driving him - drunk and high - to their house across town. (The party was at her sister's house) It wasn't enough that he told her that he owns the house, the cars, the appliances and thus, her. It wasn't enough that he threatened to kick her out while knowing that he's the one who really pays the bills. It wasn't enough that he's treated her like a possession - an accessory - for the past 10 years of their relationship. The final straw was that he stole from her parents. That's when she told him straight-up that she wants an annulment and then a divorce. She also told him that she'd still live at home (for the time-being) for the sake of their child, but that if he even thought about touching her, she'd move in with her parents.

That was about two months ago. To this day, she's yet to set an appointment with the divorce lawyer. One night recently, I took her to a place far out of town and in the middle of nowhere so that we could talk in complete solitude. I reminded her that I was emotionally invested in her and that all of our activities and all of her threats to her husband were completely unfair to me if she never actually did anything about it. I reminded her how her husband treats her and told her that it's not fair to their child, either, to have to be exposed to all of it. She cried a lot. She's frustrated because she's terrified of leaving him because she feels like she deserves nothing more than his horrific treatment. Given my history, I don't condone infidelity. I truly don't. But there are times when even I can understand that cheating is not always about lust and is actually about basic survival. She's a sweet person. She has a genuine heart. That's why she works in the medical field and helps people through therapy. She doesn't want to hurt anyone. Not at all. She did what she did because it was the only thing she knew how to do after having lost every piece of her humanity. She just wanted to be validated as a person.

And yet, she feels that her means of validation have earned her the horrific treatment to which she's been subjected for the last decade of their on-again/off-again relationship. For this reason, she claims she is "too chicken-shit to leave him" and hasn't worked up the courage to set an appointment with the lawyer.

This was all well and fine, because I'm an understanding and patient person. But then she told me that she's begun having sex with him again. The rational part of my brain assured her that it's ok; that she's in an emotionally unstable situation and that she's still yearning to have with him what she feels she had before. What I didn't tell her is that it kills me to know she would even think about giving that part of herself to that subhuman abomination she's married to when she knows damn-well she has me ready and willing to take her to the stars.

The real issue, though, is what her actions say about her overall mindset. Granted, I'm not her and I can't possibly know exactly what she's feeling at any given time. But based purely on observation and with an in-depth knowledge of her history, the fact that she's fucking him again tells me that she's not going to leave him. They've done this before. They get together, he drives her into the ground, she snaps, she makes big plans to erase him from her life...and then she runs back to him. She runs backs to him because he was her first love and the only constant presence in her life - insipid, malicious presence though he may have been - since she was a teenager. He's familiar. It doesn't matter how much hate she claims for him now. You can't erase history. And at this point, I see that he's beaten her so far into the ground that he now has full possession of her mind and heart. No matter how much she wants to leave, she won't. She won't because he owns her. He truly does. And he proved that not only to me, but to himself when he recently threatened suicide, thereby causing her to rush to his side to make sure he was ok.

So, I've been pulling away. I told her straight-up the first time that we kissed that she needed to consider my feelings in all of this. I pulled away from her lips, looked her in the eyes and said "You know I'm emotionally invested. It would be incredibly unfair to me if you continued to pursue this without seeing it through. Please don't lead me on." She made a lot of assurances and promises and told me that it would be completely fine. To be honest, I didn't believe her. But I chose to trust her.

Now, she's doing everything I feared she'd do. She threatens a divorce, then fails to make an appointment. She insists they have no physical contact, then starts fucking him again days later. Then, just a few weeks ago, she tells me that I can't even express my feelings to her when we're alone. No more wrapping my arms around her from behind and kissing her neck during a workout. No more sending random texts to remind her that I'm thinking of her and hope she's doing ok. I'm not even allowed to give her a simple hug. And with that, I began pulling away. Partly because I was angry, but mostly because I realize where this is going and need to preserve myself. To my dismay, she seems to have gotten the hint and is going along with it. I'm both incredibly saddened and incredibly relieved by this.

The other day, she sent me several successive texts out of nowhere telling me that she really is trying and that she does plan to leave him soon. She says she's just overcome by hurt at the moment (maybe she's just as conflicted as I am) and that monetary issues are preventing her from taking the plunge. Given what I've seen and what's she's admitted to me outright, I still don't believe her. I think she's too scared to leave him, and that if she does, she'll still run back to him at some point. I hope that I'm wrong, but I truly believe that I'll be leaving for Washington while she's still married to that piece of shit and has no intention of leaving him anytime soon. I don't want to think she's that weak. But wants apparently don't dictate the nature of reality.

I've just got so much going on in my my life and in my head and I don't know what to do anymore. What's worse, I've begun drinking again to dull the pain. (Could you tell?) Even after all these months, my stomach ulcer has yet to heal and now that I'm drinking nightly again, it feels like my stomach is being ripped open from the inside. But I don't care. I don't even want to stop. Not right now.

The other day, I really scared the hell out of my friends. Months of buildup had reached a breaking point with me and I made actual, concrete plans to kill myself. I've had moments in the past and I've made two attempts already, but looking back, I see that those attempts were impulsive. Sudden. Moments of weakness that could have turned out worse than they did. Most recently, though, it was different. I took steps to get things in order. To make sure all of my loose ends were tied before I took that final step. I even went to my favorite restaurant (where a lot of my friends work) to have my final meal. I don't know if it was my demeanor or something that I said, but I knew that people picked up on it over the course of that day. One of my clients hugged me, but then she lingered without letting go. When she finally did, she told me that I've changed her life in a lot of ways and that I should always know that she cherishes me. Later, one of my buddies spoke to me with a more sensitive tone than he usually does. And before I left his presence, he stopped me and said "Listen...don't do anything boring tonight. I'll see you tomorrow, bro."

Having spoken to him about suicidal thoughts before, he once told me that "suicide isn't the answer. Life is to be lived. To be enjoyed. It's exciting. Suicide is just so...boring." It's become an unofficial code-word between us. When he told me not to do anything boring, it was all I could do not to burst into tears at that moment.

That night, I ventured out to a mountain that my family and I used to hike on before we hated each other. Every Christmas, we would drive out and hike the miles-long trail to the rocky ridge overlooking the valley. It's the mountain where my mom grew up and it became a really special thing for us. Then, over time, my parents got old and everyone grew up and divisions started to be made. Now, my dad and I don't speak. At all. My mother and I speak only occasionally, and it usually ends in a heated argument. My sister...well, my sister simply doesn't want to do anything other than lock herself in her bathroom (now at mom's house...again) with a bottle of Maker's Mark and a razor blade culled from her shaving kit. Personally, though, I've always loved the outdoors and I've made a point to visit the mountain when I can. I even take my clients there on little "field trips" so they can get outside on a fitness-based adventure for a while.

But that night, I went alone. It was about 1:00 in the morning and I left my cell phone at home. (Complete with instructions on how to crack my security code if anyone desired to do so) I took my gun with me for protection, but that wasn't my actual intent. I fueled up on pre-workout carbs so the hike wouldn't be as brutally unpleasant as it can be if you don't fuel up first. I just wanted a nice, quiet, solitary night in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the Moon to guide me. That's exactly what I got.

The trek was highly enjoyable and reinvigorated me with a sense of awe and purpose. All of my problems and worries and concerns were so far away from me physically, and for some reason, that realization manifested in the sensation of the chilly Winter air filling my lungs. I just love being outdoors. It's a relief that even alcohol struggles to match. Nothing matters to me when I'm in the wild. Nothing.

If you hadn't already guessed, I planned to kill myself when I got to the mountaintop. And yet, when I got there, I was so pumped that all I wanted to do was enjoy the moonlit scenery and then trek back down again. That was about 3 weeks ago. I've been back twice since. (Once with friends)

Things are just changing so much and I don't know what to think. I'm struggling not to continue falling in love with this woman who is so clearly not the right person to be falling in love with. But that pisses me off, because she and I could have such an amazing thing. We really could...if only she'd get her shit together. But then, I know that even if she does do everything she said she'd do; if she leaves her husband and refrains from fucking him after the divorce and gets all of her shit in line, I know that she still won't go with me to Washington. She can't. She won't take her son away from his father, and she won't leave her family behind for that trainer she had an affair with that one time. No matter how much I may mean to her. (Assuming I mean anything at all)

In the end, I will be alone. I'll be going on this road trip with my bro (if he cares enough to wait), but I'll still be alone. Every mile, every county line, every state line will take me further and further away from anything and everything I've ever known and loved. My clients. My friends. My lovers. My sister. My parents. My brother. Every broken, damaged and bleeding relationship I've ever had will be left behind, unmended, as I set off into the unknown to start anew. My dad, broken, diseased and aged, will probably die before I see him again. My sister might kill herself before I can explain to her why I'm doing what I'm doing and tell her that I'm just as scared as she is. My brother will grow into a teenager who thinks I despise him because I was always so short-tempered with him and could do nothing but put a bottle in my mouth that time he asked me if I loved him. My mistress will stay with her husband and end up loathing me because I left her behind to deal with her own problems. My mother will remember that the last thing I said to her before I left was that our issues ran far too deep to be settled with one discussion and that I needed her "the fuck out of my life" until years later.

And you know what? In time, I'll have these exact problems wherever I end up. I'll meet women in Seattle. I'll fall in love with them. I'll inherit their problems and their difficulties. I'll find times to laugh, and I'll find times to drink myself into oblivion. And, at times, I'll want to put a gun in my mouth as I sit in our beautifully-furnished apartment overlooking the night life of the bustling city on Puget sound.

All of these realizations have been hitting me in torrents and they're filling me with both wonder and panic. I'm excited, yet terrified. Terrified, even, by my excitement. I feel like I'm taking on so much and yet abandoning so much more. I just don't know what to think. The other night, I had a panic attack. My first panic attack in years. I had them a lot as an anxiety-ridden teenager, but since becoming an adult, I've left them far behind. (The last one I can remember having was when I was about 14 years old) But the other night, I was in the shower and thinking deeply about all of this. About everything that's been going on. It all just built so high and I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe because my heart was beating so fast. I turned off the water, got out, and tried to walk to the bedroom but ended up collapsing in the hallway. I just sort of curled into a ball for a little while and freaked out. Alone. The only, singular sense of comfort I felt was the steady flow of air blowing on me from a nearby air vent. It made me feel like I was on that mountain again; out in the wilderness where I was connected entirely to nature. It's the only thing that kept me from crying. But then, I've been crying a lot too. More and more frequently as the weeks have gone by, and only when I'm alone. In the middle of the night, I've texted friends and begged them to let me come over so I could be with someone. But the second I get there, the sensation is gone, and I can't cry. It's only when I'm completely alone and feel like the entire world is caving in on me that I can finally let loose and cry. And I've been doing it a lot.

I don't expect much help from anyone here; I just needed to get this out. I can't cry to anyone, and so, I have no one to really vent to. I've tried really opening up with my non-girlfriend (the married chick), but I always end up abandoning my own emotions and focusing on her feelings and what I can do to help her. I just don't feel safe being so vulnerable with anyone. Although, I'm told that as recently as this past Tuesday (pre-New Year's), I broke down in tears after getting black-out drunk at a friend's birthday party. I don't remember anything from that night. Nothing. But apparently I broke down sobbing while being driven home and rambled a lot about what's been going on. My friend hasn't told me anything specific about what I said. I assume he's trying to protect me.

I do know that, when I woke up the next day, I found a fuck-ton of texts on my phone to a lot of people. All were very emotional - from what I could decipher from them. One of them was to my mistress. I told her that I wanted her, that I needed her, and that all I wanted was to "save" her and to make her happy. She responded the next morning only with an apology for not answering that night because she was asleep. Neither of us has said anything about it since.

Everything is slipping from me, and yet, everything is waiting to be experienced. And again, I simply don't know what to do. So I suppose, for now, all I can really do is take things day by day. Continue my plans as though I'm going to Washington...but keep other options available. What I mean by "other options" you can imagine for yourself. Whatever it is you imagine, you're probably right. My thoughts are far from being on a single track these days. I'm considering all possible options simultaneously. There's simply nothing else I can do but let things play out as they will.

I hate not being in control.

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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06-01-2015, 04:31 AM
RE: Changes
Just. cut. the cord.

You'll love Seattle, people are so much more enlightened.

You can't fix your sister. With any luck, you can fix yourself.

Jump on it, do it, are you packed yet? Better hurry. Just get into a flurry of activity and make it happen. I think it's the best thing that ever happened to you. (Just from having read your posts here for quite some time).

So, get moving! Thumbsup

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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06-01-2015, 08:18 AM
RE: Changes
With Dom on this. Just jump and do it. I left everything and moved to Australia at 20. It's scary as hell but it's good for you. You'll see.
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06-01-2015, 08:25 AM
RE: Changes
Just keep in mind - wherever you go, there you are.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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07-01-2015, 12:09 AM
RE: Changes
(06-01-2015 08:25 AM)Chas Wrote:  Just keep in mind - wherever you go, there you are.

Maybe that's just the problem. Myself and I could use a break from each other for a little while.

If only Myself could stay here while I go to Washington. Then we could hash this out in a year or two. Consider

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
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07-01-2015, 06:04 AM
RE: Changes
(07-01-2015 12:09 AM)Misanthropik Wrote:  
(06-01-2015 08:25 AM)Chas Wrote:  Just keep in mind - wherever you go, there you are.

Maybe that's just the problem. Myself and I could use a break from each other for a little while.

If only Myself could stay here while I go to Washington. Then we could hash this out in a year or two. Consider


Get your butt out of that depressing slump you have been in. Yes, change is scary.

You're going to find a ton of excuses not to move and then complain about it. Tongue

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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07-01-2015, 12:14 PM
RE: Changes
One thing I have learned.

You cannot fix others until you fix yourself first. Do what you need to do for you. At some point others are going to have to deal with their issues without dragging you down or into them.
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28-01-2015, 11:10 PM (This post was last modified: 28-01-2015 11:15 PM by Misanthropik.)
RE: Changes
So, things have calmed down since posting this thread. I've pulled away from the mistress and she from me. I could start speculating as to why she's pulled away from me, but I'm not going to torture myself. My sister has accepted that I'm leaving, and even entertained the idea of going with me, but decided against it. I've informed my clients about everything and they're all happy for me. All I have to do is type up a detailed explanation of my workouts and my methods so they'll have something to work with when I'm gone. (Plus I'll be skyping with a few of them once I'm gone, so they'll still have me. I just won't get paid)

My bro left today. The appointment to sign the lease has been set for Monday, so he's hoping to get there just in time to get everything set up for us. Meanwhile, I've just gotta give my car a tune-up and visit my doctor one last time about this ulcer. After that, there's nothing keeping me here.

I really can't wait to be gone. I've been dealing with all of this shit for so long and it's reached the point that I just want to wash my hands of it. There are still lingering emotions and a sense of hesitation about leaving, but I'm leaving. I'm too burned out and too fed-up with this place to care about anything but leaving. I don't even want to wait until the final loose ends have been tied up. My bro is forging West as we speak, and I'd give anything to be there with him. I'm ready.

The only thing that really worries me right now is the possibility that I get to Seattle and find that it's not the saving grace I hope it to be. I want it to be a rush of fresh, rejuvenating air in my lungs, but there's a part of me that knows it might not work out that way. I have a foreboding sense that it'll turn out to be less of a no-holds-barred party and more of a dolled-up version of the same life I'm living now. That idea terrifies me.


The first thing I'm gonna focus on is getting myself established. Do some bartending while I work on building up my client base. Then, when I've gathered the resources, I'll get my own apartment in or around the same building as my bro. (It'll be awesome to live with him, but I'm gonna want my own space as soon as possible) After that, I don't know what'll happen. I know it's probably not reality, but I've got this far-fetched fantasy (as far as I'm concerned) that I'll meet a sweet young gal and end up wanting to spend my life with her. Then we'll either have a baby or find a house somewhere just outside of the city. Whichever comes first. And all the while, I'll be working on my books and signing movie deals and all that good stuff.

So goes the plan, anyway. But like I said, I'm a little too jaded to be confident about any of that. The way my life tends to play out, I'll be disappointed by how things are going; have a string of toxic relationships; drink myself into oblivion down at the Irish pub and wind up cold and lifeless underneath an overpass or somewhere in the woods with a gun in my hand and the back of my skull missing. I'm a little more unfazed about that possibility than I probably should be.

Anyway, that's then. This is now. Just a few more weeks (a month at the most) and I'm out. My stuff loaded in the back; my music loud; my shades on and the open West ahead of me. I'm excited about discovering whatever future awaits me. Shy

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
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28-01-2015, 11:53 PM
RE: Changes
(28-01-2015 11:10 PM)Misanthropik Wrote:  So, things have calmed down since posting this thread. I've pulled away from the mistress and she from me. I could start speculating as to why she's pulled away from me, but I'm not going to torture myself. My sister has accepted that I'm leaving, and even entertained the idea of going with me, but decided against it. I've informed my clients about everything and they're all happy for me. All I have to do is type up a detailed explanation of my workouts and my methods so they'll have something to work with when I'm gone. (Plus I'll be skyping with a few of them once I'm gone, so they'll still have me. I just won't get paid)

My bro left today. The appointment to sign the lease has been set for Monday, so he's hoping to get there just in time to get everything set up for us. Meanwhile, I've just gotta give my car a tune-up and visit my doctor one last time about this ulcer. After that, there's nothing keeping me here.

I really can't wait to be gone. I've been dealing with all of this shit for so long and it's reached the point that I just want to wash my hands of it. There are still lingering emotions and a sense of hesitation about leaving, but I'm leaving. I'm too burned out and too fed-up with this place to care about anything but leaving. I don't even want to wait until the final loose ends have been tied up. My bro is forging West as we speak, and I'd give anything to be there with him. I'm ready.

The only thing that really worries me right now is the possibility that I get to Seattle and find that it's not the saving grace I hope it to be. I want it to be a rush of fresh, rejuvenating air in my lungs, but there's a part of me that knows it might not work out that way. I have a foreboding sense that it'll turn out to be less of a no-holds-barred party and more of a dolled-up version of the same life I'm living now. That idea terrifies me.


The first thing I'm gonna focus on is getting myself established. Do some bartending while I work on building up my client base. Then, when I've gathered the resources, I'll get my own apartment in or around the same building as my bro. (It'll be awesome to live with him, but I'm gonna want my own space as soon as possible) After that, I don't know what'll happen. I know it's probably not reality, but I've got this far-fetched fantasy (as far as I'm concerned) that I'll meet a sweet young gal and end up wanting to spend my life with her. Then we'll either have a baby or find a house somewhere just outside of the city. Whichever comes first. And all the while, I'll be working on my books and signing movie deals and all that good stuff.

So goes the plan, anyway. But like I said, I'm a little too jaded to be confident about any of that. The way my life tends to play out, I'll be disappointed by how things are going; have a string of toxic relationships; drink myself into oblivion down at the Irish pub and wind up cold and lifeless underneath an overpass or somewhere in the woods with a gun in my hand and the back of my skull missing. I'm a little more unfazed about that possibility than I probably should be.

Anyway, that's then. This is now. Just a few more weeks (a month at the most) and I'm out. My stuff loaded in the back; my music loud; my shades on and the open West ahead of me. I'm excited about discovering whatever future awaits me. Shy

Let the journey begin! Who knows what lies ahead. Exciting times.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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29-01-2015, 12:10 AM
RE: Changes
You need to take this opportunity to build a positive you. This is a clean break and a clean start. You have the chance to discover yourself as someone you love to be and also to build around you a new family of people who do the same. Don't fall into old habits.

Strive for exceptionalism, but be able to be content with who you are even if you don't reach your greatest goals. If you can do that, you have been successful at life.

Best wishes and safe travels.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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