Cheated
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26-06-2013, 10:52 PM
Cheated
So...I just found out today that my wife cheated on me last night while I was at work. The guy is a friend of mine, and hers. I really don't know how to type this out like i'm defending her, or like I'm whining but here it goes, the whole story.

We had been experimenting with new sexual stuff..mostly BDSM. We had discovered that she is extremely "Sub" while I'm extremely possessive and "Dom". We didn't really know what we were doing so we asked a friend, who we knew was hardcore into that scene, for help. About a month later, we both admitted that we were attracted to this guy. I even said after a little time getting used to it, I might be okay with a devils three way.

but anyways, this last week we've been having a little trouble...our son was sick, money issues, everything just started stacking. I knew she was feeling down, so we had a movie night on sunday and everythign seemed good....sex life, whole nine. Then this morning I get back from work and she's puking, and having a panic attack. I asked why and she goes "I made a huge mistake" and proceeds to tell me about how she had sex with our friend who had been helping us.

I didn't explode (which is weird for me, I have anger management issues), I just was like "What....the fuck". We talked about it and she absolutely broke down....100% destroyed herself. Talking about knowing I'd leave her, and that She didnt want to lose the kids. about how she hated how she felt afterwards, and how she didn't even enjoy it, and how she felt used and like a slut (her words not mine).

I love her, and I want to stay with her, but I don't know if I can trust her anymore. HELP!

Shock And Awe Tactics-- The "application of massive or overwhelming force" to "disarm, incapacitate, or render the enemy impotent with as few casualties to ourselves and to noncombatants as possible"
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26-06-2013, 11:14 PM
RE: Cheated
Talk. A lot. Keep the friend away - don't have to be mean about it. This person has insinuated himself into a position of discomfort for your wife and you. This person is intruding on your dynamic as a couple otherwise, you would have been advised prior to the incident and you would have most likely been included.

Discuss this in every detail about how she feels and how you feel - even if you aren't certain how you feel. Do not "blow up" - this is just discussion - communication - you are just talking. Be calm. Be close.

Whatever you do, do not hang it over her head that you can't trust her anymore. You can trust her - otherwise, she wouldn't have told you about what she did, she'd still be just sneaking around. She trusted you enough to tell you - that's the trust you want to hang on to.

Shy

I think in the end, I just feel like I'm a secular person who has a skeptical eye toward any extraordinary claim, carefully examining any extraordinary evidence before jumping to conclusions. ~ Eric ~ My friend ... who figured it out.
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26-06-2013, 11:38 PM (This post was last modified: 26-06-2013 11:44 PM by Likos02.)
RE: Cheated
Yeah, thats one thing that I admired about her even after she did it. She was honest about it enough to tell me literally less than 8 hours after the incident.

Edit: I've also talked to the friend. he didn't regret it, but he acknowledges that he could have possibly ruined our marriage...I gave him a choice, Nuts guts or face....he chose Guts. He's been on the toilet puking for 30 minutes and now he regrets it and says it will never happen again.

Shock And Awe Tactics-- The "application of massive or overwhelming force" to "disarm, incapacitate, or render the enemy impotent with as few casualties to ourselves and to noncombatants as possible"
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26-06-2013, 11:48 PM
RE: Cheated
The one thing about your relationship that you want to keep is each other... that's what you need to be intimate about. You guys are novice to this situation and most likely need things to go slow - that might be something you can talk more about. Take the "friend" out of the equation. This person has very quickly overstepped his bounds.

You guys just need to process this more on the level of a couple. Communicate as much as possible to get you both back to a more comfortable state of togetherness before proceeding with plans to bring anyone else into the bedroom.

I think in the end, I just feel like I'm a secular person who has a skeptical eye toward any extraordinary claim, carefully examining any extraordinary evidence before jumping to conclusions. ~ Eric ~ My friend ... who figured it out.
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26-06-2013, 11:48 PM
RE: Cheated
We spent most of today talking about it...I think we'll be okay in time. I explained that I wasn't angry at her, I was angry that she couldn't have waited for me to be more comfortable with him to do stuff together. Weird, but true. I was also angry at myself for not seeing it sooner and being able to intervene....This whole situation is like me being angry at myself for not being good enough and her feeling the need to be with someone else....

Shock And Awe Tactics-- The "application of massive or overwhelming force" to "disarm, incapacitate, or render the enemy impotent with as few casualties to ourselves and to noncombatants as possible"
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26-06-2013, 11:50 PM
RE: Cheated
What Kim said.

Also it really boils down to whether or not you can live with what has transpired. If you REALLY CAN forgive her and trust her again, you will be fine.
This will take time and you will have to look deep inside and be true to yourself about how you feel. It is not a pleasant situation to be in. I sympathize.
Good luck!

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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26-06-2013, 11:56 PM
RE: Cheated
I don't think that's what it was about for her... women do things for very personal reasons that have nothing to do with their partner. Often things are instigated and get going before future regret even becomes apparent.

I think you'll be ok - like you said, it will take some time. But you've got plenty of that... just make your time worthy of each other. Shy

I think in the end, I just feel like I'm a secular person who has a skeptical eye toward any extraordinary claim, carefully examining any extraordinary evidence before jumping to conclusions. ~ Eric ~ My friend ... who figured it out.
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27-06-2013, 12:08 AM (This post was last modified: 27-06-2013 12:12 AM by Likos02.)
RE: Cheated
She said that was kind of what her motivation was. As I said in the OP, she's discovered she's a Hardcore "Sub" she's even been in Subspace (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subspace_(BDSM) with me a few times and so she said she thought with him being an "Experienced Dom" that he could do things that I wasn't ready for yet. (She's also pregnant, hormonal and had been watching true blood while reading Laurel K. Hamilton). She said that during and afterward she was completely turned off, and that it made her feel "dirty and used".

I think we might be okay, as long as the trend continues. I see it as a good thing that she was so distraught over it (Guilt and remorse) because it shows she really does care for me and how it affected me. On the other hand though, if it was that easy (relatively) for someone to come in and make her feel like she needed to experiment, how can I know that she won't do it again?

Edit: To clarify, she stated that she felt like she was "in a spell" and that she "had no control", which fits for her personality...but I just don't want her to get "controlled" again....does that make sense?

Shock And Awe Tactics-- The "application of massive or overwhelming force" to "disarm, incapacitate, or render the enemy impotent with as few casualties to ourselves and to noncombatants as possible"
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27-06-2013, 12:25 AM
RE: Cheated
This "friend" insinuated himself and took the lead - he did this knowingly and manipulatively. This "friend" is the person to not trust.

Plus, she's pregnant - there is such a thing as a pregnant brain - the hormones can put one on another planet.

You guys need time to be close.

I think in the end, I just feel like I'm a secular person who has a skeptical eye toward any extraordinary claim, carefully examining any extraordinary evidence before jumping to conclusions. ~ Eric ~ My friend ... who figured it out.
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27-06-2013, 12:43 AM
RE: Cheated
Yeah...100% agree, Thanks everyone. Just needed to vent a little bit.

Shock And Awe Tactics-- The "application of massive or overwhelming force" to "disarm, incapacitate, or render the enemy impotent with as few casualties to ourselves and to noncombatants as possible"
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