Child Sexual Abuse
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09-12-2013, 11:37 AM (This post was last modified: 09-12-2013 02:58 PM by anonymous66.)
Child Sexual Abuse
I was abused as a child by an adult stranger my parents let me spend the night with. I was about 9 years old, and it only happened once.

My family wasn't much help when I let them know I was abused. One of my brothers told me that I was abused and he wasn't, because he was "tougher" than I was, and no one would have dared try it with him. I've since disowned him. I can't think of any situation where a comment like that could be excused.

I'm in my 40's now, and I still have issues with trust. I have virtually no friends except my wife. I can be combative and arrogant when I talk with people and I'm not even sure if I want to change. And friends are overrated, as far as I'm concerned. The only reason I even consider changing is because sometimes people react to me in ways that are painful.

I think part of the reason why I can be challenging is because I also grew up as a fundamentalist, and am weary of people who expect me to believe something because of a simple assertion.

I've tried counseling several times over the years, but I didn't get much out of it, and I have real problems with the entire concept of psychology.

How do I change in ways that allow me to be genuine, but not make people feel they need to "get even" with me? I've also recently identified myself as an atheist, and I'm afraid people are going to assume I'm difficult because I'm an atheist.

Or should I just keep being myself, and learn to deal with the consequences?
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09-12-2013, 02:54 PM
RE: Child Sexual Abuse
Hello. I'm sensing a rant, but it might be worthwhile.

As a rule of thumb, when there are people within ones life that are abusive mentally, or physically, or people who validate the abuse or make it difficult to escape or reconcile it - THEY'RE POISON. A person does owe it to themselves to denounce those people for the appropriate reasons, and to remove them from ones life. And if applicable, calling the authorities to save someone else from them.

Generally, a person should act in what ever way they feel most comfortable. But they need to curtail their actions when it "needlessly" causes harm or distress to someone else.

Is your level of comfort worth the level of distress of someone else?
Are you in a position where you should give them leeway? At a private business, or someone elses home.
Are you in a position where they should be giving you the leeway? In public, or your own residence.

If you're speech and actions generally fall within reason, and empathy, then people have no legitimate reason to be disapproving of you. And you should not dismantle your reason and empathy to meet them at their lower level.

Friendship isn't something to taken lightly. These aren't colleagues or acquaintances, or contacts. These are people who like each others company, and find mutual benefits in one another's company. It's definitely not something you want to "settle" for. But wrong impressions, and misunderstandings are a fact of life so some leeway should be set aside for that. Things might resolve themselves.

If someone is right for you, they're right. If not, they're not. No one is guaranteed to find decent people. You may not. But you also might. Just another fact of life.
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09-12-2013, 03:44 PM (This post was last modified: 09-12-2013 03:48 PM by anonymous66.)
RE: Child Sexual Abuse
LOL. I think you'll find I'm not much of a ranter.

Thanks for your thoughts.

It seems some people actually enjoy controversy and strife. Apparently, I'm not one of them, but sometimes I wish I was. Does that make sense?

I've been involved with several forums over the last 10 years or so. I can get into long, heated discussions and love every minute of it, but for in real life, the stakes are higher. But, I do want to be true to myself.
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10-12-2013, 11:11 AM (This post was last modified: 10-12-2013 11:53 AM by QueenTit.)
RE: Child Sexual Abuse
Firstly, I'm so sorry that you, as an innocent child, were put in such an inappropriate situation and for all of the pain it's caused you over the years.
Secondly, I don't know if it's been explained to you in the counselling you've gone through but you've probably been dealing with the effects of post traumatic stress disorder. Like adult victims of trauma, children experience significant psychological and emotional distress. Unlike an adult, however, you were traumatized during the most critical period of your life (when you were forming assumptions about yourself, other people, and the world; when your relations to your own internal states were being established; and when your coping and relationship skills were just being established). If untreated by therapy, the effects of sexual abuse experienced in childhood are usually much more dynamic and interactive, in contrast to trauma effects in adults who already have a stable base development and maturation to draw on and for whom, with support, the trauma effects will wane over time.
I can understand your distrust towards psychology, however, I feel like maybe you're misplacing it. What's your reason for making that statement? Could it be that the counselors you've encountered have represented the field in a negative way for you? Psychology itself is simply the scientific study of the human mind and its functions, especially those affecting behavior. Every therapist/client relationship is different and it's very encouraged that you should try on quite a few for size before you'll find one that "fits" you. I'd also highly recommend seeing a registered psychologist or psychotherapist as opposed to just a counselor. Finding someone who has a focus on child abuse and it's affects could be SO healing and life changing for you as it really could help with your distrust, desire for approval, and allow you to develop in the genuine ways you desire.
From what you've expressed, I suspect a huge amount of your distrust comes from the response your family had when you told them. Are any of these people still in your life? I think (as PoolBoy also stated) that people who stand by and allow abuse to happen are not only dishonorable but cruel and vile. Your brother, who obviously made a disgusting statement and does NOT deserve to be in your life, wasn't the one who should have been protecting and defending you when this happened. Your parents were. If you haven't I think it could be extremely cathartic for you to let your parents know how their inaction has affected you as an adult and, quite possibly, to terminate any relationship you have with them (as PB said: they're poison).
I don't think you can simply "just keep being yourself, and learn to deal with the consequences" as you've spent 30+ years of your life trying to do that on your own.
I think confronting your parents could allow you a certain sense of release and also open you up to trusting a little more easily in the future. I really believe the rest needs to come from cognitive therapy.
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10-12-2013, 11:22 AM
RE: Child Sexual Abuse
(09-12-2013 11:37 AM)anonymous66 Wrote:  I was abused as a child by an adult stranger my parents let me spend the night with. I was about 9 years old, and it only happened once.

My family wasn't much help when I let them know I was abused. One of my brothers told me that I was abused and he wasn't, because he was "tougher" than I was, and no one would have dared try it with him. I've since disowned him. I can't think of any situation where a comment like that could be excused.

I'm in my 40's now, and I still have issues with trust. I have virtually no friends except my wife. I can be combative and arrogant when I talk with people and I'm not even sure if I want to change. And friends are overrated, as far as I'm concerned. The only reason I even consider changing is because sometimes people react to me in ways that are painful.

I think part of the reason why I can be challenging is because I also grew up as a fundamentalist, and am weary of people who expect me to believe something because of a simple assertion.

I've tried counseling several times over the years, but I didn't get much out of it, and I have real problems with the entire concept of psychology.

How do I change in ways that allow me to be genuine, but not make people feel they need to "get even" with me? I've also recently identified myself as an atheist, and I'm afraid people are going to assume I'm difficult because I'm an atheist.

Or should I just keep being myself, and learn to deal with the consequences?

I was sexually abused as a child. The scars are permanent. Also, people then didn't know how to deal with it -- I think. I never told because honestly I figured why and no one would believe me anyway. I used to think friends are over-rated because well..I felt let down by them. I was suffering and no one knew...how could I not feel let down by that. You certainly must have felt terribly let down by your sibling's response to your abuse. Often I find people don't know what to do with hearing those kinds of truths.

It pops up in weird ways in adulthood.

You can always talk to us. Hug


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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10-12-2013, 11:38 AM
RE: Child Sexual Abuse
(09-12-2013 11:37 AM)anonymous66 Wrote:  I was abused as a child by an adult stranger my parents let me spend the night with. I was about 9 years old, and it only happened once.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Sad

Quote: I can be combative and arrogant when I talk with people and I'm not even sure if I want to change. And friends are overrated, as far as I'm concerned. The only reason I even consider changing is because sometimes people react to me in ways that are painful. ……………..

How do I change in ways that allow me to be genuine, but not make people feel they need to "get even" with me? I've also recently identified myself as an atheist, and I'm afraid people are going to assume I'm difficult because I'm an atheist.

Or should I just keep being myself, and learn to deal with the consequences?


there's an old adage that says 'to have a friend, be a friend'
Friendships start small, a kind word, a kind gesture, a common interest and grow from there.

Don't ever stop being yourself. You mention you have a wife, I'm sure there is a nice side of you in there somewhere, maybe let that side of you show toward others more often ??

I, personally, keep things like atheism to myself until I know the person very, very well because I know they are topics that can be more decisive and prone to disagreement. At that moment in time- I am valuing the friendship more than my need to share a small tidbit of what makes me the person I am. Just like I don't rush to tell people that I eat food that isn't organic and didn't breastfeed my kids till they were 3 (and if you knew my neighbors-you would understand why that would cause a conflict with her :roll eyes: )


Be excellent to each other and party on, Dudes!
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10-12-2013, 01:08 PM
RE: Child Sexual Abuse
(10-12-2013 11:38 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  
(09-12-2013 11:37 AM)anonymous66 Wrote:  I was abused as a child by an adult stranger my parents let me spend the night with. I was about 9 years old, and it only happened once.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Sad

Quote: I can be combative and arrogant when I talk with people and I'm not even sure if I want to change. And friends are overrated, as far as I'm concerned. The only reason I even consider changing is because sometimes people react to me in ways that are painful. ……………..

How do I change in ways that allow me to be genuine, but not make people feel they need to "get even" with me? I've also recently identified myself as an atheist, and I'm afraid people are going to assume I'm difficult because I'm an atheist.

Or should I just keep being myself, and learn to deal with the consequences?


there's an old adage that says 'to have a friend, be a friend'
Friendships start small, a kind word, a kind gesture, a common interest and grow from there.

Don't ever stop being yourself. You mention you have a wife, I'm sure there is a nice side of you in there somewhere, maybe let that side of you show toward others more often ??

I, personally, keep things like atheism to myself until I know the person very, very well because I know they are topics that can be more decisive and prone to disagreement. At that moment in time- I am valuing the friendship more than my need to share a small tidbit of what makes me the person I am. Just like I don't rush to tell people that I eat food that isn't organic and didn't breastfeed my kids till they were 3 (and if you knew my neighbors-you would understand why that would cause a conflict with her :roll eyes: )

Thank you for the reply.
I think the root issue is that I rather like debate. I find it both interesting and informative. The issue arises when my love for debate results in people just attacking me and leaving. Perhaps I just need to find a good debate partner. Someone who will honestly disagree with me and explain why.

I don't know that I really want friends all that much. I just want to find healthy ways to "be myself".
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10-12-2013, 01:46 PM
RE: Child Sexual Abuse
(09-12-2013 11:37 AM)anonymous66 Wrote:  I was abused as a child by an adult stranger my parents let me spend the night with. I was about 9 years old, and it only happened once.

My family wasn't much help when I let them know I was abused. One of my brothers told me that I was abused and he wasn't, because he was "tougher" than I was, and no one would have dared try it with him. I've since disowned him. I can't think of any situation where a comment like that could be excused.

I'm in my 40's now, and I still have issues with trust. I have virtually no friends except my wife. I can be combative and arrogant when I talk with people and I'm not even sure if I want to change. And friends are overrated, as far as I'm concerned. The only reason I even consider changing is because sometimes people react to me in ways that are painful.

I think part of the reason why I can be challenging is because I also grew up as a fundamentalist, and am weary of people who expect me to believe something because of a simple assertion.

I've tried counseling several times over the years, but I didn't get much out of it, and I have real problems with the entire concept of psychology.

How do I change in ways that allow me to be genuine, but not make people feel they need to "get even" with me? I've also recently identified myself as an atheist, and I'm afraid people are going to assume I'm difficult because I'm an atheist.

Or should I just keep being myself, and learn to deal with the consequences?

Perhaps a different approach might be worthwhile.

I realize this will be difficult to fathom, but it is my belief that you were indeed damaged by the whole affair and that damage has left some scars.

So what do we need to do to heal?

I think the first thing you need to do is to accept what happened to you, regardless of how hard that is to hear. There's nothing you can do about it now, and it has entwined itself into your life and become a part of who you are today.

If that made you angry, then before you explode keep reading.

Yes, what happened to you was as ugly as hell. Yes, you probably wish the person who did it was dead. But you cannot change what happened, and all you have left is acceptance.

So why is acceptance so important?

Because you stop fighting it and struggling within yourself about it. You "own" what happened to you and then begin to look at the life you currently have. You begin to understand that if that event had not happened to you, you may have never have met your beautiful wife, or had a beautiful family. You begin to understand that if one single thing changed in your past you would not be with the people you so dearly love today.

You begin to see that it's not all bad.

It's not your fault, but it's all within your control. Embrace yourself and love yourself for who you are today, and for the great things you have in your life today. You have one life to live, so live it to the maximum and do not allow the ugly parts of your life to bring you any more harm.

The power is all yours. It always was. Never forget that.

How can anyone become an atheist when we were all born with no religious beliefs in the first place? We are atheists because we were ...
BORN THIS WAY
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10-12-2013, 02:15 PM (This post was last modified: 10-12-2013 02:22 PM by anonymous66.)
RE: Child Sexual Abuse
Thanks for the kind words. I've been dealing the issue of my abuse for about 20 years. I have thought along the lines you suggest. Being abused did have a role in making me the person I am today. and I can't change what happened.

What I can do is to get away from people who try to make me feel bad about what happened to me.
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10-12-2013, 02:20 PM
RE: Child Sexual Abuse
(10-12-2013 02:15 PM)anonymous66 Wrote:  Thanks for the kind words. I've been dealing the issue of my abuse for about 20 years. I have thought along the lines you suggest. Being abused did have a role in making me the person I am today. and I can't change what happened.

I won't elaborate on any of my bad experiences because I don't want to make this about me. I have dealt with my past and now every day I wake up happy and full of life. I think I am the most fortunate person in the world.

You will get there some day too. You seem like a reasonable and logical person, so I think it's only a matter of time before you grab the bull by the horns again and/or dance like nobody is watching.

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How can anyone become an atheist when we were all born with no religious beliefs in the first place? We are atheists because we were ...
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