Childfree advice
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20-09-2013, 01:54 PM
Childfree advice
So, I need some advice from some rational minds. Hope you guys have some words of wisdom for me.

So, before we got married, my wife and I decided we weren't going to have children. Neither of us is a fan of children and neither of us feels any type of "parental instinct" or pull to have children. We'd rather live life for each other and enjoy life instead of giving in to pressures to produce offspring.

The problem is that my family is filled with breeders. They LOVE babies. Babies, babies, babies. Because of this, they can't fathom the concept that we don't want children. They can't understand why we don't coo and aww over newborns. They continue to send us pictures that we find disgusting (unwashed newborns, baby puke, etc) with comments like "aww, aren't they so cute?" They'll also try to make us hold babies or try to "trick" us into playing with the kids in the family so we will catch the "baby bug".

My question is this: How do I get it through their thick skulls that we do not in any way shape or form want children without being overtly rude to them? I've had to leave a few family gatherings to prevent from going off and telling my cousin/sister/friend that their "adorable" newborn looks like a mutated alien?

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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20-09-2013, 02:17 PM
RE: Childfree advice
Just don't show up at a few family gatherings. If questioned about your absence, advise that people in the family are constantly trying to put a kid in your arms and it's just not your's and your wife's thing.

Let them know you like people the way they are and that you don't like to try to change people. So, rather than get into it with someone and possibly coming off insensitively, you'd just rather stay away.

Then, you and your wife can share a bit more quality time together, with a lot less pressure to perform the niceties of "the family get together".


As always, in the end...
The truth will set you free. Angel

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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20-09-2013, 02:32 PM
RE: Childfree advice
(20-09-2013 02:17 PM)kim Wrote:  Just don't show up at a few family gatherings. If questioned about your absence, advise that people in the family are constantly trying to put a kid in your arms and it's just not your's and your wife's thing.

Let them know you like people the way they are and that you don't like to try to change people. So, rather than get into it with someone and possibly coming off insensitively, you'd just rather stay away.

Then, you and your wife can share a bit more quality time together, with a lot less pressure to perform the niceties of "the family get together".


As always, in the end...
The truth will set you free. Angel

We've tried the polite "to each their own" approach. Despite being very clearly told that we don't like children, they continue to assume that we're just confused, or just haven't been exposed to the wonder that children are (almost vomited typing that).

When we got married, we expressly put NO CHILDREN on the invitation, even bolded it. Most of them brought their children anyways. One actually said "children are wonderful, why wouldn't we bring them" not wanting to start an argument, we just ignored the children but it really angered my new wife.

I'm trying to find a way to make them understand. I do really enjoy the company of my family, but I swear I'm going to start ranting and insulting their children if I can't get them to simply drop it. Seriously, the last time we were together, my sister tried to get me to watch her son while he was being crabby. It took every ounce of self control to not tell her "watch your own damn brat, I don't want to deal with the shithead" I'm trying really hard to not be "that guy", but it gets harder the more they push.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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20-09-2013, 03:19 PM
RE: Childfree advice
Then, don't mince words.

State emphatically, "I do not like children and my wife does not like children. What part of this do you not get?" and then state, "Please do not ask me to have anything to do with your children because I do not like children. Get it?"

Then, you might then ask them to repeat any of the above sentences after you, just so they realize the importance of the context and so they might retain the content better. Thumbsup

They need to realize that this is indeed very important to you and that this is something that they need to respect.

If they don't respect you, well... why would you want hang around with someone who doesn't respect you?

They might need to miss you at a few family gatherings ... quite a few... for the respect to take hold. Shy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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20-09-2013, 03:34 PM
RE: Childfree advice
Not having children is entirely the choice and decision of you and your wife. The worst thing anyone can do is have a child they don't want because they are pressured to have for the sake of the grandparents or other family. Good for you to stick by your convictions.

I have three kids (grown) and three grandkids. I was never so happy as I was when all three of mine were no longer little kids. Babies and toddlers make me twitch. I get grief because I am not the doting grandma my one daughter expected me to be...she knows me, why she thought I would fall all over myself to be a granny is beyond my comprehension. I am pretty good with pre-teens and teens but before that, it's kind of a struggle for me to spend time with kids.

Funny you mention the wedding thing. When my first husband and I married the ceremony was in the evening followed by a reception at the county club. We specified no kids. Sure enough there were kids crying and wailing during the ceremony and running amid the wedding guests who were trying to enjoy a nice dinner and party. My own daughter didn't attend and these people that thought their little precious offspring must be included in everything really ticked me off.

If you have to cut contact, at least for a time, do so. Set your boundaries and hold them.

And, I will say it, not every baby is cute...some are downright scary looking. My coworker and I have talked about how we are pushed into commenting on new babies. Sometimes the only thing we can think of to say is something along the lines of, 'cute outfit' or 'look at all that hair'.

Good luck...for some reason kids are the new accessory...what the hell happened to getting a sitter, I did. And fuck those stupid stick people family decals on cars...I don't care that you are fertile...nor do I care how fertile. The new "Baby on Board". BLAH!

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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20-09-2013, 03:48 PM
RE: Childfree advice
They're just envious, they fell for the breeding trap and now they just want to share their pain ans suffering with the world. Don't let them.

"Threat" them to drop their kids if they make you hold them and make remarks like "uggh that thing is fugly" and laugh when they show you that stuff. Eventually they'll cut the crap or cut you off, any way you win Smile

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20-09-2013, 04:37 PM
RE: Childfree advice
Wow! You've really already made a point and even had discussions about it with family and they keep pushing. Oh, family dynamics! I have two kids and the family pushes us to have more and does the same thing (throws the baby in my arms, etc) and I am SOOO done with babies. People just don't know when to mind their own beeswax sometimes.

I think the next step is along the lines of Kim's suggestion- a firmer foot. If people can't respect you and your wife's boundaries, then build the wall a little higher. Make it clear. It's actually quite simple if it were accepted. Throw the baby back- "I like your baby as a person, but I don't like the responsibility of a baby".
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20-09-2013, 04:58 PM
RE: Childfree advice
(20-09-2013 01:54 PM)itsnotmeitsyou Wrote:  How do I get it through their thick skulls that we do not in any way shape or form want children
Eat one?

Quote:without being overtly rude to them?
Oh, never mind.

Dunno what to say here... I was against having kids for a long time, didn't want to be around them, didn't like them... even as a child, I related better to adults than other kids.

Now, I'm in my mid 30s, and... I'm beginning to get it. Yeah, I do want a little semi-replicant alien thing that kinda looks like me and my wife. I mean, we have her daughter, my stepdaughter, and I love her more than I can say... more even than her mom. I didn't even meet her until she was almost 6, though, I missed seeing her figure out so much.

I AM he who is called... cat furniture.
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21-09-2013, 09:37 AM
RE: Childfree advice
(20-09-2013 01:54 PM)itsnotmeitsyou Wrote:  My question is this: How do I get it through their thick skulls that we do not in any way shape or form want children without being overtly rude to them?

Tell them you can't have children 'cause your fellas don't know how to swim. And then start weeping. They'll never speak of it again. Drinking Beverage

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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21-09-2013, 09:45 AM
RE: Childfree advice
(21-09-2013 09:37 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(20-09-2013 01:54 PM)itsnotmeitsyou Wrote:  My question is this: How do I get it through their thick skulls that we do not in any way shape or form want children without being overtly rude to them?

Tell them you can't have children 'cause your fellas don't know how to swim. And then start weeping. They'll never speak of it again. :coffee:

In this case they'd prob just hand him a spare of theirs, probably the muckiest one or something :P
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