Chink in your armor.
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11-03-2016, 10:00 PM
RE: Chink in your armor.
(11-03-2016 05:01 PM)Hobbitgirl Wrote:  Unworthy. I feel unworthy.

I can relate.
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11-03-2016, 10:12 PM
RE: Chink in your armor.
(11-03-2016 05:56 PM)julep Wrote:  
(10-03-2016 11:57 PM)jariel Wrote:  Ah - how I wish this were true for me. I happen to be a proficient pianist, composer and vocal arranger, and am indeed a better musician than most people. But my negative self-talk tells me I'm a bad, selfish, lazy, unlovable, extremely unattractive person. So down, down, down goes my self-esteem Sad

I'm a musician, too. Fairly good at what I do--sometimes have actual lines of people who want to tell me how much they enjoyed my playing. It's not enough to make me feel secure about myself as a human or a performer. I've had to accept that there's a bottomless pit there, and also that it is a rude/burdensome to acknowledge that. The good news is that feeling of inadequacy seems to be common in our profession.

Once I was getting compliments after a performance and was saying to a fellow musician who had complimented me, "I wish I had a couple of those notes back." He snapped back: "Fine, you sucked." I realized how tiresome and needy I was being and determined to be less so in the future. It's fine for me to nitpick what I did, but when people say you did a good job, do your best to accept it.

Nowadays I unload that stuff in my journal or on my husband. He says, "How did the concert go?" and I tell him about the beat where my tongue and my fingers weren't coordinated and how I played out of tune with the first flute for a couple of notes.

I'm in a pro vocal group, too (though I am mostly an instrumentalist)--if you want to PM me a link so I can check out your arrangements, please do--we are always looking for new pieces to program.

As a musician who spent years gigging in the clubs of SoCal, I'm confident in saying that our perceptions of a gig are often entirely different from the audience's. I've walked away from the stage knowing that I've killed it only to find humdrum indifference in the crowd -- and other times, I know I've stunk up the joint only to have a listener or three tell me how "that was magic" or WTF they heard.

I have definite esteem issues and have in the past used my musicianship in one sense to assuage what I feel as personal deficiencies -- "You might be handsomer/richer/more charming, but can you play this? Can you compose this? I didn't think so."

Nowadays, after five years of no gigging and acoustic-guitar only on my porch, with only the birds for an audience, I'm happy as a musician with no fee to collect, no competition to meet, writing and playing for myself only. I know I'm good.
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12-03-2016, 01:29 AM
RE: Chink in your armor.
(11-03-2016 07:40 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  [Image: DbrQ80J.jpg]

Yeah, I know. Rolleyes

I just got this. Laugh out load

Gasp

Laugh out load

Be true to yourself. Heart
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12-03-2016, 07:34 AM
RE: Chink in your armor.
(11-03-2016 07:40 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  [Image: DbrQ80J.jpg]

Yeah, I know. Rolleyes

You have no idea how relieved I am that I'm not the only one who thought of
that...

Atheism: it's not just for communists any more!
America July 4 1776 - November 8 2016 RIP
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12-03-2016, 06:23 PM
RE: Chink in your armor.
Quote:I have definite esteem issues and have in the past used my musicianship in one sense to assuage what I feel as personal deficiencies -- "You might be handsomer/richer/more charming, but can you play this? Can you compose this? I didn't think so."

Ohhh, I would do that, too! (at least in my head)

Judy
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12-03-2016, 06:31 PM
RE: Chink in your armor.
(11-03-2016 05:56 PM)julep Wrote:  I'm in a pro vocal group, too (though I am mostly an instrumentalist)--if you want to PM me a link so I can check out your arrangements, please do--we are always looking for new pieces to program.

Thanks! My professional musical career was in the '50s (I was one of those exasperating child prodigies) through the mid-80s. I don't have any arrangements online. The only thing I have online is a musical I wrote the lyrics and music for in 1977 - a version of "Jack and the Beanstalk" which happens to feature an 11-year-old Ben Stiller as the Giant. Smile

I now use my music to teach at the local synagogue's religious school, working with children aged 4-15. I do vocal arrangements and compose songs for them.

Judy
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12-03-2016, 09:14 PM
RE: Chink in your armor.
I have no musical ability at all and no matter how hard I worked at it, I always failed and I've gotten worse as the years pass. [Today, I can't even keep time to music which is part of my second big failing as described below.] My mother was a graduate of Juilliard and failure at music was intolerable. She killed herself 51 years ago and I still have nightmares that she rises from the grave to scream at me while I am attempting to play the piano.

I find trying to understand, "time," very frustrating. Thank you, Albert Einstein, you cracker son-of-a bitch. I get that it is not absolute, and may not even exist, and that it slows down the faster we travel but I don't understand why. My father was a brilliant scientist and he thought I was stupid because of my inability to grasp this shit. I think it must be tied to music which we already know is beyond my ability.
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12-03-2016, 11:10 PM
RE: Chink in your armor.
Not sure if this is what the thread was aiming for but my biggest ones:

1. Not being able to be myself around people I'm not 100% comfortable with. I love to laugh and make people laugh, but when attention is on me from more than 1 or 2 people that I know pretty well I become a total bore.

2. I haven't found a "calling" in life and am extremely prone to envy. "Oh, you started your own business? I'm such a failure, why didn't I come up with a business idea and become an entrepreneur?" "An astrophysicist? I love space and the cosmos! I'm such a loser, why didn't I go into astrophysics?" Repeat that thought process for pretty much anything, but especially any field in science. I'm afraid no matter what I end up doing with my life I'll always feel unfulfilled. On the bright side I finally got a decent job using my degree.
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13-03-2016, 12:32 AM
RE: Chink in your armor.
Aspergers.

That's my chink.

I nearly typed that I suffer from it but, actually, I quite enjoy it - and that's my Aspergers coming through.

I don't relate to people at all. I just don't understand them.

If truth be told, I tolerate rather than like other people. I know it's un-PC but I couldn't give a flying fart. In my world, people have the right to be offended if they choose. That's their right as a human being. They also have the right not to be offended.

In a lot of ways, I prefer being me because I don't understand how people survive with all that emotional nonsense. I've seen how much grief it causes.

I'm told that I miss out on so much because of my lack of emotion but when I see what it does to people ....

Marburg virus, Ebola, Rabies, HIV, Smallpox, Hantavirus, Dengue Fever all brought to you by god - who cares for us and loves us all Censored
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13-03-2016, 11:23 AM
RE: Chink in your armor.
(12-03-2016 07:34 AM)unfogged Wrote:  
(11-03-2016 07:40 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  [Image: DbrQ80J.jpg]

Yeah, I know. Rolleyes

You have no idea how relieved I am that I'm not the only one who thought of
that...

I thought about that after I put up the post and I started thinking, aw geeze, I did it again. Facepalm I put up a post and gave it a ridiculous name. Once I did a post titled "Woman's face creams". Dodgy The first post was from DLJ and it certainly wasn't about the stuff that's sold in a L'Oreal or Estee Lauder cosmetics counter. Blink


Facepalm

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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