Christian Satire
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07-01-2017, 11:20 AM
Christian Satire
I must admit to an addiction, the Christian satire site the Babylon Bee eats up a lot of my time. Some of their great articles include:

Painting of Jesus in Family's Living Room has seen some horrible things

Adult Coloring Book to Feature Favorite Imprecatory Psalms
Quote:GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Featuring such favorite verses as “O God, break the teeth in their mouths,” and, “May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow,” Zondervan’s new Coloring the Imprecatory Psalms adult coloring book is set to be released this winter.

The exquisitely illustrated black-and-white pages will feature beautiful, inspiring art along with a selection of Psalms that wish a bloody and horrifying death upon the Psalmist’s wicked foes, according to Zondervan’s press release Friday.

Coven Of Essential Oils Representatives Burned At Stake For Witchcraft


Quote:CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In what is being called a “sad but necessary” act of purging out Satan’s minions, a local church has identified and subsequently burned a coven of thirteen female essential oil representatives for practicing “witchcraft, sorcery, and the black arts.”

The church, United Methodist on Antioch, discovered the coven as one of the women was spotted brewing an unholy concoction of magical potions to accomplish some dark purpose, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“We investigated her, and found she was in fact part of an evil, devilish gathering of women like her, who manipulate demonic forces to their will by distilling them down to substances like lemon, peppermint, and frankincense,” a deacon told reporters. He also confirmed the women gathered regularly in secret parties, trying to recruit others to their diabolical cause.

Or from Eye of the Tiber:
Benedict admits to catfshing the faithful with Pope Francis persona

Drive Thru Confessional a Big Hit at Local Parish:

Quote:Reports out of The Church of the Most Holy Trinity in Wichita, Kansas are confirming that last week’s launch of their new drive-thru confessional was a complete success.

“It’s an absolute blessing,” Church Pastor Father Donald Borland told EOTT. “One day I was sitting in the confessional listening to this old man’s confessions, and all I could think about was how long this poor old man was standing in line. I remember I thought to my self, ‘Self, there’s gotta be a better way to do this than to have people standing in line for 20 minutes.'” So began the idea to create the first drive-thru confessional.

“I love it, and it’s so simple,” college sophomore and parishioner said. “You drive up to a menu with a list of all types of sins and combo sins, and you just tell the priest which number or numbers you did on the menu. No chit-chat, no nothing. I remember I told him I committed a number four super-sized, and he asked me to please drive forward. That’s it. You drive up to him at the first window, he absolves you, and the last step is you go to the second window where his secretary tells you your total. They call it a penance, I guess…I don’t know, I drove right through that part.”


After reading a few too many, I decided to give my own hand a try at this. Probably not the best, but still:

Quote:Cheeseland – Local members of Evangelical Christian group CRU announced today that they believe local university professor and anthropomorphic sandworm, Shai Hulud, may in fact be a harbinger of the apocalypse, or at least a pawn of The Evil One, out to ensnare the souls of students.

According to sources within the CRU chapter, a member began to feel uncomfortable around the sandworm after seeing the hit film God’s Not Dead, in which a cabal of liberal university professors cackle and scheme incessantly with their leader, a fellow professor, who tries to make students believe that God does not exist. The member told us, “I don’t know, something seems off about this guy. I’ve not seen him at any of our Evangelical churches in town and he doesn’t come to any of our events. Worse, people have told me he’s an evolutionist!”

Another member of CRU agreed with the sentiment stating, “I saw a book by Charles Darwin in his office, right next to a book by that Catholic guy, Augustine, and Machiavelli. You just can’t trust someone who reads books like that. Especially when they also have a Sith lightsaber and Lord Vold—I mean, He Who Must Not Be Named’s wand in their office!”

The sandworm, when reached for comment, stated that the allegations he would soon help bring about the apocalypse are “preposterous” and that “some people think just because you poop a substance that brings about addiction and visions of possible futures that you’re evil. This is not the case! For goodness sake, prescience doesn’t even work the way they think, the mélange’s side effects are more like the psychotropic version of a Magic Eight Ball.”

Despite that statement, CRU members remain unconvinced, with one particularly suspicious member remarking, “We all know that professors are, without exception, liberal and out to indoctrinate us with their beliefs. This guy has to be evil.”

At publishing time, the CRU members had yet to notice the copy of Godless left out on the desk, peaking between a pile of graded papers.

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07-01-2017, 12:28 PM
RE: Christian Satire
The best part -- Zondervans is a real jebuszombie store.......

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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08-01-2017, 11:14 AM
RE: Christian Satire
Oh totally, endless numbers of Bible versions come out of their stores...endless...

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08-01-2017, 11:22 AM
RE: Christian Satire
Can one get chewing gum there?

The title says it all.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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08-01-2017, 11:23 AM
RE: Christian Satire
Landover started that. I was there.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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08-01-2017, 11:26 AM
RE: Christian Satire
I love Landover. I've considered joining.

If we came from dust, then why is there still dust?
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08-01-2017, 11:30 AM
RE: Christian Satire
(08-01-2017 11:26 AM)cactus Wrote:  I love Landover. I've considered joining.

Don't bother. It turned to shit. It was good when people thought it was real.

If I recall correctly it was sold to some idiot.

Read the main site only. It's ALL biblically correct. I think Landover is the best at that. Sadly it's died.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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08-01-2017, 11:34 AM
RE: Christian Satire
It was so much fun and so many people thought it was real. More than a few Baptists I know would share it as stuff they agreed with, even Betty Bowers stuff.

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08-01-2017, 11:38 AM
RE: Christian Satire
(08-01-2017 11:34 AM)Shai Hulud Wrote:  It was so much fun and so many people thought it was real. More than a few Baptists I know would share it as stuff they agreed with, even Betty Bowers stuff.

That's because it is 100% biblically accurate.

Your belief system stinks mate and I wonder why you miss that???

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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09-01-2017, 01:01 PM
RE: Christian Satire
I think it's a sad commentary on either my life, or the youth minister I know, that I saw this satirical piece and went, "Actually I know someone who gave this sermon in real life..."

'Jesus is the Greater Harambe' Preaches Local Youth Pastor.

(08-01-2017 11:38 AM)Banjo Wrote:  
(08-01-2017 11:34 AM)Shai Hulud Wrote:  It was so much fun and so many people thought it was real. More than a few Baptists I know would share it as stuff they agreed with, even Betty Bowers stuff.

That's because it is 100% biblically accurate.

Your belief system stinks mate and I wonder why you miss that???
Was it seriously 100% Biblically accurate? Snap. Didn't realize.

And mainly because of either indoctrination or love?

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